CAMP REVOLUTION

so i'm going to try and make this post quick but informative...

we need your help! my little family of 6 has decided to attend CAMP REVOLUTION this summer. it's a camp that is specifically designed for families that have children that suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder (which my oldest son does). however, the price tag is quite large. (several thousand dollars). we really feel we need to continue to be educated and get help for cameron. we have been told by the ladies at new hope that these camps are amazing and life changing.

we took a leap of faith, and signed up, and put our deposit down, even though we really don't know how the money thing will work out.

we are asking for your help.

there are two ways you can donate:

1. PAYPAL

we've created a donations link on the right-side of our blog (my rad blog and family blog) through paypal. (it's labeled DONATE). keep in mind, there is a fee that one of us has to pay if you donate through paypal. you can choose to pay that fee, or have it come out of my paypal account (your donation amount). also, it will not be an anonymous donation if you use paypal. i will be able to see in my paypal account who has donated money and how much they donated.

2. SEND A CHECK TO PAM (the woman in charge of our camp)

pam will keep this information anonymous. we will be unaware of who sent money and how much. we will only know the "balance" of our account that we owe for camp revolution. so if you, or someone you know would like to donate, but would like it to be anonymous (or you just don't want to use paypal), here is the address where you can send your donation.

OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits, Inc.

c/o Camp Revolution

3607 Solokar Road #1

Loon Lake, WA 99148

please make your checks payable to: OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits

when your donation is received, pam will take that money out of the balance our family owes.

just put our family name on your check somewhere to let them know it is for the dansie family.

we have to have our balance paid off by may 1st.

we know many of you aren't able to donate. we understand and don't expect it. but we thought we would do the uncomfortable, and ask for help. we truly appreciate those who are willing and able to help us continue to give cameron opportunities to heal through donating to this cause.

thank you so much for your help!

a fantastic week... for me

it's been one of those weeks... in a good way!

the funniest part is, it was a really rough week for cameron. he's been very back and forth. and then had two really bad days in a row. the difference was, i let myself still have great days. i didn't get emotionally caught up with his choices and behaviors. i wasn't irritated, frustrated, annoyed, in the LEAST! the fact that he was raging, yelling, screaming, kicking, whining, crying, throwing tantrums, doing terribly pathetic jumping jacks, not saying "yes mom" or "no mom," which is an expectation of respect in our house (for him especially). i just let it all roll off my back, gave him consequences, and zero privileges, and made sure to "fill up" with affection and playing with my other kids. i just let cameron make his choices, held my expectations super high of him, and let him choose. and after two days, he was HAPPY! the happiest i've seen him in months!

really... i would go to him when he was doing jumping jacks to tell me he had a "need," and almost every time, he had a little smile on his face. my jaw dropped i think. he has NEVER had a smile on his face (a sincere child-like one), while doing jumping jacks. he knew he was doing excellent jumping jacks like i expected him to. i had to hold myself back from jumping for joy, kissing him all over, being so excited for him. i knew that would send him right back down the tunnel of hell that he came from. so i said things like, "i notice you have decided to do good jumping jacks today cameron." and "is that a smile on your face?" i said to him, "you have been smiling a lot today." he looked at me, smiled, and said, "i know. i don't know why!"

it lasted... for most of the day.... i played a game of memory with him which he handled great. then we spent a few minutes just talking with avery and looking at her with all the kids. i could see him starting to get that look back in his eyes. and i was sad for him. we attempted a memory game with me and all the kids. it ended early. he started to go down his spiral... it's the end of the day though. we will see where he is tomorrow. maybe angry again. who knows. but i saw him! the real cameron today! and i was thrilled. but if he decides to be the angry, guarded cameron tomorrow... let it be. i'm still going to have a great weekend!

i had so many moments this week of awe. awe of how much i love my life now. how grateful i am for four beautiful children. and one especially that is "my refiner" as kasey calls these radishes. he truly is in my life to teach me... through some interesting ways. but i have been so grateful this week for this trial i have with cameron. grateful for all i am learning. grateful for the love i have developed for him. grateful for the things i have learned and the way i run my house now...

