CAMP REVOLUTION

so i'm going to try and make this post quick but informative...

we need your help! my little family of 6 has decided to attend CAMP REVOLUTION this summer. it's a camp that is specifically designed for families that have children that suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder (which my oldest son does). however, the price tag is quite large. (several thousand dollars). we really feel we need to continue to be educated and get help for cameron. we have been told by the ladies at new hope that these camps are amazing and life changing.

we took a leap of faith, and signed up, and put our deposit down, even though we really don't know how the money thing will work out.

we are asking for your help.

there are two ways you can donate:

1. PAYPAL

we've created a donations link on the right-side of our blog (my rad blog and family blog) through paypal. (it's labeled DONATE). keep in mind, there is a fee that one of us has to pay if you donate through paypal. you can choose to pay that fee, or have it come out of my paypal account (your donation amount). also, it will not be an anonymous donation if you use paypal. i will be able to see in my paypal account who has donated money and how much they donated.

2. SEND A CHECK TO PAM (the woman in charge of our camp)

pam will keep this information anonymous. we will be unaware of who sent money and how much. we will only know the "balance" of our account that we owe for camp revolution. so if you, or someone you know would like to donate, but would like it to be anonymous (or you just don't want to use paypal), here is the address where you can send your donation.

OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits, Inc.

c/o Camp Revolution

3607 Solokar Road #1

Loon Lake, WA 99148

please make your checks payable to: OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits

when your donation is received, pam will take that money out of the balance our family owes.

just put our family name on your check somewhere to let them know it is for the dansie family.

we have to have our balance paid off by may 1st.

we know many of you aren't able to donate. we understand and don't expect it. but we thought we would do the uncomfortable, and ask for help. we truly appreciate those who are willing and able to help us continue to give cameron opportunities to heal through donating to this cause.

thank you so much for your help!

a fantastic week... for me

it's been one of those weeks... in a good way!

the funniest part is, it was a really rough week for cameron. he's been very back and forth. and then had two really bad days in a row. the difference was, i let myself still have great days. i didn't get emotionally caught up with his choices and behaviors. i wasn't irritated, frustrated, annoyed, in the LEAST! the fact that he was raging, yelling, screaming, kicking, whining, crying, throwing tantrums, doing terribly pathetic jumping jacks, not saying "yes mom" or "no mom," which is an expectation of respect in our house (for him especially). i just let it all roll off my back, gave him consequences, and zero privileges, and made sure to "fill up" with affection and playing with my other kids. i just let cameron make his choices, held my expectations super high of him, and let him choose. and after two days, he was HAPPY! the happiest i've seen him in months!

really... i would go to him when he was doing jumping jacks to tell me he had a "need," and almost every time, he had a little smile on his face. my jaw dropped i think. he has NEVER had a smile on his face (a sincere child-like one), while doing jumping jacks. he knew he was doing excellent jumping jacks like i expected him to. i had to hold myself back from jumping for joy, kissing him all over, being so excited for him. i knew that would send him right back down the tunnel of hell that he came from. so i said things like, "i notice you have decided to do good jumping jacks today cameron." and "is that a smile on your face?" i said to him, "you have been smiling a lot today." he looked at me, smiled, and said, "i know. i don't know why!"

it lasted... for most of the day.... i played a game of memory with him which he handled great. then we spent a few minutes just talking with avery and looking at her with all the kids. i could see him starting to get that look back in his eyes. and i was sad for him. we attempted a memory game with me and all the kids. it ended early. he started to go down his spiral... it's the end of the day though. we will see where he is tomorrow. maybe angry again. who knows. but i saw him! the real cameron today! and i was thrilled. but if he decides to be the angry, guarded cameron tomorrow... let it be. i'm still going to have a great weekend!

i had so many moments this week of awe. awe of how much i love my life now. how grateful i am for four beautiful children. and one especially that is "my refiner" as kasey calls these radishes. he truly is in my life to teach me... through some interesting ways. but i have been so grateful this week for this trial i have with cameron. grateful for all i am learning. grateful for the love i have developed for him. grateful for the things i have learned and the way i run my house now...

