lots of steps backwards

i think i'm going to start a separate blog to journal about my baby that struggles with reactive attachment disorder. then i can keep our family blog separate from it... even though this journey involves everyone. and it's a huge part of our family right now. well, it's the center of our family. rad. that's sad that rad is the center of my family. it sucks. oh well. it's a huge learning and growing experience for me. and i mean HUGE!

with all the changes we have going on here, cameron is wigged out. and i mean wigged out. i know this because of old behaviors coming back. very child-like behaviors. behaviors we were able to get rid of while we were in utah. well, they are back. and some that he hasn't done for a few years are back. ugh! it's so tiring and hard to not feel bad for him. to just let him make choices (even though he doesn't even understand or realize why he does some of them). some of these behaviors include:

*pushing limits and boundaries that a month ago, he wouldn't have pushed. like...

-bending the rules constantly. every rule possible is bent. every expectation is pushed. and i mean EVERY rule and expectation. asking him to hang on to the cart while we are out and he moves all over every area of the cart... especially changing his position to go stand on the other side by grandma. a month ago, he would have held onto the cart in the same spot and not moved.

-coming out of his room at night and trying to watch tv from the corner. a month ago, he never would have done that. just pushing his boundaries and limits.

*being obedient in his own way- putting his spin of control on almost everything. some on purpose. a lot of the time, his brain automatically does it. he's back in "control mode" to an extent. me asking him to put away his toys and him saying, "yes mom" but then finishing the last puzzle piece or two before putting it away.

*pee and poop- not only is he getting poop in his underwear almost daily (it's slowing down now that he's spending hours doing his wash), but he has peed the bed, in the middle of the night a few times. HUGE sign that he is out of whack.

*arguing way more. not letting me be the mom, trusting me, and saying, "yes mom" and doing what i ask. he's trying to do things on "his terms" and not mine. he was doing so awesome at this before the past month.

*tucking his private part between his legs. yes, that is a lot of information. but it's the reality of what's going on. he had an obsession with doing this a few years ago. he's doing it again. i don't know what it means. but i know the behavior is back.

these may seem like normal behaviors. and yes, children without rad do these things. but cameron's is all about control. and he does have an attachment disorder. he is literally still 2 years old inside. i know he doesn't feel calm inside since these behaviors are coming back. i know he's all wigged out with the holidays, the baby coming, grandma here, another grandma coming this week.

i have been able to pull myself emotionally out of it for the most part. let his choices be his choices. you have to! otherwise you feel bad, you cave, you give in slightly. you cannot give in to these kids at all! if i give cameron an inch, he will take it, and take another, and take another, and push for another. the only way to get rid of these behaviors is to take all of his control and choices away. completely away!!! and that is hard. i WANT to give him choices. i WANT to give him freedoms. i WANT him to be a boy. to play. to run. to laugh. but cameron isn't ready for any of it. unfortunately, all of his choices are unhealthy and about control for him. he doesn't make healthy choices. he started to... and i started giving him more choices and privileges. well i did it too fast, and all of this change threw him off at the same time. and that sucks. this is taking so long for him to heal. but i know i am partially to blame. trying to figure it all out. i have felt bad at times and not given as severe of a consequences as i should. and then he starts pushing. and pushing. and pushing for more. and then i get tired. and we start over, tightening the reins even more. whew! it's exhausting

i get more frustrated by his choices. that i have to stay home constantly, can't give my other kids fun privileges when they are being good, don't have anyone else to help with cameron that i can trust 100% to follow through with all of the consequences. someone that knows all of his tricks. how he talks and talks and uses his mouth for attention and control. i get selfish and want a break. and i do try to take those breaks so i can keep giving. but sometimes, especially when new behaviors resurface, it's hard to not get really irritated by what he's doing. like peeing the bed. ugh! cause when he pees the bed, he has to wash the bedding. with his feet. with stomping on it. over and over again. i hate it. i don't want to make him wash them. i know it will take hours for him to go through the process. but what do i do? give in and not make him? and then he'll push and it will become a battle? nope. can't do it.