you know, it's interesting. i always wanted to raise my kids like this. i always wanted to turn the tv off. i never wanted my kids to watch much tv or movies. never wanted them to play video games. i wanted to play games together. to have children that were respectful and listened the first time they were asked. to love my children and be filled with that pure love of christ when i look at them. to have a home full of peace and love. to feel the spirit daily. to have 95% of my days be good and uplifting (100% would be nice, but comon)! until these last 6 months, my house and life was pretty much the opposite of all of this. i was even letting the way my children ate go down the drain. i'm a health fanatic, and at one point, last winter, we were going to the mcdonalds playground once per week. now some people might do that, and that's fine. but if you know me, you KNOW that is NOT ME! but i was beyond losing it. i was gone. i was as out of control as cameron. i had no authority, no peace, not much love, and just chaos. and then i got pregnant. and i was not happy. (and that is an understatement). that sounds awful, but i was. how in the world was i going to do all of this WITH ANOTHER ONE!!! i am beyond grateful to my heavenly father for the tender mercy he sent me of learning the things i have learned BEFORE i had avery. i had a really good handle on things before she arrived. for that, i am thankful every day.

i now live the life that i always wanted. peace, love, calm, uplifting. bottom line... i cannot be happier with the way my life is right now.

whew

where has the time gone? in so many ways, times flies by for me. but in so many ways, it crawls!

so how has my RADish been? up and down. up and down. up and down. the key is for me to not go up and down with him.

the holidays sucked. they got way worse when we put up our christmas tree. we had sacrificed EVERYTHING over the holidays. no halloween. (not that i minded. i hate the holiday. i'm not even sure why they call it a holiday). thanksgiving couldn't really be anxiety and stress free. i had a baby. (a really cute one too). we had tyler's mom here for a week and my mom here. we didn't do anything different. we did the same stuff with cameron. we kept it as simple as possible with a new baby in the house and people visiting. kept our outings few and far between and short-lived. 2 weeks before christmas, we got a small tree. i decorated it very simply by myself. not long after we put it up, cameron really started digressing. he started being really mouthy, disrespectful, rude, just mean. and really mad. mad over the fact that he wasn't in charge. he started pushing boundaries even more. i knew it was because we put the tree up. he could feel my stress about his choices lately too. i just wanted the holidays to be over so we could get him back on track! we kept presents simple too. one puzzle, one book for each child. a dollhouse to share. they opened a pair of jammies christmas eve. that's it. no big, loud, obnoxious toys. nothing too overstimulating. but i was wrong... it was too overstimulating.

we took the tree down christmas night. i was so ready to get things back to normal so cameron could settle down and pull out of his fight for survival and control. the funny thing is, he did! he was so much different the next day.

but we took a step back a few days ago. yesterday was the worst day he has had in a while. i noticed that recently, he hasn't been saying, "yes mom" like he is supposed to, has been more talkative (his talking that is for control over situations, to be the center of everything). it just wasn't feeling good to me. so i decided to go back to square one yesterday. pull all of his control away. and he freaked. i was shocked he didn't rage. but he was mad. really mad. i didn't let him have any choices. i made him do jumping jacks every time he didn't say, "yes mom." or "no mom," instead of "yeah." or "ok." i brought my standards back up super high (i should have never let them drop. somehow with a new baby, christmas, i wasn't as calm inside, and i didn't even really notice that i wasn't expecting as much out of him). i think this is what caused his spiral downfall that i was starting to notice. he wasn't settled during the holidays. but once that tree went up, he started downward (was good for a week or so afterwards), and then started falling even more. so once i tightened those boundaries on him big time, he was mad at me. oh well!

