square one

i feel like my life has been sort of a whirlwind, and blogging has taken a back seat since we went to camp and moved to utah.


one of the main reasons is i am busy. :) aren't we all? well, i have a pretty naughty 2 3 year old and when she is naughty, i carry her around in a moby wrap. and she is naughty a lot. it doesn't make typing on a computer easy at all. you all know about my son that has reactive attachment disorder. that takes a lot of time too. i have a baby too. she's almost 11 months. :) oh, and i have a 4 1/2 year old that i try to meet his needs too. and i do have a husband, but he is gone. a lot. works more than full time and a second job 2 nights per week too. (it used to be 4 nights per week, so i am thrilled with 2). the 2 nights he used to work, i leave and teach an exercise class to cameron's teachers. all of this is why i haven't been blogging lately. but i want to make sure to keep up with it more. so i'll do better. promise.


back in the summer, cameron was doing awesome. when we first moved here, he was in new hope 2. he was doing so well, respectful, obedient, fun to be around. we saw less and less naughty behaviors, less desperation in his need to control (it was more of just a habit at this point), etc. we were able to take him to the park to play, to church (he even went to primary once or twice, with dad by his side of course), to family events, etc. it was so fun to feel like we were somewhat normal again!


well, after a few weeks, i started to notice he was being really ungrateful. we took him to the park and got pizza for dinner one night and he complained when we got home that we didn't stay for that long. that was a red flag to me. but i carried on and ignored it. after he started being more and more ungrateful about other things, i started to feel like we needed to start to pull back a little bit, in fear of him spiraling. so we pulled back in the reins a little, didn't do as many outings, just tried to simplify. then he started making small jabs at me with his words. one day i was saying how my kids had the best mom ever (to them). cameron responded with "you think you are like the best person mom. but there are tons of people better than you." another red flag. to some, that may be funny. but to a mom who's child really doesn't love her or feel her love, it hurt. i shook it off the best i could and just ignored it. but he was making more and more comments like that and more often. i said one day that they had the cutest mom ever. cameron rolled his eyes and said, "whatever." seems like a harmless comment and every kid wouldn't think their mom is the cutest. but it was another red flag.


he started to go downhill at new hope. all of the kids in new hope 2 did. not focused, not able to function and follow specific directions. starting to use his control in everything all over again. to the point where he couldn't follow one simple direction without throwing his spin of control into it. not good. meltdowns started. peeing. a lot. every day at new hope, at home, every night. one day, at home, he even just stood in the middle of the floor and peed. never asked for the bathroom or told me he needed to go. just peed.


the good news? even though all of his old behaviors are coming out that he had when we first started this process, there is a different feeling behind them. i know that sounds weird. but when he would be violent with me before, there was no holding back. he was so so angry. there was so much anger, fear, evil behind his raging and violence. but this time has been different. he tries to hurt me, but i can tell he is holding himself back. like he doesn't really intend to harm me, but is going through the motions of doing it. when he bit me the other day, it wasn't a super hard bite and i could tell. when he was fighting me and trying to hurt me with weapons of sorts, he wasn't really trying, with no holding back. there was part of him that didn't truly want to hurt me. yay!!! that is so good!!!


something interesting one of his teacher's told me this weekend which i completely agree with... kids with rad will sometimes cycle back all the way to where they first started to test mom. is mom still going to be able to love me and be able to deal with my awful behaviors, even if i do awful things that i used to do? or is she going to go back to hating me, screaming, yelling, spanking, freaking out at me? or can she handle it all, be calm, give me consequences, and just let it roll off her back? can i trust her? 


so i think that's where we are at. he is testing the waters to see if i really have changed, and can love him through it all, or if i'm going to go back to my overwhelmed, confused, have no idea what to do or how to handle this child, kind of mom. hopefully i've been winning his trust the past few weeks. :)


i can't help but be so grateful for this process. cameron has challenges. challenges that if we don't help now, could affect the rest of his life. if he can't trust his mom and uses constant control on her, why wouldn't he do the same with the law? with his wife? his children? we are trying to help give him a life. yes, we do tough things now. like not letting him go to a family party tonight because of how awful he has been. but it's a consequence we chose to give to help motivate him. so we left him with a friend (another rad mom) that we know will follow through with our rules for cameron, (basically not being more nice than mom so he doesn't have more fuel against me as to why i'm the worst mom ever, and anyone else would be better than me :)) while we all went and enjoyed a family party. he doesn't get to play with friends, or see cousins, or anything right now. it's sad and hard. i would love to do those things. but we have to help the core relationship between my son and i first, before he can form other relationships. that way, they can be healthy and non-manipulative and controlled by him.