you know, it's interesting. i always wanted to raise my kids like this. i always wanted to turn the tv off. i never wanted my kids to watch much tv or movies. never wanted them to play video games. i wanted to play games together. to have children that were respectful and listened the first time they were asked. to love my children and be filled with that pure love of christ when i look at them. to have a home full of peace and love. to feel the spirit daily. to have 95% of my days be good and uplifting (100% would be nice, but comon)! until these last 6 months, my house and life was pretty much the opposite of all of this. i was even letting the way my children ate go down the drain. i'm a health fanatic, and at one point, last winter, we were going to the mcdonalds playground once per week. now some people might do that, and that's fine. but if you know me, you KNOW that is NOT ME! but i was beyond losing it. i was gone. i was as out of control as cameron. i had no authority, no peace, not much love, and just chaos. and then i got pregnant. and i was not happy. (and that is an understatement). that sounds awful, but i was. how in the world was i going to do all of this WITH ANOTHER ONE!!! i am beyond grateful to my heavenly father for the tender mercy he sent me of learning the things i have learned BEFORE i had avery. i had a really good handle on things before she arrived. for that, i am thankful every day.

i now live the life that i always wanted. peace, love, calm, uplifting. bottom line... i cannot be happier with the way my life is right now.

whew

where has the time gone? in so many ways, times flies by for me. but in so many ways, it crawls!

so how has my RADish been? up and down. up and down. up and down. the key is for me to not go up and down with him.

the holidays sucked. they got way worse when we put up our christmas tree. we had sacrificed EVERYTHING over the holidays. no halloween. (not that i minded. i hate the holiday. i'm not even sure why they call it a holiday). thanksgiving couldn't really be anxiety and stress free. i had a baby. (a really cute one too). we had tyler's mom here for a week and my mom here. we didn't do anything different. we did the same stuff with cameron. we kept it as simple as possible with a new baby in the house and people visiting. kept our outings few and far between and short-lived. 2 weeks before christmas, we got a small tree. i decorated it very simply by myself. not long after we put it up, cameron really started digressing. he started being really mouthy, disrespectful, rude, just mean. and really mad. mad over the fact that he wasn't in charge. he started pushing boundaries even more. i knew it was because we put the tree up. he could feel my stress about his choices lately too. i just wanted the holidays to be over so we could get him back on track! we kept presents simple too. one puzzle, one book for each child. a dollhouse to share. they opened a pair of jammies christmas eve. that's it. no big, loud, obnoxious toys. nothing too overstimulating. but i was wrong... it was too overstimulating.

we took the tree down christmas night. i was so ready to get things back to normal so cameron could settle down and pull out of his fight for survival and control. the funny thing is, he did! he was so much different the next day.

but we took a step back a few days ago. yesterday was the worst day he has had in a while. i noticed that recently, he hasn't been saying, "yes mom" like he is supposed to, has been more talkative (his talking that is for control over situations, to be the center of everything). it just wasn't feeling good to me. so i decided to go back to square one yesterday. pull all of his control away. and he freaked. i was shocked he didn't rage. but he was mad. really mad. i didn't let him have any choices. i made him do jumping jacks every time he didn't say, "yes mom." or "no mom," instead of "yeah." or "ok." i brought my standards back up super high (i should have never let them drop. somehow with a new baby, christmas, i wasn't as calm inside, and i didn't even really notice that i wasn't expecting as much out of him). i think this is what caused his spiral downfall that i was starting to notice. he wasn't settled during the holidays. but once that tree went up, he started downward (was good for a week or so afterwards), and then started falling even more. so once i tightened those boundaries on him big time, he was mad at me. oh well!

