feels like it never ends

i'm going to the temple tonight for the first time in WEEKS! i haven't been since a few weeks before avery was born and she will be a month old on christmas day! i can't wait. (writing that just reminded me that i needed to actually schedule my appointment to go, or i wouldn't be guaranteed a spot in the session). done.

sometimes i feel like cameron's behaviors never end. we get rid of one and he creates another one. mostly to drive me crazy. i don't know if it's all the way conscious or not. but the behaviors are doing just that. driving me crazy and exhausting me. this fuels his need to be in control of my emotions. he loves it. he's good at hiding that. but i know him well enough to know how much he dislikes me and how much he thrives inside when he can cause me to be miserable or stressed. sad. but true! believe me!

cameron's first behavior we got rid of (first BIG behavior. there were/are a gazillion other small ones) was pooping in his pants. he has had issues with it since he was potty trained at like 3 years old. off and on. we got rid of the behavior in utah. and around halloween, it came back. to get rid of it again, i had to not allow ANYTHING in his underwear. not even a skid mark. we still check them every night. he hasn't done "wash" for weeks. whew!

next he started clogging the toilet every time he would poop. first it was just once every few days. but i soon realized it was becoming an every day, every time he pooped thing. ugh! so gross! he would spend 25 minutes in the bathroom... wiping and wiping and wiping. wet wipe after wet wipe. toilet paper after toilet paper. i wasn't sure what to do because i didn't want him cleaning it up for fear that there would be water all over the floors and all over my bathroom. ew. i'm a germ freak! so, i went to the experts. my favorites kasey and lauralee, asking them for a good consequence to end this behavior. me getting frustrated wasn't working. it was only fueling the behavior. lecturing wasn't working. (duh. it never has with him or does with any of my kids). i told kasey the only thing i could think of was having to pay me in chores. or doing a page of coloring. he HATES it with a passion. it's just a rectangle of butcher paper cut out and he has to fill it in with color. seems simple. well a lot of times, when i give that task to cameron, it causes a meltdown. yep. coloring. depending on his mood, he will either get it done quickly (cause he hates it and wants to work hard and get it over with) or he will cry and freak out and scream at me that i'm so mean for making him color. kasey said, "um hello. he needs to do five pages of coloring for clogging the toilet over and over." it didn't take too many times of coloring five pages, and limiting the amount of toilet paper he can use before the behavior stopped. so he can no longer use the bathroom on his own during quiet time without asking. he has to ask to use the bathroom even during quiet time now so i can go take the toilet paper and wet wipes out of the bathroom and give him his allotted amount. yes. it's like having a two or three year old.

well that behavior has ended. but soon after he came up with another one. a lying one. this kid is so smart. he'd ask to use the bathroom and i'd say, "yes you may. potty or poop?" if he'd just say potty, i didn't need to go take the toilet paper and wipes out of the bathroom, right? boys don't wipe when they pee. well i started noticing that there would be toilet paper in the toilet after he'd pee. when i'd ask him about it, he would say, "well, i thought i just needed to go potty. but then i felt something in my bum and so i wiped just to make sure there wasn't any poop in it so it doesn't get in my underwear." or he would say, "well i thought i just needed to go potty, but then i needed to go poop." see the trend? i saw right through it and no matter what he says he needs to do in the bathroom, the toilet paper and wipes are gone. frustrating.

then he came up with another interesting one the past few days. now that he only gets a certain amount of toilet paper (and it's not like i give him two squares. he gets 4 sections of 3 square of toilet paper each section, and 2 wet wipes). that seems like enough to get myself clean, so why shouldn't he be able to learn how to get himself clean with that amount? so, instead of clogging the toilet, now he folds one section of toilet paper so many times that it pretty much disintegrates and becomes a bunch of teeny tiny pieces of toilet paper all over the floor and toilet. he is slightly obsessive about getting completely clean. you see, if he doesn't, it gets on his underwear and he has to do wash. it's a cycle for him. so he'll wipe, fold the section of toilet paper over and over after wiping, so many times that it's eventually so small (and yes, he's touching the poop with his fingers, cause how could you not when folding it so small???) that it crumbles into pieces. when he did it again last night, i almost started to cry when i got back to my room. ANOTHER BEHAVIOR I HAVE TO GIVE A CONSEQUENCE FOR???? it's so tiring! and it totally fits for how he has been acting lately... being mean, in his own "nice" way, arguing, not following directions exactly, putting his spin of control on everything he can. for instance:

the other day, i was telling him what a good mom he had. and that he had the best mom ever! (i like to try to get that into his head since he doesn't like me, whether i'm lenient or strict. i'm trying to get him to realize that i am a good mom and he can trust me to take care of him). he looked at me and said, "well kasey is a better mom than you." WHAT? the lady from new hope that he hated? that he cried EVERY DAY i took him there? the one he called satan? yeah. i knew it was a lie. his own way of trying to hurt my feelings. i said, "ohhh. you must want to go live with kasey if she's a better mom than me." CAUGHT. he got a look of terror on his face and begged me not to text her and ask her if she had room for him to come live at her house. i played into his lie to get him to see he was lying, rather than getting offended and hurt. he wanted that. and i was hurt inside. but on the outside, i did just as good of a job lying as he did. no. i did better than he did. i tried to pull it out of him that he had just told a lie. but he wouldn't ever admit it. when i tried to get it out of him that he lied he said, "no. i meant she's just a better person. you are a better mom." i played into that for a while. then he said, "well. she has more things for me to do." when questioned what she had that was better, he said she had more puzzles (after thinking about it for a few seconds). bull. a bunch of bull. all to hurt me. to get me irritated. mad.

i was putting make up on the other day and said, "cameron you have such a pretty mom." he looked at me and said, "not when you do that." (my mouth hanging open as i'm putting mascara on. he then mimicked me doing that. yeah.

it doesn't matter what i say or do. what i like or dislike. he says or does, likes or dislikes THE OPPOSITE lately. he doesn't like me period right now. if i like a certain meal and say that, if asked if he likes it, he says no. or sort of. he doesn't want to be in agreement with me at all. he just wants to be nasty... in his own conniving way. he's not freaking out or yelling at me. he's not screaming at me or angry on the outside. but the words that come from his mouth sting like venom straight to my heart (even if he says them in a nice way). but i do a good job of not showing it. i just play into it to try and show him it's a lie. and he won't admit it. and that's okay. you see, he would be failing if he admitted it. and in his mind, if he can get me to crack, to cry, to be sad, to yell or scream, he would feel successful at gaining control of my emotions. ew. it's so sad!

he's hard to love right now. he really is. but i'm really doing my best to keep things low key and doing simple tasks of following directions. keeping him "safe" on a blanket with an activity or something to get his mind focusing and not in "control mode." he has always been hard for me to outwardly love. it's hard to explain. but the hell he created for so long made me miserable and i didn't even know what it was or how to get out. he controlled my world. and now that he doesn't, when he's in these "moods, "he will do anything he can to gain that back. to test me. over and over again. and i can't let him. because that fuels his addiction. writing about it is tiring!

macey is so much like cameron. but she doesn't test the limits out of a need to control. she's just a feisty little chick. but she gives SO MUCH BACK! she gives hugs and kisses and loves me. she gets genuinely excited when i walk through the door. cameron could care less. sometimes (hardly ever), he gives me a genuine smile or laugh. or lights up when i walk through the door. he did at one point (a few times). but not anymore. more backwards crap. i have never gotten much in return from cameron... which makes it completely exhausting to not only be his mom, but to try and help him heal in the best way i know how. and it's the hardest way possible. i promise!