feeling so grateful for new hope and the women that run it. what amazing gifts they have... and a true love for the families they help each day. even though i've had many moments, wondering why we moved to utah, i am so grateful i have new hope so close. i feel so blessed.

been too long

i almost don't even know what to say, it has been so long since i've posted on here. (actually, my family blog has gone 3 months without hearing from me. so bad since it's my journal and family history records).

i wanted to write about something that happened at camp that i forgot to write in my last post. it is a moment i hope i never forget.

nancy thomas (the director of the camp) had us practice "cuddle time" with our kids. this is basically holding your kids like a baby (in the rocking position), having their hands placed against your back and another on your arm in front, and your arms wrapped around them as well. ideally, you feed them some sort of milk sugar (closest thing you can get to sweet milk/breast milk). so chocolate, caramels, etc. lots of loving eye contact, playfulness, etc. it's bonding time to rebuild those connections that weren't built when the kids were little (mostly for cameron and not my other kids). so, i pulled cameron up into my arms. even though nancy reminded us to try to keep this time "light" and fun, and not so emotional and heavy (if you can help it), i could NOT help it. tears started pouring out of my eyes as i looked at cameron in the eyes. i was filled with such a deep love for him. i often feel that love for my other children. but for cameron, it is much less often and far between. i could not help myself. i kept crying and crying. stroking his face and telling him some things i remembered about the day he was born and preparing for his coming to earth. i was so filled with emotion and love.

to my surprise, cameron started to have tears trickle down his face. it wasn't anything fake or phony. i could feel him taking in my love. i knew he felt it! i was thrilled. there have been several times where we are in a similar situation and i pray he can feel my love. but i can feel those walls up around his heart. and i know he doesn't feel any of it. but this time was different. it was amazing and the spirit was so strong.

it was time to switch to the next child (i now wish i would have kept cameron for longer). i moved on to isaac and then macey.

afterwards, my mom told me that when cameron was finished with cuddle time with me, he went and sat next to my mom while he waited to have cuddle time with dad. she said he was bawling. his crying did not stop. he was sobbing. she asked him what was wrong and he said, "i was just thinking about how hard it was for my mom to have me." he was so emotional and it was REAL!!! honestly, that one single moment made our trip to camp worth it. to have that moment of bonding with cameron was so worth the trip and money.

you have to understand, i don't have moments like that very often with him. like i said, i often have overwhelming feelings of love for my other children. but from day 1 with cameron, i did not have them very often at all. he was so hard for me and such a tough baby, that i rarely had those moments. they are getting much more often since starting this journey over a year ago. but we still have a lot of work to do!

we are settled in here in utah. we have had many bumps in the road. we had to take cameron out of school after 2 weeks because of finances. but we have worked it out and he started back a week ago, twice per week. he is kind of in a slump right now, and i'm trying to help him get out of it. but he is struggling to be motivated to come out of his slump. but we are trying to work it through with him.

i still feel and see so much hope in him. that one day, he will be able to handle his anxiety to be able to go to school and be successful. we are just trying to pave the best way for him to get there. and if that means homeschooling him until he is 15, i will do it.

i have had people question me why he isn't in school. he has a very hard time with the need to be perfect (to the point of meltdowns and paralyzing paranoia) and has so much anxiety, that a room full of kids would be very hard for him to focus. he is brilliant academically but pretty behind emotionally, and socially. so right now, we feel having him home is best, and in new hope, where there are limited kids and great teachers, that know him well, how he functions, and what he needs, to aid him in his healing.

i think sometimes people think this is what i want. it is not what i want. if i had it my way, he would be in school, having fun with friends, playing outside with the neighbor kids, going to friends houses, being a normal kid. but he isn't there yet. and i'm not going to let him just because i want it for him. it would actually do damage for him and this process to allow him to do these things at this point. he has to be ready for all of those things, otherwise, they will only aid him in going backwards. (and trust me. he has gone backwards lately and he has done none of those things yet). tyler and i are doing what we feel is best for cameron. and we always will... regardless of the price we pay and the judgements that are placed against us. cameron's healing far surpasses anything else we are worried about right now. and if that means keeping him out of school and away from other kids for 10 years, we will do it.

i'll update sooner next time. i swear! now onto updating my family page that is 3 months overdue!

Camp and Moving

I wish I would have kept up on this blog for the past few months. Life has been a whirlwind for us lately with going to RAD camp in Northern Washington and then moving to Utah right after. We found a place to live and have moved in and settled for the most part. It is a huge adjustment for me mostly! I still feel out of place, in transition, finding my norm, etc. I have come to learn that I don't do change very well, just like my Cami.

