square one

i feel like my life has been sort of a whirlwind, and blogging has taken a back seat since we went to camp and moved to utah.


one of the main reasons is i am busy. :) aren't we all? well, i have a pretty naughty 2 3 year old and when she is naughty, i carry her around in a moby wrap. and she is naughty a lot. it doesn't make typing on a computer easy at all. you all know about my son that has reactive attachment disorder. that takes a lot of time too. i have a baby too. she's almost 11 months. :) oh, and i have a 4 1/2 year old that i try to meet his needs too. and i do have a husband, but he is gone. a lot. works more than full time and a second job 2 nights per week too. (it used to be 4 nights per week, so i am thrilled with 2). the 2 nights he used to work, i leave and teach an exercise class to cameron's teachers. all of this is why i haven't been blogging lately. but i want to make sure to keep up with it more. so i'll do better. promise.


back in the summer, cameron was doing awesome. when we first moved here, he was in new hope 2. he was doing so well, respectful, obedient, fun to be around. we saw less and less naughty behaviors, less desperation in his need to control (it was more of just a habit at this point), etc. we were able to take him to the park to play, to church (he even went to primary once or twice, with dad by his side of course), to family events, etc. it was so fun to feel like we were somewhat normal again!


well, after a few weeks, i started to notice he was being really ungrateful. we took him to the park and got pizza for dinner one night and he complained when we got home that we didn't stay for that long. that was a red flag to me. but i carried on and ignored it. after he started being more and more ungrateful about other things, i started to feel like we needed to start to pull back a little bit, in fear of him spiraling. so we pulled back in the reins a little, didn't do as many outings, just tried to simplify. then he started making small jabs at me with his words. one day i was saying how my kids had the best mom ever (to them). cameron responded with "you think you are like the best person mom. but there are tons of people better than you." another red flag. to some, that may be funny. but to a mom who's child really doesn't love her or feel her love, it hurt. i shook it off the best i could and just ignored it. but he was making more and more comments like that and more often. i said one day that they had the cutest mom ever. cameron rolled his eyes and said, "whatever." seems like a harmless comment and every kid wouldn't think their mom is the cutest. but it was another red flag.


he started to go downhill at new hope. all of the kids in new hope 2 did. not focused, not able to function and follow specific directions. starting to use his control in everything all over again. to the point where he couldn't follow one simple direction without throwing his spin of control into it. not good. meltdowns started. peeing. a lot. every day at new hope, at home, every night. one day, at home, he even just stood in the middle of the floor and peed. never asked for the bathroom or told me he needed to go. just peed.


the good news? even though all of his old behaviors are coming out that he had when we first started this process, there is a different feeling behind them. i know that sounds weird. but when he would be violent with me before, there was no holding back. he was so so angry. there was so much anger, fear, evil behind his raging and violence. but this time has been different. he tries to hurt me, but i can tell he is holding himself back. like he doesn't really intend to harm me, but is going through the motions of doing it. when he bit me the other day, it wasn't a super hard bite and i could tell. when he was fighting me and trying to hurt me with weapons of sorts, he wasn't really trying, with no holding back. there was part of him that didn't truly want to hurt me. yay!!! that is so good!!!


something interesting one of his teacher's told me this weekend which i completely agree with... kids with rad will sometimes cycle back all the way to where they first started to test mom. is mom still going to be able to love me and be able to deal with my awful behaviors, even if i do awful things that i used to do? or is she going to go back to hating me, screaming, yelling, spanking, freaking out at me? or can she handle it all, be calm, give me consequences, and just let it roll off her back? can i trust her? 


so i think that's where we are at. he is testing the waters to see if i really have changed, and can love him through it all, or if i'm going to go back to my overwhelmed, confused, have no idea what to do or how to handle this child, kind of mom. hopefully i've been winning his trust the past few weeks. :)


i can't help but be so grateful for this process. cameron has challenges. challenges that if we don't help now, could affect the rest of his life. if he can't trust his mom and uses constant control on her, why wouldn't he do the same with the law? with his wife? his children? we are trying to help give him a life. yes, we do tough things now. like not letting him go to a family party tonight because of how awful he has been. but it's a consequence we chose to give to help motivate him. so we left him with a friend (another rad mom) that we know will follow through with our rules for cameron, (basically not being more nice than mom so he doesn't have more fuel against me as to why i'm the worst mom ever, and anyone else would be better than me :)) while we all went and enjoyed a family party. he doesn't get to play with friends, or see cousins, or anything right now. it's sad and hard. i would love to do those things. but we have to help the core relationship between my son and i first, before he can form other relationships. that way, they can be healthy and non-manipulative and controlled by him.


feeling so grateful for new hope and the women that run it. what amazing gifts they have... and a true love for the families they help each day. even though i've had many moments, wondering why we moved to utah, i am so grateful i have new hope so close. i feel so blessed.

been too long

i almost don't even know what to say, it has been so long since i've posted on here. (actually, my family blog has gone 3 months without hearing from me. so bad since it's my journal and family history records).

i wanted to write about something that happened at camp that i forgot to write in my last post. it is a moment i hope i never forget.

nancy thomas (the director of the camp) had us practice "cuddle time" with our kids. this is basically holding your kids like a baby (in the rocking position), having their hands placed against your back and another on your arm in front, and your arms wrapped around them as well. ideally, you feed them some sort of milk sugar (closest thing you can get to sweet milk/breast milk). so chocolate, caramels, etc. lots of loving eye contact, playfulness, etc. it's bonding time to rebuild those connections that weren't built when the kids were little (mostly for cameron and not my other kids). so, i pulled cameron up into my arms. even though nancy reminded us to try to keep this time "light" and fun, and not so emotional and heavy (if you can help it), i could NOT help it. tears started pouring out of my eyes as i looked at cameron in the eyes. i was filled with such a deep love for him. i often feel that love for my other children. but for cameron, it is much less often and far between. i could not help myself. i kept crying and crying. stroking his face and telling him some things i remembered about the day he was born and preparing for his coming to earth. i was so filled with emotion and love.

to my surprise, cameron started to have tears trickle down his face. it wasn't anything fake or phony. i could feel him taking in my love. i knew he felt it! i was thrilled. there have been several times where we are in a similar situation and i pray he can feel my love. but i can feel those walls up around his heart. and i know he doesn't feel any of it. but this time was different. it was amazing and the spirit was so strong.

it was time to switch to the next child (i now wish i would have kept cameron for longer). i moved on to isaac and then macey.

afterwards, my mom told me that when cameron was finished with cuddle time with me, he went and sat next to my mom while he waited to have cuddle time with dad. she said he was bawling. his crying did not stop. he was sobbing. she asked him what was wrong and he said, "i was just thinking about how hard it was for my mom to have me." he was so emotional and it was REAL!!! honestly, that one single moment made our trip to camp worth it. to have that moment of bonding with cameron was so worth the trip and money.

you have to understand, i don't have moments like that very often with him. like i said, i often have overwhelming feelings of love for my other children. but from day 1 with cameron, i did not have them very often at all. he was so hard for me and such a tough baby, that i rarely had those moments. they are getting much more often since starting this journey over a year ago. but we still have a lot of work to do!

we are settled in here in utah. we have had many bumps in the road. we had to take cameron out of school after 2 weeks because of finances. but we have worked it out and he started back a week ago, twice per week. he is kind of in a slump right now, and i'm trying to help him get out of it. but he is struggling to be motivated to come out of his slump. but we are trying to work it through with him.

i still feel and see so much hope in him. that one day, he will be able to handle his anxiety to be able to go to school and be successful. we are just trying to pave the best way for him to get there. and if that means homeschooling him until he is 15, i will do it.

i have had people question me why he isn't in school. he has a very hard time with the need to be perfect (to the point of meltdowns and paralyzing paranoia) and has so much anxiety, that a room full of kids would be very hard for him to focus. he is brilliant academically but pretty behind emotionally, and socially. so right now, we feel having him home is best, and in new hope, where there are limited kids and great teachers, that know him well, how he functions, and what he needs, to aid him in his healing.

i think sometimes people think this is what i want. it is not what i want. if i had it my way, he would be in school, having fun with friends, playing outside with the neighbor kids, going to friends houses, being a normal kid. but he isn't there yet. and i'm not going to let him just because i want it for him. it would actually do damage for him and this process to allow him to do these things at this point. he has to be ready for all of those things, otherwise, they will only aid him in going backwards. (and trust me. he has gone backwards lately and he has done none of those things yet). tyler and i are doing what we feel is best for cameron. and we always will... regardless of the price we pay and the judgements that are placed against us. cameron's healing far surpasses anything else we are worried about right now. and if that means keeping him out of school and away from other kids for 10 years, we will do it.

i'll update sooner next time. i swear! now onto updating my family page that is 3 months overdue!