he's been telling me what a mean mom i am. yeah. it hurts. and there are many times when i feel like a jerk. a complete jerk for a mom. but i KNOW i have to do this. i can't go back. that would be an absolute disaster. he wouldn't feel safe. he would go crazy. so all i can do is my best. tighten in the reins, be consistent, calm, not reactive. don't react to his choices. just give the consequence. our days around here are super boring lately. even ask tyler's mom. super boring!

tyler gave me a blessing the other night. i had a meltdown. with all the stress of the baby and company coming, i lost it. the blessing reminded me that cameron has agency. and that these struggles he has could be something he takes with him for the rest of this life. i cried. a lot. seriously? i'm going through all of this. he's going through all of this? and we still have the possibility of him not healing????? my heart broke in that moment. i was devastated. devastated! here we are doing all of this stuff with him... and in the end, there are two factors i can't control. god's will. and my son's right to choose. i cried even more. i remember telling tyler, "i don't feel any better. i don't feel peace." it hurt to remember that god is in control. as much as i want to be in control (we are all a little bit rad), and i want to be perfect for my son, i can't. i can't do it all. i can't be perfect. i can only do the best i can. and leave the rest up to god's will and my son's ability to choose for himself. whew. that was a hard night to be reminded of that.

life is hard. and i pray that one day, cameron will love me. i pray that one day, he will be able to truly feel love from others. because right now, he doesn't. he uses affection to manipulate almost 100% of the time. i hope that one day, he will be able to feel the love i have for him. some days i feel like it will never come. but other days i feel a great hope for him. i wouldn't be doing all of this if i didn't care or love him desperately. i do. but it's super hard to do and to watch.

we can only do the best we can through all of this change. i can only give what i can... stay as close as i can to the spirit, stay "clear" in my heart and mind so i can be open to those promptings. not get frustrated. just pull myself out of it. let him choose. give the consequences. as a mom, that's hard. i love this little boy. i want him to be that little boy that he was giving me small glimpses of before all this backwards stuff started. i want him to love life and be happy. it's just a long road to get there. a really long and tough road.

grateful

through this pain of trying to help my son and family heal, i am trying to be thankful today...

i was thinking about it earlier. i get down, wishing i didn't have to deal with this. wishing that we could live a "normal" life. as i was crying to tyler this morning before he left for work (and tyler hiding me from cameron so he wouldn't have the satisfaction of seeing me sad), i said that. "sometimes i wish we could just live a normal life." and then the thought immediately came to my mind, "tiffany. what is normal? no one lives the "normal" life." i got thinking...

i know/know of people that:

*have a child with autism.

*have children with other behavioral/mental/physical disorders.

*can't get pregnant after years of trying.

*are hurt mentally, emotionally, physically by their spouses. people that don't have a job. *people are losing their homes or have already lost it.

*have lost a child, spouse, close family member.

and it occurred to me that i need to do the best i can to not get down. to be fiercely grateful for all that i have been given. yes, i do have my "cup." my struggles. my hardships. i have a son with rad. but really... i am SO blessed!

i have...

*a husband who loves me. our relationship has NEVER been better than it is now. EVER! our son no longer has the control of mine and my husband's relationship in his hands. he doesn't get between us anymore.

*three children (and soon to be four)

*a healthy body that can exercise, carry babies, perform basic functions (even though i have gained close to 30 lbs recently).

*education- one i'm especially grateful for that the lord led me to 4 months ago... education about my son and his disorder. and boy am i grateful the lord led me to new hope and mr. max BEFORE this baby came so i could become a healthier mom.

*a job (tyler's). in this economy, we feel so blessed to not only have a great paying job, but to have people seeking him out several times in the past year since he graduated, trying to recruit him to come work for their company.

*a home (even if it's not "mine").

*money to meet our needs and some wants

*the gospel and temple. oh where would i be without it! surely... an absolute disaster.