Cameron is doing pretty well, considering all of the change we have gone through. He attends New Hope during the week and I volunteer there once per week. I wish I could do more, but with three other kids at home, I don't really have that option at this point.

I'll go back to camp for a moment so I can document what I remember... wish I would have done this before now.

We spent 6 days up in Valley, Washington with our family at a family bonding camp, specifically for families that have kids with RAD. It was an awesome experience and so good for us to all attend together. My Mom flew in from Salt Lake to be there to help with our other kids since we wanted to be sure to get the most out of the seminars we would be attending there.

Nancy Thomas was amazing. She is seriously a gift sent from Heaven for people that have children that suffer from RAD. We did lots of family activities, and depending on the kids behavior and choices, they were able to participate. Cameron actually did very well at camp. But we expected that because of the all the work we have done during the past year. Isaac had spent a week at New Hope while we were in Utah, and so he was great at camp too. Macey was our challenging one. :) She would deliberately not listen to Mom or Dad (when we would ask her to fold her arms, or eat her breakfast, or come here, etc). So she spent a lot of time with the "Flight Check" crew. The Flight Check crew is basically there to take your kids from you when they aren't being obedient and respectful (at your expectation). They take them, try to get their brains to shift, have them process through what happened and what they can do to make it up to their parents). If it was during meal time, the children went to eat with the Flight Check crew during the remainder of the meal. They had lost the privilege of eating with the family. About half way during the week, the Flight Check crew starts turning that responsibility over to the parents to learn how to deal with it when it happens at home (and you can't have your kids go with the Flight Check crew). We really had done all of this before we went to camp. It's exactly what New Hope does, so we knew all about it. :) Well, Macey would be asked to do something, refuse to do it, pretend she didn't hear you, or whatever. So she would go with the Flight Check crew. She would comply once with the Flight Check crew and do her jumping jacks, tell them what she did, etc., come back and do the same thing 5 minutes later. So, after a day, they talked to me about "pouching her." Here is an explanation of it:

We are basically doing the same training we did with Cameron and Isaac, but with Macey now. Since she is so young, the way to "treat" the behavior issues is to carry them with you all of the time. They don't get any choices, privileges, etc. I chose to carry her in a Moby Wrap. You are ideally supposed to carry them for 4-6 hours per day, only getting out for about 30 minutes, twice per day, for exercise. You are even supposed to feed them their meals. Extreme? Yes. Can I do it exactly like that? NO! I have four kids. One suffering from RAD already, one 4 year old that is finally obedient and respectful, one two year old I carry around on my stomach all day, not to mention my 7 month old that should be carried a lot during the day too. So, I do what I can. :) I have basically come up with the plan that I need to just pouch her when she is defiant. If she starts to argue, throw a fit, ignore me, be sassy, she goes in "the pouch" for an hour or two. Then we get out and try again. We are also working through some things with Avery, so ideally, I should be "pouching" her for the same amount of hours each day.

Now, I am not SuperMom. Pouching a screaming, pinching, two year old (sometimes) can get very draining. I start to get ornery, cranky, lose patience, etc, which sort of defeats my whole purpose in all of this. So I have to take breaks, give myself some time, etc. So when she isn't pouched, she is in a boundary with an activity that I choose. Not her. She misses out on fun things like, playing at the splash park, playing with cousins and siblings, playing with fun toys and activities... this week she has missed out on all of that. Even running through a sprinkler with her brothers. But, until she is consistently obedient and respectful, she won't be participating in fun activities like that at all. Sounds extreme, right? It is, but IT WORKS! Eventually, she will decide she wants her independence and doesn't want to be stuck on or by Mom all day, every day. We just have to wait her out. So good for her!

We were at a family party a few weeks ago, and Macey said she wanted a brownie. I went to get her one, and a family friend offered Macey her brownie because she wasn't going to eat it. Macey snottily pushed the brownie away and said, "No." I gave her back the brownie and told her she could either choose that brownie or none. She rudely pushed it away again, and so I took it away and said, "Bummer Macey. I guess you don't want a brownie." She started to cry and get upset, and a few seconds later, I offered her the brownie again. She gladly accepted. :) People thought it was so sad and mean of me. But I am all done with the behaviors like that. If I don't put up with that from my other kids, why should I put up with it from my 2 1/2 year old? Yes, Cameron and Isaac are older. But I am not waiting until she is 5, like I did with Cameron. She KNOWS exactly what she is doing. When the Flight Check people would ask her what happened, she knew exactly what she had done that wasn't okay with Mom or Dad. She was deliberately disobeying.

