Many have asked what caused Attachment Disorder in my child. And what it means.
Most children with severe Attachment issues are adopted, have been in and out of foster homes, are literally malnourished, ignored, abused, and physically, emotionally, and mentally hurt... Over and over and over again. They are in one home and onto the next. And they learn to not trust anyone. That whoever has them will eventually give them up. That they are unloved and not worthy of love. Because of that, they feel the desperate need to control everything in their lives... And I mean everything! And it becomes an addiction. A need to survive. They live in "fight or flight" mode. 24/7.
My child is biological. So how does a biological child who was a wanted pregnancy, develop attachment issues?!? How does that make sense?!
While I feel like there were many factors that contributed to my son having attachment issues, it's important to know he is actually very mild on the attachment spectrum, as I like to call it. He was never physically mistreated, abused or hurt physically. BUT I experienced some pretty bad post partum depression that I never received treatment for. I was miserable as a new Mom for many reasons, my son had constant ear infections and my husband and I were young and NOT getting along. There was a lot that we "let out on our son emotionally." Meaning he was in his swing a lot, playing by himself on the floor, or crying a lot. In pain because of ear infections. And I really wasn't emotionally able to be there for him. He was always bathed, fed, diaper changed. But emotionally, I was just checked out and unable to meet his needs for love, attention, and attaching to a primary caregiver. I also believe his feisty personality was a contributing factor, in that he was a high maintenance baby and required constant attention to be happy, which was tiring for an already depressed caregiver.
So how does this affect a child as they grow?! This attachment disorder...
Most children will fight to get their way. My child would fight, to the death, for anything to go his way. It didn't matter if it was the way his socks fit, which shirt he wore. And I would give and take. But it got worse. Where he fought over more and more. Where giving him any freedom to choose at all, made him way worse with his need to have things his way. Things not going his way (over anything) led to violent behaviors toward himself, me and his siblings, as a very young child. With no holding back. We experienced tantrums like you've never seen before that lasted hours. And hours. Violence that you would think he learned from R rated movies (which he was only cartoons like Dora at the time).
My son wants to be normal, and we have moments where we wish he could handle what our other children can too! That's one of the hardest things is not getting frustrated as a parent. They grow older in waist size and height. Their peers all naturally learn how to socialize and its instinctive to grow out of "childish" behaviors. My child does not just grow out of it. He has to have everything modeled to him.
He doesn't understand himself or his behaviors. For years, we didn't either! But I am learning more and more about his struggles and in such a better place of understanding instead of being frustrated with behaviors.
I struggle with the feeling of guilt. Parents who have children that are adopted, are not to blame because they did not "cause" the issues. As my sons biological mother, I struggle with self blame, shame, and being angry that part of this is my fault.
But I have hope. That what happened, happened. And I can't turn back time or do it differently. So my focusing on the blame and shame would be a waste of my time.
The only thing I have control over is the here and now... And what we do as his parents to help him and to heal the relationship that my son and I have never been able to have. We have worked to understand and accept who he is, and what he struggles with. Accepting that he isn't like our other children. That he has much more specific needs. That he is socially, extremely behind. That he needs a special school. That he needs far more downtime, than our other kids.
Now, we have to help HIM accept who he is. Because for years, we acted out of frustration and shamed him for the way he acted. And so he still feels that every day, even though we have come SO far with that! So now, we help him love and understand himself. And accept who he is and where he is in life, even if it's different from the "norm."
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I haven't posted on this blog in over 3 years. Every time I go to write on Facebook about Cameron's journey, improvement, or set backs, I think, "I should write this on a blog" and I don't. This time, I knew I needed to resurrect this thing.
It has been 3 years of trial and joy. 3 years of improvement. 3 years of set backs. 2 years of trying a Public School for my son (who is now 10 by the way). I wish I had written these last 3 years but instead of going backwards, I am going to try and start where we are today.
We decided after 2 years in a Charter School, to place Cameron back in the private school we love so much. New Hope Academy, whose name truly is perfect. New Hope. A New Hope for families of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder or other behavioral disorders/issues. Because I promise you, 4.5 years ago, we just did not have any hope for our son, and I had no hope for the Mother I had become.
9 months ago, my husband was lucky enough to walk away from his job, to be home with our kids. It was something we felt strongly about, and although it was scary, my business was doubling and tripling his income as a Physical Therapist. So we knew it was the right thing to do, so we didn't have to use a nanny anymore for part of the week.
I believe the main reason my husband was supposed to be in the home, was to see just how badly our son needed New Hope, and how much he struggled in public school. He was not getting better. His behaviors at home were getting far worse, because at school, he couldn't stay regulated like he needed to.
Cameron has been at New Hope for about 2 months, full time now. From 9 AM until 4 PM. And after about 4 weeks, we started to see great changes in him. Much more calm, regulated (not hyper-vigilant, overstimulated, overly emotional over little things, not having meltdowns every night, not exploding in anger at his siblings, and no violence (he had started to get violent here and there again in the months past).
Over the weekend, I noticed he was less regulated. He was arguing a little more here and there, pushing boundaries more, and just not quite as calm. These were all signs to me that something wasn't right with him and he wasn't as "clear" as he had been. I wasn't sure what was going on, but last night, for the first time EVER, I had a heart to heart conversation with Cameron that went somewhere. For the first time EVER, he expressed feelings in a healthy way. He was emotional, but a normal emotional. Not an explosive anger, no meltdown, no freak out, no blaming the world and everyone around him. A genuine conversation, where a lot of healing was able to occur.
Cameron expressed frustration at not being like other kids. He cried as he told me he just wanted to go to regular school. He wanted to prove to everyone and impress everyone, and get "better" so he could go to regular school. He expressed frustration at having bad days, at not being perfect at New Hope. He wanted to go forward, not backward in his behavior and abilities at New Hope. He wanted to move through and graduate so he could be normal. I think he has this internal battle. He knows how good New Hope is for him. He feels the difference, and sees the difference in how he is doing. But he struggles with the fact that public school wasn't good for him right now. He couldn't quite keep up with the social aspect, with the struggle of over stimulation, constant change, constant transitions, which all increase his level of anxiety, which he can only handle so much of, before he starts feeling unsafe, and anxious to the point of "holding it together" until he gets home, and explodes at everyone. New Hope is what he needs. I think he feels that. But struggles with the internal battle of not wanting to be here.
But last night, he was able to verbalize all of this! He verbalized his frustration of not feeling like other kids. Of not being as good as other "normal" kids. That he just wanted to be done here. He cried, and I cried with him. I explained to him that God gave him these struggles and they were part of his life. He cried and said "But why did it have to be me?" My heart broke for him. It took Tyler and I years to really understand Cameron and how his brain works... It took us years of watching, learning, arguing, etc, to understand his heart, and where he was. That Cameron is a good, good boy deep inside. He has a lot of "stuff" on top of his heart that we are working to peel back. And Tyler and I are watching them peel off, layer by layer. We talked about this. And he cried and said he didn't even know himself or who he was. I told him I understood that. We talked about the past... How Mom didn't understand him and that part of the reason he was struggling with things was because of how I treated him. Not knowing how to understand him or his behaviors. I took ownership of some of the things I had said in the past, and made him believe. But I was also able to tell him it wasn't on purpose. And that I loved him just the way God sent him. It just took me a long time to understand him. Many tears were shed. And we hugged multiple times. For the first time, it wasn't a freak out, a meltdown. He verbalized a lot of frustrations and feelings, and I helped explain things to him.
For some, this may seem small. For me, as his Mother, this was the first time we had ever had a normal conversation like this. Mine and Cameron's attachment as Mother and Son is very weak. And we had moments yesterday, where we peeled back layers, and strengthened that attachment. For kids that have his struggles, this bond and attachment can be healed, but it takes moments like these, over a long period of time.