i've been talking with the girls at new hope a lot recently. with some of the things i was noticing about cameron. his food stuff... saving food if he really liked it for the next day (as if he's afraid it's never coming back), asking for more food, etc. (sounds normal, but again, he does this all in need for "control"). we also have some good consequences for his bathroom issues. after his clogging the toilet wasn't working for control anymore, he started waiting until the last minute to go to the bathroom (pee). he has always done this to an extent. but i noticed he was waiting until the last minute. BIG TIME. to the point that by the time he'd do his jumping jacks to ask to use the bathroom, and got into the bathroom, he was peeing everywhere. all over my shower curtain, twice. well, when he does that, he gets to do wash. so he was washing my entire shower curtain and his clothes. it took him a long time. like we're talking a few hours. to wring out a shower curtain until it's not dripping? and SEVERAL times. not just once. so after that happened a few times, and he wasn't quitting the behavior of waiting so long to pee, i asked lauralee what to do. she said to have him take toilet time every hour. where he has to go sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every hour. she said to tell him, "i can tell you have a need to practice going to the bathroom. i can give that to you." so i set the timer (we set timers like CRAZY in this house), and he sits there for 10 minutes. after the second time, i found what i KNEW he would do... opened the door to check on him... his pants were down and he was standing in front of the mirror. i said, "oh, i can see you need more practice with sitting." and i gave him a 30 minute session in the bathroom instead of the normal 10. all because he wanted to do it "his way" and not the way i asked him to do it. i have to make the consequence worse than his need and want to "control" (even in small things like trying to trick me by standing in front of the mirror while in "toilet time" instead of sitting on the toilet like i asked him to). it's working though. he doesn't get the chance to wait until the last minute to pee because he gets a chance to go every hour! lauralee is a genius!

he lied to me too... about needing toilet paper. said he pooped (remember i take the toilet paper out and he only gets a certain amount). yeah, he told me he had pooped. he didn't. but he did have poop that needed to be cleaned up on him. i made him "pay" for the toilet paper. he owed me jumping jacks. and he owed me more jumping jacks for lying.

i have to be SO SPECIFIC with cameron. i can't leave ANY gray area or he sees it as "open to manipulate." it's so annoying. but we're trying to help him heal from this.

some days, i feel like this is going to be my life forever. watching my son's every move. bringing him with me everywhere. i feel like he's never going to heal. i miss having someone to "watch" cameron so i can GO OUT! so i can go do something fun with my healthy kids. or go on a date with tyler and not worry about what cameron is doing at home. that's when i really wish we lived in utah so i could take him to respite or new hope so i could do something fun. go to a friend's house with our family. this is such a long process.

but i also think of how much i have grown in the past 6 months. i am growing and learning at lightning speed. i think the lord knew this was the only way to get me to rely on him, to feed my spirit regularly, to learn and grow. it's such a perfect test for me. it really is. i have grown leaps and bounds. and so has cameron! even though we take steps backwards all the time, i think back to those first days at new hope and where he was a year ago. i remember dragging him to church week after week. tyler getting so frustrated with just getting him dressed for church, he'd leave him in the apartment and come down to the car fuming mad. i'd have to go back up and drag cameron outside... we'd finally get him in the car, and the entire way to church, i would be crying because he would be taking off all of his clothes we just spent 25 minutes getting on him. he'd mess up his hair we did. i was honestly at a loss for what to do. i didn't know what was wrong with him. i wish i had listened to my gut a year before when i said to tyler several times, "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM!!!!" so i have to think back to moments like those when i feel like this journey will never end. we have come so far. cameron is healing. it's just taking a long time.

i wish our therapist in utah would never have put a time table on it. i wish he would have said, "he could be healed in as little as 6 months, or as long as 5 years." or like tyler reminded me, he could choose to struggle with this his entire life. but i know i'm doing the best i can. i really am. the temple brings me an immeasurable amount of peace each week. i could not do this without it!

like i have said before, it may take until the next life. i can't force cameron to make good choices. i can't allow my happiness to be based on his choices. period. now or ever. i have to choose for me. and he has to choose for him. i'm just providing the best path possible for him to heal.

we are going to a camp this summer. a camp that is directed by nancy thomas. she is an attachment specialist and has been for YEARS. kasey at new hope learned from her. it is for our entire family. even though the cost is extremely expensive for us (and we're not sure how that's even going to work out), i feel really good about going. with no support here in the tri cities, we need something to continue to educate us and help our family. it's in june for a week. i am so excited. and it's here in washington (about 3 hrs from our home), which makes it nice.

