PEACE

I am renewed!!! I don't even know where to start...

Cameron was mad when we got to New Hope this morning. He was not happy. He played lots of tricks and games... control games. Like when Kasey asked him to hang up his coat, twice. He wouldn't do it. He took it off eventually... and threw it on the floor. Not acceptable at New Hope. He didn't hang it up all day.  They asked him to jump on the mini trampoline. He wouldn't jump. He laid on his back and bounced, with his hands and feet straight up in the air. He refused for a few hours.

He wrote a page of feelings... of hate... for Kasey. "I hate you. You are the meanest, ugliest, selfishest, rudest person ever. I hate all the women here." He wasn't happy. But it didn't come with the evil that used to accompany these feelings. He used to have true "hate" for these people. But it didn't feel that way today. It felt like he just didn't care to do what they asked him to. He was just stuck in a "blah" place more than anything else. They told me I've done good work with him over the past 6 months of being home. YAY! This hasn't all been for nothing. They can see big improvements in Cameron. YAY!

I was thrilled to be at New Hope. Now that I am over the "beginning stages" of learning about RAD and about Cameron, it wasn't overwhelming or emotional for me at all. It was amazing. I loved it. I wanted to stay and help. And I did for the morning. It was awesome. I liked watching the other kids get a feel for me, and try their tricks with me. Ha Ha. I know their tricks. I am a RAD mom! They weren't happy when I called them on their control games.

Then I decided to take the afternoon to just relax. I went to lunch with one of the other "RAD moms." That was MORE than enjoyable. To talk to someone that goes through exactly what I do was awesome. We both understood each other and have experienced many of the same things with our sons. I enjoyed her company more than she knew!

I can't wait for tomorrow! This has been so needed for me and for Cameron! I should have been here a month ago. As tough as this journey is, I find myself more and more grateful for it as time goes by. Like I said in my last post... this journey was tailored specifically for me... exactly the way I needed it.

Round 2

I kind of feel like I am starting over... even though I'm not.

Cameron has been in a downward spiral over the past few months. I felt like I couldn't stop him. I was trying. We were doing the same things we have always done. When he is in a good place, he is okay with it. But, he was starting to whine, complain, argue more and more and more. He started throwing fits, tantrums, freak outs. I tried pushing him into a rage a few times... to get it out... hoping that after the rage, he would be the that little boy again... okay with me being his Mom and being in charge of him. But he didn't rage and he didn't come out of it. Days went by and he was getting nasty. He lost all privileges of playing with siblings. I tried taking all of that control away again. It didn't work.

Last Thursday, I went to the temple for my weekly dose of heaven. On my way home, Tyler texted me and said Cameron had run away and was out on the main road outside of our neighborhood. My heart dropped and I immediately got in contact with his teachers from Utah. I think I knew deep down inside that we needed to take a trip to Salt Lake. I was tired. Cameron had been awful to me the past few weeks especially... saying horrible things, rude, angry, etc. I couldn't help him snap out of it. He just didn't care. He was to the point that he refused jumping jacks for several hours, and laid on a blanket instead. He refused to do jumping jacks the way he is supposed to (pretty dang close to perfect jumping jacks). He laid on a blanket off and on for days... doing quiet activities (puzzles, reading a book) until he was ready to do, what we call, A+ jumping jacks. After three days of this, I knew he wasn't going to come out with me around. I knew we needed a third party involved.

We left the following morning to drive to Salt Lake (yesterday). We packed up after the kids were asleep. I am prepared to stay longer than I think I am (since last time, I planned to be gone 3 weeks and was gone for 2 months). The funny thing was, after I had decided that I was FOR SURE going to Utah, Cameron started being kinda good... caring a little bit more... his jumping jacks were pretty good... WHAT? I hadn't said a word to him! Not one! He had no clue anything was going on. Why was he suddenly snapping out of it? Should I just stay home? Ha. I knew better than that. I knew this was Satan's way of convincing me that everything was going to be okay. He was going to get better on his own. I could just stay in the comfort of my own home. I didn't need to haul my four little kids to Utah. I didn't need to be separated from Tyler for several weeks AGAIN. But I knew better and I carried on and packed up my life to bring to Utah.