We made huge progress yesterday and I could not be more happy about it. I am so thankful we have New Hope for him. For one, New Hope keeps him regulated and meets him where he is, instead of pushing and pushing to be like everyone else. So he doesn't have to "hold it together at school." We see less anxiety, less freak outs, less meltdowns, and MORE of the real Cameron deep inside. It's so healthy for him, so healthy for us as his parents, and healthy for his siblings who have lived with his behaviors from the beginning.
Small moments add up. It's not miracle work overnight or healing overnight, but we for sure bridged a gap yesterday. We built trust, mended one or two holes in his heart, and THAT overtime, brings healing to my son AND to me, as his Mother.
It has been 3 years of trial and joy. 3 years of improvement. 3 years of set backs. 2 years of trying a Public School for my son (who is now 10 by the way). I wish I had written these last 3 years but instead of going backwards, I am going to try and start where we are today.
We decided after 2 years in a Charter School, to place Cameron back in the private school we love so much. New Hope Academy, whose name truly is perfect. New Hope. A New Hope for families of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder or other behavioral disorders/issues. Because I promise you, 4.5 years ago, we just did not have any hope for our son, and I had no hope for the Mother I had become.
9 months ago, my husband was lucky enough to walk away from his job, to be home with our kids. It was something we felt strongly about, and although it was scary, my business was doubling and tripling his income as a Physical Therapist. So we knew it was the right thing to do, so we didn't have to use a nanny anymore for part of the week.
I believe the main reason my husband was supposed to be in the home, was to see just how badly our son needed New Hope, and how much he struggled in public school. He was not getting better. His behaviors at home were getting far worse, because at school, he couldn't stay regulated like he needed to.
Cameron has been at New Hope for about 2 months, full time now. From 9 AM until 4 PM. And after about 4 weeks, we started to see great changes in him. Much more calm, regulated (not hyper-vigilant, overstimulated, overly emotional over little things, not having meltdowns every night, not exploding in anger at his siblings, and no violence (he had started to get violent here and there again in the months past).
Over the weekend, I noticed he was less regulated. He was arguing a little more here and there, pushing boundaries more, and just not quite as calm. These were all signs to me that something wasn't right with him and he wasn't as "clear" as he had been. I wasn't sure what was going on, but last night, for the first time EVER, I had a heart to heart conversation with Cameron that went somewhere. For the first time EVER, he expressed feelings in a healthy way. He was emotional, but a normal emotional. Not an explosive anger, no meltdown, no freak out, no blaming the world and everyone around him. A genuine conversation, where a lot of healing was able to occur.
Cameron expressed frustration at not being like other kids. He cried as he told me he just wanted to go to regular school. He wanted to prove to everyone and impress everyone, and get "better" so he could go to regular school. He expressed frustration at having bad days, at not being perfect at New Hope. He wanted to go forward, not backward in his behavior and abilities at New Hope. He wanted to move through and graduate so he could be normal. I think he has this internal battle. He knows how good New Hope is for him. He feels the difference, and sees the difference in how he is doing. But he struggles with the fact that public school wasn't good for him right now. He couldn't quite keep up with the social aspect, with the struggle of over stimulation, constant change, constant transitions, which all increase his level of anxiety, which he can only handle so much of, before he starts feeling unsafe, and anxious to the point of "holding it together" until he gets home, and explodes at everyone. New Hope is what he needs. I think he feels that. But struggles with the internal battle of not wanting to be here.
But last night, he was able to verbalize all of this! He verbalized his frustration of not feeling like other kids. Of not being as good as other "normal" kids. That he just wanted to be done here. He cried, and I cried with him. I explained to him that God gave him these struggles and they were part of his life. He cried and said "But why did it have to be me?" My heart broke for him. It took Tyler and I years to really understand Cameron and how his brain works... It took us years of watching, learning, arguing, etc, to understand his heart, and where he was. That Cameron is a good, good boy deep inside. He has a lot of "stuff" on top of his heart that we are working to peel back. And Tyler and I are watching them peel off, layer by layer. We talked about this. And he cried and said he didn't even know himself or who he was. I told him I understood that. We talked about the past... How Mom didn't understand him and that part of the reason he was struggling with things was because of how I treated him. Not knowing how to understand him or his behaviors. I took ownership of some of the things I had said in the past, and made him believe. But I was also able to tell him it wasn't on purpose. And that I loved him just the way God sent him. It just took me a long time to understand him. Many tears were shed. And we hugged multiple times. For the first time, it wasn't a freak out, a meltdown. He verbalized a lot of frustrations and feelings, and I helped explain things to him.
For some, this may seem small. For me, as his Mother, this was the first time we had ever had a normal conversation like this. Mine and Cameron's attachment as Mother and Son is very weak. And we had moments yesterday, where we peeled back layers, and strengthened that attachment. For kids that have his struggles, this bond and attachment can be healed, but it takes moments like these, over a long period of time.
We made huge progress yesterday and I could not be more happy about it. I am so thankful we have New Hope for him. For one, New Hope keeps him regulated and meets him where he is, instead of pushing and pushing to be like everyone else. So he doesn't have to "hold it together at school." We see less anxiety, less freak outs, less meltdowns, and MORE of the real Cameron deep inside. It's so healthy for him, so healthy for us as his parents, and healthy for his siblings who have lived with his behaviors from the beginning.
Small moments add up. It's not miracle work overnight or healing overnight, but we for sure bridged a gap yesterday. We built trust, mended one or two holes in his heart, and THAT overtime, brings healing to my son AND to me, as his Mother.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
square one
i feel like my life has been sort of a whirlwind, and blogging has taken a back seat since we went to camp and moved to utah.
one of the main reasons is i am busy. :) aren't we all? well, i have a pretty naughty2 3 year old and when she is naughty, i carry her around in a moby wrap. and she is naughty a lot. it doesn't make typing on a computer easy at all. you all know about my son that has reactive attachment disorder. that takes a lot of time too. i have a baby too. she's almost 11 months. :) oh, and i have a 4 1/2 year old that i try to meet his needs too. and i do have a husband, but he is gone. a lot. works more than full time and a second job 2 nights per week too. (it used to be 4 nights per week, so i am thrilled with 2). the 2 nights he used to work, i leave and teach an exercise class to cameron's teachers. all of this is why i haven't been blogging lately. but i want to make sure to keep up with it more. so i'll do better. promise.
back in the summer, cameron was doing awesome. when we first moved here, he was in new hope 2. he was doing so well, respectful, obedient, fun to be around. we saw less and less naughty behaviors, less desperation in his need to control (it was more of just a habit at this point), etc. we were able to take him to the park to play, to church (he even went to primary once or twice, with dad by his side of course), to family events, etc. it was so fun to feel like we were somewhat normal again!
well, after a few weeks, i started to notice he was being really ungrateful. we took him to the park and got pizza for dinner one night and he complained when we got home that we didn't stay for that long. that was a red flag to me. but i carried on and ignored it. after he started being more and more ungrateful about other things, i started to feel like we needed to start to pull back a little bit, in fear of him spiraling. so we pulled back in the reins a little, didn't do as many outings, just tried to simplify. then he started making small jabs at me with his words. one day i was saying how my kids had the best mom ever (to them). cameron responded with "you think you are like the best person mom. but there are tons of people better than you." another red flag. to some, that may be funny. but to a mom who's child really doesn't love her or feel her love, it hurt. i shook it off the best i could and just ignored it. but he was making more and more comments like that and more often. i said one day that they had the cutest mom ever. cameron rolled his eyes and said, "whatever." seems like a harmless comment and every kid wouldn't think their mom is the cutest. but it was another red flag.