i've been talking with the girls at new hope a lot recently. with some of the things i was noticing about cameron. his food stuff... saving food if he really liked it for the next day (as if he's afraid it's never coming back), asking for more food, etc. (sounds normal, but again, he does this all in need for "control"). we also have some good consequences for his bathroom issues. after his clogging the toilet wasn't working for control anymore, he started waiting until the last minute to go to the bathroom (pee). he has always done this to an extent. but i noticed he was waiting until the last minute. BIG TIME. to the point that by the time he'd do his jumping jacks to ask to use the bathroom, and got into the bathroom, he was peeing everywhere. all over my shower curtain, twice. well, when he does that, he gets to do wash. so he was washing my entire shower curtain and his clothes. it took him a long time. like we're talking a few hours. to wring out a shower curtain until it's not dripping? and SEVERAL times. not just once. so after that happened a few times, and he wasn't quitting the behavior of waiting so long to pee, i asked lauralee what to do. she said to have him take toilet time every hour. where he has to go sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every hour. she said to tell him, "i can tell you have a need to practice going to the bathroom. i can give that to you." so i set the timer (we set timers like CRAZY in this house), and he sits there for 10 minutes. after the second time, i found what i KNEW he would do... opened the door to check on him... his pants were down and he was standing in front of the mirror. i said, "oh, i can see you need more practice with sitting." and i gave him a 30 minute session in the bathroom instead of the normal 10. all because he wanted to do it "his way" and not the way i asked him to do it. i have to make the consequence worse than his need and want to "control" (even in small things like trying to trick me by standing in front of the mirror while in "toilet time" instead of sitting on the toilet like i asked him to). it's working though. he doesn't get the chance to wait until the last minute to pee because he gets a chance to go every hour! lauralee is a genius!

he lied to me too... about needing toilet paper. said he pooped (remember i take the toilet paper out and he only gets a certain amount). yeah, he told me he had pooped. he didn't. but he did have poop that needed to be cleaned up on him. i made him "pay" for the toilet paper. he owed me jumping jacks. and he owed me more jumping jacks for lying.

i have to be SO SPECIFIC with cameron. i can't leave ANY gray area or he sees it as "open to manipulate." it's so annoying. but we're trying to help him heal from this.

some days, i feel like this is going to be my life forever. watching my son's every move. bringing him with me everywhere. i feel like he's never going to heal. i miss having someone to "watch" cameron so i can GO OUT! so i can go do something fun with my healthy kids. or go on a date with tyler and not worry about what cameron is doing at home. that's when i really wish we lived in utah so i could take him to respite or new hope so i could do something fun. go to a friend's house with our family. this is such a long process.

but i also think of how much i have grown in the past 6 months. i am growing and learning at lightning speed. i think the lord knew this was the only way to get me to rely on him, to feed my spirit regularly, to learn and grow. it's such a perfect test for me. it really is. i have grown leaps and bounds. and so has cameron! even though we take steps backwards all the time, i think back to those first days at new hope and where he was a year ago. i remember dragging him to church week after week. tyler getting so frustrated with just getting him dressed for church, he'd leave him in the apartment and come down to the car fuming mad. i'd have to go back up and drag cameron outside... we'd finally get him in the car, and the entire way to church, i would be crying because he would be taking off all of his clothes we just spent 25 minutes getting on him. he'd mess up his hair we did. i was honestly at a loss for what to do. i didn't know what was wrong with him. i wish i had listened to my gut a year before when i said to tyler several times, "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM!!!!" so i have to think back to moments like those when i feel like this journey will never end. we have come so far. cameron is healing. it's just taking a long time.

i wish our therapist in utah would never have put a time table on it. i wish he would have said, "he could be healed in as little as 6 months, or as long as 5 years." or like tyler reminded me, he could choose to struggle with this his entire life. but i know i'm doing the best i can. i really am. the temple brings me an immeasurable amount of peace each week. i could not do this without it!

like i have said before, it may take until the next life. i can't force cameron to make good choices. i can't allow my happiness to be based on his choices. period. now or ever. i have to choose for me. and he has to choose for him. i'm just providing the best path possible for him to heal.

we are going to a camp this summer. a camp that is directed by nancy thomas. she is an attachment specialist and has been for YEARS. kasey at new hope learned from her. it is for our entire family. even though the cost is extremely expensive for us (and we're not sure how that's even going to work out), i feel really good about going. with no support here in the tri cities, we need something to continue to educate us and help our family. it's in june for a week. i am so excited. and it's here in washington (about 3 hrs from our home), which makes it nice.

i am so glad to be already started in this journey and not at the beginning. that's one huge blessing i feel right now! now onto more months of hope and healing for my RADish, me, and my family!