We have run into obstacles along the way. The drive down actually went great, but this morning... not so much. I think Avery has an ear infection. I think the pressure from her ears from driving through the mountains and everything yesterday was never relieved and that it turned into an infection. (That has happened to me before as an adult). She spent the entire morning screaming. No one could soothe her. She was miserable. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I even tried pumping and giving her a bottle. She screamed in pain. I tugged on her left ear... nothing. I tugged on her right ear... she winced and began to scream again. Dang it. Tyler ran to the store for some pain reliever for her and a homeopathic that I use for ear infections that is AMAZING. I finally got her to go to sleep and she is resting now. I had a very distinct impression that Satan does not want me here. He does not want me near New Hope. He does not want Cameron to get help. He does not want me to be educated on my son's needs. He wants this to destroy my family. Avery screaming all morning was supposed to be to tempt me to get in the car with Tyler, turn around, and drive back home. But I did not. I would not. I have to be here, as hard as it is.

Tyler left about an hour ago to make the drive back home to Washington in a borrowed car. Seriously? We are doing this again? I was emotional, to say the least. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so alone and so overwhelmed, even with all the family I have here. I still feel alone. It's hard for people to understand. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of having three other children to care for and meet needs for, all while providing the kind of environment Cameron needs, out of the comfort of our own home. I am stressed because Avery doesn't feel well.... and she is a very scheduled baby. I have her down for three naps per day, precisely when she gets tired.... before she gets overtired. If I miss her cues, and she gets overtired, she does not settle or rest well. She cries a lot when she is overtired and I haven't gotten her in bed on time. I am stressed because I breastfeed her... and I am the only one that can do that... on her time table... not mine!

I am overwhelmed, but know, without a doubt, that I am supposed to be here right now. I would not have come if I didn't feel a great amount of peace at my decision. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the second I decided I was coming to Utah on Friday afternoon. I knew I had to. I literally felt lighter.

Now I have to humble myself and ask for help. Am I the only one that struggles so much to ask for help, even from my own families? I feel like a failure if I can't do it on my own, without help. I feel like a loser Mom, that can't take care of her own kids. But I know what I need to do.

I plan to be here 2 weeks (is what my gut tells me)... but I am open to being here as long as I need to be... here is to Round 2... to re-charge, re-fuel, and re-learn. And for my little Cameron, to realize that the life he has at home isn't so bad... and that he is loved and will be taken care of. This is a painful journey. But I had a very good friend tell me that healing is painful... for anyone... even adults. This is painful for Cameron. For me. For Tyler. But I know, in the end, the pain will have been MORE than worth it!

This is a marathon journey toward healing... no where near the "sprint" I had hoped for, and wanted it to be. This journey is not just about Cameron and his struggles. It is just as much my own personal journey... a pretty amazing, hand-crafted one from above... specifically for me. And I am so grateful for it!!

grateful

i have days fairly often where i am just filled with gratitude. i feel peace and comfort pretty much every day. but this overwhelming gratitude is different. it's beyond the peace i feel each day. and i love days where i am filled with this gratitude. today happens to be one of those days.

if you don't want to read a journal entry, stop now. i'm going into a lot of detail about some stuff, and it's going to be long. :)

my two younger kids have been sick. and i mean, really sick. i have never in my life, had a stomach bug this bad or watched another person be so ill. it was really sad. and i have some major anxiety when it comes to throwing up. i think i know where it comes from. an experience as a young teenager...

from the moment my parents announced we would be moving from south florida to bloomfield hills, michigan, i was sick every night and had major trouble falling asleep. i remember how real my stomach hurting was. every. single. night. my stomach felt like i needed to throw up. i don't remember ever actually throwing up. but it happened each night. i would get anxious because it was almost bedtime, and i knew that feeling was coming back. and it did. every night. my mom bought me some mylanta. for a sour stomach. it helped. i took that stuff for years. and i'm not talking sometimes. i'm talking every. single. night. if we went out of town, i brought my mylanta with me. we had it stocked in the house. stocked at our cabin in island park. we had it everywhere. my stomach issues lasted several years i think. but i finally grew out of it once i made friends in michigan and settled there.