he started to go downhill at new hope. all of the kids in new hope 2 did. not focused, not able to function and follow specific directions. starting to use his control in everything all over again. to the point where he couldn't follow one simple direction without throwing his spin of control into it. not good. meltdowns started. peeing. a lot. every day at new hope, at home, every night. one day, at home, he even just stood in the middle of the floor and peed. never asked for the bathroom or told me he needed to go. just peed.
the good news? even though all of his old behaviors are coming out that he had when we first started this process, there is a different feeling behind them. i know that sounds weird. but when he would be violent with me before, there was no holding back. he was so so angry. there was so much anger, fear, evil behind his raging and violence. but this time has been different. he tries to hurt me, but i can tell he is holding himself back. like he doesn't really intend to harm me, but is going through the motions of doing it. when he bit me the other day, it wasn't a super hard bite and i could tell. when he was fighting me and trying to hurt me with weapons of sorts, he wasn't really trying, with no holding back. there was part of him that didn't truly want to hurt me. yay!!! that is so good!!!
something interesting one of his teacher's told me this weekend which i completely agree with... kids with rad will sometimes cycle back all the way to where they first started to test mom. is mom still going to be able to love me and be able to deal with my awful behaviors, even if i do awful things that i used to do? or is she going to go back to hating me, screaming, yelling, spanking, freaking out at me? or can she handle it all, be calm, give me consequences, and just let it roll off her back? can i trust her?
so i think that's where we are at. he is testing the waters to see if i really have changed, and can love him through it all, or if i'm going to go back to my overwhelmed, confused, have no idea what to do or how to handle this child, kind of mom. hopefully i've been winning his trust the past few weeks. :)
i can't help but be so grateful for this process. cameron has challenges. challenges that if we don't help now, could affect the rest of his life. if he can't trust his mom and uses constant control on her, why wouldn't he do the same with the law? with his wife? his children? we are trying to help give him a life. yes, we do tough things now. like not letting him go to a family party tonight because of how awful he has been. but it's a consequence we chose to give to help motivate him. so we left him with a friend (another rad mom) that we know will follow through with our rules for cameron, (basically not being more nice than mom so he doesn't have more fuel against me as to why i'm the worst mom ever, and anyone else would be better than me :)) while we all went and enjoyed a family party. he doesn't get to play with friends, or see cousins, or anything right now. it's sad and hard. i would love to do those things. but we have to help the core relationship between my son and i first, before he can form other relationships. that way, they can be healthy and non-manipulative and controlled by him.
feeling so grateful for new hope and the women that run it. what amazing gifts they have... and a true love for the families they help each day. even though i've had many moments, wondering why we moved to utah, i am so grateful i have new hope so close. i feel so blessed.
one of the main reasons is i am busy. :) aren't we all? well, i have a pretty naughty
back in the summer, cameron was doing awesome. when we first moved here, he was in new hope 2. he was doing so well, respectful, obedient, fun to be around. we saw less and less naughty behaviors, less desperation in his need to control (it was more of just a habit at this point), etc. we were able to take him to the park to play, to church (he even went to primary once or twice, with dad by his side of course), to family events, etc. it was so fun to feel like we were somewhat normal again!
well, after a few weeks, i started to notice he was being really ungrateful. we took him to the park and got pizza for dinner one night and he complained when we got home that we didn't stay for that long. that was a red flag to me. but i carried on and ignored it. after he started being more and more ungrateful about other things, i started to feel like we needed to start to pull back a little bit, in fear of him spiraling. so we pulled back in the reins a little, didn't do as many outings, just tried to simplify. then he started making small jabs at me with his words. one day i was saying how my kids had the best mom ever (to them). cameron responded with "you think you are like the best person mom. but there are tons of people better than you." another red flag. to some, that may be funny. but to a mom who's child really doesn't love her or feel her love, it hurt. i shook it off the best i could and just ignored it. but he was making more and more comments like that and more often. i said one day that they had the cutest mom ever. cameron rolled his eyes and said, "whatever." seems like a harmless comment and every kid wouldn't think their mom is the cutest. but it was another red flag.
he started to go downhill at new hope. all of the kids in new hope 2 did. not focused, not able to function and follow specific directions. starting to use his control in everything all over again. to the point where he couldn't follow one simple direction without throwing his spin of control into it. not good. meltdowns started. peeing. a lot. every day at new hope, at home, every night. one day, at home, he even just stood in the middle of the floor and peed. never asked for the bathroom or told me he needed to go. just peed.
the good news? even though all of his old behaviors are coming out that he had when we first started this process, there is a different feeling behind them. i know that sounds weird. but when he would be violent with me before, there was no holding back. he was so so angry. there was so much anger, fear, evil behind his raging and violence. but this time has been different. he tries to hurt me, but i can tell he is holding himself back. like he doesn't really intend to harm me, but is going through the motions of doing it. when he bit me the other day, it wasn't a super hard bite and i could tell. when he was fighting me and trying to hurt me with weapons of sorts, he wasn't really trying, with no holding back. there was part of him that didn't truly want to hurt me. yay!!! that is so good!!!
something interesting one of his teacher's told me this weekend which i completely agree with... kids with rad will sometimes cycle back all the way to where they first started to test mom. is mom still going to be able to love me and be able to deal with my awful behaviors, even if i do awful things that i used to do? or is she going to go back to hating me, screaming, yelling, spanking, freaking out at me? or can she handle it all, be calm, give me consequences, and just let it roll off her back? can i trust her?
so i think that's where we are at. he is testing the waters to see if i really have changed, and can love him through it all, or if i'm going to go back to my overwhelmed, confused, have no idea what to do or how to handle this child, kind of mom. hopefully i've been winning his trust the past few weeks. :)
i can't help but be so grateful for this process. cameron has challenges. challenges that if we don't help now, could affect the rest of his life. if he can't trust his mom and uses constant control on her, why wouldn't he do the same with the law? with his wife? his children? we are trying to help give him a life. yes, we do tough things now. like not letting him go to a family party tonight because of how awful he has been. but it's a consequence we chose to give to help motivate him. so we left him with a friend (another rad mom) that we know will follow through with our rules for cameron, (basically not being more nice than mom so he doesn't have more fuel against me as to why i'm the worst mom ever, and anyone else would be better than me :)) while we all went and enjoyed a family party. he doesn't get to play with friends, or see cousins, or anything right now. it's sad and hard. i would love to do those things. but we have to help the core relationship between my son and i first, before he can form other relationships. that way, they can be healthy and non-manipulative and controlled by him.
feeling so grateful for new hope and the women that run it. what amazing gifts they have... and a true love for the families they help each day. even though i've had many moments, wondering why we moved to utah, i am so grateful i have new hope so close. i feel so blessed.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
been too long
i almost don't even know what to say, it has been so long since i've posted on here. (actually, my family blog has gone 3 months without hearing from me. so bad since it's my journal and family history records).
i wanted to write about something that happened at camp that i forgot to write in my last post. it is a moment i hope i never forget.
nancy thomas (the director of the camp) had us practice "cuddle time" with our kids. this is basically holding your kids like a baby (in the rocking position), having their hands placed against your back and another on your arm in front, and your arms wrapped around them as well. ideally, you feed them some sort of milk sugar (closest thing you can get to sweet milk/breast milk). so chocolate, caramels, etc. lots of loving eye contact, playfulness, etc. it's bonding time to rebuild those connections that weren't built when the kids were little (mostly for cameron and not my other kids). so, i pulled cameron up into my arms. even though nancy reminded us to try to keep this time "light" and fun, and not so emotional and heavy (if you can help it), i could NOT help it. tears started pouring out of my eyes as i looked at cameron in the eyes. i was filled with such a deep love for him. i often feel that love for my other children. but for cameron, it is much less often and far between. i could not help myself. i kept crying and crying. stroking his face and telling him some things i remembered about the day he was born and preparing for his coming to earth. i was so filled with emotion and love.