so... i will go to the temple tonight with somewhat of a heavy heart. a tired heart. but i also feel much hope. i do love cameron. i feel badly for him. and i've been doing better about not getting frustrated inside the past few days. because i know it's not good for him and his control. and it's not good for me. getting frustrated only drives the spirit away. the spirit that i so desperately need to get through this time in my life. and who knows how long it will go on. i'm really trying. i need to reach out to god more. to pray more. to do more uplifting things, like read my scriptures and conference talks. i have to. my life has become centered on christ and his teachings. it had to. i had to slow down. to make this my absolute biggest priority right now. it's been almost 6 months since we started and i can't believe how fast it has gone. i love this new life in many ways. in many ways, it's harder. but in many ways, i am so much happier, my kids are happier (most days) and cameron and i are HOPEFULLY on our way to a healthy and loving mother/son relationship. i long to hold him in my arms and have him wrap his arms around me just as tight. i long to have him give me a real kiss. to look into my eyes with love. because i don't remember the last time i got that... if ever. and it may take until the next life. but how great a reward it will be then, or here on this earth. i know god can heal hearts and mend wounds. and if cameron and i never have a good relationship in this life, i want to be able to say to god, "i did the best i knew how. i tried my hardest. and i never gave up." and that's what i'm trying to do. every day. every hour. every minute.

a new blog

i decided to start a separate blog for this adventure we have been on for the past 5 months. in some ways, it seems like it has been forever since we went to new hope academy for the first time on july 6th. funny that i have the date memorized. i think i will remember that date forever. in other ways, it feels like the past 5 months has gone by so fast! i can't believe it has been that long since my world was turned upside down.

my sister suggested to me on the phone last night that i write more of the positive outcomes i have seen since we started this process with the experts at new hope and with our therapist, mr. max. this blog has seemed to be more of an "outlet" for me when things are rough. so i'll do my best to give a fair perspective.

so let me tell you the positive outcomes we have had since july.

for those of you who want your kids to behave better. to listen to you the first time you ask. to be obedient and respectful. keep in mind, this process is a lot easier if:

1. you start when your children are young! like SUPER young! kids are so much more capable than we think. like my two year old daughter, macey. she gets up in the mornings, eats her breakfast, and then starts her chores. they include: putting her books away from quiet time, getting dressed, brushing her teeth. she does these things BY HERSELF. it's not that i'm not willing to help her. she just likes to do them on her own. kids are far more capable than we think they are!

2. your child does not have a reactive attachment disorder OR a sibling with this disorder. :) this process is much harder on cameron than my other two kids and it takes A LOT longer! but for the "healthy" kids, it's way faster and they catch on pretty quick.

3. you are CONSISTENT. you hate to give children a consequence if they don't listen the first time you ask. but how can you expect them to do that, if you don't expect it? if you give them ten reminders, they will take the opportunity to allow you to do that every time. if you don't give any reminders, they won't require them. :)

so although this process is much more extensive for our family, simply teaching our kids to be obedient and respectful didn't take long for any of them. maybe a few weeks at most. and yes, they do choose to be disrespectful sometimes (ESPECIALLY during times of change), but i know what to do with consequences when they choose that. so don't be discouraged, thinking this is too much to do. you will have to give up a few weeks of your "normal routine." but it won't take all that long for them to get the hints and start to realize it's more fun to be respectful and obedient to mom than not!

although this way of parenting is MUCH more involved and harder short term, the benefits outweigh the struggles BY FAR! i am a happier mother, wife, friend, and person in general. seriously. ask my husband how much better we get along. no. i'm serious! ask my family how much more pleasant i am to talk to. ask my friends how much more calm i am. my house is. my family is. seriously. i am, i would say, one hundred times happier than i used to be. my family is one hundred times happier than we ever have been. it has been well worth it! and i thank god that he led me to kasey and lauralee at new hope 5 months ago. i am forever indebted to them for the things they have taught me and continue to teach me via email, gchat, and skype. :)

so here's to a new blog. i'm glad i started this... because i always hesitated to publish on my family blog about this for fear that people didn't want to read my journal entries about my struggles. so now they can be somewhere separate and i can keep it separate from my family blog.

lots of steps backwards

i think i'm going to start a separate blog to journal about my baby that struggles with reactive attachment disorder. then i can keep our family blog separate from it... even though this journey involves everyone. and it's a huge part of our family right now. well, it's the center of our family. rad. that's sad that rad is the center of my family. it sucks. oh well. it's a huge learning and growing experience for me. and i mean HUGE!

with all the changes we have going on here, cameron is wigged out. and i mean wigged out. i know this because of old behaviors coming back. very child-like behaviors. behaviors we were able to get rid of while we were in utah. well, they are back. and some that he hasn't done for a few years are back. ugh! it's so tiring and hard to not feel bad for him. to just let him make choices (even though he doesn't even understand or realize why he does some of them). some of these behaviors include:

*pushing limits and boundaries that a month ago, he wouldn't have pushed. like...

-bending the rules constantly. every rule possible is bent. every expectation is pushed. and i mean EVERY rule and expectation. asking him to hang on to the cart while we are out and he moves all over every area of the cart... especially changing his position to go stand on the other side by grandma. a month ago, he would have held onto the cart in the same spot and not moved.

-coming out of his room at night and trying to watch tv from the corner. a month ago, he never would have done that. just pushing his boundaries and limits.

*being obedient in his own way- putting his spin of control on almost everything. some on purpose. a lot of the time, his brain automatically does it. he's back in "control mode" to an extent. me asking him to put away his toys and him saying, "yes mom" but then finishing the last puzzle piece or two before putting it away.

*pee and poop- not only is he getting poop in his underwear almost daily (it's slowing down now that he's spending hours doing his wash), but he has peed the bed, in the middle of the night a few times. HUGE sign that he is out of whack.

*arguing way more. not letting me be the mom, trusting me, and saying, "yes mom" and doing what i ask. he's trying to do things on "his terms" and not mine. he was doing so awesome at this before the past month.

*tucking his private part between his legs. yes, that is a lot of information. but it's the reality of what's going on. he had an obsession with doing this a few years ago. he's doing it again. i don't know what it means. but i know the behavior is back.

these may seem like normal behaviors. and yes, children without rad do these things. but cameron's is all about control. and he does have an attachment disorder. he is literally still 2 years old inside. i know he doesn't feel calm inside since these behaviors are coming back. i know he's all wigged out with the holidays, the baby coming, grandma here, another grandma coming this week.

i have been able to pull myself emotionally out of it for the most part. let his choices be his choices. you have to! otherwise you feel bad, you cave, you give in slightly. you cannot give in to these kids at all! if i give cameron an inch, he will take it, and take another, and take another, and push for another. the only way to get rid of these behaviors is to take all of his control and choices away. completely away!!! and that is hard. i WANT to give him choices. i WANT to give him freedoms. i WANT him to be a boy. to play. to run. to laugh. but cameron isn't ready for any of it. unfortunately, all of his choices are unhealthy and about control for him. he doesn't make healthy choices. he started to... and i started giving him more choices and privileges. well i did it too fast, and all of this change threw him off at the same time. and that sucks. this is taking so long for him to heal. but i know i am partially to blame. trying to figure it all out. i have felt bad at times and not given as severe of a consequences as i should. and then he starts pushing. and pushing. and pushing for more. and then i get tired. and we start over, tightening the reins even more. whew! it's exhausting

i get more frustrated by his choices. that i have to stay home constantly, can't give my other kids fun privileges when they are being good, don't have anyone else to help with cameron that i can trust 100% to follow through with all of the consequences. someone that knows all of his tricks. how he talks and talks and uses his mouth for attention and control. i get selfish and want a break. and i do try to take those breaks so i can keep giving. but sometimes, especially when new behaviors resurface, it's hard to not get really irritated by what he's doing. like peeing the bed. ugh! cause when he pees the bed, he has to wash the bedding. with his feet. with stomping on it. over and over again. i hate it. i don't want to make him wash them. i know it will take hours for him to go through the process. but what do i do? give in and not make him? and then he'll push and it will become a battle? nope. can't do it.