this is the only thing i can think of where my anxiety with throwing up would come from. if anyone is sick or has been sick with a stomach bug, i stay as far away as possible. not just for a few days. at least a week after their symptoms are gone. i stay away. i even don't like bringing my kids to nursery in the winter time because of stomach bugs. i get paranoid. it's weird though... when we occasionally have this kind of bug going around at our house, i always think, "why am i so anxious about this? it's not that big of a deal." i have even thought that while leaning over the toilet myself. "this isn't that bad. why do i freak out about it?" i even will drink a coke or sprite to help calm my nerves... (no. no one has taken over this blog. i really just wrote that. if you know me, you KNOW, i do not drink soda. but i do. rarely. if i have a stomach bug of anxiousness about a stomach bug, it helps settle me for some reason). and yes, it helps. i stop eating for a few days... i basically treat myself like i have the bug, even if it's my kids that have it. i know. very weird. very strange. and yes, i'm pretty sure i need therapy. i know it's not normal. and it does interfere with my quality of life. :)

so back to why i am so grateful. (i wanted to document that experience from my childhood though and why i am so weird about puking). my husband is well aware of how much anxiety i have about throwing up. so when our kids started coming in our room every 10 minutes around 9:30 at night, i started to freak out a little. he said, "why don't you go sleep in bed. i'll sit out in the hallway all night and read my book and help them." of course, i didn't sleep. my stomach hurt. it was empty, which i wasn't sure if i was sick too, or if it was because i hadn't had my nightly snack that i always need while breastfeeding. but i was too scared to eat that snack. so i didn't. i tossed and turned and tossed and turned. i got up a few times to help tyler and the kids. and by 2 AM, i grabbed a coke out of the garage and brought a blanket and pillow in the hallway to help too. the kids eventually joined us and we all rested (haha. in between the throwing up and cleaning up) in the hallway all night.

does my husband rock or what? he stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG and was willing to do all of the work so i could rest. he even took the following day off so he could continue to help. yes, they were still throwing up for the entire day the next day. (not as often, but still). i am beyond grateful for him today. one of my love languages is acts of service. that is one of the ways i feel very loved. so for tyler to stay up all night with me and help screamed to me how much he loved me. for tyler to stay up all night is saying A LOT. he struggles waking up in the night. i would say i am up with kids in the middle of the night 99% of the time. so this was huge for him.

i am also feeling immense gratitude for this process i am going through. i am so grateful for all i have learned. for the peace i feel in my life. i love that the feeling in my home is so similar to the feeling of the temple. i don't say that in a prideful way at all. i just felt everything except peace before i started this journey. and now, i feel so much peace in my home and in my heart. i love it. i welcome it. i thrive in it.

sometimes when people find out what my life is like, they feel bad for me. i have days when i feel bad for me too. but in all honesty... i would not change a thing. yes, cameron has been a tough kid for me. he is hard. always has been. we have struggles. but given the chance to do it all over again, i would do it the same. (except maybe i would have gotten help sooner). i wouldn't trade cameron for the way he is. through him, i have been taught so much. through his disorder, i have been taught on a level i never thought possible. i feel like i'm learning at a pace that is way faster than i would otherwise have learned. god gave me this challenge to help me grow and become the woman i am meant to become. boy is it working! and fast! he knew this journey would take me where i needed to go. for that, i am so thankful. some days, it is HARD. some days, i feel bad for me. and i desperately want out! i want to go back to a normal and fun life. but most days, i am just grateful. grateful to be where i am. grateful for this journey. grateful for my cameron. my husband. my friends at new hope that have taught me everything i know. grateful for the spirit that guides me daily, if i am in a place to hear it, listen to it, and follow it.

i'm beyond grateful today.

church

today was stake conference. tyler wanted everyone to go. i was worried about if cameron was in a good place for attending church. we tried it. he didn't even make it out the door.