to my surprise, cameron started to have tears trickle down his face. it wasn't anything fake or phony. i could feel him taking in my love. i knew he felt it! i was thrilled. there have been several times where we are in a similar situation and i pray he can feel my love. but i can feel those walls up around his heart. and i know he doesn't feel any of it. but this time was different. it was amazing and the spirit was so strong.
it was time to switch to the next child (i now wish i would have kept cameron for longer). i moved on to isaac and then macey.
afterwards, my mom told me that when cameron was finished with cuddle time with me, he went and sat next to my mom while he waited to have cuddle time with dad. she said he was bawling. his crying did not stop. he was sobbing. she asked him what was wrong and he said, "i was just thinking about how hard it was for my mom to have me." he was so emotional and it was REAL!!! honestly, that one single moment made our trip to camp worth it. to have that moment of bonding with cameron was so worth the trip and money.
you have to understand, i don't have moments like that very often with him. like i said, i often have overwhelming feelings of love for my other children. but from day 1 with cameron, i did not have them very often at all. he was so hard for me and such a tough baby, that i rarely had those moments. they are getting much more often since starting this journey over a year ago. but we still have a lot of work to do!
we are settled in here in utah. we have had many bumps in the road. we had to take cameron out of school after 2 weeks because of finances. but we have worked it out and he started back a week ago, twice per week. he is kind of in a slump right now, and i'm trying to help him get out of it. but he is struggling to be motivated to come out of his slump. but we are trying to work it through with him.
i still feel and see so much hope in him. that one day, he will be able to handle his anxiety to be able to go to school and be successful. we are just trying to pave the best way for him to get there. and if that means homeschooling him until he is 15, i will do it.
i have had people question me why he isn't in school. he has a very hard time with the need to be perfect (to the point of meltdowns and paralyzing paranoia) and has so much anxiety, that a room full of kids would be very hard for him to focus. he is brilliant academically but pretty behind emotionally, and socially. so right now, we feel having him home is best, and in new hope, where there are limited kids and great teachers, that know him well, how he functions, and what he needs, to aid him in his healing.
i think sometimes people think this is what i want. it is not what i want. if i had it my way, he would be in school, having fun with friends, playing outside with the neighbor kids, going to friends houses, being a normal kid. but he isn't there yet. and i'm not going to let him just because i want it for him. it would actually do damage for him and this process to allow him to do these things at this point. he has to be ready for all of those things, otherwise, they will only aid him in going backwards. (and trust me. he has gone backwards lately and he has done none of those things yet). tyler and i are doing what we feel is best for cameron. and we always will... regardless of the price we pay and the judgements that are placed against us. cameron's healing far surpasses anything else we are worried about right now. and if that means keeping him out of school and away from other kids for 10 years, we will do it.
i'll update sooner next time. i swear! now onto updating my family page that is 3 months overdue!
i wanted to write about something that happened at camp that i forgot to write in my last post. it is a moment i hope i never forget.
nancy thomas (the director of the camp) had us practice "cuddle time" with our kids. this is basically holding your kids like a baby (in the rocking position), having their hands placed against your back and another on your arm in front, and your arms wrapped around them as well. ideally, you feed them some sort of milk sugar (closest thing you can get to sweet milk/breast milk). so chocolate, caramels, etc. lots of loving eye contact, playfulness, etc. it's bonding time to rebuild those connections that weren't built when the kids were little (mostly for cameron and not my other kids). so, i pulled cameron up into my arms. even though nancy reminded us to try to keep this time "light" and fun, and not so emotional and heavy (if you can help it), i could NOT help it. tears started pouring out of my eyes as i looked at cameron in the eyes. i was filled with such a deep love for him. i often feel that love for my other children. but for cameron, it is much less often and far between. i could not help myself. i kept crying and crying. stroking his face and telling him some things i remembered about the day he was born and preparing for his coming to earth. i was so filled with emotion and love.
to my surprise, cameron started to have tears trickle down his face. it wasn't anything fake or phony. i could feel him taking in my love. i knew he felt it! i was thrilled. there have been several times where we are in a similar situation and i pray he can feel my love. but i can feel those walls up around his heart. and i know he doesn't feel any of it. but this time was different. it was amazing and the spirit was so strong.
it was time to switch to the next child (i now wish i would have kept cameron for longer). i moved on to isaac and then macey.
afterwards, my mom told me that when cameron was finished with cuddle time with me, he went and sat next to my mom while he waited to have cuddle time with dad. she said he was bawling. his crying did not stop. he was sobbing. she asked him what was wrong and he said, "i was just thinking about how hard it was for my mom to have me." he was so emotional and it was REAL!!! honestly, that one single moment made our trip to camp worth it. to have that moment of bonding with cameron was so worth the trip and money.
you have to understand, i don't have moments like that very often with him. like i said, i often have overwhelming feelings of love for my other children. but from day 1 with cameron, i did not have them very often at all. he was so hard for me and such a tough baby, that i rarely had those moments. they are getting much more often since starting this journey over a year ago. but we still have a lot of work to do!
we are settled in here in utah. we have had many bumps in the road. we had to take cameron out of school after 2 weeks because of finances. but we have worked it out and he started back a week ago, twice per week. he is kind of in a slump right now, and i'm trying to help him get out of it. but he is struggling to be motivated to come out of his slump. but we are trying to work it through with him.
i still feel and see so much hope in him. that one day, he will be able to handle his anxiety to be able to go to school and be successful. we are just trying to pave the best way for him to get there. and if that means homeschooling him until he is 15, i will do it.
i have had people question me why he isn't in school. he has a very hard time with the need to be perfect (to the point of meltdowns and paralyzing paranoia) and has so much anxiety, that a room full of kids would be very hard for him to focus. he is brilliant academically but pretty behind emotionally, and socially. so right now, we feel having him home is best, and in new hope, where there are limited kids and great teachers, that know him well, how he functions, and what he needs, to aid him in his healing.
i think sometimes people think this is what i want. it is not what i want. if i had it my way, he would be in school, having fun with friends, playing outside with the neighbor kids, going to friends houses, being a normal kid. but he isn't there yet. and i'm not going to let him just because i want it for him. it would actually do damage for him and this process to allow him to do these things at this point. he has to be ready for all of those things, otherwise, they will only aid him in going backwards. (and trust me. he has gone backwards lately and he has done none of those things yet). tyler and i are doing what we feel is best for cameron. and we always will... regardless of the price we pay and the judgements that are placed against us. cameron's healing far surpasses anything else we are worried about right now. and if that means keeping him out of school and away from other kids for 10 years, we will do it.
i'll update sooner next time. i swear! now onto updating my family page that is 3 months overdue!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Camp and Moving
I wish I would have kept up on this blog for the past few months. Life has been a whirlwind for us lately with going to RAD camp in Northern Washington and then moving to Utah right after. We found a place to live and have moved in and settled for the most part. It is a huge adjustment for me mostly! I still feel out of place, in transition, finding my norm, etc. I have come to learn that I don't do change very well, just like my Cami.
Cameron is doing pretty well, considering all of the change we have gone through. He attends New Hope during the week and I volunteer there once per week. I wish I could do more, but with three other kids at home, I don't really have that option at this point.