he's been telling me what a mean mom i am. yeah. it hurts. and there are many times when i feel like a jerk. a complete jerk for a mom. but i KNOW i have to do this. i can't go back. that would be an absolute disaster. he wouldn't feel safe. he would go crazy. so all i can do is my best. tighten in the reins, be consistent, calm, not reactive. don't react to his choices. just give the consequence. our days around here are super boring lately. even ask tyler's mom. super boring!

tyler gave me a blessing the other night. i had a meltdown. with all the stress of the baby and company coming, i lost it. the blessing reminded me that cameron has agency. and that these struggles he has could be something he takes with him for the rest of this life. i cried. a lot. seriously? i'm going through all of this. he's going through all of this? and we still have the possibility of him not healing????? my heart broke in that moment. i was devastated. devastated! here we are doing all of this stuff with him... and in the end, there are two factors i can't control. god's will. and my son's right to choose. i cried even more. i remember telling tyler, "i don't feel any better. i don't feel peace." it hurt to remember that god is in control. as much as i want to be in control (we are all a little bit rad), and i want to be perfect for my son, i can't. i can't do it all. i can't be perfect. i can only do the best i can. and leave the rest up to god's will and my son's ability to choose for himself. whew. that was a hard night to be reminded of that.

life is hard. and i pray that one day, cameron will love me. i pray that one day, he will be able to truly feel love from others. because right now, he doesn't. he uses affection to manipulate almost 100% of the time. i hope that one day, he will be able to feel the love i have for him. some days i feel like it will never come. but other days i feel a great hope for him. i wouldn't be doing all of this if i didn't care or love him desperately. i do. but it's super hard to do and to watch.

we can only do the best we can through all of this change. i can only give what i can... stay as close as i can to the spirit, stay "clear" in my heart and mind so i can be open to those promptings. not get frustrated. just pull myself out of it. let him choose. give the consequences. as a mom, that's hard. i love this little boy. i want him to be that little boy that he was giving me small glimpses of before all this backwards stuff started. i want him to love life and be happy. it's just a long road to get there. a really long and tough road.

grateful

through this pain of trying to help my son and family heal, i am trying to be thankful today...

i was thinking about it earlier. i get down, wishing i didn't have to deal with this. wishing that we could live a "normal" life. as i was crying to tyler this morning before he left for work (and tyler hiding me from cameron so he wouldn't have the satisfaction of seeing me sad), i said that. "sometimes i wish we could just live a normal life." and then the thought immediately came to my mind, "tiffany. what is normal? no one lives the "normal" life." i got thinking...

i know/know of people that:

*have a child with autism.

*have children with other behavioral/mental/physical disorders.

*can't get pregnant after years of trying.

*are hurt mentally, emotionally, physically by their spouses. people that don't have a job. *people are losing their homes or have already lost it.

*have lost a child, spouse, close family member.

and it occurred to me that i need to do the best i can to not get down. to be fiercely grateful for all that i have been given. yes, i do have my "cup." my struggles. my hardships. i have a son with rad. but really... i am SO blessed!

i have...

*a husband who loves me. our relationship has NEVER been better than it is now. EVER! our son no longer has the control of mine and my husband's relationship in his hands. he doesn't get between us anymore.

*three children (and soon to be four)

*a healthy body that can exercise, carry babies, perform basic functions (even though i have gained close to 30 lbs recently).

*education- one i'm especially grateful for that the lord led me to 4 months ago... education about my son and his disorder. and boy am i grateful the lord led me to new hope and mr. max BEFORE this baby came so i could become a healthier mom.

*a job (tyler's). in this economy, we feel so blessed to not only have a great paying job, but to have people seeking him out several times in the past year since he graduated, trying to recruit him to come work for their company.

*a home (even if it's not "mine").

*money to meet our needs and some wants

*the gospel and temple. oh where would i be without it! surely... an absolute disaster.

*the atonement of jesus christ. that i can mess up and try to do and be better next time. that's what this life is all about.

*family. i love my little one. but it's really not so little anymore. we're soon to be a family of 6. holy crap!

just to name a few... i have a lot to be grateful for. and i need to remember, that even if i can't "see" people's struggles on the outside, they have them.

backwards

it's hard watching your kids go backwards... i'm talking about cameron of course. it's hard to watch him suffer the consequences of his choices and me having to crack down on him big time.

you see, when i was at new hope, i didn't understand a whole lot. but i learned to trust them. and boy am i learning to trust their expertise even MORE now! i thought everything was so extreme. i didn't want to be that extreme. but i have come to learn that i HAVE to be extreme with cameron if he is ever going to heal.

for example:

cameron is still not potty trained. sounds ridiculous at age 6, right? well, he is to an extent. cameron has never dealt with change very well. when we moved to utah a few years ago from arizona, he started peeing his pants. he had been fine for MONTHS. and the change wigged him out. first it was just a little bit of pee and he'd run to the bathroom at the last second. (he has ALWAYS waited until the VERY LAST SECOND to even try to make it to the bathroom). then he started full on peeing everything his bladder was holding. then he moved to poop. he'd get a tiny bit in his pants. well, after just a few days, he was going in the corner and pooping EVERYTHING out in his underwear. as a mom, i was infuriated. i felt like i was still potty training a 2 year old (which in all reality, i was). i would lecture, freak out, stay calm, be patient. nothing worked. eventually, having him clean out his own underwear worked... until the next big change. when cameron started going to new hope and all of his control taken away, the potty stuff started happening again. well, the poop stuff. at new hope, this is a run down of what they have the kids do if they have bathroom issues (which from what i understand, most of them do when all of their control is taken away. they move to food and bodily functions because no one can take that control away from them). so if they mess their pants at all, at new hope they have to...

*fill a bucket with water

*place soiled clothing inside

*stomp/run inside the bucket to get the poop/pee out for several minutes- if they are mad, throwing a fit, being obnoxious doing it, they make them stomp longer

*when you tell them it's time, they dump out the water, wring out the clothing until it's not dripping (cameron had to do this at new hope once with a blanket he peed on... took him a long time to get the blanket to not drip).

*dump the water out of the bucket

*repeat the above steps using, vinegar in the water, detergent in the water, and just water by itself again. so they go through that whole process 4 times.

wait. it gets better...

they then have to repeat this whole process with the clothes they are wearing. at new hope, they keep a change of clothes for each kid. so if they soil their one pair, they have them change into their spare clothes, wash the dirty ones, and then the kids have to put the wet/clean clothes back on and wash the "newly soiled" spare clothes they changed into. those clothes are now "soiled" from their bodies which had the pee/poop on them. so they have to follow those above steps (4 different times... with water, vinegar, detergent, and water again) with the "spare clothes." sounds super drastic right?

well there is a reason the women at new hope are so smart with these kids. they have been dealing with them for YEARS. they know that the consequence has to be extreme enough for these kids to want to stop the behavior. and it is extreme.

when i was in utah, i only had cameron doing the 4 step process with the original soiled clothes. however, since he has recently started getting poop in his underwear again, i am going to have to start having him do what they do at new hope. and it's not like he gets a ton of poop in there, most of the time. but if i allow a skid mark, he'll push it to a large skid mark. and a larger skid mark. i have to be SO SPECIFIC with this kid. it gets so annoying! i don't want to be that specific and hard nosed! but I HAVE TO BE! if not, i am going to be dealing with these behaviors, a slight variation of them, or him PUSHING AND PUSHING AND PUSHING to get away with other behaviors if i allow any poop in his underwear AT ALL! TRUST ME!!! i have tried to not be so strict and give him the benefit of the doubt. but more and more, i'm finding he has to have extremely clear lines. if not, he pushes to the limit of me going insane. (that's why i was on the verge of insanity before we started all of this).

so why is he going backwards? why are old behaviors resurfacing? like arguing more often rather than just saying, "yes mom." and trusting me. like doing really sloppy jumping jacks. like hiding two toys under his pillow at night when we don't bring toys to bed. like putting his slippers 6 inches out from the wall when he knows i asked him to put the slippers in the very corner of the room, touching the wall.

