coming up for air

i can't believe i've been home for a month. actually, i'm not even sure how long i have been home from our second trip to utah for help. but i am pretty sure it has been over a month. :)


we have had a lot of miracles since we have been home. i wish i would have written them down as they happened. i did find an email i sent to kasey about one miracle i watched happen. i want to have it documented for this journal.


cameron was working on some math today. he got two problems incorrect and freaked about it. started crying, getting mad that i told him they weren't correct. he blamed himself and said how stupid he was and how he always gets things wrong. when he tried to "boss" me about it, saying he knew they weren't incorrect, i said something like, "are you telling me that you are right, and the book is wrong?" he said, "no." i talked to him about how we don't have to be perfect, and it's okay to have to correct work. after he calmed down and corrected the simple errors, he said to me, "mom, when you said, 'are you telling me that you are right and the book is wrong?', "i felt kind of stupid." it felt so sincere from him! i pulled him in my arms and told him i was sorry and my intention was not to make him feel stupid. i told him i loved him and he was not stupid at all and that he didn't have to feel that way. he got big tears in his eyes and burst into tears. it was SO sincere! we hugged for a while and i told him everything was okay and told him how good it was to share feelings politely, rather than acting them out and getting so angry and letting it ruin his day.

a few minutes after, he went to eat lunch, and came back and asked if he could just go lay on his bed for a while. i asked if he needed a break, and he said, yes. he went in his room and laid in bed for a few minutes, came back out and came straight to me and gave me a hug. i was a little worried he was trying to manipulate. but when he asked a moment later to color a picture, i said i wanted him to do one more sheet of math... he said, "yes mom" and was happy to do it. i then tested him... i told him we were going to do the art activity after quiet time (he was a little upset earlier when i told him he might have to wait until after quiet time)... he said, "okay mom" and went on with his math!

what??!?!?! this was a miracle! the fact that he pulled himself out of his kind of "fit," and then ASKED to go to his room to rest... and then was willing to work on what i wanted him to when he came out! amazing!!!!!!! and we got some great bonding in there during all of it. so cute!!!!

just thought i'd share. i hope i did okay! i felt it was so sincere from him... he really was feeling sad and expressed that. LOVE IT!

now to some of you, this may seem ridiculous. but you have to understand that this was a HUGE step for cameron. normally, when he starts to have meltdowns about things, he goes into a screaming fit or rage, blaming me (which he did a little bit of, but he also blamed himself, which RARELY happens and is great for him), and i normally have to tell him he needs to go rest on his bed or lay on a blanket to relax. that usually (or used to) make him even MORE mad, and he'd scream and yell and freak out even more. then he would be mad for hours and sometimes days... where he couldn't snap out of his "funk" and wouldn't care about doing anything, wouldn't want to do anything he was asked to do, etc. so, the fact that HE asked to go to his room was AMAZING! he knew he was getting frustrated and rather than blowing, he knew he needed to just take a break and go be alone. SO GOOD!!!! 

we have had a few other miracles, like cameron getting sick! now most mom's wouldn't be excited about this. (and usually, i'm not excited about it either). but when cameron gets sick, i get EXCITED! kids with rad hardly EVER get sick. and if they do, it's like a tiny stuffy nose for a day. (at least for cameron). the rest of the house could be down and out, and he is still running around like a maniac (before we went to new hope, of course). but tyler brought a nasty chest cold home from work and cameron got it!!!! the ladies at new hope say that it's a great sign when they start to get sick. it means they are healing. they start to actually be somewhat in tune with their bodies to know they are sick and allow their body to be sick. cameron actually had a low-grade fever for 2 days! 2 days!!! i cannot even remember the last time cameron had a fever. maybe when he was about a year old with his 8th ear infection. honestly. that's probably the last time he had a fever! with this chest cough, he laid on the couch for a day and a half. that was a miracle!

we have also had some great, tender, bonding moments since we got home. i can't think of an specifics (dang it) but he has been so cute with me. lots of little things... kissing me randomly on the cheek or the hand, rubbing my arm, just little signs of affection that he NEVER did before, unless he wanted something to go his way. it's so weird to have him giving me random bits of affection, but i am LOVING it! it's so cute and so sincere!