Camp and Moving

I wish I would have kept up on this blog for the past few months. Life has been a whirlwind for us lately with going to RAD camp in Northern Washington and then moving to Utah right after. We found a place to live and have moved in and settled for the most part. It is a huge adjustment for me mostly! I still feel out of place, in transition, finding my norm, etc. I have come to learn that I don't do change very well, just like my Cami.

Cameron is doing pretty well, considering all of the change we have gone through. He attends New Hope during the week and I volunteer there once per week. I wish I could do more, but with three other kids at home, I don't really have that option at this point.

I'll go back to camp for a moment so I can document what I remember... wish I would have done this before now.

We spent 6 days up in Valley, Washington with our family at a family bonding camp, specifically for families that have kids with RAD. It was an awesome experience and so good for us to all attend together. My Mom flew in from Salt Lake to be there to help with our other kids since we wanted to be sure to get the most out of the seminars we would be attending there.

Nancy Thomas was amazing. She is seriously a gift sent from Heaven for people that have children that suffer from RAD. We did lots of family activities, and depending on the kids behavior and choices, they were able to participate. Cameron actually did very well at camp. But we expected that because of the all the work we have done during the past year. Isaac had spent a week at New Hope while we were in Utah, and so he was great at camp too. Macey was our challenging one. :) She would deliberately not listen to Mom or Dad (when we would ask her to fold her arms, or eat her breakfast, or come here, etc). So she spent a lot of time with the "Flight Check" crew. The Flight Check crew is basically there to take your kids from you when they aren't being obedient and respectful (at your expectation). They take them, try to get their brains to shift, have them process through what happened and what they can do to make it up to their parents). If it was during meal time, the children went to eat with the Flight Check crew during the remainder of the meal. They had lost the privilege of eating with the family. About half way during the week, the Flight Check crew starts turning that responsibility over to the parents to learn how to deal with it when it happens at home (and you can't have your kids go with the Flight Check crew). We really had done all of this before we went to camp. It's exactly what New Hope does, so we knew all about it. :) Well, Macey would be asked to do something, refuse to do it, pretend she didn't hear you, or whatever. So she would go with the Flight Check crew. She would comply once with the Flight Check crew and do her jumping jacks, tell them what she did, etc., come back and do the same thing 5 minutes later. So, after a day, they talked to me about "pouching her." Here is an explanation of it:

We are basically doing the same training we did with Cameron and Isaac, but with Macey now. Since she is so young, the way to "treat" the behavior issues is to carry them with you all of the time. They don't get any choices, privileges, etc. I chose to carry her in a Moby Wrap. You are ideally supposed to carry them for 4-6 hours per day, only getting out for about 30 minutes, twice per day, for exercise. You are even supposed to feed them their meals. Extreme? Yes. Can I do it exactly like that? NO! I have four kids. One suffering from RAD already, one 4 year old that is finally obedient and respectful, one two year old I carry around on my stomach all day, not to mention my 7 month old that should be carried a lot during the day too. So, I do what I can. :) I have basically come up with the plan that I need to just pouch her when she is defiant. If she starts to argue, throw a fit, ignore me, be sassy, she goes in "the pouch" for an hour or two. Then we get out and try again. We are also working through some things with Avery, so ideally, I should be "pouching" her for the same amount of hours each day.

Now, I am not SuperMom. Pouching a screaming, pinching, two year old (sometimes) can get very draining. I start to get ornery, cranky, lose patience, etc, which sort of defeats my whole purpose in all of this. So I have to take breaks, give myself some time, etc. So when she isn't pouched, she is in a boundary with an activity that I choose. Not her. She misses out on fun things like, playing at the splash park, playing with cousins and siblings, playing with fun toys and activities... this week she has missed out on all of that. Even running through a sprinkler with her brothers. But, until she is consistently obedient and respectful, she won't be participating in fun activities like that at all. Sounds extreme, right? It is, but IT WORKS! Eventually, she will decide she wants her independence and doesn't want to be stuck on or by Mom all day, every day. We just have to wait her out. So good for her!

We were at a family party a few weeks ago, and Macey said she wanted a brownie. I went to get her one, and a family friend offered Macey her brownie because she wasn't going to eat it. Macey snottily pushed the brownie away and said, "No." I gave her back the brownie and told her she could either choose that brownie or none. She rudely pushed it away again, and so I took it away and said, "Bummer Macey. I guess you don't want a brownie." She started to cry and get upset, and a few seconds later, I offered her the brownie again. She gladly accepted. :) People thought it was so sad and mean of me. But I am all done with the behaviors like that. If I don't put up with that from my other kids, why should I put up with it from my 2 1/2 year old? Yes, Cameron and Isaac are older. But I am not waiting until she is 5, like I did with Cameron. She KNOWS exactly what she is doing. When the Flight Check people would ask her what happened, she knew exactly what she had done that wasn't okay with Mom or Dad. She was deliberately disobeying.

No, Macey does not have RAD (although some days, I swear she does). But like the ladies at New Hope say, "Behavior is Behavior. You treat it the same." The difference is, Macey doesn't have fear behind these choices she is making. She does it because she is 2 and defiant and pushing boundaries. And YES, she is head strong, feisty, and spunky. She doesn't have any big feelings behind the choices. No fear of losing control like Cameron had. No fear behind the tantrums. No scary raging. Only 2 year old defiance. :) She will learn a lot quicker than Cameron did. :)

So I am pretty worn out a lot of the time, not nearly as patient, and don't live my "perfect, quiet life" that I sort of had in Washington. I have learned that I need to put the fun back into life and learn to be able to deal with the stresses of daily life. I can't live in my house with church music playing all day and never go anywhere. Just like Cameron needs to learn to function in society, I do too. So, I am learning and being stretched again... growing and being challenged in experiencing daily stress, like the rest of the world. (Yes, I am pretty sure I have a disorder too). :) I have even thought about getting on some medication (which is SO NOT like me). But just to help with my anxiety, stress, and depression. Yes, I admitted it. I have struggled with depression my entire life. I just don't think I ever realized it until recently. I am struggling with not being perfect, having my house picked up and dishes done all of the time. But when I have a 2 1/2 year old, screaming while I am holding her (and even when she isn't screaming and fighting me), I find it hard to get much done with her on the front of me. When I'm not pouching her, I am usually feeding Avery or pouching her, or just taking a break. So I am not nearly as caught up on my house as I'd like to be. In fact, my laundry has been sitting on my couch for like 2 days, waiting to be folded, with another load in the dryer, waiting to be taken out and folded.

So overall, we are adjusting. Cameron is working through the change of moving here and has had some stomach aches, which I am almost POSITIVE are linked to his anxiety. But overall, he is doing pretty well, and functioning pretty well at school.