it's all about control for him. he has to put his little spin on EVERYTHING! from what the ladies at new hope have told me, this time of year is really hard on kids that deal with reactive attachment disorder. lauralee told me that no matter how hard i try to keep things low key at home, the kids can feel that nothing is low key in society. and they feel it. they have a had time staying focused, not becoming too hyper and out of whack. cameron forgets things. little things. that we have been doing for months. and i know it's because he isn't calm inside. he may look calm on the outside. but i know from small behaviors that he isn't. tapping his feet constantly. rocking in his chair at the desk. forgetting little things that we do every day. not focused on school work. he's overstimulated inside. and he hates when i have him take some "quiet time" on the blanket in the bathroom where there is very little stimulation. to get him to "calm down" inside and just relax. he feels like it's punishment. and it's not. it's just to help him re-focus and relax. and it works after about 20 minutes of him laying on a blanket in the bathroom.

it's hard to watch him go backwards. it's FRUSTRATING! but i can't let it get to me. because cameron LOVES for me to be frustrated. sad. but true. in fact, he LOVES for me to be anything but happy. he THRIVES when i'm frustrated or sad or feel beat up. i wish he wanted me to be happy. but deep inside, he loves it. want to know how i know? first off, we have no connection... or a very small one. he's very deceitful.

the other day, i was upset. i had scheduled my time to spend in the temple and tyler got busy at work and got home 20 minutes late. i was mad. and i was crying. i had to cancel my appointment. tyler and i were talking about it. we weren't raising our voices (we don't do much of that at all anymore... which is a miracle in and of itself. i used to yell and rant constantly. but really, i rarely do now. with my kids or with tyler). but we were kind of arguing and i was crying. cameron was doing puzzles around the corner from us. he peered around the corner to look at me with this look of complete satisfaction on his face. he was smiling. i was devastated. so hurt. that my 6 year old son wanted me to be sad and frustrated. he wanted tyler and i to be arguing. my heart broke for a moment. and i sternly told him to get back to his work. it hurts when your child doesn't have any love for you. and really... he doesn't. i hope it comes someday. and i believe it will. i get glimpses of it sometimes (which i have written about previously). sometimes, he shows a little hint of love. and i can't help but get emotional and cry. but when he shows me that he loves me being miserable, it really hurts my feelings.

so anyway. i'm babbling about nothing now, but i'm trying to just be "okay" with his choices. not getting mad. not doing things for him. he has to learn by his own experiences. i can't do things for him. i have to sit back, give the consequence, and watch him choose and hopefully learn. it's hard. sometimes i feel like we are never going to be normal. sometimes i feel like this journey is going to take a lifetime. and it might. but i can never give up hope that someday, cameron will feel the love i have grown to have for him over these last few months. and i pray that he doesn't hate me for making him suffer. it's hard. but the feeling and thoughts i get in my heart when contemplating this whole process... when i'm feeling badly for my kids that we have to do this. when i just want cameron to be a kid. when i don't want to ask him what problem i have with his room is in the mornings (when he made his bed really sloppy and crappy on purpose or left one thing out that he knows he should do, just for the purpose of control), the thought that continually comes to me is that "tiffany. you are teaching your children to be obedient with exactness. you are doing what you need to be doing." that is the ONLY thing that keeps me going some days. when i get a thought to have cameron do it over, or say no to isaac and macey for something they ask for. to test them. to see if they will throw a fit or say, "yes mom" and let it go. this is hard stuff. but i am grateful for it. and grateful that i know deep in my heart, i am doing what's best for my family.

so even if we have to go backwards for a few months... with all the holidays here, a new baby coming in the next few weeks, grandma's coming to visit to help... it's bound to throw my kids out of whack a little bit. all i can do is keep things as simple as possible and stay consistent!!!!! i am excited for this baby to come... but the other part of me is terrified to throw change into the mix. but that's part of life. and we have to learn to deal with it. especially cameron.

so here's to being consistent and loving... but firm. what a learning process this is! and a true process. this is no "quick fix" as some people criticized when i first started. this is the longest route possible!!!!

because i want to print this blog one day...

i'm full of blog posts lately... wanted to write down more thoughts, feelings, etc of course, about my rad baby.

i've been reflecting a lot about my first moments at new hope. really. i had NO CLUE what i was in for. (which is a good thing, otherwise i would not have shown up to my appointment). i remember them sending me to talk with my sister who is an emotional release facilitator. they kept cameron upstairs with the other children doing quiet tasks while i went downstairs with kasey and lauralee. when kasey asked me to give them an idea of what life was like for me, i think the first thing i did was burst into tears. i told them how i lived a life of hating my job. i didn't enjoy being a mom. i felt like i was being pulled in forty five different directions all the time. i never got a break. my kids were demanding, whiny, rude, disrespectful, high maintenance. i remember telling them that i was often emotionally wiped out by 8:00 in the morning. before tyler even left for work. i remember telling them how difficult cameron was for me. that i tried to be patient with him. but i was a wreck. i was yelling all the time, spanking, swearing, freaking out daily. DAILY PEOPLE! i was at the end of my rope emotionally. as one rad mom put it, "i was as out of control as my child." i was not that mom i wanted to be. i did not have good feelings toward cameron. and i felt so much guilt for it. i really felt like i was doing the best i could. but i was drowning... and NO one was throwing me a life preserver. no one was there. no one understood. no one "got it." i had many times (way more often than not) that i wanted to throw in the towel and walk out. take my own life. be done. it's sad, but it's true. i would think i needed a break, so i'd go out to target on a saturday and have tyler babysit... only to come home just as "down" and "beat into the ground." not much seemed to lift me. i struggled with depression, but i didn't know it. i had no connection with god. i never felt him. i struggled to feel much but despair, grief, frustration, and anger.

i had to leave out the back door to leave new hope. i couldn't stand the pain of leaving cameron behind in a place where i knew from the first 5 minutes, they weren't emotionally involved with these kids, and they weren't going to let them get away with anything. they were strict. very strict. and had no interest in playing the games that i didn't know cameron played. they were going to take all of his control away. all of it. and i couldn't bare to have him see me walk out a basket case. so i walked out the back door, ran to my car, and drove to heather's house.

heather is an emotional release facilitator... helping people release emotions that are holding them back in a way or inhibiting their life. heather was the reason i even knew of kasey and new hope. she has worked with several of the children that have been at new hope, working with kasey before. i really have her to thank for contacting kasey for me when cameron started making very dangerous and scary threats to me and himself, and started acting on some of them... starting just after he turned five years old last fall.

at the beginning of this process, i felt like i was giving up so much of my life. so much of my time, my friends, my family, my everything to do this with cameron. i stayed in utah for 2 months, when i was only supposed to be gone for 3 weeks. i didn't want to. in fact, that first day at new hope, i was trying to come up with every excuse in the book to NOT go back the next day. to not bring cameron back there where he was exposed and hurting. but something deep down inside of me told me i HAD to take him back. i HAD to keep going, as painful as it was. that first week sucked. the first weekend was WORSE. as i put the strict guidelines down with cameron, he was hurting me. kicking, hitting, spitting, punching my 19 week belly. i cried. A LOT. i spent more time crying that first month than i have in my entire life, i'm pretty sure. it was so hard! before long, i realized i had to do the same things with my other kids who weren't being obedient or respectful either. i had to do it all over again with them. and isaac had the same reactions that cameron did... hitting, kicking, screaming, punching my stomach. i couldn't believe it. had he watched cameron's behavior for so long and been so affected by it? that is one thing that has shocked me is how much this has all affected isaac. living with cameron has obviously been very hard on isaac. cameron pretty much hated isaac from the day he was born. and they never bonded, nor were they really friends at all. ever. he clung to macey once she was born, and they have stuck together ever since. i remember kasey telling me that i was going to be helping isaac to not have add. i remember thinking, "isaac? have add? really?" and boy have i seen it since we've been home. if he has free time, he just starts to jump, run, be crazy, jabber about nothing, be super hyper. he has to have directives like cameron... until it becomes more natural for him to not have to go crazy if he doesn't have something to do.

