cameron started crying over his socks and shoes. they felt weird. (this was very much a behavior he had each week about going to church). oh. my. word. it was a joke. today made me flashback to a year ago. i remember around this time last year, tyler leaving cameron screaming his brains out in the apartment and coming out to the van, shaking his head, week after week after week after week. cameron would go into a screaming, crying, fit, and rage over his socks feeling weird. not wanting to wear the shoes tyler asked him to. they felt weird. he would cry, have a meltdown. almost like a panic attack or something. over his socks and shoes. getting cameron dressed for church was a nightmare we dreaded every week. (he started this about when we moved to washington). of course we didn't give him the choice. we have been going to church since before cameron was born. he should be used to it, right? it wasn't about church for him. once he got there, he was fine, loved primary, etc. it was getting him there that was a nightmare. i remember one sunday, bawling my eyes out on the way to church as cameron raged in the backseat, screaming and ripping all of his clothes off. this was his weekly routine. we'd get him dressed, drag him out to the car with his shoes in our hands, with him screaming the entire way. and the 20 minute drive to church was hell. screaming, throwing things, ranting, raving. undressing himself, only so we'd get to church to put his clothes back on. it sucked. i didn't know what to do. tyler even went and talked to the bishop about it. (this was all shortly before we found new hope). how difficult cameron was for me and that i was losing it. i remember feeling so lost... i had no clue how to help cameron. but this was one of the signs i had that something was WRONG. this was not normal behavior. it's not like we suddenly started making cameron going to church. and it wasn't about going to church... he liked church once he got there. i was so confused.
we had a few other major signs that something was terribly wrong inside of cameron... his violence was out of control. he wasn't only threatening to hurt me and himself. but he was acting on it. in very serious ways. with weapons. he started with just threats, which quickly turned into reality. i was terrified that my 5 year old son was so emotionally disturbed and angry that he was attempting to hurt himself and me. it was scary. really scary.
so, back to today. he started the crying over his shoes. he wasn't having a meltdown about it, but he was crying, and laid back on the floor to tie his shoe (go figure), and whacked his head on the door. more crying. and then he started blaming the door. he does this a lot. nothing is ever his fault. he blames. blames. blames. on ridiculous things... like doors being in his way. or our house being so small that he doesn't have room to do correct jumping jacks. the bathroom is so small that he does crappy jumping jacks. he doesn't take ownership of much of his behavior. :) depending on the day of course. so, in my heart, i knew cameron was not up to going to church today. but he continued to put on his shoes. everyone else was ready and going out the door. he started to panic inside. he was crying, but trying so hard to get his shoes tied. i knew his anxiety was too much. he was talking to himself. telling himself it was okay and to hurry and tie his shoes so he could go. "i want to go mom. i want to go." i started to get tears in my eyes. i knew it was too much for him. and i was crying for him. that he has to go through this as a little 6 year old. i told him it was okay. tyler left with the little kids and i stayed with cameron. as usual. :) i held him in the hallway as he cried. no fit. no screaming. no ranting. raving. yelling. blaming. he just cried. and i held him with tears streaming down my face. i told him that i loved him. and that everything was going to be okay. it was such a tender moment i think i will remember forever. i brought him out to the couch and traced my finger around his face. loving him. and holding him. the spirit was so strong and my love for him was overwhelming. i hoped he could feel it. i tried to send him a message through my eyes and my heart how much i loved him. i don't know if cameron is capable of feeling true love yet. i really don't. he uses "love" and relationships for manipulation. i don't think he has felt true love in his heart before. i don't believe he has allowed himself to... that's part of what we are trying to heal in him. getting him to learn how to experience true feelings.
i think this experience was far more important than attending stake conference today. not bringing cameron to church is hard for us. but i think what's harder is the judgement we have felt from others by this choice. it goes contrary to everything i was taught growing up and continue to be taught. it goes against some family members opinions. it obviously goes against what prophets and apostles advise. it goes against everything i've ever known. but i know deep in my heart, we need to do what is best for cameron. and some days, it's best that he stays home. i feel like he is definitely getting closer to being ready to go more regularly. most of the time, his behavior at church is fine. and i'm talking sacrament. primary is a whole other issue for these kids. extremely over-stimulating. but it's the behaviors he has when he gets home that have shown me that church was too much for him in the past. he would argue more, forget his "yes moms," have meltdowns. he was back into his "control mode," fighting for any control he could possibly get. the few times we have tried church since we got home in august, this is what he would do. it was how he acted after church that showed me he couldn't handle it.
we will get there. i have such a hope for cameron and his healing. we are seeing so much progress. and on days where i feel like we aren't progressing, i have to read emails back from last summer from when he was at new hope and how he would spend time screaming at the teachers, yelling, how he would hit me, kick me, spit in my face, blow his snot all over the floor or himself, refuse to do work of any kind, refuse to stay on a blanket and play with blocks. we have come so far. and my love for him is at a level it has never been before. this is just as much my journey as it is for cameron. it's not just that he doesn't have an attachment to me. i also, do not have an attachment to cameron. but we are working on that. and i feel more love for him than i ever have in the past. so we are making progress. it is slow. slower than i would like. but this journey is teaching me so much about love, life, christ, family, and following the spirit. it's a perfect test for me in this life. absolutely perfect.