I'll go back to camp for a moment so I can document what I remember... wish I would have done this before now.
We spent 6 days up in Valley, Washington with our family at a family bonding camp, specifically for families that have kids with RAD. It was an awesome experience and so good for us to all attend together. My Mom flew in from Salt Lake to be there to help with our other kids since we wanted to be sure to get the most out of the seminars we would be attending there.
Nancy Thomas was amazing. She is seriously a gift sent from Heaven for people that have children that suffer from RAD. We did lots of family activities, and depending on the kids behavior and choices, they were able to participate. Cameron actually did very well at camp. But we expected that because of the all the work we have done during the past year. Isaac had spent a week at New Hope while we were in Utah, and so he was great at camp too. Macey was our challenging one. :) She would deliberately not listen to Mom or Dad (when we would ask her to fold her arms, or eat her breakfast, or come here, etc). So she spent a lot of time with the "Flight Check" crew. The Flight Check crew is basically there to take your kids from you when they aren't being obedient and respectful (at your expectation). They take them, try to get their brains to shift, have them process through what happened and what they can do to make it up to their parents). If it was during meal time, the children went to eat with the Flight Check crew during the remainder of the meal. They had lost the privilege of eating with the family. About half way during the week, the Flight Check crew starts turning that responsibility over to the parents to learn how to deal with it when it happens at home (and you can't have your kids go with the Flight Check crew). We really had done all of this before we went to camp. It's exactly what New Hope does, so we knew all about it. :) Well, Macey would be asked to do something, refuse to do it, pretend she didn't hear you, or whatever. So she would go with the Flight Check crew. She would comply once with the Flight Check crew and do her jumping jacks, tell them what she did, etc., come back and do the same thing 5 minutes later. So, after a day, they talked to me about "pouching her." Here is an explanation of it:
We are basically doing the same training we did with Cameron and Isaac, but with Macey now. Since she is so young, the way to "treat" the behavior issues is to carry them with you all of the time. They don't get any choices, privileges, etc. I chose to carry her in a Moby Wrap. You are ideally supposed to carry them for 4-6 hours per day, only getting out for about 30 minutes, twice per day, for exercise. You are even supposed to feed them their meals. Extreme? Yes. Can I do it exactly like that? NO! I have four kids. One suffering from RAD already, one 4 year old that is finally obedient and respectful, one two year old I carry around on my stomach all day, not to mention my 7 month old that should be carried a lot during the day too. So, I do what I can. :) I have basically come up with the plan that I need to just pouch her when she is defiant. If she starts to argue, throw a fit, ignore me, be sassy, she goes in "the pouch" for an hour or two. Then we get out and try again. We are also working through some things with Avery, so ideally, I should be "pouching" her for the same amount of hours each day.
Now, I am not SuperMom. Pouching a screaming, pinching, two year old (sometimes) can get very draining. I start to get ornery, cranky, lose patience, etc, which sort of defeats my whole purpose in all of this. So I have to take breaks, give myself some time, etc. So when she isn't pouched, she is in a boundary with an activity that I choose. Not her. She misses out on fun things like, playing at the splash park, playing with cousins and siblings, playing with fun toys and activities... this week she has missed out on all of that. Even running through a sprinkler with her brothers. But, until she is consistently obedient and respectful, she won't be participating in fun activities like that at all. Sounds extreme, right? It is, but IT WORKS! Eventually, she will decide she wants her independence and doesn't want to be stuck on or by Mom all day, every day. We just have to wait her out. So good for her!
We were at a family party a few weeks ago, and Macey said she wanted a brownie. I went to get her one, and a family friend offered Macey her brownie because she wasn't going to eat it. Macey snottily pushed the brownie away and said, "No." I gave her back the brownie and told her she could either choose that brownie or none. She rudely pushed it away again, and so I took it away and said, "Bummer Macey. I guess you don't want a brownie." She started to cry and get upset, and a few seconds later, I offered her the brownie again. She gladly accepted. :) People thought it was so sad and mean of me. But I am all done with the behaviors like that. If I don't put up with that from my other kids, why should I put up with it from my 2 1/2 year old? Yes, Cameron and Isaac are older. But I am not waiting until she is 5, like I did with Cameron. She KNOWS exactly what she is doing. When the Flight Check people would ask her what happened, she knew exactly what she had done that wasn't okay with Mom or Dad. She was deliberately disobeying.
No, Macey does not have RAD (although some days, I swear she does). But like the ladies at New Hope say, "Behavior is Behavior. You treat it the same." The difference is, Macey doesn't have fear behind these choices she is making. She does it because she is 2 and defiant and pushing boundaries. And YES, she is head strong, feisty, and spunky. She doesn't have any big feelings behind the choices. No fear of losing control like Cameron had. No fear behind the tantrums. No scary raging. Only 2 year old defiance. :) She will learn a lot quicker than Cameron did. :)
So I am pretty worn out a lot of the time, not nearly as patient, and don't live my "perfect, quiet life" that I sort of had in Washington. I have learned that I need to put the fun back into life and learn to be able to deal with the stresses of daily life. I can't live in my house with church music playing all day and never go anywhere. Just like Cameron needs to learn to function in society, I do too. So, I am learning and being stretched again... growing and being challenged in experiencing daily stress, like the rest of the world. (Yes, I am pretty sure I have a disorder too). :) I have even thought about getting on some medication (which is SO NOT like me). But just to help with my anxiety, stress, and depression. Yes, I admitted it. I have struggled with depression my entire life. I just don't think I ever realized it until recently. I am struggling with not being perfect, having my house picked up and dishes done all of the time. But when I have a 2 1/2 year old, screaming while I am holding her (and even when she isn't screaming and fighting me), I find it hard to get much done with her on the front of me. When I'm not pouching her, I am usually feeding Avery or pouching her, or just taking a break. So I am not nearly as caught up on my house as I'd like to be. In fact, my laundry has been sitting on my couch for like 2 days, waiting to be folded, with another load in the dryer, waiting to be taken out and folded.
So overall, we are adjusting. Cameron is working through the change of moving here and has had some stomach aches, which I am almost POSITIVE are linked to his anxiety. But overall, he is doing pretty well, and functioning pretty well at school.
I still have so much hope for him, with all of the progress I have seen over the past year. I am so grateful to be in Utah where we have a little more support. I know I am doing things differently (some people actually think it's crazy), but I know it is what is best for my family. :) That's all that matters.
Cameron is doing pretty well, considering all of the change we have gone through. He attends New Hope during the week and I volunteer there once per week. I wish I could do more, but with three other kids at home, I don't really have that option at this point.
I'll go back to camp for a moment so I can document what I remember... wish I would have done this before now.
We spent 6 days up in Valley, Washington with our family at a family bonding camp, specifically for families that have kids with RAD. It was an awesome experience and so good for us to all attend together. My Mom flew in from Salt Lake to be there to help with our other kids since we wanted to be sure to get the most out of the seminars we would be attending there.