*the atonement of jesus christ. that i can mess up and try to do and be better next time. that's what this life is all about.

*family. i love my little one. but it's really not so little anymore. we're soon to be a family of 6. holy crap!

just to name a few... i have a lot to be grateful for. and i need to remember, that even if i can't "see" people's struggles on the outside, they have them.

backwards

it's hard watching your kids go backwards... i'm talking about cameron of course. it's hard to watch him suffer the consequences of his choices and me having to crack down on him big time.

you see, when i was at new hope, i didn't understand a whole lot. but i learned to trust them. and boy am i learning to trust their expertise even MORE now! i thought everything was so extreme. i didn't want to be that extreme. but i have come to learn that i HAVE to be extreme with cameron if he is ever going to heal.

for example:

cameron is still not potty trained. sounds ridiculous at age 6, right? well, he is to an extent. cameron has never dealt with change very well. when we moved to utah a few years ago from arizona, he started peeing his pants. he had been fine for MONTHS. and the change wigged him out. first it was just a little bit of pee and he'd run to the bathroom at the last second. (he has ALWAYS waited until the VERY LAST SECOND to even try to make it to the bathroom). then he started full on peeing everything his bladder was holding. then he moved to poop. he'd get a tiny bit in his pants. well, after just a few days, he was going in the corner and pooping EVERYTHING out in his underwear. as a mom, i was infuriated. i felt like i was still potty training a 2 year old (which in all reality, i was). i would lecture, freak out, stay calm, be patient. nothing worked. eventually, having him clean out his own underwear worked... until the next big change. when cameron started going to new hope and all of his control taken away, the potty stuff started happening again. well, the poop stuff. at new hope, this is a run down of what they have the kids do if they have bathroom issues (which from what i understand, most of them do when all of their control is taken away. they move to food and bodily functions because no one can take that control away from them). so if they mess their pants at all, at new hope they have to...

*fill a bucket with water

*place soiled clothing inside

*stomp/run inside the bucket to get the poop/pee out for several minutes- if they are mad, throwing a fit, being obnoxious doing it, they make them stomp longer

*when you tell them it's time, they dump out the water, wring out the clothing until it's not dripping (cameron had to do this at new hope once with a blanket he peed on... took him a long time to get the blanket to not drip).

*dump the water out of the bucket

*repeat the above steps using, vinegar in the water, detergent in the water, and just water by itself again. so they go through that whole process 4 times.

wait. it gets better...

they then have to repeat this whole process with the clothes they are wearing. at new hope, they keep a change of clothes for each kid. so if they soil their one pair, they have them change into their spare clothes, wash the dirty ones, and then the kids have to put the wet/clean clothes back on and wash the "newly soiled" spare clothes they changed into. those clothes are now "soiled" from their bodies which had the pee/poop on them. so they have to follow those above steps (4 different times... with water, vinegar, detergent, and water again) with the "spare clothes." sounds super drastic right?

well there is a reason the women at new hope are so smart with these kids. they have been dealing with them for YEARS. they know that the consequence has to be extreme enough for these kids to want to stop the behavior. and it is extreme.

when i was in utah, i only had cameron doing the 4 step process with the original soiled clothes. however, since he has recently started getting poop in his underwear again, i am going to have to start having him do what they do at new hope. and it's not like he gets a ton of poop in there, most of the time. but if i allow a skid mark, he'll push it to a large skid mark. and a larger skid mark. i have to be SO SPECIFIC with this kid. it gets so annoying! i don't want to be that specific and hard nosed! but I HAVE TO BE! if not, i am going to be dealing with these behaviors, a slight variation of them, or him PUSHING AND PUSHING AND PUSHING to get away with other behaviors if i allow any poop in his underwear AT ALL! TRUST ME!!! i have tried to not be so strict and give him the benefit of the doubt. but more and more, i'm finding he has to have extremely clear lines. if not, he pushes to the limit of me going insane. (that's why i was on the verge of insanity before we started all of this).