No, Macey does not have RAD (although some days, I swear she does). But like the ladies at New Hope say, "Behavior is Behavior. You treat it the same." The difference is, Macey doesn't have fear behind these choices she is making. She does it because she is 2 and defiant and pushing boundaries. And YES, she is head strong, feisty, and spunky. She doesn't have any big feelings behind the choices. No fear of losing control like Cameron had. No fear behind the tantrums. No scary raging. Only 2 year old defiance. :) She will learn a lot quicker than Cameron did. :)

So I am pretty worn out a lot of the time, not nearly as patient, and don't live my "perfect, quiet life" that I sort of had in Washington. I have learned that I need to put the fun back into life and learn to be able to deal with the stresses of daily life. I can't live in my house with church music playing all day and never go anywhere. Just like Cameron needs to learn to function in society, I do too. So, I am learning and being stretched again... growing and being challenged in experiencing daily stress, like the rest of the world. (Yes, I am pretty sure I have a disorder too). :) I have even thought about getting on some medication (which is SO NOT like me). But just to help with my anxiety, stress, and depression. Yes, I admitted it. I have struggled with depression my entire life. I just don't think I ever realized it until recently. I am struggling with not being perfect, having my house picked up and dishes done all of the time. But when I have a 2 1/2 year old, screaming while I am holding her (and even when she isn't screaming and fighting me), I find it hard to get much done with her on the front of me. When I'm not pouching her, I am usually feeding Avery or pouching her, or just taking a break. So I am not nearly as caught up on my house as I'd like to be. In fact, my laundry has been sitting on my couch for like 2 days, waiting to be folded, with another load in the dryer, waiting to be taken out and folded.

So overall, we are adjusting. Cameron is working through the change of moving here and has had some stomach aches, which I am almost POSITIVE are linked to his anxiety. But overall, he is doing pretty well, and functioning pretty well at school.

I still have so much hope for him, with all of the progress I have seen over the past year. I am so grateful to be in Utah where we have a little more support. I know I am doing things differently (some people actually think it's crazy), but I know it is what is best for my family. :) That's all that matters.

coming up for air

i can't believe i've been home for a month. actually, i'm not even sure how long i have been home from our second trip to utah for help. but i am pretty sure it has been over a month. :)


we have had a lot of miracles since we have been home. i wish i would have written them down as they happened. i did find an email i sent to kasey about one miracle i watched happen. i want to have it documented for this journal.


cameron was working on some math today. he got two problems incorrect and freaked about it. started crying, getting mad that i told him they weren't correct. he blamed himself and said how stupid he was and how he always gets things wrong. when he tried to "boss" me about it, saying he knew they weren't incorrect, i said something like, "are you telling me that you are right, and the book is wrong?" he said, "no." i talked to him about how we don't have to be perfect, and it's okay to have to correct work. after he calmed down and corrected the simple errors, he said to me, "mom, when you said, 'are you telling me that you are right and the book is wrong?', "i felt kind of stupid." it felt so sincere from him! i pulled him in my arms and told him i was sorry and my intention was not to make him feel stupid. i told him i loved him and he was not stupid at all and that he didn't have to feel that way. he got big tears in his eyes and burst into tears. it was SO sincere! we hugged for a while and i told him everything was okay and told him how good it was to share feelings politely, rather than acting them out and getting so angry and letting it ruin his day.

a few minutes after, he went to eat lunch, and came back and asked if he could just go lay on his bed for a while. i asked if he needed a break, and he said, yes. he went in his room and laid in bed for a few minutes, came back out and came straight to me and gave me a hug. i was a little worried he was trying to manipulate. but when he asked a moment later to color a picture, i said i wanted him to do one more sheet of math... he said, "yes mom" and was happy to do it. i then tested him... i told him we were going to do the art activity after quiet time (he was a little upset earlier when i told him he might have to wait until after quiet time)... he said, "okay mom" and went on with his math!

what??!?!?! this was a miracle! the fact that he pulled himself out of his kind of "fit," and then ASKED to go to his room to rest... and then was willing to work on what i wanted him to when he came out! amazing!!!!!!! and we got some great bonding in there during all of it. so cute!!!!

just thought i'd share. i hope i did okay! i felt it was so sincere from him... he really was feeling sad and expressed that. LOVE IT!