so, in other news (we have had a lot going on here), we are moving. TO UTAH! i never thought i'd be excited to say that. but i am. the reason? two words for you. new hope.

when i was in utah, i had such a strong impression (several actually) that we needed to be in utah. cameron needed to be in new hope 2, i needed to become more involved at new hope, etc. we needed to get there. yeah, it sounded nice. but did i really think it was going to happen? i doubted it big time!

while i was in utah, i got onto tyler's company's website and looked up job openings, only to find an opening for an RTL (rehab team leader- which is what tyler does up here... basically, manages the rehab team at a nursing home), at a brand new facility in south jordan. a NON-NURSING HOME! just a short-term rehab center where patients come after being at a hospital, before they are ready to go home. i emailed the job listing to tyler and said something like, "i really feel like you should look into this." he felt he should to, and pursued it.

a few weeks later, he came down to pick me and the kids up in utah to help us drive back home, (don't i have an awesome man?) and he arranged to have an interview at the facility for the job. he had been told they couldn't make any promises and that they had a TON of applicants. his interview lasted 2 1/2 hours and two days later, we drove home to washington. we were SO anxious for several weeks, while we waited to hear back about the job. i was pretty optimistic about it (which is weird, because i tend to be a pessimist) but as the days passed, i grew more pessimistic and doubted tyler would be offered the job. but, about 2 weeks ago, his company called, with an offer for him, saying the facility (who is owned by a different company than tyler works for... his company is just contracted in to do their rehab for them), really wanted to hire him and was really impressed with him. bummer part is, we are taking a big pay cut. over 10%. huge bummer. utah is really easy for them to recruit to... pasco, washington on the other hand... super hard to recruit to! therefore, they pay way more in pasco than they do in utah. but we have felt all along that we would be moving and that we would be taking this job, regardless of the pay. so after some negotiations (their original offer was more like a 13% pay cut), we accepted and we are leaving in about 3 weeks. still no place to live. but we are going.


we have a lot of mixed emotions right now... at least i do. i am obviously bummed about taking a pay cut... and not sure how that is even going to work out. cost of living in the salt lake area is quite a bit more than the tri-cities, and we will be spending more in general on gas and going to and from new hope. but we really feel peace about our decision and know it is what is best. we feel like a whole new set of trials await us in utah. one of the biggest being, friends and family. it has actually been quite nice to be here, secluded in pasco, where we can live our life and not many people question us about the why's, how's and when's of what we do with cameron. it's quite complicated stuff, and very hard to understand. especially if you have any sort of "attachment" to cameron. so we will be dealing with that square in the face. if cameron is going to heal, he cannot be around anyone that will let him manipulate in any way, shape, or form (especially at first). it is me (his mom) that he is trying to build trust with. so if anyone gives him ANYTHING that his mom won't normally give him OR they don't ask me first, he literally believes he is manipulating them to get it. i have been pretty stressed about being around family members because to cameron, the smallest thing is manipulating for him. like, getting a hug from someone. cameron knows that right now, it's best for mom and dad to be in charge of affection (one of his biggest ways to manipulate). so, if he see's a grandma or aunt and they come and give him a hug, deep inside, he thinks he just controlled them into giving him a hug with his charm. i know, it sounds insane. i didn't believe it either. until i saw him using affection with others day in and day out to push me away, hurt my feelings, win over others. he loves to "engage" people... if he can get you to give him any sort of attention (if he looks over at you and smiles and you come over and talk to him), in his mind, he manipulated that. so, i know how ridiculous that sounds... so let me illustrate a conversation i had with cameron a few days ago...


cameron was in a really good place. he wasn't being manipulative, he was happy. so i decided to try something... i asked him what manipulating means. he gave me a response that was something like this:


"when i ask someone for something that my mom doesn't know about or without asking her first."


hmmmm...


my next question, "who let's you manipulate?"


he then listed off just about every person's name in our extended family. aunts, uncles, grandma's, grandpa's, etc. he even gave EXAMPLES as to when he had manipulated them. i asked him if kasey and lauralee let him manipulate. his response? 