Nancy Thomas was amazing. She is seriously a gift sent from Heaven for people that have children that suffer from RAD. We did lots of family activities, and depending on the kids behavior and choices, they were able to participate. Cameron actually did very well at camp. But we expected that because of the all the work we have done during the past year. Isaac had spent a week at New Hope while we were in Utah, and so he was great at camp too. Macey was our challenging one. :) She would deliberately not listen to Mom or Dad (when we would ask her to fold her arms, or eat her breakfast, or come here, etc). So she spent a lot of time with the "Flight Check" crew. The Flight Check crew is basically there to take your kids from you when they aren't being obedient and respectful (at your expectation). They take them, try to get their brains to shift, have them process through what happened and what they can do to make it up to their parents). If it was during meal time, the children went to eat with the Flight Check crew during the remainder of the meal. They had lost the privilege of eating with the family. About half way during the week, the Flight Check crew starts turning that responsibility over to the parents to learn how to deal with it when it happens at home (and you can't have your kids go with the Flight Check crew). We really had done all of this before we went to camp. It's exactly what New Hope does, so we knew all about it. :) Well, Macey would be asked to do something, refuse to do it, pretend she didn't hear you, or whatever. So she would go with the Flight Check crew. She would comply once with the Flight Check crew and do her jumping jacks, tell them what she did, etc., come back and do the same thing 5 minutes later. So, after a day, they talked to me about "pouching her." Here is an explanation of it:
We are basically doing the same training we did with Cameron and Isaac, but with Macey now. Since she is so young, the way to "treat" the behavior issues is to carry them with you all of the time. They don't get any choices, privileges, etc. I chose to carry her in a Moby Wrap. You are ideally supposed to carry them for 4-6 hours per day, only getting out for about 30 minutes, twice per day, for exercise. You are even supposed to feed them their meals. Extreme? Yes. Can I do it exactly like that? NO! I have four kids. One suffering from RAD already, one 4 year old that is finally obedient and respectful, one two year old I carry around on my stomach all day, not to mention my 7 month old that should be carried a lot during the day too. So, I do what I can. :) I have basically come up with the plan that I need to just pouch her when she is defiant. If she starts to argue, throw a fit, ignore me, be sassy, she goes in "the pouch" for an hour or two. Then we get out and try again. We are also working through some things with Avery, so ideally, I should be "pouching" her for the same amount of hours each day.
Now, I am not SuperMom. Pouching a screaming, pinching, two year old (sometimes) can get very draining. I start to get ornery, cranky, lose patience, etc, which sort of defeats my whole purpose in all of this. So I have to take breaks, give myself some time, etc. So when she isn't pouched, she is in a boundary with an activity that I choose. Not her. She misses out on fun things like, playing at the splash park, playing with cousins and siblings, playing with fun toys and activities... this week she has missed out on all of that. Even running through a sprinkler with her brothers. But, until she is consistently obedient and respectful, she won't be participating in fun activities like that at all. Sounds extreme, right? It is, but IT WORKS! Eventually, she will decide she wants her independence and doesn't want to be stuck on or by Mom all day, every day. We just have to wait her out. So good for her!
We were at a family party a few weeks ago, and Macey said she wanted a brownie. I went to get her one, and a family friend offered Macey her brownie because she wasn't going to eat it. Macey snottily pushed the brownie away and said, "No." I gave her back the brownie and told her she could either choose that brownie or none. She rudely pushed it away again, and so I took it away and said, "Bummer Macey. I guess you don't want a brownie." She started to cry and get upset, and a few seconds later, I offered her the brownie again. She gladly accepted. :) People thought it was so sad and mean of me. But I am all done with the behaviors like that. If I don't put up with that from my other kids, why should I put up with it from my 2 1/2 year old? Yes, Cameron and Isaac are older. But I am not waiting until she is 5, like I did with Cameron. She KNOWS exactly what she is doing. When the Flight Check people would ask her what happened, she knew exactly what she had done that wasn't okay with Mom or Dad. She was deliberately disobeying.
No, Macey does not have RAD (although some days, I swear she does). But like the ladies at New Hope say, "Behavior is Behavior. You treat it the same." The difference is, Macey doesn't have fear behind these choices she is making. She does it because she is 2 and defiant and pushing boundaries. And YES, she is head strong, feisty, and spunky. She doesn't have any big feelings behind the choices. No fear of losing control like Cameron had. No fear behind the tantrums. No scary raging. Only 2 year old defiance. :) She will learn a lot quicker than Cameron did. :)
So I am pretty worn out a lot of the time, not nearly as patient, and don't live my "perfect, quiet life" that I sort of had in Washington. I have learned that I need to put the fun back into life and learn to be able to deal with the stresses of daily life. I can't live in my house with church music playing all day and never go anywhere. Just like Cameron needs to learn to function in society, I do too. So, I am learning and being stretched again... growing and being challenged in experiencing daily stress, like the rest of the world. (Yes, I am pretty sure I have a disorder too). :) I have even thought about getting on some medication (which is SO NOT like me). But just to help with my anxiety, stress, and depression. Yes, I admitted it. I have struggled with depression my entire life. I just don't think I ever realized it until recently. I am struggling with not being perfect, having my house picked up and dishes done all of the time. But when I have a 2 1/2 year old, screaming while I am holding her (and even when she isn't screaming and fighting me), I find it hard to get much done with her on the front of me. When I'm not pouching her, I am usually feeding Avery or pouching her, or just taking a break. So I am not nearly as caught up on my house as I'd like to be. In fact, my laundry has been sitting on my couch for like 2 days, waiting to be folded, with another load in the dryer, waiting to be taken out and folded.
So overall, we are adjusting. Cameron is working through the change of moving here and has had some stomach aches, which I am almost POSITIVE are linked to his anxiety. But overall, he is doing pretty well, and functioning pretty well at school.
I still have so much hope for him, with all of the progress I have seen over the past year. I am so grateful to be in Utah where we have a little more support. I know I am doing things differently (some people actually think it's crazy), but I know it is what is best for my family. :) That's all that matters.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
coming up for air
i can't believe i've been home for a month. actually, i'm not even sure how long i have been home from our second trip to utah for help. but i am pretty sure it has been over a month. :)
we have had a lot of miracles since we have been home. i wish i would have written them down as they happened. i did find an email i sent to kasey about one miracle i watched happen. i want to have it documented for this journal.
cameron was working on some math today. he got two problems incorrect and freaked about it. started crying, getting mad that i told him they weren't correct. he blamed himself and said how stupid he was and how he always gets things wrong. when he tried to "boss" me about it, saying he knew they weren't incorrect, i said something like, "are you telling me that you are right, and the book is wrong?" he said, "no." i talked to him about how we don't have to be perfect, and it's okay to have to correct work. after he calmed down and corrected the simple errors, he said to me, "mom, when you said, 'are you telling me that you are right and the book is wrong?', "i felt kind of stupid." it felt so sincere from him! i pulled him in my arms and told him i was sorry and my intention was not to make him feel stupid. i told him i loved him and he was not stupid at all and that he didn't have to feel that way. he got big tears in his eyes and burst into tears. it was SO sincere! we hugged for a while and i told him everything was okay and told him how good it was to share feelings politely, rather than acting them out and getting so angry and letting it ruin his day.
we have had a lot of miracles since we have been home. i wish i would have written them down as they happened. i did find an email i sent to kasey about one miracle i watched happen. i want to have it documented for this journal.
cameron was working on some math today. he got two problems incorrect and freaked about it. started crying, getting mad that i told him they weren't correct. he blamed himself and said how stupid he was and how he always gets things wrong. when he tried to "boss" me about it, saying he knew they weren't incorrect, i said something like, "are you telling me that you are right, and the book is wrong?" he said, "no." i talked to him about how we don't have to be perfect, and it's okay to have to correct work. after he calmed down and corrected the simple errors, he said to me, "mom, when you said, 'are you telling me that you are right and the book is wrong?', "i felt kind of stupid." it felt so sincere from him! i pulled him in my arms and told him i was sorry and my intention was not to make him feel stupid. i told him i loved him and he was not stupid at all and that he didn't have to feel that way. he got big tears in his eyes and burst into tears. it was SO sincere! we hugged for a while and i told him everything was okay and told him how good it was to share feelings politely, rather than acting them out and getting so angry and letting it ruin his day.
