sometimes i feel like cameron's behaviors never end. we get rid of one and he creates another one. mostly to drive me crazy. i don't know if it's all the way conscious or not. but the behaviors are doing just that. driving me crazy and exhausting me. this fuels his need to be in control of my emotions. he loves it. he's good at hiding that. but i know him well enough to know how much he dislikes me and how much he thrives inside when he can cause me to be miserable or stressed. sad. but true! believe me!
cameron's first behavior we got rid of (first BIG behavior. there were/are a gazillion other small ones) was pooping in his pants. he has had issues with it since he was potty trained at like 3 years old. off and on. we got rid of the behavior in utah. and around halloween, it came back. to get rid of it again, i had to not allow ANYTHING in his underwear. not even a skid mark. we still check them every night. he hasn't done "wash" for weeks. whew!
next he started clogging the toilet every time he would poop. first it was just once every few days. but i soon realized it was becoming an every day, every time he pooped thing. ugh! so gross! he would spend 25 minutes in the bathroom... wiping and wiping and wiping. wet wipe after wet wipe. toilet paper after toilet paper. i wasn't sure what to do because i didn't want him cleaning it up for fear that there would be water all over the floors and all over my bathroom. ew. i'm a germ freak! so, i went to the experts. my favorites kasey and lauralee, asking them for a good consequence to end this behavior. me getting frustrated wasn't working. it was only fueling the behavior. lecturing wasn't working. (duh. it never has with him or does with any of my kids). i told kasey the only thing i could think of was having to pay me in chores. or doing a page of coloring. he HATES it with a passion. it's just a rectangle of butcher paper cut out and he has to fill it in with color. seems simple. well a lot of times, when i give that task to cameron, it causes a meltdown. yep. coloring. depending on his mood, he will either get it done quickly (cause he hates it and wants to work hard and get it over with) or he will cry and freak out and scream at me that i'm so mean for making him color. kasey said, "um hello. he needs to do five pages of coloring for clogging the toilet over and over." it didn't take too many times of coloring five pages, and limiting the amount of toilet paper he can use before the behavior stopped. so he can no longer use the bathroom on his own during quiet time without asking. he has to ask to use the bathroom even during quiet time now so i can go take the toilet paper and wet wipes out of the bathroom and give him his allotted amount. yes. it's like having a two or three year old.
well that behavior has ended. but soon after he came up with another one. a lying one. this kid is so smart. he'd ask to use the bathroom and i'd say, "yes you may. potty or poop?" if he'd just say potty, i didn't need to go take the toilet paper and wipes out of the bathroom, right? boys don't wipe when they pee. well i started noticing that there would be toilet paper in the toilet after he'd pee. when i'd ask him about it, he would say, "well, i thought i just needed to go potty. but then i felt something in my bum and so i wiped just to make sure there wasn't any poop in it so it doesn't get in my underwear." or he would say, "well i thought i just needed to go potty, but then i needed to go poop." see the trend? i saw right through it and no matter what he says he needs to do in the bathroom, the toilet paper and wipes are gone. frustrating.
then he came up with another interesting one the past few days. now that he only gets a certain amount of toilet paper (and it's not like i give him two squares. he gets 4 sections of 3 square of toilet paper each section, and 2 wet wipes). that seems like enough to get myself clean, so why shouldn't he be able to learn how to get himself clean with that amount? so, instead of clogging the toilet, now he folds one section of toilet paper so many times that it pretty much disintegrates and becomes a bunch of teeny tiny pieces of toilet paper all over the floor and toilet. he is slightly obsessive about getting completely clean. you see, if he doesn't, it gets on his underwear and he has to do wash. it's a cycle for him. so he'll wipe, fold the section of toilet paper over and over after wiping, so many times that it's eventually so small (and yes, he's touching the poop with his fingers, cause how could you not when folding it so small???) that it crumbles into pieces. when he did it again last night, i almost started to cry when i got back to my room. ANOTHER BEHAVIOR I HAVE TO GIVE A CONSEQUENCE FOR???? it's so tiring! and it totally fits for how he has been acting lately... being mean, in his own "nice" way, arguing, not following directions exactly, putting his spin of control on everything he can. for instance:
the other day, i was telling him what a good mom he had. and that he had the best mom ever! (i like to try to get that into his head since he doesn't like me, whether i'm lenient or strict. i'm trying to get him to realize that i am a good mom and he can trust me to take care of him). he looked at me and said, "well kasey is a better mom than you." WHAT? the lady from new hope that he hated? that he cried EVERY DAY i took him there? the one he called satan? yeah. i knew it was a lie. his own way of trying to hurt my feelings. i said, "ohhh. you must want to go live with kasey if she's a better mom than me." CAUGHT. he got a look of terror on his face and begged me not to text her and ask her if she had room for him to come live at her house. i played into his lie to get him to see he was lying, rather than getting offended and hurt. he wanted that. and i was hurt inside. but on the outside, i did just as good of a job lying as he did. no. i did better than he did. i tried to pull it out of him that he had just told a lie. but he wouldn't ever admit it. when i tried to get it out of him that he lied he said, "no. i meant she's just a better person. you are a better mom." i played into that for a while. then he said, "well. she has more things for me to do." when questioned what she had that was better, he said she had more puzzles (after thinking about it for a few seconds). bull. a bunch of bull. all to hurt me. to get me irritated. mad.