now to some of you, this may seem ridiculous. but you have to understand that this was a HUGE step for cameron. normally, when he starts to have meltdowns about things, he goes into a screaming fit or rage, blaming me (which he did a little bit of, but he also blamed himself, which RARELY happens and is great for him), and i normally have to tell him he needs to go rest on his bed or lay on a blanket to relax. that usually (or used to) make him even MORE mad, and he'd scream and yell and freak out even more. then he would be mad for hours and sometimes days... where he couldn't snap out of his "funk" and wouldn't care about doing anything, wouldn't want to do anything he was asked to do, etc. so, the fact that HE asked to go to his room was AMAZING! he knew he was getting frustrated and rather than blowing, he knew he needed to just take a break and go be alone. SO GOOD!!!! 

we have had a few other miracles, like cameron getting sick! now most mom's wouldn't be excited about this. (and usually, i'm not excited about it either). but when cameron gets sick, i get EXCITED! kids with rad hardly EVER get sick. and if they do, it's like a tiny stuffy nose for a day. (at least for cameron). the rest of the house could be down and out, and he is still running around like a maniac (before we went to new hope, of course). but tyler brought a nasty chest cold home from work and cameron got it!!!! the ladies at new hope say that it's a great sign when they start to get sick. it means they are healing. they start to actually be somewhat in tune with their bodies to know they are sick and allow their body to be sick. cameron actually had a low-grade fever for 2 days! 2 days!!! i cannot even remember the last time cameron had a fever. maybe when he was about a year old with his 8th ear infection. honestly. that's probably the last time he had a fever! with this chest cough, he laid on the couch for a day and a half. that was a miracle!

we have also had some great, tender, bonding moments since we got home. i can't think of an specifics (dang it) but he has been so cute with me. lots of little things... kissing me randomly on the cheek or the hand, rubbing my arm, just little signs of affection that he NEVER did before, unless he wanted something to go his way. it's so weird to have him giving me random bits of affection, but i am LOVING it! it's so cute and so sincere!

so, in other news (we have had a lot going on here), we are moving. TO UTAH! i never thought i'd be excited to say that. but i am. the reason? two words for you. new hope.

when i was in utah, i had such a strong impression (several actually) that we needed to be in utah. cameron needed to be in new hope 2, i needed to become more involved at new hope, etc. we needed to get there. yeah, it sounded nice. but did i really think it was going to happen? i doubted it big time!

while i was in utah, i got onto tyler's company's website and looked up job openings, only to find an opening for an RTL (rehab team leader- which is what tyler does up here... basically, manages the rehab team at a nursing home), at a brand new facility in south jordan. a NON-NURSING HOME! just a short-term rehab center where patients come after being at a hospital, before they are ready to go home. i emailed the job listing to tyler and said something like, "i really feel like you should look into this." he felt he should to, and pursued it.

a few weeks later, he came down to pick me and the kids up in utah to help us drive back home, (don't i have an awesome man?) and he arranged to have an interview at the facility for the job. he had been told they couldn't make any promises and that they had a TON of applicants. his interview lasted 2 1/2 hours and two days later, we drove home to washington. we were SO anxious for several weeks, while we waited to hear back about the job. i was pretty optimistic about it (which is weird, because i tend to be a pessimist) but as the days passed, i grew more pessimistic and doubted tyler would be offered the job. but, about 2 weeks ago, his company called, with an offer for him, saying the facility (who is owned by a different company than tyler works for... his company is just contracted in to do their rehab for them), really wanted to hire him and was really impressed with him. bummer part is, we are taking a big pay cut. over 10%. huge bummer. utah is really easy for them to recruit to... pasco, washington on the other hand... super hard to recruit to! therefore, they pay way more in pasco than they do in utah. but we have felt all along that we would be moving and that we would be taking this job, regardless of the pay. so after some negotiations (their original offer was more like a 13% pay cut), we accepted and we are leaving in about 3 weeks. still no place to live. but we are going.


we have a lot of mixed emotions right now... at least i do. i am obviously bummed about taking a pay cut... and not sure how that is even going to work out. cost of living in the salt lake area is quite a bit more than the tri-cities, and we will be spending more in general on gas and going to and from new hope. but we really feel peace about our decision and know it is what is best. we feel like a whole new set of trials await us in utah. one of the biggest being, friends and family. it has actually been quite nice to be here, secluded in pasco, where we can live our life and not many people question us about the why's, how's and when's of what we do with cameron. it's quite complicated stuff, and very hard to understand. especially if you have any sort of "attachment" to cameron. so we will be dealing with that square in the face. if cameron is going to heal, he cannot be around anyone that will let him manipulate in any way, shape, or form (especially at first). it is me (his mom) that he is trying to build trust with. so if anyone gives him ANYTHING that his mom won't normally give him OR they don't ask me first, he literally believes he is manipulating them to get it. i have been pretty stressed about being around family members because to cameron, the smallest thing is manipulating for him. like, getting a hug from someone. cameron knows that right now, it's best for mom and dad to be in charge of affection (one of his biggest ways to manipulate). so, if he see's a grandma or aunt and they come and give him a hug, deep inside, he thinks he just controlled them into giving him a hug with his charm. i know, it sounds insane. i didn't believe it either. until i saw him using affection with others day in and day out to push me away, hurt my feelings, win over others. he loves to "engage" people... if he can get you to give him any sort of attention (if he looks over at you and smiles and you come over and talk to him), in his mind, he manipulated that. so, i know how ridiculous that sounds... so let me illustrate a conversation i had with cameron a few days ago...