I still have so much hope for him, with all of the progress I have seen over the past year. I am so grateful to be in Utah where we have a little more support. I know I am doing things differently (some people actually think it's crazy), but I know it is what is best for my family. :) That's all that matters.

coming up for air

i can't believe i've been home for a month. actually, i'm not even sure how long i have been home from our second trip to utah for help. but i am pretty sure it has been over a month. :)


we have had a lot of miracles since we have been home. i wish i would have written them down as they happened. i did find an email i sent to kasey about one miracle i watched happen. i want to have it documented for this journal.


cameron was working on some math today. he got two problems incorrect and freaked about it. started crying, getting mad that i told him they weren't correct. he blamed himself and said how stupid he was and how he always gets things wrong. when he tried to "boss" me about it, saying he knew they weren't incorrect, i said something like, "are you telling me that you are right, and the book is wrong?" he said, "no." i talked to him about how we don't have to be perfect, and it's okay to have to correct work. after he calmed down and corrected the simple errors, he said to me, "mom, when you said, 'are you telling me that you are right and the book is wrong?', "i felt kind of stupid." it felt so sincere from him! i pulled him in my arms and told him i was sorry and my intention was not to make him feel stupid. i told him i loved him and he was not stupid at all and that he didn't have to feel that way. he got big tears in his eyes and burst into tears. it was SO sincere! we hugged for a while and i told him everything was okay and told him how good it was to share feelings politely, rather than acting them out and getting so angry and letting it ruin his day.

a few minutes after, he went to eat lunch, and came back and asked if he could just go lay on his bed for a while. i asked if he needed a break, and he said, yes. he went in his room and laid in bed for a few minutes, came back out and came straight to me and gave me a hug. i was a little worried he was trying to manipulate. but when he asked a moment later to color a picture, i said i wanted him to do one more sheet of math... he said, "yes mom" and was happy to do it. i then tested him... i told him we were going to do the art activity after quiet time (he was a little upset earlier when i told him he might have to wait until after quiet time)... he said, "okay mom" and went on with his math!

what??!?!?! this was a miracle! the fact that he pulled himself out of his kind of "fit," and then ASKED to go to his room to rest... and then was willing to work on what i wanted him to when he came out! amazing!!!!!!! and we got some great bonding in there during all of it. so cute!!!!

just thought i'd share. i hope i did okay! i felt it was so sincere from him... he really was feeling sad and expressed that. LOVE IT!

now to some of you, this may seem ridiculous. but you have to understand that this was a HUGE step for cameron. normally, when he starts to have meltdowns about things, he goes into a screaming fit or rage, blaming me (which he did a little bit of, but he also blamed himself, which RARELY happens and is great for him), and i normally have to tell him he needs to go rest on his bed or lay on a blanket to relax. that usually (or used to) make him even MORE mad, and he'd scream and yell and freak out even more. then he would be mad for hours and sometimes days... where he couldn't snap out of his "funk" and wouldn't care about doing anything, wouldn't want to do anything he was asked to do, etc. so, the fact that HE asked to go to his room was AMAZING! he knew he was getting frustrated and rather than blowing, he knew he needed to just take a break and go be alone. SO GOOD!!!! 

we have had a few other miracles, like cameron getting sick! now most mom's wouldn't be excited about this. (and usually, i'm not excited about it either). but when cameron gets sick, i get EXCITED! kids with rad hardly EVER get sick. and if they do, it's like a tiny stuffy nose for a day. (at least for cameron). the rest of the house could be down and out, and he is still running around like a maniac (before we went to new hope, of course). but tyler brought a nasty chest cold home from work and cameron got it!!!! the ladies at new hope say that it's a great sign when they start to get sick. it means they are healing. they start to actually be somewhat in tune with their bodies to know they are sick and allow their body to be sick. cameron actually had a low-grade fever for 2 days! 2 days!!! i cannot even remember the last time cameron had a fever. maybe when he was about a year old with his 8th ear infection. honestly. that's probably the last time he had a fever! with this chest cough, he laid on the couch for a day and a half. that was a miracle!

we have also had some great, tender, bonding moments since we got home. i can't think of an specifics (dang it) but he has been so cute with me. lots of little things... kissing me randomly on the cheek or the hand, rubbing my arm, just little signs of affection that he NEVER did before, unless he wanted something to go his way. it's so weird to have him giving me random bits of affection, but i am LOVING it! it's so cute and so sincere!

so, in other news (we have had a lot going on here), we are moving. TO UTAH! i never thought i'd be excited to say that. but i am. the reason? two words for you. new hope.

when i was in utah, i had such a strong impression (several actually) that we needed to be in utah. cameron needed to be in new hope 2, i needed to become more involved at new hope, etc. we needed to get there. yeah, it sounded nice. but did i really think it was going to happen? i doubted it big time!

while i was in utah, i got onto tyler's company's website and looked up job openings, only to find an opening for an RTL (rehab team leader- which is what tyler does up here... basically, manages the rehab team at a nursing home), at a brand new facility in south jordan. a NON-NURSING HOME! just a short-term rehab center where patients come after being at a hospital, before they are ready to go home. i emailed the job listing to tyler and said something like, "i really feel like you should look into this." he felt he should to, and pursued it.

a few weeks later, he came down to pick me and the kids up in utah to help us drive back home, (don't i have an awesome man?) and he arranged to have an interview at the facility for the job. he had been told they couldn't make any promises and that they had a TON of applicants. his interview lasted 2 1/2 hours and two days later, we drove home to washington. we were SO anxious for several weeks, while we waited to hear back about the job. i was pretty optimistic about it (which is weird, because i tend to be a pessimist) but as the days passed, i grew more pessimistic and doubted tyler would be offered the job. but, about 2 weeks ago, his company called, with an offer for him, saying the facility (who is owned by a different company than tyler works for... his company is just contracted in to do their rehab for them), really wanted to hire him and was really impressed with him. bummer part is, we are taking a big pay cut. over 10%. huge bummer. utah is really easy for them to recruit to... pasco, washington on the other hand... super hard to recruit to! therefore, they pay way more in pasco than they do in utah. but we have felt all along that we would be moving and that we would be taking this job, regardless of the pay. so after some negotiations (their original offer was more like a 13% pay cut), we accepted and we are leaving in about 3 weeks. still no place to live. but we are going.


we have a lot of mixed emotions right now... at least i do. i am obviously bummed about taking a pay cut... and not sure how that is even going to work out. cost of living in the salt lake area is quite a bit more than the tri-cities, and we will be spending more in general on gas and going to and from new hope. but we really feel peace about our decision and know it is what is best. we feel like a whole new set of trials await us in utah. one of the biggest being, friends and family. it has actually been quite nice to be here, secluded in pasco, where we can live our life and not many people question us about the why's, how's and when's of what we do with cameron. it's quite complicated stuff, and very hard to understand. especially if you have any sort of "attachment" to cameron. so we will be dealing with that square in the face. if cameron is going to heal, he cannot be around anyone that will let him manipulate in any way, shape, or form (especially at first). it is me (his mom) that he is trying to build trust with. so if anyone gives him ANYTHING that his mom won't normally give him OR they don't ask me first, he literally believes he is manipulating them to get it. i have been pretty stressed about being around family members because to cameron, the smallest thing is manipulating for him. like, getting a hug from someone. cameron knows that right now, it's best for mom and dad to be in charge of affection (one of his biggest ways to manipulate). so, if he see's a grandma or aunt and they come and give him a hug, deep inside, he thinks he just controlled them into giving him a hug with his charm. i know, it sounds insane. i didn't believe it either. until i saw him using affection with others day in and day out to push me away, hurt my feelings, win over others. he loves to "engage" people... if he can get you to give him any sort of attention (if he looks over at you and smiles and you come over and talk to him), in his mind, he manipulated that. so, i know how ridiculous that sounds... so let me illustrate a conversation i had with cameron a few days ago...


cameron was in a really good place. he wasn't being manipulative, he was happy. so i decided to try something... i asked him what manipulating means. he gave me a response that was something like this:


"when i ask someone for something that my mom doesn't know about or without asking her first."


hmmmm...


my next question, "who let's you manipulate?"


he then listed off just about every person's name in our extended family. aunts, uncles, grandma's, grandpa's, etc. he even gave EXAMPLES as to when he had manipulated them. i asked him if kasey and lauralee let him manipulate. his response? 