so why is he going backwards? why are old behaviors resurfacing? like arguing more often rather than just saying, "yes mom." and trusting me. like doing really sloppy jumping jacks. like hiding two toys under his pillow at night when we don't bring toys to bed. like putting his slippers 6 inches out from the wall when he knows i asked him to put the slippers in the very corner of the room, touching the wall.

it's all about control for him. he has to put his little spin on EVERYTHING! from what the ladies at new hope have told me, this time of year is really hard on kids that deal with reactive attachment disorder. lauralee told me that no matter how hard i try to keep things low key at home, the kids can feel that nothing is low key in society. and they feel it. they have a had time staying focused, not becoming too hyper and out of whack. cameron forgets things. little things. that we have been doing for months. and i know it's because he isn't calm inside. he may look calm on the outside. but i know from small behaviors that he isn't. tapping his feet constantly. rocking in his chair at the desk. forgetting little things that we do every day. not focused on school work. he's overstimulated inside. and he hates when i have him take some "quiet time" on the blanket in the bathroom where there is very little stimulation. to get him to "calm down" inside and just relax. he feels like it's punishment. and it's not. it's just to help him re-focus and relax. and it works after about 20 minutes of him laying on a blanket in the bathroom.

it's hard to watch him go backwards. it's FRUSTRATING! but i can't let it get to me. because cameron LOVES for me to be frustrated. sad. but true. in fact, he LOVES for me to be anything but happy. he THRIVES when i'm frustrated or sad or feel beat up. i wish he wanted me to be happy. but deep inside, he loves it. want to know how i know? first off, we have no connection... or a very small one. he's very deceitful.

the other day, i was upset. i had scheduled my time to spend in the temple and tyler got busy at work and got home 20 minutes late. i was mad. and i was crying. i had to cancel my appointment. tyler and i were talking about it. we weren't raising our voices (we don't do much of that at all anymore... which is a miracle in and of itself. i used to yell and rant constantly. but really, i rarely do now. with my kids or with tyler). but we were kind of arguing and i was crying. cameron was doing puzzles around the corner from us. he peered around the corner to look at me with this look of complete satisfaction on his face. he was smiling. i was devastated. so hurt. that my 6 year old son wanted me to be sad and frustrated. he wanted tyler and i to be arguing. my heart broke for a moment. and i sternly told him to get back to his work. it hurts when your child doesn't have any love for you. and really... he doesn't. i hope it comes someday. and i believe it will. i get glimpses of it sometimes (which i have written about previously). sometimes, he shows a little hint of love. and i can't help but get emotional and cry. but when he shows me that he loves me being miserable, it really hurts my feelings.

so anyway. i'm babbling about nothing now, but i'm trying to just be "okay" with his choices. not getting mad. not doing things for him. he has to learn by his own experiences. i can't do things for him. i have to sit back, give the consequence, and watch him choose and hopefully learn. it's hard. sometimes i feel like we are never going to be normal. sometimes i feel like this journey is going to take a lifetime. and it might. but i can never give up hope that someday, cameron will feel the love i have grown to have for him over these last few months. and i pray that he doesn't hate me for making him suffer. it's hard. but the feeling and thoughts i get in my heart when contemplating this whole process... when i'm feeling badly for my kids that we have to do this. when i just want cameron to be a kid. when i don't want to ask him what problem i have with his room is in the mornings (when he made his bed really sloppy and crappy on purpose or left one thing out that he knows he should do, just for the purpose of control), the thought that continually comes to me is that "tiffany. you are teaching your children to be obedient with exactness. you are doing what you need to be doing." that is the ONLY thing that keeps me going some days. when i get a thought to have cameron do it over, or say no to isaac and macey for something they ask for. to test them. to see if they will throw a fit or say, "yes mom" and let it go. this is hard stuff. but i am grateful for it. and grateful that i know deep in my heart, i am doing what's best for my family.