"no."


i just kind of sat there and listened (thinking inside, "oh my word") and then casually changed the subject. 


so do you see how unhealthy that is for him? if he has an addiction to controlling others and situations around him, it wouldn't be healthy for him to be around people on a regular basis that allow any sort of control. now, as a grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, whoever, it is very hard. you have to give up what you want to do. you have to give up what makes sense (because you just need to love them more if they have problems, right?) wrong. not for rad. you have to give up what you want, for what is best for the child. it plain stinks sometimes. but the miracles we have witnessed in doing this at home has been well worth the trial. cameron is in the process of attaching to me as his mother. this single relationship between a child and his mother will affect ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE! if the child cannot trust the mother, he will trust no one. so we are trying to help him from the beginning, most basic relationship, so that he can have healthy relationships in the future. the road to getting there is not an easy one though. not at all.


okay, i'm rambling. 


on another note (so i can ramble some more), this new hope 2 thing is tough for me. very humbling actually. it's not nearly as "black and white" as new hope 1 was. consequences for everything. very basic. it was my comfort zone. i got the the point where i felt like, "wow. i am a completely different mom. i feel like i am calm, collected, so nice to my kids all the time, never raise my voice." i loved it. well, new hope 2 brings on some stress. some, not so black and white, and "real life" mixed in. me and stress don't do so well together. so i am making mistakes, i have raised my voice, i am not perfect. i have been frustrated way more than i was before. but like kasey told me, perfect is not healthy and doesn't work. so it is so good for me to be getting bits and pieces of real life back in, so i can learn to deal with all of it. (remember how i told you, this journey is just as much for me as it is cameron. actually, it's more for me than him). so, no one has been quite as settled since we got home... and neither have i. the stress and unknowns of moving, packing, going to rad camp in a few weeks (and then leaving two days later to move to utah), sick kids, etc., has been so tough for me to remain "centered," calm, etc. but it's real life, right? if i have everything perfect and calm and quiet all of the time, how on earth would my kids ever learn how to deal with life when they get outside of the home? we all have to learn how to cope with it and adjust to different circumstances. 


okay. i'm done i think. but my next goal is to write down my story. i'm talking details. everything i can remember. what things contributed to cameron having rad, what life was like with cameron as a baby, toddler, etc.... for those people who may be concerned their child doesn't have a healthy attachment... things to watch for. because these kids get worse with age. and they don't "grow out of it" like other kids do. i want to document everything i can remember about life before we found help. i'll even post stories on here that are on my family blog about getting kicked out of stores, yelled at, lectured by people about how to discipline cameron. (those are fun). :)


sorry this post wasn't put together well. i just haven't been on top of the blog but wanted to write about several things. so wish me luck the next few weeks... packing and moving my family's and my life down to utah for our next adventure!

Scenes from New Hope

I was lucky enough to go to dinner with these ladies a few nights ago. It was so much fun and the food was awesome. I forgot to take pictures that night, so we took some the next afternoon (yesterday) after all of the kids had left the center.

These are the ladies from New Hope that helped to show me a new way of life. Truly, a new hope. :)

Kasey and LauraLee with me and my sister, Heather

Adding the kids in. Kasey (holding Heather's twin boy Ethan), LauraLee with her baby Caden, me with Avery, Heather with her twin girl, Sydney

Isaac and I playing a game

Interactive play with polly dolls

Free, creative play on the chalkboard

More from yesterday

I told them it was about time I had a picture of them for my blog journal. :)

Thank you again... for everything!

Long Overdue

I have been trying to write this post for 3 days now... I have been so busy at New Hope every day, that I haven't had a chance. So much has been going on and I am long overdue for a post about my RAD journey. We finished our second week at New Hope 2 with me being in charge of the four kids that attend New Hope 2 this past Friday. It was a good but tough experience for me. I enjoyed working downstairs for the day and being on my own. The hardest part has been having Avery attached to my hip (and let's be honest, my chest). She is so used to being at home, in bed, for 3 naps per day, and at pretty much the same time each day. So she isn't too happy to be sleeping in her car seat, with things going on around her. She is a light sleeper (because it's always quiet when she's sleeping). I spent yesterday in charge of New Hope 2 kids again. It was definitely easier than my first time. Cameron continues to do well in New Hope 2 and I have learned a lot about how to help him progress into the next stage of his healing.