"no."


i just kind of sat there and listened (thinking inside, "oh my word") and then casually changed the subject. 


so do you see how unhealthy that is for him? if he has an addiction to controlling others and situations around him, it wouldn't be healthy for him to be around people on a regular basis that allow any sort of control. now, as a grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, whoever, it is very hard. you have to give up what you want to do. you have to give up what makes sense (because you just need to love them more if they have problems, right?) wrong. not for rad. you have to give up what you want, for what is best for the child. it plain stinks sometimes. but the miracles we have witnessed in doing this at home has been well worth the trial. cameron is in the process of attaching to me as his mother. this single relationship between a child and his mother will affect ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE! if the child cannot trust the mother, he will trust no one. so we are trying to help him from the beginning, most basic relationship, so that he can have healthy relationships in the future. the road to getting there is not an easy one though. not at all.


okay, i'm rambling. 


on another note (so i can ramble some more), this new hope 2 thing is tough for me. very humbling actually. it's not nearly as "black and white" as new hope 1 was. consequences for everything. very basic. it was my comfort zone. i got the the point where i felt like, "wow. i am a completely different mom. i feel like i am calm, collected, so nice to my kids all the time, never raise my voice." i loved it. well, new hope 2 brings on some stress. some, not so black and white, and "real life" mixed in. me and stress don't do so well together. so i am making mistakes, i have raised my voice, i am not perfect. i have been frustrated way more than i was before. but like kasey told me, perfect is not healthy and doesn't work. so it is so good for me to be getting bits and pieces of real life back in, so i can learn to deal with all of it. (remember how i told you, this journey is just as much for me as it is cameron. actually, it's more for me than him). so, no one has been quite as settled since we got home... and neither have i. the stress and unknowns of moving, packing, going to rad camp in a few weeks (and then leaving two days later to move to utah), sick kids, etc., has been so tough for me to remain "centered," calm, etc. but it's real life, right? if i have everything perfect and calm and quiet all of the time, how on earth would my kids ever learn how to deal with life when they get outside of the home? we all have to learn how to cope with it and adjust to different circumstances. 


okay. i'm done i think. but my next goal is to write down my story. i'm talking details. everything i can remember. what things contributed to cameron having rad, what life was like with cameron as a baby, toddler, etc.... for those people who may be concerned their child doesn't have a healthy attachment... things to watch for. because these kids get worse with age. and they don't "grow out of it" like other kids do. i want to document everything i can remember about life before we found help. i'll even post stories on here that are on my family blog about getting kicked out of stores, yelled at, lectured by people about how to discipline cameron. (those are fun). :)


sorry this post wasn't put together well. i just haven't been on top of the blog but wanted to write about several things. so wish me luck the next few weeks... packing and moving my family's and my life down to utah for our next adventure!

Scenes from New Hope

I was lucky enough to go to dinner with these ladies a few nights ago. It was so much fun and the food was awesome. I forgot to take pictures that night, so we took some the next afternoon (yesterday) after all of the kids had left the center.

These are the ladies from New Hope that helped to show me a new way of life. Truly, a new hope. :)

Kasey and LauraLee with me and my sister, Heather

Adding the kids in. Kasey (holding Heather's twin boy Ethan), LauraLee with her baby Caden, me with Avery, Heather with her twin girl, Sydney

Isaac and I playing a game

Interactive play with polly dolls

Free, creative play on the chalkboard

More from yesterday

I told them it was about time I had a picture of them for my blog journal. :)

Thank you again... for everything!

Long Overdue

I have been trying to write this post for 3 days now... I have been so busy at New Hope every day, that I haven't had a chance. So much has been going on and I am long overdue for a post about my RAD journey. We finished our second week at New Hope 2 with me being in charge of the four kids that attend New Hope 2 this past Friday. It was a good but tough experience for me. I enjoyed working downstairs for the day and being on my own. The hardest part has been having Avery attached to my hip (and let's be honest, my chest). She is so used to being at home, in bed, for 3 naps per day, and at pretty much the same time each day. So she isn't too happy to be sleeping in her car seat, with things going on around her. She is a light sleeper (because it's always quiet when she's sleeping). I spent yesterday in charge of New Hope 2 kids again. It was definitely easier than my first time. Cameron continues to do well in New Hope 2 and I have learned a lot about how to help him progress into the next stage of his healing.

My other two kids have spent most of their time with my in laws. The first weekend we were here, Isaac went to St. George with cousins and Macey came to my parents to be with me. It was not fun. She was pretty sassy and awful to me... refusing to do what I asked, yelling at me, hitting me, screaming fits. Not fun. The next weekend, both Isaac and Macey came back to spend a few days with me at my parents. It was nothing short of a nightmare and brought me back to how I lived the first 5 1/2 years of motherhood. They were screaming, yelling, hitting, refusing to do what I asked them to do, disrespectful, disobedient. It was awful. I was irritated beyond belief. They wouldn't stay in bed, wouldn't be quiet, etc. I was so NOT patient and calm like I usually am. Part of the problem was the small space we were sharing... Cameron, Isaac, Macey, and I, all sharing one room. Not too fun for bed time. It has also been tough staying with my parents (who have moved to a smaller home) and my grandparents, who live in the upstairs of the home. So I get super stressed about my kids behavior and bothering other people. So needless to say, I have been stressed, and my kids definitely feed off of that. I was a stress case this past weekend. Thank goodness my parents and grandparents are pretty supportive and don't get too annoyed by the behaviors we are trying to get rid of.

Cameron's teacher knew how stressed I was and how naughty my two younger kids were... she called me on Sunday and suggested Isaac come in to New Hope this week. (Yes. She is an angel, calling me on a Sunday afternoon while she was on vacation and happened to see my Facebook status that I was exhausted). She even offered (well, demanded :) ) for me to go to her home with my kids to have some space for a few hours, before she came home. (Yep. She is heaven-sent).

It is interesting... I planned to be here about 2 weeks. (But my gut told me I'd be here for more like 3 weeks from the very beginning). I wanted to go home the weekend before last. But for some reason, I just didn't feel right about it. I didn't know why. But I just felt like it wasn't the right time. Well, now I know why. Isaac came in for the first time on Monday. He screamed, yelled, hit, kicked, and even tried to bite one of the teacher's twice. (They expect kids to follow instructions here pretty exactly... he didn't want to. Something as simple as, coloring a picture, but facing away from the other kids so he didn't distract them from their work, sitting quietly facing the wall for 4 minutes when he wasn't listening, etc).  He was just not willing to do. For 2 days, he wanted to boss and be in charge and tell the adults what to do. It's great practice for school in another year and a half. He was horrendous two days in a row, and we were all surprised by how long he put up a fight. He learned a lot from living with Cameron for 3 1/2 years before we got help. He had a lot of anger inside that he needed to release. After the two days of awful behavior, he mellowed and has been so much happier since.

No. Isaac does not have RAD. Thanks goodness! The difference between him and Cameron??? When we came to New Hope last summer, Cameron had much more rage and hatred behind his need to control. His went way deeper, was more conniving, had a sort of "evil" feeling and great fear behind his need to control. Isaac's is more of just a "I have to do this because I have watched it for so long, so this is what I am supposed to do when I am mad and want attention" feeling behind it. But he has had some serious anger here with me.

On Isaac's second day here, as I was trying to get him to calm down, I lost it. After 40 minutes of waiting for him to hold still and be quiet with his mouth for 10 seconds, I just started to cry. LauraLee had me reading scriptures out loud to help calm him. He was winding down and completely exhausted from the fight he was putting up for so long. I couldn't believe how hard he was fighting. It made me really sad and brought back a lot of feelings from last summer when Cameron first started here. Not fun. Isaac eventually fell asleep from exhaustion, listening to LauraLee read from the Book of Mormon. He certainly had a lot of anger that has built up. It's a good thing we worked on getting a lot of it out now, rather than later.

We have also discovered that Isaac has an intolerance to dairy and gluten. I have always known he doesn't do well with milk. He has always had digestive issues... since birth. His intolerance to gluten could be a contributing factor to his behavior and moodiness. If he doesn't feel well most of the time, it could be playing a part in some of the behavior he has. So we started him on a gluten-free diet a few days ago. :)

I am going home on Saturday. I feel total peace with it, although I am sad. I am so anxious to get home to Tyler and be in our own house again.... I do much better when it's my own space and not interfering with other people and their space. But I am also sad to be without New Hope again. It is so refreshing to be with people that know how to deal with the behaviors my kids have and know how to help them.  Not only do I learn from them, but I get a break from having to do it all on my own. It's an amazing thing. Thank you Kasey and LauraLee for letting me come back!

When I first came last summer, I thought, "Okay, sweet. We have all we need and now I'm all done with learning." I had no idea how much more there is to learn and what a journey this truly is. I kind of felt like a failure at first, needing to come back here for more help. But I wanted to... and when Kasey suggested it, I had the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. The moment I decided to come, I literally felt lighter. I knew it was the the right choice. Not just the right choice, but the best choice! I had the same weight lifted when I decided to stay an extra week, even though I wanted to go home. I felt the very same weight lifted when Kasey called me on Sunday, when my kids were being so awful and suggested that I bring Isaac in. Part of me was sad... I was about to bring him back to my in laws and was looking forward to a break from him and how terrible he had been treating me. But I knew deep down inside that I needed to bring him. This was the reason I was supposed to stay in Utah an extra week. Isaac needed to go to New Hope. As soon as I decided it, I felt a huge weight lifted again. Amazing how that works.