so even if we have to go backwards for a few months... with all the holidays here, a new baby coming in the next few weeks, grandma's coming to visit to help... it's bound to throw my kids out of whack a little bit. all i can do is keep things as simple as possible and stay consistent!!!!! i am excited for this baby to come... but the other part of me is terrified to throw change into the mix. but that's part of life. and we have to learn to deal with it. especially cameron.

so here's to being consistent and loving... but firm. what a learning process this is! and a true process. this is no "quick fix" as some people criticized when i first started. this is the longest route possible!!!!

because i want to print this blog one day...

i'm full of blog posts lately... wanted to write down more thoughts, feelings, etc of course, about my rad baby.

i've been reflecting a lot about my first moments at new hope. really. i had NO CLUE what i was in for. (which is a good thing, otherwise i would not have shown up to my appointment). i remember them sending me to talk with my sister who is an emotional release facilitator. they kept cameron upstairs with the other children doing quiet tasks while i went downstairs with kasey and lauralee. when kasey asked me to give them an idea of what life was like for me, i think the first thing i did was burst into tears. i told them how i lived a life of hating my job. i didn't enjoy being a mom. i felt like i was being pulled in forty five different directions all the time. i never got a break. my kids were demanding, whiny, rude, disrespectful, high maintenance. i remember telling them that i was often emotionally wiped out by 8:00 in the morning. before tyler even left for work. i remember telling them how difficult cameron was for me. that i tried to be patient with him. but i was a wreck. i was yelling all the time, spanking, swearing, freaking out daily. DAILY PEOPLE! i was at the end of my rope emotionally. as one rad mom put it, "i was as out of control as my child." i was not that mom i wanted to be. i did not have good feelings toward cameron. and i felt so much guilt for it. i really felt like i was doing the best i could. but i was drowning... and NO one was throwing me a life preserver. no one was there. no one understood. no one "got it." i had many times (way more often than not) that i wanted to throw in the towel and walk out. take my own life. be done. it's sad, but it's true. i would think i needed a break, so i'd go out to target on a saturday and have tyler babysit... only to come home just as "down" and "beat into the ground." not much seemed to lift me. i struggled with depression, but i didn't know it. i had no connection with god. i never felt him. i struggled to feel much but despair, grief, frustration, and anger.

i had to leave out the back door to leave new hope. i couldn't stand the pain of leaving cameron behind in a place where i knew from the first 5 minutes, they weren't emotionally involved with these kids, and they weren't going to let them get away with anything. they were strict. very strict. and had no interest in playing the games that i didn't know cameron played. they were going to take all of his control away. all of it. and i couldn't bare to have him see me walk out a basket case. so i walked out the back door, ran to my car, and drove to heather's house.

heather is an emotional release facilitator... helping people release emotions that are holding them back in a way or inhibiting their life. heather was the reason i even knew of kasey and new hope. she has worked with several of the children that have been at new hope, working with kasey before. i really have her to thank for contacting kasey for me when cameron started making very dangerous and scary threats to me and himself, and started acting on some of them... starting just after he turned five years old last fall.

at the beginning of this process, i felt like i was giving up so much of my life. so much of my time, my friends, my family, my everything to do this with cameron. i stayed in utah for 2 months, when i was only supposed to be gone for 3 weeks. i didn't want to. in fact, that first day at new hope, i was trying to come up with every excuse in the book to NOT go back the next day. to not bring cameron back there where he was exposed and hurting. but something deep down inside of me told me i HAD to take him back. i HAD to keep going, as painful as it was. that first week sucked. the first weekend was WORSE. as i put the strict guidelines down with cameron, he was hurting me. kicking, hitting, spitting, punching my 19 week belly. i cried. A LOT. i spent more time crying that first month than i have in my entire life, i'm pretty sure. it was so hard! before long, i realized i had to do the same things with my other kids who weren't being obedient or respectful either. i had to do it all over again with them. and isaac had the same reactions that cameron did... hitting, kicking, screaming, punching my stomach. i couldn't believe it. had he watched cameron's behavior for so long and been so affected by it? that is one thing that has shocked me is how much this has all affected isaac. living with cameron has obviously been very hard on isaac. cameron pretty much hated isaac from the day he was born. and they never bonded, nor were they really friends at all. ever. he clung to macey once she was born, and they have stuck together ever since. i remember kasey telling me that i was going to be helping isaac to not have add. i remember thinking, "isaac? have add? really?" and boy have i seen it since we've been home. if he has free time, he just starts to jump, run, be crazy, jabber about nothing, be super hyper. he has to have directives like cameron... until it becomes more natural for him to not have to go crazy if he doesn't have something to do.