cameron was in a really good place. he wasn't being manipulative, he was happy. so i decided to try something... i asked him what manipulating means. he gave me a response that was something like this:


"when i ask someone for something that my mom doesn't know about or without asking her first."


hmmmm...


my next question, "who let's you manipulate?"


he then listed off just about every person's name in our extended family. aunts, uncles, grandma's, grandpa's, etc. he even gave EXAMPLES as to when he had manipulated them. i asked him if kasey and lauralee let him manipulate. his response? 


"no."


i just kind of sat there and listened (thinking inside, "oh my word") and then casually changed the subject. 


so do you see how unhealthy that is for him? if he has an addiction to controlling others and situations around him, it wouldn't be healthy for him to be around people on a regular basis that allow any sort of control. now, as a grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, whoever, it is very hard. you have to give up what you want to do. you have to give up what makes sense (because you just need to love them more if they have problems, right?) wrong. not for rad. you have to give up what you want, for what is best for the child. it plain stinks sometimes. but the miracles we have witnessed in doing this at home has been well worth the trial. cameron is in the process of attaching to me as his mother. this single relationship between a child and his mother will affect ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE! if the child cannot trust the mother, he will trust no one. so we are trying to help him from the beginning, most basic relationship, so that he can have healthy relationships in the future. the road to getting there is not an easy one though. not at all.


okay, i'm rambling. 


on another note (so i can ramble some more), this new hope 2 thing is tough for me. very humbling actually. it's not nearly as "black and white" as new hope 1 was. consequences for everything. very basic. it was my comfort zone. i got the the point where i felt like, "wow. i am a completely different mom. i feel like i am calm, collected, so nice to my kids all the time, never raise my voice." i loved it. well, new hope 2 brings on some stress. some, not so black and white, and "real life" mixed in. me and stress don't do so well together. so i am making mistakes, i have raised my voice, i am not perfect. i have been frustrated way more than i was before. but like kasey told me, perfect is not healthy and doesn't work. so it is so good for me to be getting bits and pieces of real life back in, so i can learn to deal with all of it. (remember how i told you, this journey is just as much for me as it is cameron. actually, it's more for me than him). so, no one has been quite as settled since we got home... and neither have i. the stress and unknowns of moving, packing, going to rad camp in a few weeks (and then leaving two days later to move to utah), sick kids, etc., has been so tough for me to remain "centered," calm, etc. but it's real life, right? if i have everything perfect and calm and quiet all of the time, how on earth would my kids ever learn how to deal with life when they get outside of the home? we all have to learn how to cope with it and adjust to different circumstances. 


okay. i'm done i think. but my next goal is to write down my story. i'm talking details. everything i can remember. what things contributed to cameron having rad, what life was like with cameron as a baby, toddler, etc.... for those people who may be concerned their child doesn't have a healthy attachment... things to watch for. because these kids get worse with age. and they don't "grow out of it" like other kids do. i want to document everything i can remember about life before we found help. i'll even post stories on here that are on my family blog about getting kicked out of stores, yelled at, lectured by people about how to discipline cameron. (those are fun). :)


sorry this post wasn't put together well. i just haven't been on top of the blog but wanted to write about several things. so wish me luck the next few weeks... packing and moving my family's and my life down to utah for our next adventure!

Scenes from New Hope

I was lucky enough to go to dinner with these ladies a few nights ago. It was so much fun and the food was awesome. I forgot to take pictures that night, so we took some the next afternoon (yesterday) after all of the kids had left the center.

These are the ladies from New Hope that helped to show me a new way of life. Truly, a new hope. :)

Kasey and LauraLee with me and my sister, Heather

Adding the kids in. Kasey (holding Heather's twin boy Ethan), LauraLee with her baby Caden, me with Avery, Heather with her twin girl, Sydney

Isaac and I playing a game

Interactive play with polly dolls

Free, creative play on the chalkboard

More from yesterday

I told them it was about time I had a picture of them for my blog journal. :)

Thank you again... for everything!

