i almost don't even know what to say, it has been so long since i've posted on here. (actually, my family blog has gone 3 months without hearing from me. so bad since it's my journal and family history records).
i wanted to write about something that happened at camp that i forgot to write in my last post. it is a moment i hope i never forget.
nancy thomas (the director of the camp) had us practice "cuddle time" with our kids. this is basically holding your kids like a baby (in the rocking position), having their hands placed against your back and another on your arm in front, and your arms wrapped around them as well. ideally, you feed them some sort of milk sugar (closest thing you can get to sweet milk/breast milk). so chocolate, caramels, etc. lots of loving eye contact, playfulness, etc. it's bonding time to rebuild those connections that weren't built when the kids were little (mostly for cameron and not my other kids). so, i pulled cameron up into my arms. even though nancy reminded us to try to keep this time "light" and fun, and not so emotional and heavy (if you can help it), i could NOT help it. tears started pouring out of my eyes as i looked at cameron in the eyes. i was filled with such a deep love for him. i often feel that love for my other children. but for cameron, it is much less often and far between. i could not help myself. i kept crying and crying. stroking his face and telling him some things i remembered about the day he was born and preparing for his coming to earth. i was so filled with emotion and love.
to my surprise, cameron started to have tears trickle down his face. it wasn't anything fake or phony. i could feel him taking in my love. i knew he felt it! i was thrilled. there have been several times where we are in a similar situation and i pray he can feel my love. but i can feel those walls up around his heart. and i know he doesn't feel any of it. but this time was different. it was amazing and the spirit was so strong.
it was time to switch to the next child (i now wish i would have kept cameron for longer). i moved on to isaac and then macey.
afterwards, my mom told me that when cameron was finished with cuddle time with me, he went and sat next to my mom while he waited to have cuddle time with dad. she said he was bawling. his crying did not stop. he was sobbing. she asked him what was wrong and he said, "i was just thinking about how hard it was for my mom to have me." he was so emotional and it was REAL!!! honestly, that one single moment made our trip to camp worth it. to have that moment of bonding with cameron was so worth the trip and money.
you have to understand, i don't have moments like that very often with him. like i said, i often have overwhelming feelings of love for my other children. but from day 1 with cameron, i did not have them very often at all. he was so hard for me and such a tough baby, that i rarely had those moments. they are getting much more often since starting this journey over a year ago. but we still have a lot of work to do!
we are settled in here in utah. we have had many bumps in the road. we had to take cameron out of school after 2 weeks because of finances. but we have worked it out and he started back a week ago, twice per week. he is kind of in a slump right now, and i'm trying to help him get out of it. but he is struggling to be motivated to come out of his slump. but we are trying to work it through with him.
i still feel and see so much hope in him. that one day, he will be able to handle his anxiety to be able to go to school and be successful. we are just trying to pave the best way for him to get there. and if that means homeschooling him until he is 15, i will do it.
i have had people question me why he isn't in school. he has a very hard time with the need to be perfect (to the point of meltdowns and paralyzing paranoia) and has so much anxiety, that a room full of kids would be very hard for him to focus. he is brilliant academically but pretty behind emotionally, and socially. so right now, we feel having him home is best, and in new hope, where there are limited kids and great teachers, that know him well, how he functions, and what he needs, to aid him in his healing.
i think sometimes people think this is what i want. it is not what i want. if i had it my way, he would be in school, having fun with friends, playing outside with the neighbor kids, going to friends houses, being a normal kid. but he isn't there yet. and i'm not going to let him just because i want it for him. it would actually do damage for him and this process to allow him to do these things at this point. he has to be ready for all of those things, otherwise, they will only aid him in going backwards. (and trust me. he has gone backwards lately and he has done none of those things yet). tyler and i are doing what we feel is best for cameron. and we always will... regardless of the price we pay and the judgements that are placed against us. cameron's healing far surpasses anything else we are worried about right now. and if that means keeping him out of school and away from other kids for 10 years, we will do it.
i'll update sooner next time. i swear! now onto updating my family page that is 3 months overdue!