I am so blessed to have been able to spend another few weeks here at New Hope. I am so grateful to have found this support system here, with wonderful people at the head of it. There really isn't anything better than the overwhelming feeling of being truly blessed and unbelievably thankful to my Father in Heaven. It's the peace I had been looking for, for so long... but couldn't find on my own. So blessed!

New Hope 2

Cameron is doing well. He is in the "New Hope 2" program that they just started about a month ago here.

"New Hope 1" is very structured and tight. They work with the kids to teach them to understand boundaries, to let go of their anger and to trust adults. It is what we have been doing for the past 8 1/2 months.

At "New Hope 2," they still have the same expectations of respect and obedience. But they have more freedom. It's not quite as structured and strict... more like a classroom setting. So they start to open up the boundaries a little bit for them... as much as they can handle it and still be obedient and respectful. They get to do some activities together as a group and start to interact with other children. They are taught how to interact appropriately. Remember, this is a relationship disorder... they do not know how to be socially appropriate with other people without feeling that need to "control" them. It's more of a transitional place to help them prepare to go to public school, have friends over, go to a friend's house, etc.

Cameron is much softer this time around. He isn't fighting for the control frantically like he was here at New Hope last summer. He isn't angry and doesn't freak when they correct him on behaviors or work he does. He actually told me this morning that he liked Kasey. WHAT?

He has been experiencing a lot of anxiety here though. I think he is struggling with handling the differences between how I run our house, how New Hope 1 is run (which is upstairs here at New Hope), and how New Hope 2 is run (which is downstairs here at New Hope). He wants to do everything perfectly and panics that he isn't doing it "correctly" or "perfectly." But he is learning to relax and settle inside. He is handling simple school work, group activities, and corrections pretty well. I have gotten feedback from his teachers that I have done great with him at home and that he is healing. YAY!

Keep in mind, this is a LONG process. Just because Cameron has a good day, or a good week, doesn't mean he is better. It is a long, difficult, and painful journey for him and us, as his parents. It is a roller coaster and marathon. It is very "up and down" for him. I always think it's funny when people say, "I hope he gets better sooner versus later." It's a marathon. Not a sprint. And I did say the same thing at first. I just wanted him better. I wanted this process to be 6-12 months like the therapist told us. But it hasn't been. And it won't be. It's not like we magically hit the 6 month, 1 year, 2 year, or 4 year mark and BOOM, he is better. It takes as long as it needs to take, and I have accepted that now. And he will probably struggle with some things for the rest of his life.

But he is doing so well here, and I am doing so well. It really make me want to move to Utah. I love the feeling here at New Hope. It is so calm and peaceful. I love working with the other kids too. I still have some learning to do, but I love it here. I have been bringing Avery with me almost every day. I need to be here. I want to be here. Someday. :)

I used to think I wanted to be a Personal Trainer. I thought that was my passion and love in life. Teaching other people how to exercise and eat well and get into shape. I still love this and would love to do it one day. But I am starting to realize that my other passion is going to be helping other people who have children with RAD and other behavior issues. I would love to live down here and spend time at the school helping. Like I said.... someday!

PEACE

I am renewed!!! I don't even know where to start...

Cameron was mad when we got to New Hope this morning. He was not happy. He played lots of tricks and games... control games. Like when Kasey asked him to hang up his coat, twice. He wouldn't do it. He took it off eventually... and threw it on the floor. Not acceptable at New Hope. He didn't hang it up all day.  They asked him to jump on the mini trampoline. He wouldn't jump. He laid on his back and bounced, with his hands and feet straight up in the air. He refused for a few hours.

He wrote a page of feelings... of hate... for Kasey. "I hate you. You are the meanest, ugliest, selfishest, rudest person ever. I hate all the women here." He wasn't happy. But it didn't come with the evil that used to accompany these feelings. He used to have true "hate" for these people. But it didn't feel that way today. It felt like he just didn't care to do what they asked him to. He was just stuck in a "blah" place more than anything else. They told me I've done good work with him over the past 6 months of being home. YAY! This hasn't all been for nothing. They can see big improvements in Cameron. YAY!

I was thrilled to be at New Hope. Now that I am over the "beginning stages" of learning about RAD and about Cameron, it wasn't overwhelming or emotional for me at all. It was amazing. I loved it. I wanted to stay and help. And I did for the morning. It was awesome. I liked watching the other kids get a feel for me, and try their tricks with me. Ha Ha. I know their tricks. I am a RAD mom! They weren't happy when I called them on their control games.

Then I decided to take the afternoon to just relax. I went to lunch with one of the other "RAD moms." That was MORE than enjoyable. To talk to someone that goes through exactly what I do was awesome. We both understood each other and have experienced many of the same things with our sons. I enjoyed her company more than she knew!

I can't wait for tomorrow! This has been so needed for me and for Cameron! I should have been here a month ago. As tough as this journey is, I find myself more and more grateful for it as time goes by. Like I said in my last post... this journey was tailored specifically for me... exactly the way I needed it.

Round 2

I kind of feel like I am starting over... even though I'm not.

Cameron has been in a downward spiral over the past few months. I felt like I couldn't stop him. I was trying. We were doing the same things we have always done. When he is in a good place, he is okay with it. But, he was starting to whine, complain, argue more and more and more. He started throwing fits, tantrums, freak outs. I tried pushing him into a rage a few times... to get it out... hoping that after the rage, he would be the that little boy again... okay with me being his Mom and being in charge of him. But he didn't rage and he didn't come out of it. Days went by and he was getting nasty. He lost all privileges of playing with siblings. I tried taking all of that control away again. It didn't work.

Last Thursday, I went to the temple for my weekly dose of heaven. On my way home, Tyler texted me and said Cameron had run away and was out on the main road outside of our neighborhood. My heart dropped and I immediately got in contact with his teachers from Utah. I think I knew deep down inside that we needed to take a trip to Salt Lake. I was tired. Cameron had been awful to me the past few weeks especially... saying horrible things, rude, angry, etc. I couldn't help him snap out of it. He just didn't care. He was to the point that he refused jumping jacks for several hours, and laid on a blanket instead. He refused to do jumping jacks the way he is supposed to (pretty dang close to perfect jumping jacks). He laid on a blanket off and on for days... doing quiet activities (puzzles, reading a book) until he was ready to do, what we call, A+ jumping jacks. After three days of this, I knew he wasn't going to come out with me around. I knew we needed a third party involved.

We left the following morning to drive to Salt Lake (yesterday). We packed up after the kids were asleep. I am prepared to stay longer than I think I am (since last time, I planned to be gone 3 weeks and was gone for 2 months). The funny thing was, after I had decided that I was FOR SURE going to Utah, Cameron started being kinda good... caring a little bit more... his jumping jacks were pretty good... WHAT? I hadn't said a word to him! Not one! He had no clue anything was going on. Why was he suddenly snapping out of it? Should I just stay home? Ha. I knew better than that. I knew this was Satan's way of convincing me that everything was going to be okay. He was going to get better on his own. I could just stay in the comfort of my own home. I didn't need to haul my four little kids to Utah. I didn't need to be separated from Tyler for several weeks AGAIN. But I knew better and I carried on and packed up my life to bring to Utah.

We have run into obstacles along the way. The drive down actually went great, but this morning... not so much. I think Avery has an ear infection. I think the pressure from her ears from driving through the mountains and everything yesterday was never relieved and that it turned into an infection. (That has happened to me before as an adult). She spent the entire morning screaming. No one could soothe her. She was miserable. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I even tried pumping and giving her a bottle. She screamed in pain. I tugged on her left ear... nothing. I tugged on her right ear... she winced and began to scream again. Dang it. Tyler ran to the store for some pain reliever for her and a homeopathic that I use for ear infections that is AMAZING. I finally got her to go to sleep and she is resting now. I had a very distinct impression that Satan does not want me here. He does not want me near New Hope. He does not want Cameron to get help. He does not want me to be educated on my son's needs. He wants this to destroy my family. Avery screaming all morning was supposed to be to tempt me to get in the car with Tyler, turn around, and drive back home. But I did not. I would not. I have to be here, as hard as it is.