Long Overdue

I have been trying to write this post for 3 days now... I have been so busy at New Hope every day, that I haven't had a chance. So much has been going on and I am long overdue for a post about my RAD journey. We finished our second week at New Hope 2 with me being in charge of the four kids that attend New Hope 2 this past Friday. It was a good but tough experience for me. I enjoyed working downstairs for the day and being on my own. The hardest part has been having Avery attached to my hip (and let's be honest, my chest). She is so used to being at home, in bed, for 3 naps per day, and at pretty much the same time each day. So she isn't too happy to be sleeping in her car seat, with things going on around her. She is a light sleeper (because it's always quiet when she's sleeping). I spent yesterday in charge of New Hope 2 kids again. It was definitely easier than my first time. Cameron continues to do well in New Hope 2 and I have learned a lot about how to help him progress into the next stage of his healing.

My other two kids have spent most of their time with my in laws. The first weekend we were here, Isaac went to St. George with cousins and Macey came to my parents to be with me. It was not fun. She was pretty sassy and awful to me... refusing to do what I asked, yelling at me, hitting me, screaming fits. Not fun. The next weekend, both Isaac and Macey came back to spend a few days with me at my parents. It was nothing short of a nightmare and brought me back to how I lived the first 5 1/2 years of motherhood. They were screaming, yelling, hitting, refusing to do what I asked them to do, disrespectful, disobedient. It was awful. I was irritated beyond belief. They wouldn't stay in bed, wouldn't be quiet, etc. I was so NOT patient and calm like I usually am. Part of the problem was the small space we were sharing... Cameron, Isaac, Macey, and I, all sharing one room. Not too fun for bed time. It has also been tough staying with my parents (who have moved to a smaller home) and my grandparents, who live in the upstairs of the home. So I get super stressed about my kids behavior and bothering other people. So needless to say, I have been stressed, and my kids definitely feed off of that. I was a stress case this past weekend. Thank goodness my parents and grandparents are pretty supportive and don't get too annoyed by the behaviors we are trying to get rid of.

Cameron's teacher knew how stressed I was and how naughty my two younger kids were... she called me on Sunday and suggested Isaac come in to New Hope this week. (Yes. She is an angel, calling me on a Sunday afternoon while she was on vacation and happened to see my Facebook status that I was exhausted). She even offered (well, demanded :) ) for me to go to her home with my kids to have some space for a few hours, before she came home. (Yep. She is heaven-sent).

It is interesting... I planned to be here about 2 weeks. (But my gut told me I'd be here for more like 3 weeks from the very beginning). I wanted to go home the weekend before last. But for some reason, I just didn't feel right about it. I didn't know why. But I just felt like it wasn't the right time. Well, now I know why. Isaac came in for the first time on Monday. He screamed, yelled, hit, kicked, and even tried to bite one of the teacher's twice. (They expect kids to follow instructions here pretty exactly... he didn't want to. Something as simple as, coloring a picture, but facing away from the other kids so he didn't distract them from their work, sitting quietly facing the wall for 4 minutes when he wasn't listening, etc).  He was just not willing to do. For 2 days, he wanted to boss and be in charge and tell the adults what to do. It's great practice for school in another year and a half. He was horrendous two days in a row, and we were all surprised by how long he put up a fight. He learned a lot from living with Cameron for 3 1/2 years before we got help. He had a lot of anger inside that he needed to release. After the two days of awful behavior, he mellowed and has been so much happier since.

No. Isaac does not have RAD. Thanks goodness! The difference between him and Cameron??? When we came to New Hope last summer, Cameron had much more rage and hatred behind his need to control. His went way deeper, was more conniving, had a sort of "evil" feeling and great fear behind his need to control. Isaac's is more of just a "I have to do this because I have watched it for so long, so this is what I am supposed to do when I am mad and want attention" feeling behind it. But he has had some serious anger here with me.

On Isaac's second day here, as I was trying to get him to calm down, I lost it. After 40 minutes of waiting for him to hold still and be quiet with his mouth for 10 seconds, I just started to cry. LauraLee had me reading scriptures out loud to help calm him. He was winding down and completely exhausted from the fight he was putting up for so long. I couldn't believe how hard he was fighting. It made me really sad and brought back a lot of feelings from last summer when Cameron first started here. Not fun. Isaac eventually fell asleep from exhaustion, listening to LauraLee read from the Book of Mormon. He certainly had a lot of anger that has built up. It's a good thing we worked on getting a lot of it out now, rather than later.