so back to feeling like i gave up my life for all of this... i used to feel like that (and i sometimes still do). but i have come to find through this process that i have not given up anything except disrespectful, disobedient children; a crazy mom who was so unhappy, a life with zero structure, exhaustion, frustration, yelling, screaming, kicking, hitting, fighting. i have been given an opportunity to have a new life that i could not be more grateful for. i would never go back in a million years to the way we lived before... the way I LIVED BEFORE! i used to make fun of people that listened to church or uplifting music all day. yeah. i've become that person (that always seems to happen to me... the people i judge, i become that same way). i used to judge people who were too strict on their kids... i'm now one of them. so really. i haven't given up anything for this life. i have been given a new life that i love... even if i have days where i want out... where my kids are making poor choices and refuse to do what i ask and end up doing 100 jumping jacks during the day and 6 time outs. THEY ARE HAPPIER!

it's funny... as they all started to be more obedient and compliant, i was so happy to give more opportunities for privileges. like play time with mom, going out, saying yes to their requests instead of no, etc. (i basically said no to EVERYTHING. until they stopped throwing fits when i'd say no). well, i gave too many, too fast. cameron started arguing more with me, trying to "boss" me around (in the nice way that he always does- this is because he doesn't trust), isaac started arguing and throwing mini fits, macey was crying more. so we went back to the basics last week of having small boundaries at home and concentrating completely on compliance and respect. what's funny is after two days of doing it (and lots of time outs for isaac and macey), THEY ARE ALL HAPPIER! my kids NEED these boundaries. they BEG for these boundaries. and we have to be extreme because we are doing this all backwards, remember?

back to when i was talking about going to target when i needed a break. i did this a lot. i'd need a break, so i'd go shop. or i'd go sit on the computer. i'd watch a movie. hmmm. only to find out that IT DIDN'T RELIEVE ME OF MY STRESS AND FRUSTRATIONS. i wasn't uplifted AT ALL! something i've learned... nourish your SPIRIT! i think so many of us neglect that. i always wanted a break and thought if i just took some time to watch my favorite tv show or grab a dress at target, i would feel better. i never did. never. never. never. however, this time around, i go to the temple once a week. i don't do it because i want to look so faithful. i do it because it is the ONLY thing that truly lifts me. and there are some weeks that i go and i don't feel lifted. in fact, i'd say about half the time, i come back not feeling as good as i'd like to feel. but there are other weeks where i come out feeling encouraged to keep going. every time, i do feel the confirmation that what i am doing is BEST for my family. not just a good thing. but the BEST thing! last week, i did my weekly session, and the last 25 minutes, i could not stop crying. one of the workers even had to offer me tissues because i could not stop the tears from flowing. i was full of gratitude for what i've learned and have been doing, and burning with the spirit with the will to continue on the path we are on. this is something that has been amazing to me. learning that i need to feed my spirit when i'm struggling and when i'm not struggling. not my wardrobe, target outings, or tv time. the temple used to be so boring to me (and there are many days i still don't feel like going and i'd rather take that trip to target or the mall). but i am learning that life isn't about "fun." and i'm learning that as "fun" as those things can be, they do not bring me happiness whatsoever. i am learning that i don't get blessings from doing those things. i receive blessings when i put what's most important first. this life is not about games, entertainment, and fun. those things are not bad, and i think are important to partake in. but i have had to learn that other things come above it and bring the nourishment i need to survive. for that lesson, i am forever thankful.

six years

can you tell a difference in this little boy's eyes? the first two pictures are from last fall. just before we moved up here to washington. the third picture is about a month into therapy and "new hope academy." i can tell a HUGE difference. his smile is way more genuine and real... not forced and trying to be someone he is not. we still get that forced smile. but it's not the only smile he has now! and his eyes have a light in them now... whereas before, they were usually empty.


there is a little boy in there... he's just starting to show it... sometimes!

six years ago today, i had my first baby. cameron and i had a rough start... i had a rough adjustment to being a mom. he was a HARD baby. very high maintenance. he cried A LOT! i had him in the doctors office every month after he turned 2 months old... i remember telling the doctor, "ever since he got his first immunizations, he is so fussy and cries all the time!!!" he didn't believe me. i don't know what happened. but i do know that i struggled to enjoy being a mom. i struggled over losing sleep, over having someone else to take care of 24/7, over not feeling much support or understanding from my husband. (i'm not ripping on tyler. he just didn't "get" why i didn't LOVE being a mom and why i needed help- all the time). it was hard for me. cameron drained me... for 5 1/2 long years, he drained me.

but we are on the up-swing. our relationship is getting better. i can truly say i love him more now than i ever have. and this process of having a child with rad is more about changing me. not him. it's about teaching me to slow down. to simplify. to teach my children to be respectful and obedient. to rely on the lord. to pray. attend the temple. study my scriptures. use the spirit DAILY. this process is way more about me than him. and i can honestly say, i really am changing. i love you cam!

what a blessing he is. we love you cam!

my little cameron

just wanted to get some feelings and memorable moments down...

cameron is doing better and better on school work. he still has days where he fights it, is lazy, won't do the work, starts to have meltdowns about it. but those days are getting less often and it's getting more often that he's willing to work hard and really check his work to find mistakes, rather than "check" it where he just pretty much guesses which ones are incorrect and writes something else down... it's funny. it only causes more frustration because then he has to go back and figure out why he had 3 problems to fix and now he has 4! he used to freak out when i'd tell him, "now you have 4 problems to fix." haha. it was kind of funny. but he's starting to understand that if he does it right the first time and TRIES, it's a lot less work for him! we spend time doing math (which from what i can see, he's more on a 1st-2nd grade level for math rather than kindergarten), reading (no idea what level the words are that he reads. but he's far beyond kindergarten), and writing right now. he is usually doing some sort of "school work" or work where his brain has to be challenged for around 2 hours per day. sometimes more. sometimes less. the rest of the day, he spends time running outside (yes. because of all the "quiet" activities he does, he needs to get energy out... but it's a very directed way of getting energy out- he runs around the perimeter of our backyard for 6-7 minutes, twice per day, right now... well, he runs until i come to get him. but i that's usually what i have him do. he does get "free" play, but most of the time, i chose the activity and he has a boundary he has to stay in... an area of the house (it used to be a blanket when we first started out). he also spends time helping me, doing his assigned chores, quiet time (which he spends reading, doing puzzles, or another quiet activity i give him- playing animals, cars, blocks, etc). one of his favorite things to choose when he does get to choose his activity is playing with babies or the play kitchen. ummm. the old cameron would have NEVER chosen those things and enjoyed them!

it's amazing to watch him progress. he shows qualities of such a little boy, that he never has shown before. cameron was always fighting me before. everything was a battle. i would take him to fun places, like the splash park, or the zoo... i would ask him after, "did you have fun?" and he'd ALWAYS respond with a "kind of." or "sort of." i never heard him say, "yes mom. that was so fun." in fact, the splash park wasn't even "fun" to him unless he had a friend there to play with. i was literally bringing two extra kids to the splash park so it would be fun for cameron. now... even having the privilege of playing with isaac or macey is FUN! he now says very often, "i had fun!" or "that was fun!" to the simplest things. playing hide and seek is one of their favorite things to do together with me or dad. and he laughs... like a little boy. instead of this forced, loud scream he always used to do. when we would try to tickle him, he'd just belt out this annoying scream. to the point where we didn't even want to tickle him because it was so loud and obnoxious. why was he like this? he never allowed himself to feel emotion. he literally didn't understand what it was like to feel happy or to smile for real. getting him to have a genuine smile didn't happen. i remember last fall, before my friend kara took our family pictures, rehearsing with cameron how to smile. i would say, "like you are laughing cam. try laughing" to make his smile more natural, rather than forced. he would do his fake laugh and it kind of helped. but not really. i have seen a real smile from him many times in the past few months. it's amazing. and a light in his eye that has always been absent... well, especially in the past few years. i'll have to post a picture from last fall and a picture of him now. his eyes and smile are like a different kid.