Tyler left about an hour ago to make the drive back home to Washington in a borrowed car. Seriously? We are doing this again? I was emotional, to say the least. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so alone and so overwhelmed, even with all the family I have here. I still feel alone. It's hard for people to understand. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of having three other children to care for and meet needs for, all while providing the kind of environment Cameron needs, out of the comfort of our own home. I am stressed because Avery doesn't feel well.... and she is a very scheduled baby. I have her down for three naps per day, precisely when she gets tired.... before she gets overtired. If I miss her cues, and she gets overtired, she does not settle or rest well. She cries a lot when she is overtired and I haven't gotten her in bed on time. I am stressed because I breastfeed her... and I am the only one that can do that... on her time table... not mine!

I am overwhelmed, but know, without a doubt, that I am supposed to be here right now. I would not have come if I didn't feel a great amount of peace at my decision. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the second I decided I was coming to Utah on Friday afternoon. I knew I had to. I literally felt lighter.

Now I have to humble myself and ask for help. Am I the only one that struggles so much to ask for help, even from my own families? I feel like a failure if I can't do it on my own, without help. I feel like a loser Mom, that can't take care of her own kids. But I know what I need to do.

I plan to be here 2 weeks (is what my gut tells me)... but I am open to being here as long as I need to be... here is to Round 2... to re-charge, re-fuel, and re-learn. And for my little Cameron, to realize that the life he has at home isn't so bad... and that he is loved and will be taken care of. This is a painful journey. But I had a very good friend tell me that healing is painful... for anyone... even adults. This is painful for Cameron. For me. For Tyler. But I know, in the end, the pain will have been MORE than worth it!

This is a marathon journey toward healing... no where near the "sprint" I had hoped for, and wanted it to be. This journey is not just about Cameron and his struggles. It is just as much my own personal journey... a pretty amazing, hand-crafted one from above... specifically for me. And I am so grateful for it!!

grateful

i have days fairly often where i am just filled with gratitude. i feel peace and comfort pretty much every day. but this overwhelming gratitude is different. it's beyond the peace i feel each day. and i love days where i am filled with this gratitude. today happens to be one of those days.

if you don't want to read a journal entry, stop now. i'm going into a lot of detail about some stuff, and it's going to be long. :)

my two younger kids have been sick. and i mean, really sick. i have never in my life, had a stomach bug this bad or watched another person be so ill. it was really sad. and i have some major anxiety when it comes to throwing up. i think i know where it comes from. an experience as a young teenager...

from the moment my parents announced we would be moving from south florida to bloomfield hills, michigan, i was sick every night and had major trouble falling asleep. i remember how real my stomach hurting was. every. single. night. my stomach felt like i needed to throw up. i don't remember ever actually throwing up. but it happened each night. i would get anxious because it was almost bedtime, and i knew that feeling was coming back. and it did. every night. my mom bought me some mylanta. for a sour stomach. it helped. i took that stuff for years. and i'm not talking sometimes. i'm talking every. single. night. if we went out of town, i brought my mylanta with me. we had it stocked in the house. stocked at our cabin in island park. we had it everywhere. my stomach issues lasted several years i think. but i finally grew out of it once i made friends in michigan and settled there.

this is the only thing i can think of where my anxiety with throwing up would come from. if anyone is sick or has been sick with a stomach bug, i stay as far away as possible. not just for a few days. at least a week after their symptoms are gone. i stay away. i even don't like bringing my kids to nursery in the winter time because of stomach bugs. i get paranoid. it's weird though... when we occasionally have this kind of bug going around at our house, i always think, "why am i so anxious about this? it's not that big of a deal." i have even thought that while leaning over the toilet myself. "this isn't that bad. why do i freak out about it?" i even will drink a coke or sprite to help calm my nerves... (no. no one has taken over this blog. i really just wrote that. if you know me, you KNOW, i do not drink soda. but i do. rarely. if i have a stomach bug of anxiousness about a stomach bug, it helps settle me for some reason). and yes, it helps. i stop eating for a few days... i basically treat myself like i have the bug, even if it's my kids that have it. i know. very weird. very strange. and yes, i'm pretty sure i need therapy. i know it's not normal. and it does interfere with my quality of life. :)

so back to why i am so grateful. (i wanted to document that experience from my childhood though and why i am so weird about puking). my husband is well aware of how much anxiety i have about throwing up. so when our kids started coming in our room every 10 minutes around 9:30 at night, i started to freak out a little. he said, "why don't you go sleep in bed. i'll sit out in the hallway all night and read my book and help them." of course, i didn't sleep. my stomach hurt. it was empty, which i wasn't sure if i was sick too, or if it was because i hadn't had my nightly snack that i always need while breastfeeding. but i was too scared to eat that snack. so i didn't. i tossed and turned and tossed and turned. i got up a few times to help tyler and the kids. and by 2 AM, i grabbed a coke out of the garage and brought a blanket and pillow in the hallway to help too. the kids eventually joined us and we all rested (haha. in between the throwing up and cleaning up) in the hallway all night.

does my husband rock or what? he stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG and was willing to do all of the work so i could rest. he even took the following day off so he could continue to help. yes, they were still throwing up for the entire day the next day. (not as often, but still). i am beyond grateful for him today. one of my love languages is acts of service. that is one of the ways i feel very loved. so for tyler to stay up all night with me and help screamed to me how much he loved me. for tyler to stay up all night is saying A LOT. he struggles waking up in the night. i would say i am up with kids in the middle of the night 99% of the time. so this was huge for him.

i am also feeling immense gratitude for this process i am going through. i am so grateful for all i have learned. for the peace i feel in my life. i love that the feeling in my home is so similar to the feeling of the temple. i don't say that in a prideful way at all. i just felt everything except peace before i started this journey. and now, i feel so much peace in my home and in my heart. i love it. i welcome it. i thrive in it.

sometimes when people find out what my life is like, they feel bad for me. i have days when i feel bad for me too. but in all honesty... i would not change a thing. yes, cameron has been a tough kid for me. he is hard. always has been. we have struggles. but given the chance to do it all over again, i would do it the same. (except maybe i would have gotten help sooner). i wouldn't trade cameron for the way he is. through him, i have been taught so much. through his disorder, i have been taught on a level i never thought possible. i feel like i'm learning at a pace that is way faster than i would otherwise have learned. god gave me this challenge to help me grow and become the woman i am meant to become. boy is it working! and fast! he knew this journey would take me where i needed to go. for that, i am so thankful. some days, it is HARD. some days, i feel bad for me. and i desperately want out! i want to go back to a normal and fun life. but most days, i am just grateful. grateful to be where i am. grateful for this journey. grateful for my cameron. my husband. my friends at new hope that have taught me everything i know. grateful for the spirit that guides me daily, if i am in a place to hear it, listen to it, and follow it.

i'm beyond grateful today.

church

today was stake conference. tyler wanted everyone to go. i was worried about if cameron was in a good place for attending church. we tried it. he didn't even make it out the door.

cameron started crying over his socks and shoes. they felt weird. (this was very much a behavior he had each week about going to church). oh. my. word. it was a joke. today made me flashback to a year ago. i remember around this time last year, tyler leaving cameron screaming his brains out in the apartment and coming out to the van, shaking his head, week after week after week after week. cameron would go into a screaming, crying, fit, and rage over his socks feeling weird. not wanting to wear the shoes tyler asked him to. they felt weird. he would cry, have a meltdown. almost like a panic attack or something. over his socks and shoes. getting cameron dressed for church was a nightmare we dreaded every week. (he started this about when we moved to washington). of course we didn't give him the choice. we have been going to church since before cameron was born. he should be used to it, right? it wasn't about church for him. once he got there, he was fine, loved primary, etc. it was getting him there that was a nightmare. i remember one sunday, bawling my eyes out on the way to church as cameron raged in the backseat, screaming and ripping all of his clothes off. this was his weekly routine. we'd get him dressed, drag him out to the car with his shoes in our hands, with him screaming the entire way. and the 20 minute drive to church was hell. screaming, throwing things, ranting, raving. undressing himself, only so we'd get to church to put his clothes back on. it sucked. i didn't know what to do. tyler even went and talked to the bishop about it. (this was all shortly before we found new hope). how difficult cameron was for me and that i was losing it. i remember feeling so lost... i had no clue how to help cameron. but this was one of the signs i had that something was WRONG. this was not normal behavior. it's not like we suddenly started making cameron going to church. and it wasn't about going to church... he liked church once he got there. i was so confused. 