My other two kids have spent most of their time with my in laws. The first weekend we were here, Isaac went to St. George with cousins and Macey came to my parents to be with me. It was not fun. She was pretty sassy and awful to me... refusing to do what I asked, yelling at me, hitting me, screaming fits. Not fun. The next weekend, both Isaac and Macey came back to spend a few days with me at my parents. It was nothing short of a nightmare and brought me back to how I lived the first 5 1/2 years of motherhood. They were screaming, yelling, hitting, refusing to do what I asked them to do, disrespectful, disobedient. It was awful. I was irritated beyond belief. They wouldn't stay in bed, wouldn't be quiet, etc. I was so NOT patient and calm like I usually am. Part of the problem was the small space we were sharing... Cameron, Isaac, Macey, and I, all sharing one room. Not too fun for bed time. It has also been tough staying with my parents (who have moved to a smaller home) and my grandparents, who live in the upstairs of the home. So I get super stressed about my kids behavior and bothering other people. So needless to say, I have been stressed, and my kids definitely feed off of that. I was a stress case this past weekend. Thank goodness my parents and grandparents are pretty supportive and don't get too annoyed by the behaviors we are trying to get rid of.

Cameron's teacher knew how stressed I was and how naughty my two younger kids were... she called me on Sunday and suggested Isaac come in to New Hope this week. (Yes. She is an angel, calling me on a Sunday afternoon while she was on vacation and happened to see my Facebook status that I was exhausted). She even offered (well, demanded :) ) for me to go to her home with my kids to have some space for a few hours, before she came home. (Yep. She is heaven-sent).

It is interesting... I planned to be here about 2 weeks. (But my gut told me I'd be here for more like 3 weeks from the very beginning). I wanted to go home the weekend before last. But for some reason, I just didn't feel right about it. I didn't know why. But I just felt like it wasn't the right time. Well, now I know why. Isaac came in for the first time on Monday. He screamed, yelled, hit, kicked, and even tried to bite one of the teacher's twice. (They expect kids to follow instructions here pretty exactly... he didn't want to. Something as simple as, coloring a picture, but facing away from the other kids so he didn't distract them from their work, sitting quietly facing the wall for 4 minutes when he wasn't listening, etc).  He was just not willing to do. For 2 days, he wanted to boss and be in charge and tell the adults what to do. It's great practice for school in another year and a half. He was horrendous two days in a row, and we were all surprised by how long he put up a fight. He learned a lot from living with Cameron for 3 1/2 years before we got help. He had a lot of anger inside that he needed to release. After the two days of awful behavior, he mellowed and has been so much happier since.

No. Isaac does not have RAD. Thanks goodness! The difference between him and Cameron??? When we came to New Hope last summer, Cameron had much more rage and hatred behind his need to control. His went way deeper, was more conniving, had a sort of "evil" feeling and great fear behind his need to control. Isaac's is more of just a "I have to do this because I have watched it for so long, so this is what I am supposed to do when I am mad and want attention" feeling behind it. But he has had some serious anger here with me.

On Isaac's second day here, as I was trying to get him to calm down, I lost it. After 40 minutes of waiting for him to hold still and be quiet with his mouth for 10 seconds, I just started to cry. LauraLee had me reading scriptures out loud to help calm him. He was winding down and completely exhausted from the fight he was putting up for so long. I couldn't believe how hard he was fighting. It made me really sad and brought back a lot of feelings from last summer when Cameron first started here. Not fun. Isaac eventually fell asleep from exhaustion, listening to LauraLee read from the Book of Mormon. He certainly had a lot of anger that has built up. It's a good thing we worked on getting a lot of it out now, rather than later.