a few minutes after, he went to eat lunch, and came back and asked if he could just go lay on his bed for a while. i asked if he needed a break, and he said, yes. he went in his room and laid in bed for a few minutes, came back out and came straight to me and gave me a hug. i was a little worried he was trying to manipulate. but when he asked a moment later to color a picture, i said i wanted him to do one more sheet of math... he said, "yes mom" and was happy to do it. i then tested him... i told him we were going to do the art activity after quiet time (he was a little upset earlier when i told him he might have to wait until after quiet time)... he said, "okay mom" and went on with his math!
what??!?!?! this was a miracle! the fact that he pulled himself out of his kind of "fit," and then ASKED to go to his room to rest... and then was willing to work on what i wanted him to when he came out! amazing!!!!!!! and we got some great bonding in there during all of it. so cute!!!!
just thought i'd share. i hope i did okay! i felt it was so sincere from him... he really was feeling sad and expressed that. LOVE IT!
now to some of you, this may seem ridiculous. but you have to understand that this was a HUGE step for cameron. normally, when he starts to have meltdowns about things, he goes into a screaming fit or rage, blaming me (which he did a little bit of, but he also blamed himself, which RARELY happens and is great for him), and i normally have to tell him he needs to go rest on his bed or lay on a blanket to relax. that usually (or used to) make him even MORE mad, and he'd scream and yell and freak out even more. then he would be mad for hours and sometimes days... where he couldn't snap out of his "funk" and wouldn't care about doing anything, wouldn't want to do anything he was asked to do, etc. so, the fact that HE asked to go to his room was AMAZING! he knew he was getting frustrated and rather than blowing, he knew he needed to just take a break and go be alone. SO GOOD!!!!
we have had a few other miracles, like cameron getting sick! now most mom's wouldn't be excited about this. (and usually, i'm not excited about it either). but when cameron gets sick, i get EXCITED! kids with rad hardly EVER get sick. and if they do, it's like a tiny stuffy nose for a day. (at least for cameron). the rest of the house could be down and out, and he is still running around like a maniac (before we went to new hope, of course). but tyler brought a nasty chest cold home from work and cameron got it!!!! the ladies at new hope say that it's a great sign when they start to get sick. it means they are healing. they start to actually be somewhat in tune with their bodies to know they are sick and allow their body to be sick. cameron actually had a low-grade fever for 2 days! 2 days!!! i cannot even remember the last time cameron had a fever. maybe when he was about a year old with his 8th ear infection. honestly. that's probably the last time he had a fever! with this chest cough, he laid on the couch for a day and a half. that was a miracle!
we have also had some great, tender, bonding moments since we got home. i can't think of an specifics (dang it) but he has been so cute with me. lots of little things... kissing me randomly on the cheek or the hand, rubbing my arm, just little signs of affection that he NEVER did before, unless he wanted something to go his way. it's so weird to have him giving me random bits of affection, but i am LOVING it! it's so cute and so sincere!
so, in other news (we have had a lot going on here), we are moving. TO UTAH! i never thought i'd be excited to say that. but i am. the reason? two words for you. new hope.
when i was in utah, i had such a strong impression (several actually) that we needed to be in utah. cameron needed to be in new hope 2, i needed to become more involved at new hope, etc. we needed to get there. yeah, it sounded nice. but did i really think it was going to happen? i doubted it big time!
while i was in utah, i got onto tyler's company's website and looked up job openings, only to find an opening for an RTL (rehab team leader- which is what tyler does up here... basically, manages the rehab team at a nursing home), at a brand new facility in south jordan. a NON-NURSING HOME! just a short-term rehab center where patients come after being at a hospital, before they are ready to go home. i emailed the job listing to tyler and said something like, "i really feel like you should look into this." he felt he should to, and pursued it.
a few weeks later, he came down to pick me and the kids up in utah to help us drive back home, (don't i have an awesome man?) and he arranged to have an interview at the facility for the job. he had been told they couldn't make any promises and that they had a TON of applicants. his interview lasted 2 1/2 hours and two days later, we drove home to washington. we were SO anxious for several weeks, while we waited to hear back about the job. i was pretty optimistic about it (which is weird, because i tend to be a pessimist) but as the days passed, i grew more pessimistic and doubted tyler would be offered the job. but, about 2 weeks ago, his company called, with an offer for him, saying the facility (who is owned by a different company than tyler works for... his company is just contracted in to do their rehab for them), really wanted to hire him and was really impressed with him. bummer part is, we are taking a big pay cut. over 10%. huge bummer. utah is really easy for them to recruit to... pasco, washington on the other hand... super hard to recruit to! therefore, they pay way more in pasco than they do in utah. but we have felt all along that we would be moving and that we would be taking this job, regardless of the pay. so after some negotiations (their original offer was more like a 13% pay cut), we accepted and we are leaving in about 3 weeks. still no place to live. but we are going.
we have a lot of mixed emotions right now... at least i do. i am obviously bummed about taking a pay cut... and not sure how that is even going to work out. cost of living in the salt lake area is quite a bit more than the tri-cities, and we will be spending more in general on gas and going to and from new hope. but we really feel peace about our decision and know it is what is best. we feel like a whole new set of trials await us in utah. one of the biggest being, friends and family. it has actually been quite nice to be here, secluded in pasco, where we can live our life and not many people question us about the why's, how's and when's of what we do with cameron. it's quite complicated stuff, and very hard to understand. especially if you have any sort of "attachment" to cameron. so we will be dealing with that square in the face. if cameron is going to heal, he cannot be around anyone that will let him manipulate in any way, shape, or form (especially at first). it is me (his mom) that he is trying to build trust with. so if anyone gives him ANYTHING that his mom won't normally give him OR they don't ask me first, he literally believes he is manipulating them to get it. i have been pretty stressed about being around family members because to cameron, the smallest thing is manipulating for him. like, getting a hug from someone. cameron knows that right now, it's best for mom and dad to be in charge of affection (one of his biggest ways to manipulate). so, if he see's a grandma or aunt and they come and give him a hug, deep inside, he thinks he just controlled them into giving him a hug with his charm. i know, it sounds insane. i didn't believe it either. until i saw him using affection with others day in and day out to push me away, hurt my feelings, win over others. he loves to "engage" people... if he can get you to give him any sort of attention (if he looks over at you and smiles and you come over and talk to him), in his mind, he manipulated that. so, i know how ridiculous that sounds... so let me illustrate a conversation i had with cameron a few days ago...
cameron was in a really good place. he wasn't being manipulative, he was happy. so i decided to try something... i asked him what manipulating means. he gave me a response that was something like this:
"when i ask someone for something that my mom doesn't know about or without asking her first."
hmmmm...
my next question, "who let's you manipulate?"
he then listed off just about every person's name in our extended family. aunts, uncles, grandma's, grandpa's, etc. he even gave EXAMPLES as to when he had manipulated them. i asked him if kasey and lauralee let him manipulate. his response?