i am so glad to be already started in this journey and not at the beginning. that's one huge blessing i feel right now! now onto more months of hope and healing for my RADish, me, and my family!

feels like it never ends

i'm going to the temple tonight for the first time in WEEKS! i haven't been since a few weeks before avery was born and she will be a month old on christmas day! i can't wait. (writing that just reminded me that i needed to actually schedule my appointment to go, or i wouldn't be guaranteed a spot in the session). done.

sometimes i feel like cameron's behaviors never end. we get rid of one and he creates another one. mostly to drive me crazy. i don't know if it's all the way conscious or not. but the behaviors are doing just that. driving me crazy and exhausting me. this fuels his need to be in control of my emotions. he loves it. he's good at hiding that. but i know him well enough to know how much he dislikes me and how much he thrives inside when he can cause me to be miserable or stressed. sad. but true! believe me!

cameron's first behavior we got rid of (first BIG behavior. there were/are a gazillion other small ones) was pooping in his pants. he has had issues with it since he was potty trained at like 3 years old. off and on. we got rid of the behavior in utah. and around halloween, it came back. to get rid of it again, i had to not allow ANYTHING in his underwear. not even a skid mark. we still check them every night. he hasn't done "wash" for weeks. whew!

next he started clogging the toilet every time he would poop. first it was just once every few days. but i soon realized it was becoming an every day, every time he pooped thing. ugh! so gross! he would spend 25 minutes in the bathroom... wiping and wiping and wiping. wet wipe after wet wipe. toilet paper after toilet paper. i wasn't sure what to do because i didn't want him cleaning it up for fear that there would be water all over the floors and all over my bathroom. ew. i'm a germ freak! so, i went to the experts. my favorites kasey and lauralee, asking them for a good consequence to end this behavior. me getting frustrated wasn't working. it was only fueling the behavior. lecturing wasn't working. (duh. it never has with him or does with any of my kids). i told kasey the only thing i could think of was having to pay me in chores. or doing a page of coloring. he HATES it with a passion. it's just a rectangle of butcher paper cut out and he has to fill it in with color. seems simple. well a lot of times, when i give that task to cameron, it causes a meltdown. yep. coloring. depending on his mood, he will either get it done quickly (cause he hates it and wants to work hard and get it over with) or he will cry and freak out and scream at me that i'm so mean for making him color. kasey said, "um hello. he needs to do five pages of coloring for clogging the toilet over and over." it didn't take too many times of coloring five pages, and limiting the amount of toilet paper he can use before the behavior stopped. so he can no longer use the bathroom on his own during quiet time without asking. he has to ask to use the bathroom even during quiet time now so i can go take the toilet paper and wet wipes out of the bathroom and give him his allotted amount. yes. it's like having a two or three year old.

well that behavior has ended. but soon after he came up with another one. a lying one. this kid is so smart. he'd ask to use the bathroom and i'd say, "yes you may. potty or poop?" if he'd just say potty, i didn't need to go take the toilet paper and wipes out of the bathroom, right? boys don't wipe when they pee. well i started noticing that there would be toilet paper in the toilet after he'd pee. when i'd ask him about it, he would say, "well, i thought i just needed to go potty. but then i felt something in my bum and so i wiped just to make sure there wasn't any poop in it so it doesn't get in my underwear." or he would say, "well i thought i just needed to go potty, but then i needed to go poop." see the trend? i saw right through it and no matter what he says he needs to do in the bathroom, the toilet paper and wipes are gone. frustrating.