so back to feeling like i gave up my life for all of this... i used to feel like that (and i sometimes still do). but i have come to find through this process that i have not given up anything except disrespectful, disobedient children; a crazy mom who was so unhappy, a life with zero structure, exhaustion, frustration, yelling, screaming, kicking, hitting, fighting. i have been given an opportunity to have a new life that i could not be more grateful for. i would never go back in a million years to the way we lived before... the way I LIVED BEFORE! i used to make fun of people that listened to church or uplifting music all day. yeah. i've become that person (that always seems to happen to me... the people i judge, i become that same way). i used to judge people who were too strict on their kids... i'm now one of them. so really. i haven't given up anything for this life. i have been given a new life that i love... even if i have days where i want out... where my kids are making poor choices and refuse to do what i ask and end up doing 100 jumping jacks during the day and 6 time outs. THEY ARE HAPPIER!

it's funny... as they all started to be more obedient and compliant, i was so happy to give more opportunities for privileges. like play time with mom, going out, saying yes to their requests instead of no, etc. (i basically said no to EVERYTHING. until they stopped throwing fits when i'd say no). well, i gave too many, too fast. cameron started arguing more with me, trying to "boss" me around (in the nice way that he always does- this is because he doesn't trust), isaac started arguing and throwing mini fits, macey was crying more. so we went back to the basics last week of having small boundaries at home and concentrating completely on compliance and respect. what's funny is after two days of doing it (and lots of time outs for isaac and macey), THEY ARE ALL HAPPIER! my kids NEED these boundaries. they BEG for these boundaries. and we have to be extreme because we are doing this all backwards, remember?

back to when i was talking about going to target when i needed a break. i did this a lot. i'd need a break, so i'd go shop. or i'd go sit on the computer. i'd watch a movie. hmmm. only to find out that IT DIDN'T RELIEVE ME OF MY STRESS AND FRUSTRATIONS. i wasn't uplifted AT ALL! something i've learned... nourish your SPIRIT! i think so many of us neglect that. i always wanted a break and thought if i just took some time to watch my favorite tv show or grab a dress at target, i would feel better. i never did. never. never. never. however, this time around, i go to the temple once a week. i don't do it because i want to look so faithful. i do it because it is the ONLY thing that truly lifts me. and there are some weeks that i go and i don't feel lifted. in fact, i'd say about half the time, i come back not feeling as good as i'd like to feel. but there are other weeks where i come out feeling encouraged to keep going. every time, i do feel the confirmation that what i am doing is BEST for my family. not just a good thing. but the BEST thing! last week, i did my weekly session, and the last 25 minutes, i could not stop crying. one of the workers even had to offer me tissues because i could not stop the tears from flowing. i was full of gratitude for what i've learned and have been doing, and burning with the spirit with the will to continue on the path we are on. this is something that has been amazing to me. learning that i need to feed my spirit when i'm struggling and when i'm not struggling. not my wardrobe, target outings, or tv time. the temple used to be so boring to me (and there are many days i still don't feel like going and i'd rather take that trip to target or the mall). but i am learning that life isn't about "fun." and i'm learning that as "fun" as those things can be, they do not bring me happiness whatsoever. i am learning that i don't get blessings from doing those things. i receive blessings when i put what's most important first. this life is not about games, entertainment, and fun. those things are not bad, and i think are important to partake in. but i have had to learn that other things come above it and bring the nourishment i need to survive. for that lesson, i am forever thankful.