cameron hugged me for the first time the other night. the first time ever. where HE hugged ME! he was standing on top of the toy box before bed and i was in front of him and he reached out and put his arms around me. you may think i'm crazy, but he has NEVER hugged me before. where it's him initiating the affection. i remember one of the first days we were at new hope and he had a meltdown and kasey had me go hold him like a baby and hug him. she literally had to hold his arms up around me, because he just went limp. no affection. no responding to it. he just laid there limp in my arms. and i remember thinking how sad it was that he didn't want to show me any affection back. although his arms the other night were on top of mine (a symbol of his want to be in control), he didn't fight it when i put mine on top of his and his below mine. and the hug was brief. sadly, affection is all fake with him. i didn't understand that (our therapist and kasey had told me that- to be very brief with affection. otherwise, they start to think they are winning you over)... i didn't get how a child could be manipulative with affection. UNTIL i got home and watched him with his dad. everything about the affection he had with tyler was to get gain for himself. to get what he wanted. to manipulate tyler into being nicer than me, to not be as strict as me. and i became so sad. that the people he "loved," he didn't really love at all. because he didn't know how to. his mind just said, "if i hug her, she'll let me run for 5 minutes instead of 6 minutes." or "if i tell dad i want to cuddle with him in the mornings in his bed, i won't have to listen to mom when she tells me to come eat breakfast." i could read the boys eyes. he gets this look in his eyes when he is being manipulative or his mind is in that "mode" of "how can i make this work for me?" and it happens with EVERYTHING! but it's getting less often that i see that look come into his eyes. and that's one reason he doesn't have the privilege to make choices yet... at least not a lot of choices. because he instantly becomes manipulative. he'll even do it if i give him two choices of cereal in the mornings. he instantly gets that look, and sits there for a few moments, contemplating what to choose. i usually say, "i'll just choose for you." or "cameron, it's not hard to choose what kind of cereal you want." he does this a lot with food. i'll give him the choice between a banana and apple. of course he has to ask for a plum. but it's getting better. i think he's starting to learn how to feel real emotions. and it's incredible to watch.

i have such a love for this little boy (now today is a good day, so i'm especially feeling it). he really is a little boy inside. he just never allowed himself to be little. so we make sure to give him time to do that... playing with and doing activities he never did before. he is a sweet boy inside. just sometimes (like 2 weeks ago when he raged and i had to have tyler take the other kids outside because they looked so afraid of cameron while he was raging) he lets other things take over him. but we are healing. he is healing. i am healing. and it's days like today that remind me that what we are doing is working. all of the heartache we have gone through over the past 4 months is starting to pay off. and i have a glimmer of hope that one day, we will be whole as a family... even if it takes until the next life.

rad part III- what i've learned and what i do every day= really FUN!

where to begin... my therapist called his program a "pre-love and logic." love and logic doesn't even work completely to help kids with RAD. we also have spent a lot of time doing things one way. so my kids are going to take longer. one day, we'll be able to have less boundaries, more free play as they can act appropriately, and a more "normal" life. this is a program. this is not how our lives will be forever. let's hope!!!!!

i'm going to try and keep this post directed at kids with just behavior issues... not specifically to kids that suffer from RAD. although behavior is behavior, it's a little different with cameron. so i'm going to make what i've learned as basic as possible. cause RAD is really complicated and confusing. these kids ability to manipulate (almost constantly) is crazy! healthy kids will manipulate, of course, but kids with RAD are serious masters at it. seriously.

so this is to all those mothers out there who feel like their kids control their lives, whose kids are disrespectful, whose kids have behavior that is plain embarrassing. healthy kids will respond to this rather quickly, depending on their age (and personality of course). AND most of all and MOST importantly, parents MUST BE CONSISTENT! MUST MUST MUST! if there is one thing i've learned that's most important, it is to be consistent and follow through with what i say. here is what i've learned.

*decide what behaviors you are okay with and what you are not.

*make your expectations clear to the children.

*do not let their decisions affect you or your mood. their choices are their choices. (this is KEY). their choices can affect their day. not yours.

*there must be a consequence to the inappropriate behaviors.

examples of some behaviors that were sometimes tolerated in my home that are not okay any longer.

*screaming

*jumping on furniture or off of the furniture (couch, beds)

*hitting, kicking, punching, scratching mom or anyone else (it sure made me mad and i didn't "allow" it, but there really wasn't a consistent consequence for it).

*saying "no" when mom makes a request (in a refusal sort of way).

*being too noisy or hyper (we are teaching our kids who lived with an extremely hyper brother, to be calm and quiet most of the day).

for instance... here is an example of something that has happened in my house with my isaac (who does not have attachment issues).

i asked him to sit on a specific blanket and play with blocks. he did for a few minutes and then got off the blanket. the consequence i choose is jumping jacks (you can also do a "strong sit" which i will explain in a minute). i asked isaac to do 5 jumping jacks (this helps redirect his attention and doing something physical helps remind him not to do that behavior). isaac refused to do the jumping jacks or just ignored me. if he would have done the jumping jacks, i would have redirected him to the blanket afterwards and reminded him to stay on it and play with the blocks. since he chose not to do the jumping jacks, he goes in a time out for 3 1/2 minutes. after he completes the time out, he has to go back and do the 5 jumping jacks i asked him to do that he refused, and he is directed back to the blanket for block play. now, getting him to do his time out has also been an issue (without taking 45 minutes to finally sit in a "strong sit.") a "strong sit" is sitting quietly with arms folded and legs crossed. this is what they must do in their time out. the timer does not begin until they are sitting that way. and if they come out of that position (to be defiant), the timer starts again. does that make sense??? it is this way with everything.

if i ask one of my kids to clean up the toys and they either ignore, aren't listening, refuse, etc (anything except say "yes mom" and clean them up), i ask them to do 5, 10, 25 jumping jacks (the little kids usually do 5 or 10 and cameron almost always does 25). if they complete the jumping jacks, they are just re-directed to what they have been asked to do. i would say 80% of the time, this works once they get the hang of it. if they chose to not complete the jumping jacks, they have a "sit time" or "time out" for the number of minutes that they are old. after which, they are invited to do their jumping jacks that they refused to do, and then to go back to their activity or chore. again, if they just refuse the jumping jacks again after time out, they just go right back into time out. so, at the beginning, kids will spend LOTS OF HOURS in time out! especially older kids, really difficult kids. yes, sometimes the entire day is spent in time out.

some kids may refuse to sit with their arms folded and legs crossed. that's fine. but there is a consequence to that too. my kids get restrained (if they try to run away, hit me, kick me, whatever it may be). if they will just sit and not fold and cross legs and arms, that's fine. they choose when they do that. but if they are defiant and trying to get away, i restrain them until they can control their bodies. and they also "owe" me for having to help them. two time outs, or bedroom time for however many minutes it takes them to do their "strong sit." you have to make the consequence worse than doing the behavior. so they need to "owe" you. you can tell them, "i can help you to the corner, closet, blanket, barstool for time out, but you will owe me two time outs if i need to help you." i hope this is making sense. it is seeming so complicated to write it all out.

in public, it's a little different. jumping jacks draws too much attention and is annoying. and people will think you're crazy. so if they aren't behaving how you expect them to, you leave. do some "mock" errands, without any real plans. that way, as soon as one of the kids does something inappropriate, they go back home. now here is another key. some people have said, "well that just teaches them to act out, and they get to go back home if they don't like the store they are at." that's where what we do at home comes in...