then he came up with another interesting one the past few days. now that he only gets a certain amount of toilet paper (and it's not like i give him two squares. he gets 4 sections of 3 square of toilet paper each section, and 2 wet wipes). that seems like enough to get myself clean, so why shouldn't he be able to learn how to get himself clean with that amount? so, instead of clogging the toilet, now he folds one section of toilet paper so many times that it pretty much disintegrates and becomes a bunch of teeny tiny pieces of toilet paper all over the floor and toilet. he is slightly obsessive about getting completely clean. you see, if he doesn't, it gets on his underwear and he has to do wash. it's a cycle for him. so he'll wipe, fold the section of toilet paper over and over after wiping, so many times that it's eventually so small (and yes, he's touching the poop with his fingers, cause how could you not when folding it so small???) that it crumbles into pieces. when he did it again last night, i almost started to cry when i got back to my room. ANOTHER BEHAVIOR I HAVE TO GIVE A CONSEQUENCE FOR???? it's so tiring! and it totally fits for how he has been acting lately... being mean, in his own "nice" way, arguing, not following directions exactly, putting his spin of control on everything he can. for instance:

the other day, i was telling him what a good mom he had. and that he had the best mom ever! (i like to try to get that into his head since he doesn't like me, whether i'm lenient or strict. i'm trying to get him to realize that i am a good mom and he can trust me to take care of him). he looked at me and said, "well kasey is a better mom than you." WHAT? the lady from new hope that he hated? that he cried EVERY DAY i took him there? the one he called satan? yeah. i knew it was a lie. his own way of trying to hurt my feelings. i said, "ohhh. you must want to go live with kasey if she's a better mom than me." CAUGHT. he got a look of terror on his face and begged me not to text her and ask her if she had room for him to come live at her house. i played into his lie to get him to see he was lying, rather than getting offended and hurt. he wanted that. and i was hurt inside. but on the outside, i did just as good of a job lying as he did. no. i did better than he did. i tried to pull it out of him that he had just told a lie. but he wouldn't ever admit it. when i tried to get it out of him that he lied he said, "no. i meant she's just a better person. you are a better mom." i played into that for a while. then he said, "well. she has more things for me to do." when questioned what she had that was better, he said she had more puzzles (after thinking about it for a few seconds). bull. a bunch of bull. all to hurt me. to get me irritated. mad.

i was putting make up on the other day and said, "cameron you have such a pretty mom." he looked at me and said, "not when you do that." (my mouth hanging open as i'm putting mascara on. he then mimicked me doing that. yeah.

it doesn't matter what i say or do. what i like or dislike. he says or does, likes or dislikes THE OPPOSITE lately. he doesn't like me period right now. if i like a certain meal and say that, if asked if he likes it, he says no. or sort of. he doesn't want to be in agreement with me at all. he just wants to be nasty... in his own conniving way. he's not freaking out or yelling at me. he's not screaming at me or angry on the outside. but the words that come from his mouth sting like venom straight to my heart (even if he says them in a nice way). but i do a good job of not showing it. i just play into it to try and show him it's a lie. and he won't admit it. and that's okay. you see, he would be failing if he admitted it. and in his mind, if he can get me to crack, to cry, to be sad, to yell or scream, he would feel successful at gaining control of my emotions. ew. it's so sad!

he's hard to love right now. he really is. but i'm really doing my best to keep things low key and doing simple tasks of following directions. keeping him "safe" on a blanket with an activity or something to get his mind focusing and not in "control mode." he has always been hard for me to outwardly love. it's hard to explain. but the hell he created for so long made me miserable and i didn't even know what it was or how to get out. he controlled my world. and now that he doesn't, when he's in these "moods, "he will do anything he can to gain that back. to test me. over and over again. and i can't let him. because that fuels his addiction. writing about it is tiring!

macey is so much like cameron. but she doesn't test the limits out of a need to control. she's just a feisty little chick. but she gives SO MUCH BACK! she gives hugs and kisses and loves me. she gets genuinely excited when i walk through the door. cameron could care less. sometimes (hardly ever), he gives me a genuine smile or laugh. or lights up when i walk through the door. he did at one point (a few times). but not anymore. more backwards crap. i have never gotten much in return from cameron... which makes it completely exhausting to not only be his mom, but to try and help him heal in the best way i know how. and it's the hardest way possible. i promise!