we had a few other major signs that something was terribly wrong inside of cameron... his violence was out of control. he wasn't only threatening to hurt me and himself. but he was acting on it. in very serious ways. with weapons. he started with just threats, which quickly turned into reality. i was terrified that my 5 year old son was so emotionally disturbed and angry that he was attempting to hurt himself and me. it was scary. really scary.

so, back to today. he started the crying over his shoes. he wasn't having a meltdown about it, but he was crying, and laid back on the floor to tie his shoe (go figure), and whacked his head on the door. more crying. and then he started blaming the door. he does this a lot. nothing is ever his fault. he blames. blames. blames. on ridiculous things... like doors being in his way. or our house being so small that he doesn't have room to do correct jumping jacks. the bathroom is so small that he does crappy jumping jacks. he doesn't take ownership of much of his behavior.  :)  depending on the day of course. so, in my heart, i knew cameron was not up to going to church today. but he continued to put on his shoes. everyone else was ready and going out the door. he started to panic inside. he was crying, but trying so hard to get his shoes tied. i knew his anxiety was too much. he was talking to himself. telling himself it was okay and to hurry and tie his shoes so he could go. "i want to go mom. i want to go." i started to get tears in my eyes. i knew it was too much for him. and i was crying for him. that he has to go through this as a little 6 year old. i told him it was okay. tyler left with the little kids and i stayed with cameron. as usual.  :)  i held him in the hallway as he cried. no fit. no screaming. no ranting. raving. yelling. blaming. he just cried. and i held him with tears streaming down my face. i told him that i loved him. and that everything was going to be okay. it was such a tender moment i think i will remember forever. i brought him out to the couch and traced my finger around his face. loving him. and holding him. the spirit was so strong and my love for him was overwhelming. i hoped he could feel it. i tried to send him a message through my eyes and my heart how much i loved him. i don't know if cameron is capable of feeling true love yet. i really don't. he uses "love" and relationships for manipulation. i don't think he has felt true love in his heart before. i don't believe he has allowed himself to... that's part of what we are trying to heal in him. getting him to learn how to experience true feelings.

i think this experience was far more important than attending stake conference today. not bringing cameron to church is hard for us. but i think what's harder is the judgement we have felt from others by this choice. it goes contrary to everything i was taught growing up and continue to be taught. it goes against some family members opinions. it obviously goes against what prophets and apostles advise. it goes against everything i've ever known. but i know deep in my heart, we need to do what is best for cameron. and some days, it's best that he stays home. i feel like he is definitely getting closer to being ready to go more regularly. most of the time, his behavior at church is fine. and i'm talking sacrament. primary is a whole other issue for these kids. extremely over-stimulating. but it's the behaviors he has when he gets home that have shown me that church was too much for him in the past. he would argue more, forget his "yes moms," have meltdowns. he was back into his "control mode," fighting for any control he could possibly get. the few times we have tried church since we got home in august, this is what he would do. it was how he acted after church that showed me he couldn't handle it.

we will get there. i have such a hope for cameron and his healing. we are seeing so much progress. and on days where i feel like we aren't progressing, i have to read emails back from last summer from when he was at new hope and how he would spend time screaming at the teachers, yelling, how he would hit me, kick me, spit in my face, blow his snot all over the floor or himself, refuse to do work of any kind, refuse to stay on a blanket and play with blocks. we have come so far. and my love for him is at a level it has never been before. this is just as much my journey as it is for cameron. it's not just that he doesn't have an attachment to me. i also, do not have an attachment to cameron. but we are working on that. and i feel more love for him than i ever have in the past. so we are making progress. it is slow. slower than i would like. but this journey is teaching me so much about love, life, christ, family, and following the spirit. it's a perfect test for me in this life. absolutely perfect.

CAMP REVOLUTION

so i'm going to try and make this post quick but informative...

we need your help! my little family of 6 has decided to attend CAMP REVOLUTION this summer. it's a camp that is specifically designed for families that have children that suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder (which my oldest son does). however, the price tag is quite large. (several thousand dollars). we really feel we need to continue to be educated and get help for cameron. we have been told by the ladies at new hope that these camps are amazing and life changing.

we took a leap of faith, and signed up, and put our deposit down, even though we really don't know how the money thing will work out.

we are asking for your help.

there are two ways you can donate:

1. PAYPAL

we've created a donations link on the right-side of our blog (my rad blog and family blog) through paypal. (it's labeled DONATE). keep in mind, there is a fee that one of us has to pay if you donate through paypal. you can choose to pay that fee, or have it come out of my paypal account (your donation amount). also, it will not be an anonymous donation if you use paypal. i will be able to see in my paypal account who has donated money and how much they donated.

2. SEND A CHECK TO PAM (the woman in charge of our camp)

pam will keep this information anonymous. we will be unaware of who sent money and how much. we will only know the "balance" of our account that we owe for camp revolution. so if you, or someone you know would like to donate, but would like it to be anonymous (or you just don't want to use paypal), here is the address where you can send your donation.

OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits, Inc.

c/o Camp Revolution

3607 Solokar Road #1

Loon Lake, WA 99148

please make your checks payable to: OK-9 Corral Bed and Biscuits

when your donation is received, pam will take that money out of the balance our family owes.

just put our family name on your check somewhere to let them know it is for the dansie family.

we have to have our balance paid off by may 1st.

we know many of you aren't able to donate. we understand and don't expect it. but we thought we would do the uncomfortable, and ask for help. we truly appreciate those who are willing and able to help us continue to give cameron opportunities to heal through donating to this cause.

thank you so much for your help!

a fantastic week... for me

it's been one of those weeks... in a good way!

the funniest part is, it was a really rough week for cameron. he's been very back and forth. and then had two really bad days in a row. the difference was, i let myself still have great days. i didn't get emotionally caught up with his choices and behaviors. i wasn't irritated, frustrated, annoyed, in the LEAST! the fact that he was raging, yelling, screaming, kicking, whining, crying, throwing tantrums, doing terribly pathetic jumping jacks, not saying "yes mom" or "no mom," which is an expectation of respect in our house (for him especially). i just let it all roll off my back, gave him consequences, and zero privileges, and made sure to "fill up" with affection and playing with my other kids. i just let cameron make his choices, held my expectations super high of him, and let him choose. and after two days, he was HAPPY! the happiest i've seen him in months!

really... i would go to him when he was doing jumping jacks to tell me he had a "need," and almost every time, he had a little smile on his face. my jaw dropped i think. he has NEVER had a smile on his face (a sincere child-like one), while doing jumping jacks. he knew he was doing excellent jumping jacks like i expected him to. i had to hold myself back from jumping for joy, kissing him all over, being so excited for him. i knew that would send him right back down the tunnel of hell that he came from. so i said things like, "i notice you have decided to do good jumping jacks today cameron." and "is that a smile on your face?" i said to him, "you have been smiling a lot today." he looked at me, smiled, and said, "i know. i don't know why!"

it lasted... for most of the day.... i played a game of memory with him which he handled great. then we spent a few minutes just talking with avery and looking at her with all the kids. i could see him starting to get that look back in his eyes. and i was sad for him. we attempted a memory game with me and all the kids. it ended early. he started to go down his spiral... it's the end of the day though. we will see where he is tomorrow. maybe angry again. who knows. but i saw him! the real cameron today! and i was thrilled. but if he decides to be the angry, guarded cameron tomorrow... let it be. i'm still going to have a great weekend!

i had so many moments this week of awe. awe of how much i love my life now. how grateful i am for four beautiful children. and one especially that is "my refiner" as kasey calls these radishes. he truly is in my life to teach me... through some interesting ways. but i have been so grateful this week for this trial i have with cameron. grateful for all i am learning. grateful for the love i have developed for him. grateful for the things i have learned and the way i run my house now...