We have also discovered that Isaac has an intolerance to dairy and gluten. I have always known he doesn't do well with milk. He has always had digestive issues... since birth. His intolerance to gluten could be a contributing factor to his behavior and moodiness. If he doesn't feel well most of the time, it could be playing a part in some of the behavior he has. So we started him on a gluten-free diet a few days ago. :)

I am going home on Saturday. I feel total peace with it, although I am sad. I am so anxious to get home to Tyler and be in our own house again.... I do much better when it's my own space and not interfering with other people and their space. But I am also sad to be without New Hope again. It is so refreshing to be with people that know how to deal with the behaviors my kids have and know how to help them.  Not only do I learn from them, but I get a break from having to do it all on my own. It's an amazing thing. Thank you Kasey and LauraLee for letting me come back!

When I first came last summer, I thought, "Okay, sweet. We have all we need and now I'm all done with learning." I had no idea how much more there is to learn and what a journey this truly is. I kind of felt like a failure at first, needing to come back here for more help. But I wanted to... and when Kasey suggested it, I had the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. The moment I decided to come, I literally felt lighter. I knew it was the the right choice. Not just the right choice, but the best choice! I had the same weight lifted when I decided to stay an extra week, even though I wanted to go home. I felt the very same weight lifted when Kasey called me on Sunday, when my kids were being so awful and suggested that I bring Isaac in. Part of me was sad... I was about to bring him back to my in laws and was looking forward to a break from him and how terrible he had been treating me. But I knew deep down inside that I needed to bring him. This was the reason I was supposed to stay in Utah an extra week. Isaac needed to go to New Hope. As soon as I decided it, I felt a huge weight lifted again. Amazing how that works.

I am so blessed to have been able to spend another few weeks here at New Hope. I am so grateful to have found this support system here, with wonderful people at the head of it. There really isn't anything better than the overwhelming feeling of being truly blessed and unbelievably thankful to my Father in Heaven. It's the peace I had been looking for, for so long... but couldn't find on my own. So blessed!

New Hope 2

Cameron is doing well. He is in the "New Hope 2" program that they just started about a month ago here.

"New Hope 1" is very structured and tight. They work with the kids to teach them to understand boundaries, to let go of their anger and to trust adults. It is what we have been doing for the past 8 1/2 months.

At "New Hope 2," they still have the same expectations of respect and obedience. But they have more freedom. It's not quite as structured and strict... more like a classroom setting. So they start to open up the boundaries a little bit for them... as much as they can handle it and still be obedient and respectful. They get to do some activities together as a group and start to interact with other children. They are taught how to interact appropriately. Remember, this is a relationship disorder... they do not know how to be socially appropriate with other people without feeling that need to "control" them. It's more of a transitional place to help them prepare to go to public school, have friends over, go to a friend's house, etc.

Cameron is much softer this time around. He isn't fighting for the control frantically like he was here at New Hope last summer. He isn't angry and doesn't freak when they correct him on behaviors or work he does. He actually told me this morning that he liked Kasey. WHAT?

He has been experiencing a lot of anxiety here though. I think he is struggling with handling the differences between how I run our house, how New Hope 1 is run (which is upstairs here at New Hope), and how New Hope 2 is run (which is downstairs here at New Hope). He wants to do everything perfectly and panics that he isn't doing it "correctly" or "perfectly." But he is learning to relax and settle inside. He is handling simple school work, group activities, and corrections pretty well. I have gotten feedback from his teachers that I have done great with him at home and that he is healing. YAY!

Keep in mind, this is a LONG process. Just because Cameron has a good day, or a good week, doesn't mean he is better. It is a long, difficult, and painful journey for him and us, as his parents. It is a roller coaster and marathon. It is very "up and down" for him. I always think it's funny when people say, "I hope he gets better sooner versus later." It's a marathon. Not a sprint. And I did say the same thing at first. I just wanted him better. I wanted this process to be 6-12 months like the therapist told us. But it hasn't been. And it won't be. It's not like we magically hit the 6 month, 1 year, 2 year, or 4 year mark and BOOM, he is better. It takes as long as it needs to take, and I have accepted that now. And he will probably struggle with some things for the rest of his life.

But he is doing so well here, and I am doing so well. It really make me want to move to Utah. I love the feeling here at New Hope. It is so calm and peaceful. I love working with the other kids too. I still have some learning to do, but I love it here. I have been bringing Avery with me almost every day. I need to be here. I want to be here. Someday. :)

I used to think I wanted to be a Personal Trainer. I thought that was my passion and love in life. Teaching other people how to exercise and eat well and get into shape. I still love this and would love to do it one day. But I am starting to realize that my other passion is going to be helping other people who have children with RAD and other behavior issues. I would love to live down here and spend time at the school helping. Like I said.... someday!