so... i will go to the temple tonight with somewhat of a heavy heart. a tired heart. but i also feel much hope. i do love cameron. i feel badly for him. and i've been doing better about not getting frustrated inside the past few days. because i know it's not good for him and his control. and it's not good for me. getting frustrated only drives the spirit away. the spirit that i so desperately need to get through this time in my life. and who knows how long it will go on. i'm really trying. i need to reach out to god more. to pray more. to do more uplifting things, like read my scriptures and conference talks. i have to. my life has become centered on christ and his teachings. it had to. i had to slow down. to make this my absolute biggest priority right now. it's been almost 6 months since we started and i can't believe how fast it has gone. i love this new life in many ways. in many ways, it's harder. but in many ways, i am so much happier, my kids are happier (most days) and cameron and i are HOPEFULLY on our way to a healthy and loving mother/son relationship. i long to hold him in my arms and have him wrap his arms around me just as tight. i long to have him give me a real kiss. to look into my eyes with love. because i don't remember the last time i got that... if ever. and it may take until the next life. but how great a reward it will be then, or here on this earth. i know god can heal hearts and mend wounds. and if cameron and i never have a good relationship in this life, i want to be able to say to god, "i did the best i knew how. i tried my hardest. and i never gave up." and that's what i'm trying to do. every day. every hour. every minute.

a new blog

i decided to start a separate blog for this adventure we have been on for the past 5 months. in some ways, it seems like it has been forever since we went to new hope academy for the first time on july 6th. funny that i have the date memorized. i think i will remember that date forever. in other ways, it feels like the past 5 months has gone by so fast! i can't believe it has been that long since my world was turned upside down.

my sister suggested to me on the phone last night that i write more of the positive outcomes i have seen since we started this process with the experts at new hope and with our therapist, mr. max. this blog has seemed to be more of an "outlet" for me when things are rough. so i'll do my best to give a fair perspective.

so let me tell you the positive outcomes we have had since july.

for those of you who want your kids to behave better. to listen to you the first time you ask. to be obedient and respectful. keep in mind, this process is a lot easier if:

1. you start when your children are young! like SUPER young! kids are so much more capable than we think. like my two year old daughter, macey. she gets up in the mornings, eats her breakfast, and then starts her chores. they include: putting her books away from quiet time, getting dressed, brushing her teeth. she does these things BY HERSELF. it's not that i'm not willing to help her. she just likes to do them on her own. kids are far more capable than we think they are!

2. your child does not have a reactive attachment disorder OR a sibling with this disorder. :) this process is much harder on cameron than my other two kids and it takes A LOT longer! but for the "healthy" kids, it's way faster and they catch on pretty quick.

3. you are CONSISTENT. you hate to give children a consequence if they don't listen the first time you ask. but how can you expect them to do that, if you don't expect it? if you give them ten reminders, they will take the opportunity to allow you to do that every time. if you don't give any reminders, they won't require them. :)

so although this process is much more extensive for our family, simply teaching our kids to be obedient and respectful didn't take long for any of them. maybe a few weeks at most. and yes, they do choose to be disrespectful sometimes (ESPECIALLY during times of change), but i know what to do with consequences when they choose that. so don't be discouraged, thinking this is too much to do. you will have to give up a few weeks of your "normal routine." but it won't take all that long for them to get the hints and start to realize it's more fun to be respectful and obedient to mom than not!

although this way of parenting is MUCH more involved and harder short term, the benefits outweigh the struggles BY FAR! i am a happier mother, wife, friend, and person in general. seriously. ask my husband how much better we get along. no. i'm serious! ask my family how much more pleasant i am to talk to. ask my friends how much more calm i am. my house is. my family is. seriously. i am, i would say, one hundred times happier than i used to be. my family is one hundred times happier than we ever have been. it has been well worth it! and i thank god that he led me to kasey and lauralee at new hope 5 months ago. i am forever indebted to them for the things they have taught me and continue to teach me via email, gchat, and skype. :)

so here's to a new blog. i'm glad i started this... because i always hesitated to publish on my family blog about this for fear that people didn't want to read my journal entries about my struggles. so now they can be somewhere separate and i can keep it separate from my family blog.