We have also discovered that Isaac has an intolerance to dairy and gluten. I have always known he doesn't do well with milk. He has always had digestive issues... since birth. His intolerance to gluten could be a contributing factor to his behavior and moodiness. If he doesn't feel well most of the time, it could be playing a part in some of the behavior he has. So we started him on a gluten-free diet a few days ago. :)

I am going home on Saturday. I feel total peace with it, although I am sad. I am so anxious to get home to Tyler and be in our own house again.... I do much better when it's my own space and not interfering with other people and their space. But I am also sad to be without New Hope again. It is so refreshing to be with people that know how to deal with the behaviors my kids have and know how to help them.  Not only do I learn from them, but I get a break from having to do it all on my own. It's an amazing thing. Thank you Kasey and LauraLee for letting me come back!

When I first came last summer, I thought, "Okay, sweet. We have all we need and now I'm all done with learning." I had no idea how much more there is to learn and what a journey this truly is. I kind of felt like a failure at first, needing to come back here for more help. But I wanted to... and when Kasey suggested it, I had the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. The moment I decided to come, I literally felt lighter. I knew it was the the right choice. Not just the right choice, but the best choice! I had the same weight lifted when I decided to stay an extra week, even though I wanted to go home. I felt the very same weight lifted when Kasey called me on Sunday, when my kids were being so awful and suggested that I bring Isaac in. Part of me was sad... I was about to bring him back to my in laws and was looking forward to a break from him and how terrible he had been treating me. But I knew deep down inside that I needed to bring him. This was the reason I was supposed to stay in Utah an extra week. Isaac needed to go to New Hope. As soon as I decided it, I felt a huge weight lifted again. Amazing how that works.

I am so blessed to have been able to spend another few weeks here at New Hope. I am so grateful to have found this support system here, with wonderful people at the head of it. There really isn't anything better than the overwhelming feeling of being truly blessed and unbelievably thankful to my Father in Heaven. It's the peace I had been looking for, for so long... but couldn't find on my own. So blessed!

New Hope 2

Cameron is doing well. He is in the "New Hope 2" program that they just started about a month ago here.

"New Hope 1" is very structured and tight. They work with the kids to teach them to understand boundaries, to let go of their anger and to trust adults. It is what we have been doing for the past 8 1/2 months.

At "New Hope 2," they still have the same expectations of respect and obedience. But they have more freedom. It's not quite as structured and strict... more like a classroom setting. So they start to open up the boundaries a little bit for them... as much as they can handle it and still be obedient and respectful. They get to do some activities together as a group and start to interact with other children. They are taught how to interact appropriately. Remember, this is a relationship disorder... they do not know how to be socially appropriate with other people without feeling that need to "control" them. It's more of a transitional place to help them prepare to go to public school, have friends over, go to a friend's house, etc.

Cameron is much softer this time around. He isn't fighting for the control frantically like he was here at New Hope last summer. He isn't angry and doesn't freak when they correct him on behaviors or work he does. He actually told me this morning that he liked Kasey. WHAT?

He has been experiencing a lot of anxiety here though. I think he is struggling with handling the differences between how I run our house, how New Hope 1 is run (which is upstairs here at New Hope), and how New Hope 2 is run (which is downstairs here at New Hope). He wants to do everything perfectly and panics that he isn't doing it "correctly" or "perfectly." But he is learning to relax and settle inside. He is handling simple school work, group activities, and corrections pretty well. I have gotten feedback from his teachers that I have done great with him at home and that he is healing. YAY!

Keep in mind, this is a LONG process. Just because Cameron has a good day, or a good week, doesn't mean he is better. It is a long, difficult, and painful journey for him and us, as his parents. It is a roller coaster and marathon. It is very "up and down" for him. I always think it's funny when people say, "I hope he gets better sooner versus later." It's a marathon. Not a sprint. And I did say the same thing at first. I just wanted him better. I wanted this process to be 6-12 months like the therapist told us. But it hasn't been. And it won't be. It's not like we magically hit the 6 month, 1 year, 2 year, or 4 year mark and BOOM, he is better. It takes as long as it needs to take, and I have accepted that now. And he will probably struggle with some things for the rest of his life.