you start with very small boundaries for kids. give them very specific directions through most of the day. with my kids, we began with a blanket. and i would give them directions. "isaac. i want you play with these blocks on this blanket." they choose one of two things. listening or not. if they listen, great. if they don't, the consequences begin as explained before. (note: healthy kids don't mind the jumping jacks most of the time. they actually think it's fun- unless in a defiant mood. my kids will ask to do them- isaac and macey). another note, the kids are required to stay on that blanket and do that age appropriate activity until you direct them otherwise. you are practicing you being in charge and not them. if they come off or get too loud or anything like that, you start with the consequences). so basically, once the kids can learn to listen to "go, come, stay, sit" on the small boundary of a blanket, they can start to have other privileges and larger boundaries. so you start extremely small and can gradually give larger boundaries as they learn to be obedient and respectful. in between activities, we do physical exercise. they do jumping jacks, run in place, run in my backyard along the fence line for however many minutes i ask, or however many times i ask. again, healthy kids, 90% of the time think this is fun. isaac and macey get so excited when i tell them it's time to run! they love it. now back to the store. so if they misbehave and you take them back home, they go back to the small boundary since they could not handle listening, being obedient, and respectful, in the larger boundary. simple as that. they learn to LOVE going on errands (which cameron especially hated before). they learn that even helping mom around the house with cleaning or making dinner is a privilege.

hmmm. i think that pretty much covers the basics of what i do and what i've learned. it sounds very extreme (and trust me, it's not compared to what i have to do with cameron and his controlling, manipulative ways). it's just taking away their freedom to do whatever they want (if they have had that issue), and you taking charge. and when they aren't obedient, you give a consequence. the key is to not get angry, frustrated, or mad when they choose wrong. that's why we keep our days extremely simple. i have given up my life, my friends during the week, so that i can watch my kids specifically with all of their assignments to make sure they are on task and doing what i asked. that way, i can follow through immediately. i do have to make sure to take time for myself (and while they are in time outs, or doing their activities, i read my book or scriptures or blogs or whatever on the weekends). but for me, i parented one way for 6 years. it's going to take my kids a while to get the hang of what is okay and what is not. and having a child that suffers from RAD makes this process longer for everyone. not just him. he has affected isaac and macey more than i ever understood before doing all of this.

two things i have made happen in my home that i will be forever grateful for are:

*quiet time- i choose to have my kids go in their rooms for 2 hours each afternoon for a quiet time. i allow them to read books and do puzzles (as long as they are quiet and do it appropriately).

*not coming out of their rooms until 7:30 AM- i used to have days that would start at 5:30 AM. we bought an alarm clock that i can set for them, that lights up instead of sounding an alarm when it goes off. so at my house, it's set at 7:30 AM. they know that when the green light comes on, they are allowed to come out and start our day. BEST THING EVER. and if you don't have $40 to spend on one, just start by telling them what the expectation is. it's just a really fun few mornings filled with time outs when they come out before they should. :) my kids are allowed to come out to use the bathroom. they are expected to go right back to their room and read or do puzzles until that light comes on. :)

i have gone from being one really relaxed mom (on the outside- letting them do pretty much whatever as long as no one was dying. but on the inside, i was constantly stressed, lived with a ton of anxiety, and frustration) to a pretty strict mom. now, i have yelled, spanked, freaked out LESS in the past 2 months than ever before. because i don't let their decisions ruin my day. if they choose to sit in time out all day, or not work on their school work (cameron's struggle- not wanting to try anything that is hard for him and having meltdowns because of it), that's their day. my day can still be reading books, checking blogs, writing emails, etc. this is huge, especially for kids that love to ruin your day or get you mad. if you don't react, and just respond, it doesn't give them that "power" that they seek. if isaac refuses to stay in time out and comes out over and over again and i have to restrain him, i have a book or my cell phone close by so i can do "my thing" and he isn't controlling my time or my day. (for some kids, interaction is interaction. they don't care if it's positive or negative. this is something he observed in cameron for years). we have a lot of structure in our day. we used to have none. literally. there was no schedule, nothing. we pretty much had free play all day, every day. my kids were overstimulated (and i believe 90% of children and adults are these days. overstimulated) and SO WAS I!!!! so right now, we spend our days doing quiet activities separately, and together. and when i do activities with my kids, i am in charge of them and i give directions. if they can obey and respect the boundaries i give them, they have the privilege of spending some time with me. but even during that time, i am the one in charge.

note: this is not the way we are going to live forever. once my kids can learn respect and obedience in these small boundaries and listening to mom, we will have larger boundaries and be able to do "more normal" things. but only to the extent that my kids can handle it. if it's too much (and i know when it is... they don't listen, they get defiant, etc), we will just go back to simple. it will just take us a while because of cameron's RAD (6-12 months to heal they said), and for isaac and macey to heal from learning these behaviors and the stress of living with a child with RAD. mom was never in charge of the kids until 2 months ago. cameron has to learn to trust me. and in some ways, so do isaac and macey. that they are safe with me. it wouldn't feel safe for a 1 year old, 3 year old, and 5 year old to feel in "charge." and boy did they.

so glad i KNOW from the spirit that this is what i need to be doing. the first two weeks were the hardest. and we still have about half good days and half bad days... cameron goes through cycles. someone is usually defiant. and trust me, in moments like that, i doubt myself, doubt my therapist, doubt kasey and lauralee from new hope. doubt comes in and tries to get me to question. but i know deep down that this is what my family needs right now. and that with time, and god's help (because i can only do my best. i have to trust in him to make up the difference for the wounds we all have), we can heal. and i can only do what i can and what i feel is best. the rest has to be left up to him. i pray cameron can heal in this life. and that him and i can have a normal and healthy and loving relationship. we have seen much improvement in our home in the past 2 months. i can only imagine what it will be like 10 months from now.

i have done my best to explain this stuff. if anyone has questions or wants clarification, or to tell me i'm crazy and mean, feel free to comment or email me at tiffanydansie@gmail.com. i've dealt with a lot of criticism and i'm sure it's only just begun... used to get criticized for my out of control kids and not parenting correctly. well, now i'm getting it for being too harsh, strict, and not "letting my kids be kids." well i hope they will get to be kids one day. it's not like i want to be doing this stuff. some days, it breaks my heart. but i have to take my own emotion out of it for their sake. and they need to learn to respect their mom and be obedient. then we can move on to doing more "normal" things. but even then, they will be privileges based on behavior and attitudes. not "rights."

completely out of order

the pictures, that is. notice, this isn't my rad part III post. but i'll get to it, i swear. i just had tons of pictures to document from our 2 month trip to utah. and since one of my wishes is to get this blog printed into a book (since i've now had it for almost 4 years), i figured i'd better play catch up and post my stuff on here... so here goes... the last two months!!!

one of the first pictures i took where i actually saw the "light" in cameron's eyes and a REAL smile!!! that NEVER happened before we have been on this journey with new hope academy and "mr. max", our therapist.

one of the highlights of the two months i was there. getting together with two old roommates and their fiances. peter, casey (aka barbara), bruce, danielle (who, may i mention were totally dating when tyler and i were back in 2003. actually, danielle told me they were dating the semester BEFORE tyler and i started dating, which would have been fall 2002... they are finally tying the knot- like 8 years later- amazing huh!), me and tysome of my best roommates ever!
bear lake- van, isaac, and macey
mimi
at the park by my parents house in alpine. best buddies.
ignore my swollen belly... i loved her face in this picture though, if you can even see it with the great camera i have
my grandpa beckstrand and macey on our family night picnic at the park. while taking this picture, i might have gotten teary eyed, thinking, "this is one of those pictures i will one day treasure completely."cam and ty at the top of "badger mountain." the "biggest" mountain (or hill) in the tri cities.
isaac and his first visit to the dentist. yes, that is only the top of his chair that his body is on. his legs were propped up on a pillow. this was just last week here at home.
mimi's first real haircut with kevy in american fork.
another highlight from the trip... katie heninger and i at cheesecake factory. love her. been friends since junior year when my parents moved to idaho.
mimi and cam at my mom's
love his eyes. they have honestly never looked like this. so bright.
macey holding ethan, my sister heather's twin boy
cam and isaac holding ethan and sydney (heather's twins)
you'll be glad to know that macey is potty trained (with the exception of diapers on during naps and bedtime- with some accidents here and there) and we have been binki free for 4 days... she doesn't even ask for it! yay!
macey eating her popsicle in grandma beckstrand's backyard
great grandma beckstrand and the kids
showing great grandma their popsicles
love this one
that's our trip in a nutshell. lots of sitting around at grandma's, learning how to behave and listening to very basic directions from mom. when you spend 6 years parenting one way, it's going to take a lot of time for them to finally get the hint that i'm not going back to my old ways of letting them get away with not listening and not respecting me. i'll write more about those details in a later post.