cameron started crying over his socks and shoes. they felt weird. (this was very much a behavior he had each week about going to church). oh. my. word. it was a joke. today made me flashback to a year ago. i remember around this time last year, tyler leaving cameron screaming his brains out in the apartment and coming out to the van, shaking his head, week after week after week after week. cameron would go into a screaming, crying, fit, and rage over his socks feeling weird. not wanting to wear the shoes tyler asked him to. they felt weird. he would cry, have a meltdown. almost like a panic attack or something. over his socks and shoes. getting cameron dressed for church was a nightmare we dreaded every week. (he started this about when we moved to washington). of course we didn't give him the choice. we have been going to church since before cameron was born. he should be used to it, right? it wasn't about church for him. once he got there, he was fine, loved primary, etc. it was getting him there that was a nightmare. i remember one sunday, bawling my eyes out on the way to church as cameron raged in the backseat, screaming and ripping all of his clothes off. this was his weekly routine. we'd get him dressed, drag him out to the car with his shoes in our hands, with him screaming the entire way. and the 20 minute drive to church was hell. screaming, throwing things, ranting, raving. undressing himself, only so we'd get to church to put his clothes back on. it sucked. i didn't know what to do. tyler even went and talked to the bishop about it. (this was all shortly before we found new hope). how difficult cameron was for me and that i was losing it. i remember feeling so lost... i had no clue how to help cameron. but this was one of the signs i had that something was WRONG. this was not normal behavior. it's not like we suddenly started making cameron going to church. and it wasn't about going to church... he liked church once he got there. i was so confused. 

we had a few other major signs that something was terribly wrong inside of cameron... his violence was out of control. he wasn't only threatening to hurt me and himself. but he was acting on it. in very serious ways. with weapons. he started with just threats, which quickly turned into reality. i was terrified that my 5 year old son was so emotionally disturbed and angry that he was attempting to hurt himself and me. it was scary. really scary.

so, back to today. he started the crying over his shoes. he wasn't having a meltdown about it, but he was crying, and laid back on the floor to tie his shoe (go figure), and whacked his head on the door. more crying. and then he started blaming the door. he does this a lot. nothing is ever his fault. he blames. blames. blames. on ridiculous things... like doors being in his way. or our house being so small that he doesn't have room to do correct jumping jacks. the bathroom is so small that he does crappy jumping jacks. he doesn't take ownership of much of his behavior.  :)  depending on the day of course. so, in my heart, i knew cameron was not up to going to church today. but he continued to put on his shoes. everyone else was ready and going out the door. he started to panic inside. he was crying, but trying so hard to get his shoes tied. i knew his anxiety was too much. he was talking to himself. telling himself it was okay and to hurry and tie his shoes so he could go. "i want to go mom. i want to go." i started to get tears in my eyes. i knew it was too much for him. and i was crying for him. that he has to go through this as a little 6 year old. i told him it was okay. tyler left with the little kids and i stayed with cameron. as usual.  :)  i held him in the hallway as he cried. no fit. no screaming. no ranting. raving. yelling. blaming. he just cried. and i held him with tears streaming down my face. i told him that i loved him. and that everything was going to be okay. it was such a tender moment i think i will remember forever. i brought him out to the couch and traced my finger around his face. loving him. and holding him. the spirit was so strong and my love for him was overwhelming. i hoped he could feel it. i tried to send him a message through my eyes and my heart how much i loved him. i don't know if cameron is capable of feeling true love yet. i really don't. he uses "love" and relationships for manipulation. i don't think he has felt true love in his heart before. i don't believe he has allowed himself to... that's part of what we are trying to heal in him. getting him to learn how to experience true feelings.

i think this experience was far more important than attending stake conference today. not bringing cameron to church is hard for us. but i think what's harder is the judgement we have felt from others by this choice. it goes contrary to everything i was taught growing up and continue to be taught. it goes against some family members opinions. it obviously goes against what prophets and apostles advise. it goes against everything i've ever known. but i know deep in my heart, we need to do what is best for cameron. and some days, it's best that he stays home. i feel like he is definitely getting closer to being ready to go more regularly. most of the time, his behavior at church is fine. and i'm talking sacrament. primary is a whole other issue for these kids. extremely over-stimulating. but it's the behaviors he has when he gets home that have shown me that church was too much for him in the past. he would argue more, forget his "yes moms," have meltdowns. he was back into his "control mode," fighting for any control he could possibly get. the few times we have tried church since we got home in august, this is what he would do. it was how he acted after church that showed me he couldn't handle it.

we will get there. i have such a hope for cameron and his healing. we are seeing so much progress. and on days where i feel like we aren't progressing, i have to read emails back from last summer from when he was at new hope and how he would spend time screaming at the teachers, yelling, how he would hit me, kick me, spit in my face, blow his snot all over the floor or himself, refuse to do work of any kind, refuse to stay on a blanket and play with blocks. we have come so far. and my love for him is at a level it has never been before. this is just as much my journey as it is for cameron. it's not just that he doesn't have an attachment to me. i also, do not have an attachment to cameron. but we are working on that. and i feel more love for him than i ever have in the past. so we are making progress. it is slow. slower than i would like. but this journey is teaching me so much about love, life, christ, family, and following the spirit. it's a perfect test for me in this life. absolutely perfect.