But he is doing so well here, and I am doing so well. It really make me want to move to Utah. I love the feeling here at New Hope. It is so calm and peaceful. I love working with the other kids too. I still have some learning to do, but I love it here. I have been bringing Avery with me almost every day. I need to be here. I want to be here. Someday. :)

I used to think I wanted to be a Personal Trainer. I thought that was my passion and love in life. Teaching other people how to exercise and eat well and get into shape. I still love this and would love to do it one day. But I am starting to realize that my other passion is going to be helping other people who have children with RAD and other behavior issues. I would love to live down here and spend time at the school helping. Like I said.... someday!

PEACE

I am renewed!!! I don't even know where to start...

Cameron was mad when we got to New Hope this morning. He was not happy. He played lots of tricks and games... control games. Like when Kasey asked him to hang up his coat, twice. He wouldn't do it. He took it off eventually... and threw it on the floor. Not acceptable at New Hope. He didn't hang it up all day.  They asked him to jump on the mini trampoline. He wouldn't jump. He laid on his back and bounced, with his hands and feet straight up in the air. He refused for a few hours.

He wrote a page of feelings... of hate... for Kasey. "I hate you. You are the meanest, ugliest, selfishest, rudest person ever. I hate all the women here." He wasn't happy. But it didn't come with the evil that used to accompany these feelings. He used to have true "hate" for these people. But it didn't feel that way today. It felt like he just didn't care to do what they asked him to. He was just stuck in a "blah" place more than anything else. They told me I've done good work with him over the past 6 months of being home. YAY! This hasn't all been for nothing. They can see big improvements in Cameron. YAY!

I was thrilled to be at New Hope. Now that I am over the "beginning stages" of learning about RAD and about Cameron, it wasn't overwhelming or emotional for me at all. It was amazing. I loved it. I wanted to stay and help. And I did for the morning. It was awesome. I liked watching the other kids get a feel for me, and try their tricks with me. Ha Ha. I know their tricks. I am a RAD mom! They weren't happy when I called them on their control games.

Then I decided to take the afternoon to just relax. I went to lunch with one of the other "RAD moms." That was MORE than enjoyable. To talk to someone that goes through exactly what I do was awesome. We both understood each other and have experienced many of the same things with our sons. I enjoyed her company more than she knew!

I can't wait for tomorrow! This has been so needed for me and for Cameron! I should have been here a month ago. As tough as this journey is, I find myself more and more grateful for it as time goes by. Like I said in my last post... this journey was tailored specifically for me... exactly the way I needed it.

Round 2

I kind of feel like I am starting over... even though I'm not.

Cameron has been in a downward spiral over the past few months. I felt like I couldn't stop him. I was trying. We were doing the same things we have always done. When he is in a good place, he is okay with it. But, he was starting to whine, complain, argue more and more and more. He started throwing fits, tantrums, freak outs. I tried pushing him into a rage a few times... to get it out... hoping that after the rage, he would be the that little boy again... okay with me being his Mom and being in charge of him. But he didn't rage and he didn't come out of it. Days went by and he was getting nasty. He lost all privileges of playing with siblings. I tried taking all of that control away again. It didn't work.

Last Thursday, I went to the temple for my weekly dose of heaven. On my way home, Tyler texted me and said Cameron had run away and was out on the main road outside of our neighborhood. My heart dropped and I immediately got in contact with his teachers from Utah. I think I knew deep down inside that we needed to take a trip to Salt Lake. I was tired. Cameron had been awful to me the past few weeks especially... saying horrible things, rude, angry, etc. I couldn't help him snap out of it. He just didn't care. He was to the point that he refused jumping jacks for several hours, and laid on a blanket instead. He refused to do jumping jacks the way he is supposed to (pretty dang close to perfect jumping jacks). He laid on a blanket off and on for days... doing quiet activities (puzzles, reading a book) until he was ready to do, what we call, A+ jumping jacks. After three days of this, I knew he wasn't going to come out with me around. I knew we needed a third party involved.