lots of steps backwards

i think i'm going to start a separate blog to journal about my baby that struggles with reactive attachment disorder. then i can keep our family blog separate from it... even though this journey involves everyone. and it's a huge part of our family right now. well, it's the center of our family. rad. that's sad that rad is the center of my family. it sucks. oh well. it's a huge learning and growing experience for me. and i mean HUGE!

with all the changes we have going on here, cameron is wigged out. and i mean wigged out. i know this because of old behaviors coming back. very child-like behaviors. behaviors we were able to get rid of while we were in utah. well, they are back. and some that he hasn't done for a few years are back. ugh! it's so tiring and hard to not feel bad for him. to just let him make choices (even though he doesn't even understand or realize why he does some of them). some of these behaviors include:

*pushing limits and boundaries that a month ago, he wouldn't have pushed. like...

-bending the rules constantly. every rule possible is bent. every expectation is pushed. and i mean EVERY rule and expectation. asking him to hang on to the cart while we are out and he moves all over every area of the cart... especially changing his position to go stand on the other side by grandma. a month ago, he would have held onto the cart in the same spot and not moved.

-coming out of his room at night and trying to watch tv from the corner. a month ago, he never would have done that. just pushing his boundaries and limits.

*being obedient in his own way- putting his spin of control on almost everything. some on purpose. a lot of the time, his brain automatically does it. he's back in "control mode" to an extent. me asking him to put away his toys and him saying, "yes mom" but then finishing the last puzzle piece or two before putting it away.

*pee and poop- not only is he getting poop in his underwear almost daily (it's slowing down now that he's spending hours doing his wash), but he has peed the bed, in the middle of the night a few times. HUGE sign that he is out of whack.

*arguing way more. not letting me be the mom, trusting me, and saying, "yes mom" and doing what i ask. he's trying to do things on "his terms" and not mine. he was doing so awesome at this before the past month.

*tucking his private part between his legs. yes, that is a lot of information. but it's the reality of what's going on. he had an obsession with doing this a few years ago. he's doing it again. i don't know what it means. but i know the behavior is back.

these may seem like normal behaviors. and yes, children without rad do these things. but cameron's is all about control. and he does have an attachment disorder. he is literally still 2 years old inside. i know he doesn't feel calm inside since these behaviors are coming back. i know he's all wigged out with the holidays, the baby coming, grandma here, another grandma coming this week.

i have been able to pull myself emotionally out of it for the most part. let his choices be his choices. you have to! otherwise you feel bad, you cave, you give in slightly. you cannot give in to these kids at all! if i give cameron an inch, he will take it, and take another, and take another, and push for another. the only way to get rid of these behaviors is to take all of his control and choices away. completely away!!! and that is hard. i WANT to give him choices. i WANT to give him freedoms. i WANT him to be a boy. to play. to run. to laugh. but cameron isn't ready for any of it. unfortunately, all of his choices are unhealthy and about control for him. he doesn't make healthy choices. he started to... and i started giving him more choices and privileges. well i did it too fast, and all of this change threw him off at the same time. and that sucks. this is taking so long for him to heal. but i know i am partially to blame. trying to figure it all out. i have felt bad at times and not given as severe of a consequences as i should. and then he starts pushing. and pushing. and pushing for more. and then i get tired. and we start over, tightening the reins even more. whew! it's exhausting

i get more frustrated by his choices. that i have to stay home constantly, can't give my other kids fun privileges when they are being good, don't have anyone else to help with cameron that i can trust 100% to follow through with all of the consequences. someone that knows all of his tricks. how he talks and talks and uses his mouth for attention and control. i get selfish and want a break. and i do try to take those breaks so i can keep giving. but sometimes, especially when new behaviors resurface, it's hard to not get really irritated by what he's doing. like peeing the bed. ugh! cause when he pees the bed, he has to wash the bedding. with his feet. with stomping on it. over and over again. i hate it. i don't want to make him wash them. i know it will take hours for him to go through the process. but what do i do? give in and not make him? and then he'll push and it will become a battle? nope. can't do it.