you know, it's interesting. i always wanted to raise my kids like this. i always wanted to turn the tv off. i never wanted my kids to watch much tv or movies. never wanted them to play video games. i wanted to play games together. to have children that were respectful and listened the first time they were asked. to love my children and be filled with that pure love of christ when i look at them. to have a home full of peace and love. to feel the spirit daily. to have 95% of my days be good and uplifting (100% would be nice, but comon)! until these last 6 months, my house and life was pretty much the opposite of all of this. i was even letting the way my children ate go down the drain. i'm a health fanatic, and at one point, last winter, we were going to the mcdonalds playground once per week. now some people might do that, and that's fine. but if you know me, you KNOW that is NOT ME! but i was beyond losing it. i was gone. i was as out of control as cameron. i had no authority, no peace, not much love, and just chaos. and then i got pregnant. and i was not happy. (and that is an understatement). that sounds awful, but i was. how in the world was i going to do all of this WITH ANOTHER ONE!!! i am beyond grateful to my heavenly father for the tender mercy he sent me of learning the things i have learned BEFORE i had avery. i had a really good handle on things before she arrived. for that, i am thankful every day.

i now live the life that i always wanted. peace, love, calm, uplifting. bottom line... i cannot be happier with the way my life is right now.

whew

where has the time gone? in so many ways, times flies by for me. but in so many ways, it crawls!

so how has my RADish been? up and down. up and down. up and down. the key is for me to not go up and down with him.

the holidays sucked. they got way worse when we put up our christmas tree. we had sacrificed EVERYTHING over the holidays. no halloween. (not that i minded. i hate the holiday. i'm not even sure why they call it a holiday). thanksgiving couldn't really be anxiety and stress free. i had a baby. (a really cute one too). we had tyler's mom here for a week and my mom here. we didn't do anything different. we did the same stuff with cameron. we kept it as simple as possible with a new baby in the house and people visiting. kept our outings few and far between and short-lived. 2 weeks before christmas, we got a small tree. i decorated it very simply by myself. not long after we put it up, cameron really started digressing. he started being really mouthy, disrespectful, rude, just mean. and really mad. mad over the fact that he wasn't in charge. he started pushing boundaries even more. i knew it was because we put the tree up. he could feel my stress about his choices lately too. i just wanted the holidays to be over so we could get him back on track! we kept presents simple too. one puzzle, one book for each child. a dollhouse to share. they opened a pair of jammies christmas eve. that's it. no big, loud, obnoxious toys. nothing too overstimulating. but i was wrong... it was too overstimulating.

we took the tree down christmas night. i was so ready to get things back to normal so cameron could settle down and pull out of his fight for survival and control. the funny thing is, he did! he was so much different the next day.

but we took a step back a few days ago. yesterday was the worst day he has had in a while. i noticed that recently, he hasn't been saying, "yes mom" like he is supposed to, has been more talkative (his talking that is for control over situations, to be the center of everything). it just wasn't feeling good to me. so i decided to go back to square one yesterday. pull all of his control away. and he freaked. i was shocked he didn't rage. but he was mad. really mad. i didn't let him have any choices. i made him do jumping jacks every time he didn't say, "yes mom." or "no mom," instead of "yeah." or "ok." i brought my standards back up super high (i should have never let them drop. somehow with a new baby, christmas, i wasn't as calm inside, and i didn't even really notice that i wasn't expecting as much out of him). i think this is what caused his spiral downfall that i was starting to notice. he wasn't settled during the holidays. but once that tree went up, he started downward (was good for a week or so afterwards), and then started falling even more. so once i tightened those boundaries on him big time, he was mad at me. oh well!

i've been talking with the girls at new hope a lot recently. with some of the things i was noticing about cameron. his food stuff... saving food if he really liked it for the next day (as if he's afraid it's never coming back), asking for more food, etc. (sounds normal, but again, he does this all in need for "control"). we also have some good consequences for his bathroom issues. after his clogging the toilet wasn't working for control anymore, he started waiting until the last minute to go to the bathroom (pee). he has always done this to an extent. but i noticed he was waiting until the last minute. BIG TIME. to the point that by the time he'd do his jumping jacks to ask to use the bathroom, and got into the bathroom, he was peeing everywhere. all over my shower curtain, twice. well, when he does that, he gets to do wash. so he was washing my entire shower curtain and his clothes. it took him a long time. like we're talking a few hours. to wring out a shower curtain until it's not dripping? and SEVERAL times. not just once. so after that happened a few times, and he wasn't quitting the behavior of waiting so long to pee, i asked lauralee what to do. she said to have him take toilet time every hour. where he has to go sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every hour. she said to tell him, "i can tell you have a need to practice going to the bathroom. i can give that to you." so i set the timer (we set timers like CRAZY in this house), and he sits there for 10 minutes. after the second time, i found what i KNEW he would do... opened the door to check on him... his pants were down and he was standing in front of the mirror. i said, "oh, i can see you need more practice with sitting." and i gave him a 30 minute session in the bathroom instead of the normal 10. all because he wanted to do it "his way" and not the way i asked him to do it. i have to make the consequence worse than his need and want to "control" (even in small things like trying to trick me by standing in front of the mirror while in "toilet time" instead of sitting on the toilet like i asked him to). it's working though. he doesn't get the chance to wait until the last minute to pee because he gets a chance to go every hour! lauralee is a genius!

he lied to me too... about needing toilet paper. said he pooped (remember i take the toilet paper out and he only gets a certain amount). yeah, he told me he had pooped. he didn't. but he did have poop that needed to be cleaned up on him. i made him "pay" for the toilet paper. he owed me jumping jacks. and he owed me more jumping jacks for lying.

i have to be SO SPECIFIC with cameron. i can't leave ANY gray area or he sees it as "open to manipulate." it's so annoying. but we're trying to help him heal from this.

some days, i feel like this is going to be my life forever. watching my son's every move. bringing him with me everywhere. i feel like he's never going to heal. i miss having someone to "watch" cameron so i can GO OUT! so i can go do something fun with my healthy kids. or go on a date with tyler and not worry about what cameron is doing at home. that's when i really wish we lived in utah so i could take him to respite or new hope so i could do something fun. go to a friend's house with our family. this is such a long process.

but i also think of how much i have grown in the past 6 months. i am growing and learning at lightning speed. i think the lord knew this was the only way to get me to rely on him, to feed my spirit regularly, to learn and grow. it's such a perfect test for me. it really is. i have grown leaps and bounds. and so has cameron! even though we take steps backwards all the time, i think back to those first days at new hope and where he was a year ago. i remember dragging him to church week after week. tyler getting so frustrated with just getting him dressed for church, he'd leave him in the apartment and come down to the car fuming mad. i'd have to go back up and drag cameron outside... we'd finally get him in the car, and the entire way to church, i would be crying because he would be taking off all of his clothes we just spent 25 minutes getting on him. he'd mess up his hair we did. i was honestly at a loss for what to do. i didn't know what was wrong with him. i wish i had listened to my gut a year before when i said to tyler several times, "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM!!!!" so i have to think back to moments like those when i feel like this journey will never end. we have come so far. cameron is healing. it's just taking a long time.

i wish our therapist in utah would never have put a time table on it. i wish he would have said, "he could be healed in as little as 6 months, or as long as 5 years." or like tyler reminded me, he could choose to struggle with this his entire life. but i know i'm doing the best i can. i really am. the temple brings me an immeasurable amount of peace each week. i could not do this without it!

like i have said before, it may take until the next life. i can't force cameron to make good choices. i can't allow my happiness to be based on his choices. period. now or ever. i have to choose for me. and he has to choose for him. i'm just providing the best path possible for him to heal.

we are going to a camp this summer. a camp that is directed by nancy thomas. she is an attachment specialist and has been for YEARS. kasey at new hope learned from her. it is for our entire family. even though the cost is extremely expensive for us (and we're not sure how that's even going to work out), i feel really good about going. with no support here in the tri cities, we need something to continue to educate us and help our family. it's in june for a week. i am so excited. and it's here in washington (about 3 hrs from our home), which makes it nice.

i am so glad to be already started in this journey and not at the beginning. that's one huge blessing i feel right now! now onto more months of hope and healing for my RADish, me, and my family!