We left the following morning to drive to Salt Lake (yesterday). We packed up after the kids were asleep. I am prepared to stay longer than I think I am (since last time, I planned to be gone 3 weeks and was gone for 2 months). The funny thing was, after I had decided that I was FOR SURE going to Utah, Cameron started being kinda good... caring a little bit more... his jumping jacks were pretty good... WHAT? I hadn't said a word to him! Not one! He had no clue anything was going on. Why was he suddenly snapping out of it? Should I just stay home? Ha. I knew better than that. I knew this was Satan's way of convincing me that everything was going to be okay. He was going to get better on his own. I could just stay in the comfort of my own home. I didn't need to haul my four little kids to Utah. I didn't need to be separated from Tyler for several weeks AGAIN. But I knew better and I carried on and packed up my life to bring to Utah.

We have run into obstacles along the way. The drive down actually went great, but this morning... not so much. I think Avery has an ear infection. I think the pressure from her ears from driving through the mountains and everything yesterday was never relieved and that it turned into an infection. (That has happened to me before as an adult). She spent the entire morning screaming. No one could soothe her. She was miserable. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I even tried pumping and giving her a bottle. She screamed in pain. I tugged on her left ear... nothing. I tugged on her right ear... she winced and began to scream again. Dang it. Tyler ran to the store for some pain reliever for her and a homeopathic that I use for ear infections that is AMAZING. I finally got her to go to sleep and she is resting now. I had a very distinct impression that Satan does not want me here. He does not want me near New Hope. He does not want Cameron to get help. He does not want me to be educated on my son's needs. He wants this to destroy my family. Avery screaming all morning was supposed to be to tempt me to get in the car with Tyler, turn around, and drive back home. But I did not. I would not. I have to be here, as hard as it is.

Tyler left about an hour ago to make the drive back home to Washington in a borrowed car. Seriously? We are doing this again? I was emotional, to say the least. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so alone and so overwhelmed, even with all the family I have here. I still feel alone. It's hard for people to understand. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of having three other children to care for and meet needs for, all while providing the kind of environment Cameron needs, out of the comfort of our own home. I am stressed because Avery doesn't feel well.... and she is a very scheduled baby. I have her down for three naps per day, precisely when she gets tired.... before she gets overtired. If I miss her cues, and she gets overtired, she does not settle or rest well. She cries a lot when she is overtired and I haven't gotten her in bed on time. I am stressed because I breastfeed her... and I am the only one that can do that... on her time table... not mine!

I am overwhelmed, but know, without a doubt, that I am supposed to be here right now. I would not have come if I didn't feel a great amount of peace at my decision. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the second I decided I was coming to Utah on Friday afternoon. I knew I had to. I literally felt lighter.

Now I have to humble myself and ask for help. Am I the only one that struggles so much to ask for help, even from my own families? I feel like a failure if I can't do it on my own, without help. I feel like a loser Mom, that can't take care of her own kids. But I know what I need to do.

I plan to be here 2 weeks (is what my gut tells me)... but I am open to being here as long as I need to be... here is to Round 2... to re-charge, re-fuel, and re-learn. And for my little Cameron, to realize that the life he has at home isn't so bad... and that he is loved and will be taken care of. This is a painful journey. But I had a very good friend tell me that healing is painful... for anyone... even adults. This is painful for Cameron. For me. For Tyler. But I know, in the end, the pain will have been MORE than worth it!

This is a marathon journey toward healing... no where near the "sprint" I had hoped for, and wanted it to be. This journey is not just about Cameron and his struggles. It is just as much my own personal journey... a pretty amazing, hand-crafted one from above... specifically for me. And I am so grateful for it!!

grateful

i have days fairly often where i am just filled with gratitude. i feel peace and comfort pretty much every day. but this overwhelming gratitude is different. it's beyond the peace i feel each day. and i love days where i am filled with this gratitude. today happens to be one of those days.

if you don't want to read a journal entry, stop now. i'm going into a lot of detail about some stuff, and it's going to be long. :)

my two younger kids have been sick. and i mean, really sick. i have never in my life, had a stomach bug this bad or watched another person be so ill. it was really sad. and i have some major anxiety when it comes to throwing up. i think i know where it comes from. an experience as a young teenager...