i was putting make up on the other day and said, "cameron you have such a pretty mom." he looked at me and said, "not when you do that." (my mouth hanging open as i'm putting mascara on. he then mimicked me doing that. yeah.
it doesn't matter what i say or do. what i like or dislike. he says or does, likes or dislikes THE OPPOSITE lately. he doesn't like me period right now. if i like a certain meal and say that, if asked if he likes it, he says no. or sort of. he doesn't want to be in agreement with me at all. he just wants to be nasty... in his own conniving way. he's not freaking out or yelling at me. he's not screaming at me or angry on the outside. but the words that come from his mouth sting like venom straight to my heart (even if he says them in a nice way). but i do a good job of not showing it. i just play into it to try and show him it's a lie. and he won't admit it. and that's okay. you see, he would be failing if he admitted it. and in his mind, if he can get me to crack, to cry, to be sad, to yell or scream, he would feel successful at gaining control of my emotions. ew. it's so sad!
he's hard to love right now. he really is. but i'm really doing my best to keep things low key and doing simple tasks of following directions. keeping him "safe" on a blanket with an activity or something to get his mind focusing and not in "control mode." he has always been hard for me to outwardly love. it's hard to explain. but the hell he created for so long made me miserable and i didn't even know what it was or how to get out. he controlled my world. and now that he doesn't, when he's in these "moods, "he will do anything he can to gain that back. to test me. over and over again. and i can't let him. because that fuels his addiction. writing about it is tiring!
macey is so much like cameron. but she doesn't test the limits out of a need to control. she's just a feisty little chick. but she gives SO MUCH BACK! she gives hugs and kisses and loves me. she gets genuinely excited when i walk through the door. cameron could care less. sometimes (hardly ever), he gives me a genuine smile or laugh. or lights up when i walk through the door. he did at one point (a few times). but not anymore. more backwards crap. i have never gotten much in return from cameron... which makes it completely exhausting to not only be his mom, but to try and help him heal in the best way i know how. and it's the hardest way possible. i promise!
so... i will go to the temple tonight with somewhat of a heavy heart. a tired heart. but i also feel much hope. i do love cameron. i feel badly for him. and i've been doing better about not getting frustrated inside the past few days. because i know it's not good for him and his control. and it's not good for me. getting frustrated only drives the spirit away. the spirit that i so desperately need to get through this time in my life. and who knows how long it will go on. i'm really trying. i need to reach out to god more. to pray more. to do more uplifting things, like read my scriptures and conference talks. i have to. my life has become centered on christ and his teachings. it had to. i had to slow down. to make this my absolute biggest priority right now. it's been almost 6 months since we started and i can't believe how fast it has gone. i love this new life in many ways. in many ways, it's harder. but in many ways, i am so much happier, my kids are happier (most days) and cameron and i are HOPEFULLY on our way to a healthy and loving mother/son relationship. i long to hold him in my arms and have him wrap his arms around me just as tight. i long to have him give me a real kiss. to look into my eyes with love. because i don't remember the last time i got that... if ever. and it may take until the next life. but how great a reward it will be then, or here on this earth. i know god can heal hearts and mend wounds. and if cameron and i never have a good relationship in this life, i want to be able to say to god, "i did the best i knew how. i tried my hardest. and i never gave up." and that's what i'm trying to do. every day. every hour. every minute.
