i've been debating posting about this. it's something that i'm really sensitive about right now. but i'm living it daily and have been for the past 3 weeks. it feels like the rest of my life is pretty much on hold right now while i deal with rad. so here is my journal entry about it so far:
cameron has had behavior issues for a long time. his whole life pretty much. always very independent, opinionated, head strong, willing to fight to the death to get what he wants. he was so exhausting (mostly the arguing) that i'd end up letting him have way more control than i wanted. but fighting him about it was so much work. and some things, i just chose not to fight. small things like not making him wear underwear because he refused. he was wearing pants, right? good enough. there have been so many days where i've turned to tyler at 8:00 in the morning and said, "I AM EXHAUSTED! AND ITS 8 AM!!!!" i always assumed it was just his personality up until a few months ago when things started getting worse. other things have happened that really got me thinking that something was really wrong. very wrong. it was not the first time i've said, "something is wrong!" but it was the first time that i really realized we needed to get help.
my sister told me about a friend here in utah that deals with children that suffer from rad (reactive attachment disorder). it mostly happens in children that are adopted and never had a healthy attachment to a mother. but it does happen in biological children. so my sister talked to her friend kasey about cameron and some of his symptoms, and she told heather that she wanted me to bring him in when i got to utah. we made some arrangements and i assumed we'd meet for a few hours one day, get some advice, and be done. move on with the rest of our planned vacation. well, it hasn't turned out that way. the complete opposite actually.
cameron has spent HOURS at this academy or school. basically, cameron is in the process of being diagnosed with a mild to moderate reactive attachment disorder. the facility or school he has been in is like a behavior bootcamp. the basics of this disorder are: babies have basic needs. food, clothing, shelter, love, etc. when some babies don't feel that their needs are being totally met, they go into "control" mode or fight or flight syndrome. they always feel the need to be in control of everything around them to survive. they don't trust. so they put all the pressure on themselves to control their world and others. now, some kids have similar behaviors. lots of kids manipulate, steal, lie, threaten, argue constantly, etc. but it's the motivation that makes the difference. children who suffer from rad do these things out of fear and control. normal children just "test limits and boundaries." these kids will fight way harder and it's like a nightmare to get them to give in or give up. so the therapist we've been seeing and the facility that works with the children pretty much take away all of their control and put it into the hands of the parents (the way it should be, right?). most kids, you can negotiate with. you can let them choose certain things. but kids with rad take it to the extreme. any foot they can get in the door, or even a toe, they will try to manipulate over and over again until their entire body is in the door if you aren't careful. so they take all of that control away, strip them down (and they literally do not know who they are without living in "control" mode), and teach them how to live in the proper part of their brain. the calm, creative side. lots of practice doing reading, writing, math skills, hand/eye skills. things that were never developed because of their need to be in constant "control" and "survival mode." his teacher told me that giving up any part of control for them is like giving a piece of themselves away. it is so hard for these kids. now, cameron isn't nearly as severe as some of these other children and it only took him a few days to get the rules down, to stop screaming at the teachers, and to start complying with what they were asking him to do. some kids take weeks just to jump on a mini trampoline instead of stand there when asked to jump on it. now, he still plays lots of games of trying to get his way or some small part of control in everything. but at least he hasn't screamed or yelled lately. i feel greatful that he's only a mild child compared to so many others. i don't even know how those parents do it because cameron is a handful!
the therapist told me it will probably be 6-12 months before cameron is healed, and can regularly live in the calm, creative part of his brain, instead of fighting to live in the control part. we have good days and bad days. the good days are so encouraging. the bad days are more than discouraging and emotional for me. but i'm working on not letting him "get" to me. i need to let him choose the kind of day he has and not be annoyed or upset when he's not complying or behaving. but pretty much, we practice being in the "calm" mode as much as possible every day, so that eventually, it becomes natural and part of him. but it will take a long time. he may not even be able to handle school at the end of august. it's too much for so many kids because they immediately try to control everything and everyone around them. and when they are trying to "heal" from this literal addiction, you avoid letting them be in situations like that until they are ready to be there without them trying to figure out how to control everything there.
it is super complicated and very difficult for people to understand from the "outside" world. my first day at the facility, i cried and cried and cried. it was so emotional to watch cameron fighting and refusing to do what they asked. or only doing what they asked "part way" (which is soooo common with these kids). any way they can to be in control and do it their own way, they will do it!
so here is to the road of healing for cameron and i. more than his behaviors, i have wanted my relationship with him healed. i want to have that bond with him that i've never had before. i want to connect with him and not have him battle me over everything. i want us to get along and love to be with each other. we have already seen so many improvements with his behavior, obedience, humility, and calmness like i've never seen! he exhibits some behaviors now that are like that of a small child and i can't believe how calm he is. never before, was cameron EVER calm!
this process has not only been refining for cameron, but more for me. i am gaining so much confidence in my ability as a mother. cameron controlled my world for so long. well, he controlled our entire family's world. not healthy. he had way too much freedom and not enough boundaries. i have learned that being consistent is so important no matter how hard it is (especially with kids like cameron that will argue and fight to the death to get what they want or think they need). i have learned that i am a good mom. i do enjoy being a mom. the people at the facility he goes to say a child like cameron is the same as having ten children. they require so much attention and are literally exhausting. i am learning new ways of being a mom that i never thought possible. i have more authority than i ever have and my kids are respecting me more. it's a wonderful feeling to feel like the one in control. i am learning a lot about myself spiritually as well, as i am having to rely 100% on the Lord. i know he can heal cameron without any help here on Earth from anyone. but i feel it is so important to do what we are doing. so important for cameron, but mostly for me. so here we are in utah... 3 days after we planned to go home with dad. i'm staying until i feel like i'm ready to be on this journey in washington without the help of cameron's school. hopefully i feel ready before too long. i'm so grateful for my family and tyler's for their support. and for the women at new hope academy and cameron's therapist (he's mostly my therapist). i have been so blessed.