CAMP REVOLUTION

so i'm going to try and make this post quick but informative...

we need your help! my little family of 6 has decided to attend CAMP REVOLUTION this summer. it's a camp that is specifically designed for families that have children that suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder (which my oldest son does). however, the price tag is quite large. (several thousand dollars). we really feel we need to continue to be educated and get help for cameron. we have been told by the ladies at new hope that these camps are amazing and life changing.

we took a leap of faith, and signed up, and put our deposit down, even though we really don't know how the money thing will work out.

we are asking for your help.

there are two ways you can donate:

1. PAYPAL

we've created a donations link on the right-side of our blog (my rad blog and family blog) through paypal. (it's labeled DONATE). keep in mind, there is a fee that one of us has to pay if you donate through paypal. you can choose to pay that fee, or have it come out of my paypal account (your donation amount). also, it will not be an anonymous donation if you use paypal. i will be able to see in my paypal account who has donated money and how much they donated.

2. SEND A CHECK TO PAM (the woman in charge of our camp)

pam will keep this information anonymous. we will be unaware of who sent money and how much. we will only know the "balance" of our account that we owe for camp revolution. so if you, or someone you know would like to donate, but would like it to be anonymous (or you just don't want to use paypal), here is the address where you can send your donation.

OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits, Inc.

c/o Camp Revolution

3607 Solokar Road #1

Loon Lake, WA 99148

please make your checks payable to: OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits

when your donation is received, pam will take that money out of the balance our family owes.

just put our family name on your check somewhere to let them know it is for the dansie family.

we have to have our balance paid off by may 1st.

we know many of you aren't able to donate. we understand and don't expect it. but we thought we would do the uncomfortable, and ask for help. we truly appreciate those who are willing and able to help us continue to give cameron opportunities to heal through donating to this cause.

thank you so much for your help!

a fantastic week... for me

it's been one of those weeks... in a good way!

the funniest part is, it was a really rough week for cameron. he's been very back and forth. and then had two really bad days in a row. the difference was, i let myself still have great days. i didn't get emotionally caught up with his choices and behaviors. i wasn't irritated, frustrated, annoyed, in the LEAST! the fact that he was raging, yelling, screaming, kicking, whining, crying, throwing tantrums, doing terribly pathetic jumping jacks, not saying "yes mom" or "no mom," which is an expectation of respect in our house (for him especially). i just let it all roll off my back, gave him consequences, and zero privileges, and made sure to "fill up" with affection and playing with my other kids. i just let cameron make his choices, held my expectations super high of him, and let him choose. and after two days, he was HAPPY! the happiest i've seen him in months!

really... i would go to him when he was doing jumping jacks to tell me he had a "need," and almost every time, he had a little smile on his face. my jaw dropped i think. he has NEVER had a smile on his face (a sincere child-like one), while doing jumping jacks. he knew he was doing excellent jumping jacks like i expected him to. i had to hold myself back from jumping for joy, kissing him all over, being so excited for him. i knew that would send him right back down the tunnel of hell that he came from. so i said things like, "i notice you have decided to do good jumping jacks today cameron." and "is that a smile on your face?" i said to him, "you have been smiling a lot today." he looked at me, smiled, and said, "i know. i don't know why!"

it lasted... for most of the day.... i played a game of memory with him which he handled great. then we spent a few minutes just talking with avery and looking at her with all the kids. i could see him starting to get that look back in his eyes. and i was sad for him. we attempted a memory game with me and all the kids. it ended early. he started to go down his spiral... it's the end of the day though. we will see where he is tomorrow. maybe angry again. who knows. but i saw him! the real cameron today! and i was thrilled. but if he decides to be the angry, guarded cameron tomorrow... let it be. i'm still going to have a great weekend!