he's been telling me what a mean mom i am. yeah. it hurts. and there are many times when i feel like a jerk. a complete jerk for a mom. but i KNOW i have to do this. i can't go back. that would be an absolute disaster. he wouldn't feel safe. he would go crazy. so all i can do is my best. tighten in the reins, be consistent, calm, not reactive. don't react to his choices. just give the consequence. our days around here are super boring lately. even ask tyler's mom. super boring!

tyler gave me a blessing the other night. i had a meltdown. with all the stress of the baby and company coming, i lost it. the blessing reminded me that cameron has agency. and that these struggles he has could be something he takes with him for the rest of this life. i cried. a lot. seriously? i'm going through all of this. he's going through all of this? and we still have the possibility of him not healing????? my heart broke in that moment. i was devastated. devastated! here we are doing all of this stuff with him... and in the end, there are two factors i can't control. god's will. and my son's right to choose. i cried even more. i remember telling tyler, "i don't feel any better. i don't feel peace." it hurt to remember that god is in control. as much as i want to be in control (we are all a little bit rad), and i want to be perfect for my son, i can't. i can't do it all. i can't be perfect. i can only do the best i can. and leave the rest up to god's will and my son's ability to choose for himself. whew. that was a hard night to be reminded of that.

life is hard. and i pray that one day, cameron will love me. i pray that one day, he will be able to truly feel love from others. because right now, he doesn't. he uses affection to manipulate almost 100% of the time. i hope that one day, he will be able to feel the love i have for him. some days i feel like it will never come. but other days i feel a great hope for him. i wouldn't be doing all of this if i didn't care or love him desperately. i do. but it's super hard to do and to watch.

we can only do the best we can through all of this change. i can only give what i can... stay as close as i can to the spirit, stay "clear" in my heart and mind so i can be open to those promptings. not get frustrated. just pull myself out of it. let him choose. give the consequences. as a mom, that's hard. i love this little boy. i want him to be that little boy that he was giving me small glimpses of before all this backwards stuff started. i want him to love life and be happy. it's just a long road to get there. a really long and tough road.

grateful

through this pain of trying to help my son and family heal, i am trying to be thankful today...

i was thinking about it earlier. i get down, wishing i didn't have to deal with this. wishing that we could live a "normal" life. as i was crying to tyler this morning before he left for work (and tyler hiding me from cameron so he wouldn't have the satisfaction of seeing me sad), i said that. "sometimes i wish we could just live a normal life." and then the thought immediately came to my mind, "tiffany. what is normal? no one lives the "normal" life." i got thinking...

i know/know of people that:

*have a child with autism.

*have children with other behavioral/mental/physical disorders.

*can't get pregnant after years of trying.

*are hurt mentally, emotionally, physically by their spouses. people that don't have a job. *people are losing their homes or have already lost it.

*have lost a child, spouse, close family member.

and it occurred to me that i need to do the best i can to not get down. to be fiercely grateful for all that i have been given. yes, i do have my "cup." my struggles. my hardships. i have a son with rad. but really... i am SO blessed!

i have...

*a husband who loves me. our relationship has NEVER been better than it is now. EVER! our son no longer has the control of mine and my husband's relationship in his hands. he doesn't get between us anymore.

*three children (and soon to be four)

*a healthy body that can exercise, carry babies, perform basic functions (even though i have gained close to 30 lbs recently).

*education- one i'm especially grateful for that the lord led me to 4 months ago... education about my son and his disorder. and boy am i grateful the lord led me to new hope and mr. max BEFORE this baby came so i could become a healthier mom.

*a job (tyler's). in this economy, we feel so blessed to not only have a great paying job, but to have people seeking him out several times in the past year since he graduated, trying to recruit him to come work for their company.

*a home (even if it's not "mine").

*money to meet our needs and some wants

*the gospel and temple. oh where would i be without it! surely... an absolute disaster.

*the atonement of jesus christ. that i can mess up and try to do and be better next time. that's what this life is all about.

*family. i love my little one. but it's really not so little anymore. we're soon to be a family of 6. holy crap!

just to name a few... i have a lot to be grateful for. and i need to remember, that even if i can't "see" people's struggles on the outside, they have them.