My journey with RAD part II

WARNING. THIS IS LONG!!! and mostly my rambling thoughts...

I feel like a completely different person than I was two months ago. I walked into “New Hope Acadmeny” not knowing what to expect. Maybe half a day of advice on how to help Cameron. I came out that day depressed, crying, overwhelmed, emotional, etc. I was bawling. I felt like it was so extreme. So mean. I felt so bad for those kids in there. It wasn’t until I pulled my own emotions out of all of it to realize that these kids behaviors and attitudes were extreme. Kids that poop all over the place the smear it on walls, pee in air vents, spit, kick, yell, abuse any adult that tries to be in charge of them (mostly their moms). If these kids are so extreme, they needed to have extreme boundaries and rules. And until they could learn to be obedient and respectful in those tiny boundaries, they did not get any other privileges.

After Cameron started to give up his addiction for control and did what I asked him to do, stopped arguing so much, and started to be respectful, I didn’t think I would have to do anything with my other kids. But then it all started. Isaac and Macey refusing to do what I asked them to do. Things as simple as “Sit on this blanket and play with these blocks” would get a big “NO!” And if I reinforced what I wanted them to do and wouldn’t let them get away with doing what they wanted, I was getting hit, kicked, punched in the stomach, etc. I knew they had lived with and watched Cameron for way too long. They were going to try all the same tactics they same him use for years. And it was literally abuse. From a 1 and 3 year old. I remember having days when I would be crying, telling Tyler, “I am so sick of getting beat up by my own kids.” I don’t beat them. I hardly ever spank the kids! And here I was, getting hit, spit on, kicked, shoved, punched, if they didn’t get what they wanted (sometimes). If I chose to fight a battle they wanted to win, they would fight it. Fight me. Literally. Now, Cameron was way worse and more extreme than the other two when he used to do these things to me. Fortunately, he hasn’t done those things in a few weeks. That’s where “New Hope Academy” really sped things up for him. But the other two, I am still dealing with abuse. But it only takes them a few days after a change (coming back home, or going to Grandma’s) to quit the behavior. It doesn’t get them what they want, so they stop. Oh and Macey’s favorite is screaming. Screaming about everything and anything she wants. I’m all done with that too and it’s no longer acceptable in my home.

More than anything, I have learned that I am all done with the abuse I have endured from my children. Never before had I thought of the scripture that “their children shall rule over them” more than I have in the past month! My children literally ruled over me in the past. They told me what they were going to be doing, spending their time with, what kind of behaviors were going to be acceptable, how many stores I was going to shop at (because I didn’t want to deal with the behavior if they didn’t want to be at the store). I have realized how many mothers live like this too. For some reason, I had never realized how awful kids are these days. No respect for adults. None. Zero. (Well, most children that is). They are demanding, rude, feel entitled to have everything they want. And the saddest part is, no matter their behavior or how they are treated, most kids get what they want to an extent. Now I am talking mostly from experience. Regardless of how my kids behaved or treated me, I still felt this obligation to take them places. They got bored so easily. They wanted to be entertained. Sitting at home was not okay. They were hyper, active, demanded my attention constantly between the three of them. It was exhausting. I had nothing left to give at the end of the day. I didn’t want to be around them. I just wanted a menal break. A break from chaos. I just wanted peace and quiet. Little did I realize how much anxiety and stress I lived with from day to day. I rarely felt the Spirit. Rarely! I was always stressed in my heart and “heavy hearted” is what I call it. I was not happy. My husband came home to a cranky, overwhelmed, frustrated wife EVERY DAY for ALMOST 6 YEARS! I’m not sure how he dealt with it. But by the end of every day, I just wanted out. And putting my kids in bed wasn’t all dreamy with stories and me giving huge hugs and kisses. It was more like saying, “go to bed and don’t come out of your room” and shutting the door. I never realized how good life could really be until I decided my children were no longer in control of me. I have never lived with so much peace in my life until the past month. And I mean NEVER. I have felt more peace in my heart and love than I have over the past 6 years of being a mother, COMBINED! No joke! I have been more understanding, more compassionate, more loving, more kind. But I have not been a pushover anymore. I have rules and expectations and when they aren’t met, there are consequences. There are consequences to pretty much everything. If they make good choices, the consequence is good. If they don’t make a good choice, the consequence is not good. It’s as simple as that. And I am more than CONSISTENT for the first time ever. I am finally the Mom in my house. And my children are finally learning to be respectful of me. I never realized that kids literally do not feel safe without rules and boundaries. When they have control, they feel very unsafe and unhappy.

Now my kids have been testing me big time since we got home. Our first day home was filled with time outs and jumping jacks (more on that later). But they are only testing my consistency to see if our “old life” is back. I can assure you it is not! Cameron will not be playing with friends or having a friend over until he can earn that privilege. I am no longer putting up with abuse from my kids. Well, they can choose to act that way. But they are in time out for it most definitely. And they are learning like I am.

I have had several Mom’s ask me already, “Okay. What do they teach you at this school? HELP!” I will probably be doing a Part III post on this. But don’t tell me I didn’t warn you that this is tough. It is not an easy way to parent. But, it is so worth it! For my sanity, my relationship with my kids and my husband. It is hard and emotional and frustrating, very confronting. Especially if you have parented like I have for years and years, change is not going to come over night. And they will test you. And if you have really strong willed kids like mine, they will beat you up. Only because they are not getting their way. But I think of kids in our society and how much we lack respect, honor for adults, manners, etc. And I also think of the kind of adults they are growing up to be. Lazy, feel entitled to have everything their parents have and MORE, without earning it themselves. And I think of the adults that were raised with similar values that I am instilling in my children now. Respect, honor, hard work, accountability, etc. They are way harder workers as adults, respectful, honorable, honest, etc. (The last generation that really grew up like this was my parents). We have lost so much in our society and ultimately, I believe it will contribute GREATLY to the fall of our country. Really, it will be a main reason or THE reason our country will fail. So, if more people are interested in hearing what I do with my kids and what I have been taught and learned, I will gladly do a post on it. If not, I will just email the few friends that have asked. Either way, I am a much happier person and really, once my kids give up the control they seek, they are happier too. Cameron is a testimony of that. And my parents, husband, and “New Hope Academy” are all witnesses of that.

going home baby!

i left washington on july 2nd. i was supposed to go back home on july 25th. instead, tyler rented a car and drove home alone. but we have a plan and we will all be going back home together in a week and a half! yay!

i have spent enough time with cameron at "new hope" to understand how to deal with the behaviors and am feeling confident enough to go home and do everything alone. so, tyler will fly down to help me drive back home with the kids. part of me is still terrified to go home. no "new hope" to run to. no mom to help me out when she's around in the afternoons. but the other part of me is so excited to be back in my own home so we can begin this journey in our own surroundings.

this has been such a learning experience for me. never have i felt closer to cameron. and more importantly, i have never felt closer to my father in heaven. i feel such a peace in my heart most days that i never lived with before. i lived in constant stress, anxiety and mild depression. and i didn't even know it. it has been amazing to learn a new way of life with my children. now, it's just onto learning the new way of life with my husband and children. in the past 5 weeks, i have literally spent like 3 days with tyler. it will be awesome to be married again. and to have each other for support. yay for feeling good enough to go home. i just hope it's somewhat of a smooth transition for everyone!