i had so many moments this week of awe. awe of how much i love my life now. how grateful i am for four beautiful children. and one especially that is "my refiner" as kasey calls these radishes. he truly is in my life to teach me... through some interesting ways. but i have been so grateful this week for this trial i have with cameron. grateful for all i am learning. grateful for the love i have developed for him. grateful for the things i have learned and the way i run my house now...

you know, it's interesting. i always wanted to raise my kids like this. i always wanted to turn the tv off. i never wanted my kids to watch much tv or movies. never wanted them to play video games. i wanted to play games together. to have children that were respectful and listened the first time they were asked. to love my children and be filled with that pure love of christ when i look at them. to have a home full of peace and love. to feel the spirit daily. to have 95% of my days be good and uplifting (100% would be nice, but comon)! until these last 6 months, my house and life was pretty much the opposite of all of this. i was even letting the way my children ate go down the drain. i'm a health fanatic, and at one point, last winter, we were going to the mcdonalds playground once per week. now some people might do that, and that's fine. but if you know me, you KNOW that is NOT ME! but i was beyond losing it. i was gone. i was as out of control as cameron. i had no authority, no peace, not much love, and just chaos. and then i got pregnant. and i was not happy. (and that is an understatement). that sounds awful, but i was. how in the world was i going to do all of this WITH ANOTHER ONE!!! i am beyond grateful to my heavenly father for the tender mercy he sent me of learning the things i have learned BEFORE i had avery. i had a really good handle on things before she arrived. for that, i am thankful every day.

i now live the life that i always wanted. peace, love, calm, uplifting. bottom line... i cannot be happier with the way my life is right now.

whew

where has the time gone? in so many ways, times flies by for me. but in so many ways, it crawls!

so how has my RADish been? up and down. up and down. up and down. the key is for me to not go up and down with him.

the holidays sucked. they got way worse when we put up our christmas tree. we had sacrificed EVERYTHING over the holidays. no halloween. (not that i minded. i hate the holiday. i'm not even sure why they call it a holiday). thanksgiving couldn't really be anxiety and stress free. i had a baby. (a really cute one too). we had tyler's mom here for a week and my mom here. we didn't do anything different. we did the same stuff with cameron. we kept it as simple as possible with a new baby in the house and people visiting. kept our outings few and far between and short-lived. 2 weeks before christmas, we got a small tree. i decorated it very simply by myself. not long after we put it up, cameron really started digressing. he started being really mouthy, disrespectful, rude, just mean. and really mad. mad over the fact that he wasn't in charge. he started pushing boundaries even more. i knew it was because we put the tree up. he could feel my stress about his choices lately too. i just wanted the holidays to be over so we could get him back on track! we kept presents simple too. one puzzle, one book for each child. a dollhouse to share. they opened a pair of jammies christmas eve. that's it. no big, loud, obnoxious toys. nothing too overstimulating. but i was wrong... it was too overstimulating.

we took the tree down christmas night. i was so ready to get things back to normal so cameron could settle down and pull out of his fight for survival and control. the funny thing is, he did! he was so much different the next day.

but we took a step back a few days ago. yesterday was the worst day he has had in a while. i noticed that recently, he hasn't been saying, "yes mom" like he is supposed to, has been more talkative (his talking that is for control over situations, to be the center of everything). it just wasn't feeling good to me. so i decided to go back to square one yesterday. pull all of his control away. and he freaked. i was shocked he didn't rage. but he was mad. really mad. i didn't let him have any choices. i made him do jumping jacks every time he didn't say, "yes mom." or "no mom," instead of "yeah." or "ok." i brought my standards back up super high (i should have never let them drop. somehow with a new baby, christmas, i wasn't as calm inside, and i didn't even really notice that i wasn't expecting as much out of him). i think this is what caused his spiral downfall that i was starting to notice. he wasn't settled during the holidays. but once that tree went up, he started downward (was good for a week or so afterwards), and then started falling even more. so once i tightened those boundaries on him big time, he was mad at me. oh well!