from the moment my parents announced we would be moving from south florida to bloomfield hills, michigan, i was sick every night and had major trouble falling asleep. i remember how real my stomach hurting was. every. single. night. my stomach felt like i needed to throw up. i don't remember ever actually throwing up. but it happened each night. i would get anxious because it was almost bedtime, and i knew that feeling was coming back. and it did. every night. my mom bought me some mylanta. for a sour stomach. it helped. i took that stuff for years. and i'm not talking sometimes. i'm talking every. single. night. if we went out of town, i brought my mylanta with me. we had it stocked in the house. stocked at our cabin in island park. we had it everywhere. my stomach issues lasted several years i think. but i finally grew out of it once i made friends in michigan and settled there.

this is the only thing i can think of where my anxiety with throwing up would come from. if anyone is sick or has been sick with a stomach bug, i stay as far away as possible. not just for a few days. at least a week after their symptoms are gone. i stay away. i even don't like bringing my kids to nursery in the winter time because of stomach bugs. i get paranoid. it's weird though... when we occasionally have this kind of bug going around at our house, i always think, "why am i so anxious about this? it's not that big of a deal." i have even thought that while leaning over the toilet myself. "this isn't that bad. why do i freak out about it?" i even will drink a coke or sprite to help calm my nerves... (no. no one has taken over this blog. i really just wrote that. if you know me, you KNOW, i do not drink soda. but i do. rarely. if i have a stomach bug of anxiousness about a stomach bug, it helps settle me for some reason). and yes, it helps. i stop eating for a few days... i basically treat myself like i have the bug, even if it's my kids that have it. i know. very weird. very strange. and yes, i'm pretty sure i need therapy. i know it's not normal. and it does interfere with my quality of life. :)

so back to why i am so grateful. (i wanted to document that experience from my childhood though and why i am so weird about puking). my husband is well aware of how much anxiety i have about throwing up. so when our kids started coming in our room every 10 minutes around 9:30 at night, i started to freak out a little. he said, "why don't you go sleep in bed. i'll sit out in the hallway all night and read my book and help them." of course, i didn't sleep. my stomach hurt. it was empty, which i wasn't sure if i was sick too, or if it was because i hadn't had my nightly snack that i always need while breastfeeding. but i was too scared to eat that snack. so i didn't. i tossed and turned and tossed and turned. i got up a few times to help tyler and the kids. and by 2 AM, i grabbed a coke out of the garage and brought a blanket and pillow in the hallway to help too. the kids eventually joined us and we all rested (haha. in between the throwing up and cleaning up) in the hallway all night.

does my husband rock or what? he stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG and was willing to do all of the work so i could rest. he even took the following day off so he could continue to help. yes, they were still throwing up for the entire day the next day. (not as often, but still). i am beyond grateful for him today. one of my love languages is acts of service. that is one of the ways i feel very loved. so for tyler to stay up all night with me and help screamed to me how much he loved me. for tyler to stay up all night is saying A LOT. he struggles waking up in the night. i would say i am up with kids in the middle of the night 99% of the time. so this was huge for him.

i am also feeling immense gratitude for this process i am going through. i am so grateful for all i have learned. for the peace i feel in my life. i love that the feeling in my home is so similar to the feeling of the temple. i don't say that in a prideful way at all. i just felt everything except peace before i started this journey. and now, i feel so much peace in my home and in my heart. i love it. i welcome it. i thrive in it.

sometimes when people find out what my life is like, they feel bad for me. i have days when i feel bad for me too. but in all honesty... i would not change a thing. yes, cameron has been a tough kid for me. he is hard. always has been. we have struggles. but given the chance to do it all over again, i would do it the same. (except maybe i would have gotten help sooner). i wouldn't trade cameron for the way he is. through him, i have been taught so much. through his disorder, i have been taught on a level i never thought possible. i feel like i'm learning at a pace that is way faster than i would otherwise have learned. god gave me this challenge to help me grow and become the woman i am meant to become. boy is it working! and fast! he knew this journey would take me where i needed to go. for that, i am so thankful. some days, it is HARD. some days, i feel bad for me. and i desperately want out! i want to go back to a normal and fun life. but most days, i am just grateful. grateful to be where i am. grateful for this journey. grateful for my cameron. my husband. my friends at new hope that have taught me everything i know. grateful for the spirit that guides me daily, if i am in a place to hear it, listen to it, and follow it.

i'm beyond grateful today.