"no."
i just kind of sat there and listened (thinking inside, "oh my word") and then casually changed the subject.
so do you see how unhealthy that is for him? if he has an addiction to controlling others and situations around him, it wouldn't be healthy for him to be around people on a regular basis that allow any sort of control. now, as a grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, whoever, it is very hard. you have to give up what you want to do. you have to give up what makes sense (because you just need to love them more if they have problems, right?) wrong. not for rad. you have to give up what you want, for what is best for the child. it plain stinks sometimes. but the miracles we have witnessed in doing this at home has been well worth the trial. cameron is in the process of attaching to me as his mother. this single relationship between a child and his mother will affect ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE! if the child cannot trust the mother, he will trust no one. so we are trying to help him from the beginning, most basic relationship, so that he can have healthy relationships in the future. the road to getting there is not an easy one though. not at all.
okay, i'm rambling.
on another note (so i can ramble some more), this new hope 2 thing is tough for me. very humbling actually. it's not nearly as "black and white" as new hope 1 was. consequences for everything. very basic. it was my comfort zone. i got the the point where i felt like, "wow. i am a completely different mom. i feel like i am calm, collected, so nice to my kids all the time, never raise my voice." i loved it. well, new hope 2 brings on some stress. some, not so black and white, and "real life" mixed in. me and stress don't do so well together. so i am making mistakes, i have raised my voice, i am not perfect. i have been frustrated way more than i was before. but like kasey told me, perfect is not healthy and doesn't work. so it is so good for me to be getting bits and pieces of real life back in, so i can learn to deal with all of it. (remember how i told you, this journey is just as much for me as it is cameron. actually, it's more for me than him). so, no one has been quite as settled since we got home... and neither have i. the stress and unknowns of moving, packing, going to rad camp in a few weeks (and then leaving two days later to move to utah), sick kids, etc., has been so tough for me to remain "centered," calm, etc. but it's real life, right? if i have everything perfect and calm and quiet all of the time, how on earth would my kids ever learn how to deal with life when they get outside of the home? we all have to learn how to cope with it and adjust to different circumstances.
okay. i'm done i think. but my next goal is to write down my story. i'm talking details. everything i can remember. what things contributed to cameron having rad, what life was like with cameron as a baby, toddler, etc.... for those people who may be concerned their child doesn't have a healthy attachment... things to watch for. because these kids get worse with age. and they don't "grow out of it" like other kids do. i want to document everything i can remember about life before we found help. i'll even post stories on here that are on my family blog about getting kicked out of stores, yelled at, lectured by people about how to discipline cameron. (those are fun). :)
sorry this post wasn't put together well. i just haven't been on top of the blog but wanted to write about several things. so wish me luck the next few weeks... packing and moving my family's and my life down to utah for our next adventure!
we have a lot of mixed emotions right now... at least i do. i am obviously bummed about taking a pay cut... and not sure how that is even going to work out. cost of living in the salt lake area is quite a bit more than the tri-cities, and we will be spending more in general on gas and going to and from new hope. but we really feel peace about our decision and know it is what is best. we feel like a whole new set of trials await us in utah. one of the biggest being, friends and family. it has actually been quite nice to be here, secluded in pasco, where we can live our life and not many people question us about the why's, how's and when's of what we do with cameron. it's quite complicated stuff, and very hard to understand. especially if you have any sort of "attachment" to cameron. so we will be dealing with that square in the face. if cameron is going to heal, he cannot be around anyone that will let him manipulate in any way, shape, or form (especially at first). it is me (his mom) that he is trying to build trust with. so if anyone gives him ANYTHING that his mom won't normally give him OR they don't ask me first, he literally believes he is manipulating them to get it. i have been pretty stressed about being around family members because to cameron, the smallest thing is manipulating for him. like, getting a hug from someone. cameron knows that right now, it's best for mom and dad to be in charge of affection (one of his biggest ways to manipulate). so, if he see's a grandma or aunt and they come and give him a hug, deep inside, he thinks he just controlled them into giving him a hug with his charm. i know, it sounds insane. i didn't believe it either. until i saw him using affection with others day in and day out to push me away, hurt my feelings, win over others. he loves to "engage" people... if he can get you to give him any sort of attention (if he looks over at you and smiles and you come over and talk to him), in his mind, he manipulated that. so, i know how ridiculous that sounds... so let me illustrate a conversation i had with cameron a few days ago...
cameron was in a really good place. he wasn't being manipulative, he was happy. so i decided to try something... i asked him what manipulating means. he gave me a response that was something like this:
"when i ask someone for something that my mom doesn't know about or without asking her first."
hmmmm...
my next question, "who let's you manipulate?"
he then listed off just about every person's name in our extended family. aunts, uncles, grandma's, grandpa's, etc. he even gave EXAMPLES as to when he had manipulated them. i asked him if kasey and lauralee let him manipulate. his response?
"no."
i just kind of sat there and listened (thinking inside, "oh my word") and then casually changed the subject.
so do you see how unhealthy that is for him? if he has an addiction to controlling others and situations around him, it wouldn't be healthy for him to be around people on a regular basis that allow any sort of control. now, as a grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, whoever, it is very hard. you have to give up what you want to do. you have to give up what makes sense (because you just need to love them more if they have problems, right?) wrong. not for rad. you have to give up what you want, for what is best for the child. it plain stinks sometimes. but the miracles we have witnessed in doing this at home has been well worth the trial. cameron is in the process of attaching to me as his mother. this single relationship between a child and his mother will affect ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE! if the child cannot trust the mother, he will trust no one. so we are trying to help him from the beginning, most basic relationship, so that he can have healthy relationships in the future. the road to getting there is not an easy one though. not at all.
okay, i'm rambling.
on another note (so i can ramble some more), this new hope 2 thing is tough for me. very humbling actually. it's not nearly as "black and white" as new hope 1 was. consequences for everything. very basic. it was my comfort zone. i got the the point where i felt like, "wow. i am a completely different mom. i feel like i am calm, collected, so nice to my kids all the time, never raise my voice." i loved it. well, new hope 2 brings on some stress. some, not so black and white, and "real life" mixed in. me and stress don't do so well together. so i am making mistakes, i have raised my voice, i am not perfect. i have been frustrated way more than i was before. but like kasey told me, perfect is not healthy and doesn't work. so it is so good for me to be getting bits and pieces of real life back in, so i can learn to deal with all of it. (remember how i told you, this journey is just as much for me as it is cameron. actually, it's more for me than him). so, no one has been quite as settled since we got home... and neither have i. the stress and unknowns of moving, packing, going to rad camp in a few weeks (and then leaving two days later to move to utah), sick kids, etc., has been so tough for me to remain "centered," calm, etc. but it's real life, right? if i have everything perfect and calm and quiet all of the time, how on earth would my kids ever learn how to deal with life when they get outside of the home? we all have to learn how to cope with it and adjust to different circumstances.
okay. i'm done i think. but my next goal is to write down my story. i'm talking details. everything i can remember. what things contributed to cameron having rad, what life was like with cameron as a baby, toddler, etc.... for those people who may be concerned their child doesn't have a healthy attachment... things to watch for. because these kids get worse with age. and they don't "grow out of it" like other kids do. i want to document everything i can remember about life before we found help. i'll even post stories on here that are on my family blog about getting kicked out of stores, yelled at, lectured by people about how to discipline cameron. (those are fun). :)
sorry this post wasn't put together well. i just haven't been on top of the blog but wanted to write about several things. so wish me luck the next few weeks... packing and moving my family's and my life down to utah for our next adventure!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Scenes from New Hope
I was lucky enough to go to dinner with these ladies a few nights ago. It was so much fun and the food was awesome. I forgot to take pictures that night, so we took some the next afternoon (yesterday) after all of the kids had left the center.
These are the ladies from New Hope that helped to show me a new way of life. Truly, a new hope. :)
Kasey and LauraLee with me and my sister, Heather
Adding the kids in. Kasey (holding Heather's twin boy Ethan), LauraLee with her baby Caden, me with Avery, Heather with her twin girl, Sydney
Isaac and I playing a game
Interactive play with polly dolls
Free, creative play on the chalkboard
More from yesterday
I told them it was about time I had a picture of them for my blog journal. :)
Thank you again... for everything!
These are the ladies from New Hope that helped to show me a new way of life. Truly, a new hope. :)
Kasey and LauraLee with me and my sister, Heather
Thank you again... for everything!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)