i've been talking with the girls at new hope a lot recently. with some of the things i was noticing about cameron. his food stuff... saving food if he really liked it for the next day (as if he's afraid it's never coming back), asking for more food, etc. (sounds normal, but again, he does this all in need for "control"). we also have some good consequences for his bathroom issues. after his clogging the toilet wasn't working for control anymore, he started waiting until the last minute to go to the bathroom (pee). he has always done this to an extent. but i noticed he was waiting until the last minute. BIG TIME. to the point that by the time he'd do his jumping jacks to ask to use the bathroom, and got into the bathroom, he was peeing everywhere. all over my shower curtain, twice. well, when he does that, he gets to do wash. so he was washing my entire shower curtain and his clothes. it took him a long time. like we're talking a few hours. to wring out a shower curtain until it's not dripping? and SEVERAL times. not just once. so after that happened a few times, and he wasn't quitting the behavior of waiting so long to pee, i asked lauralee what to do. she said to have him take toilet time every hour. where he has to go sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every hour. she said to tell him, "i can tell you have a need to practice going to the bathroom. i can give that to you." so i set the timer (we set timers like CRAZY in this house), and he sits there for 10 minutes. after the second time, i found what i KNEW he would do... opened the door to check on him... his pants were down and he was standing in front of the mirror. i said, "oh, i can see you need more practice with sitting." and i gave him a 30 minute session in the bathroom instead of the normal 10. all because he wanted to do it "his way" and not the way i asked him to do it. i have to make the consequence worse than his need and want to "control" (even in small things like trying to trick me by standing in front of the mirror while in "toilet time" instead of sitting on the toilet like i asked him to). it's working though. he doesn't get the chance to wait until the last minute to pee because he gets a chance to go every hour! lauralee is a genius!

he lied to me too... about needing toilet paper. said he pooped (remember i take the toilet paper out and he only gets a certain amount). yeah, he told me he had pooped. he didn't. but he did have poop that needed to be cleaned up on him. i made him "pay" for the toilet paper. he owed me jumping jacks. and he owed me more jumping jacks for lying.

i have to be SO SPECIFIC with cameron. i can't leave ANY gray area or he sees it as "open to manipulate." it's so annoying. but we're trying to help him heal from this.

some days, i feel like this is going to be my life forever. watching my son's every move. bringing him with me everywhere. i feel like he's never going to heal. i miss having someone to "watch" cameron so i can GO OUT! so i can go do something fun with my healthy kids. or go on a date with tyler and not worry about what cameron is doing at home. that's when i really wish we lived in utah so i could take him to respite or new hope so i could do something fun. go to a friend's house with our family. this is such a long process.

but i also think of how much i have grown in the past 6 months. i am growing and learning at lightning speed. i think the lord knew this was the only way to get me to rely on him, to feed my spirit regularly, to learn and grow. it's such a perfect test for me. it really is. i have grown leaps and bounds. and so has cameron! even though we take steps backwards all the time, i think back to those first days at new hope and where he was a year ago. i remember dragging him to church week after week. tyler getting so frustrated with just getting him dressed for church, he'd leave him in the apartment and come down to the car fuming mad. i'd have to go back up and drag cameron outside... we'd finally get him in the car, and the entire way to church, i would be crying because he would be taking off all of his clothes we just spent 25 minutes getting on him. he'd mess up his hair we did. i was honestly at a loss for what to do. i didn't know what was wrong with him. i wish i had listened to my gut a year before when i said to tyler several times, "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM!!!!" so i have to think back to moments like those when i feel like this journey will never end. we have come so far. cameron is healing. it's just taking a long time.

i wish our therapist in utah would never have put a time table on it. i wish he would have said, "he could be healed in as little as 6 months, or as long as 5 years." or like tyler reminded me, he could choose to struggle with this his entire life. but i know i'm doing the best i can. i really am. the temple brings me an immeasurable amount of peace each week. i could not do this without it!

like i have said before, it may take until the next life. i can't force cameron to make good choices. i can't allow my happiness to be based on his choices. period. now or ever. i have to choose for me. and he has to choose for him. i'm just providing the best path possible for him to heal.

we are going to a camp this summer. a camp that is directed by nancy thomas. she is an attachment specialist and has been for YEARS. kasey at new hope learned from her. it is for our entire family. even though the cost is extremely expensive for us (and we're not sure how that's even going to work out), i feel really good about going. with no support here in the tri cities, we need something to continue to educate us and help our family. it's in june for a week. i am so excited. and it's here in washington (about 3 hrs from our home), which makes it nice.

i am so glad to be already started in this journey and not at the beginning. that's one huge blessing i feel right now! now onto more months of hope and healing for my RADish, me, and my family!