just wanted to get some feelings and memorable moments down...
cameron is doing better and better on school work. he still has days where he fights it, is lazy, won't do the work, starts to have meltdowns about it. but those days are getting less often and it's getting more often that he's willing to work hard and really check his work to find mistakes, rather than "check" it where he just pretty much guesses which ones are incorrect and writes something else down... it's funny. it only causes more frustration because then he has to go back and figure out why he had 3 problems to fix and now he has 4! he used to freak out when i'd tell him, "now you have 4 problems to fix." haha. it was kind of funny. but he's starting to understand that if he does it right the first time and TRIES, it's a lot less work for him! we spend time doing math (which from what i can see, he's more on a 1st-2nd grade level for math rather than kindergarten), reading (no idea what level the words are that he reads. but he's far beyond kindergarten), and writing right now. he is usually doing some sort of "school work" or work where his brain has to be challenged for around 2 hours per day. sometimes more. sometimes less. the rest of the day, he spends time running outside (yes. because of all the "quiet" activities he does, he needs to get energy out... but it's a very directed way of getting energy out- he runs around the perimeter of our backyard for 6-7 minutes, twice per day, right now... well, he runs until i come to get him. but i that's usually what i have him do. he does get "free" play, but most of the time, i chose the activity and he has a boundary he has to stay in... an area of the house (it used to be a blanket when we first started out). he also spends time helping me, doing his assigned chores, quiet time (which he spends reading, doing puzzles, or another quiet activity i give him- playing animals, cars, blocks, etc). one of his favorite things to choose when he does get to choose his activity is playing with babies or the play kitchen. ummm. the old cameron would have NEVER chosen those things and enjoyed them!
it's amazing to watch him progress. he shows qualities of such a little boy, that he never has shown before. cameron was always fighting me before. everything was a battle. i would take him to fun places, like the splash park, or the zoo... i would ask him after, "did you have fun?" and he'd ALWAYS respond with a "kind of." or "sort of." i never heard him say, "yes mom. that was so fun." in fact, the splash park wasn't even "fun" to him unless he had a friend there to play with. i was literally bringing two extra kids to the splash park so it would be fun for cameron. now... even having the privilege of playing with isaac or macey is FUN! he now says very often, "i had fun!" or "that was fun!" to the simplest things. playing hide and seek is one of their favorite things to do together with me or dad. and he laughs... like a little boy. instead of this forced, loud scream he always used to do. when we would try to tickle him, he'd just belt out this annoying scream. to the point where we didn't even want to tickle him because it was so loud and obnoxious. why was he like this? he never allowed himself to feel emotion. he literally didn't understand what it was like to feel happy or to smile for real. getting him to have a genuine smile didn't happen. i remember last fall, before my friend kara took our family pictures, rehearsing with cameron how to smile. i would say, "like you are laughing cam. try laughing" to make his smile more natural, rather than forced. he would do his fake laugh and it kind of helped. but not really. i have seen a real smile from him many times in the past few months. it's amazing. and a light in his eye that has always been absent... well, especially in the past few years. i'll have to post a picture from last fall and a picture of him now. his eyes and smile are like a different kid.
cameron hugged me for the first time the other night. the first time ever. where HE hugged ME! he was standing on top of the toy box before bed and i was in front of him and he reached out and put his arms around me. you may think i'm crazy, but he has NEVER hugged me before. where it's him initiating the affection. i remember one of the first days we were at new hope and he had a meltdown and kasey had me go hold him like a baby and hug him. she literally had to hold his arms up around me, because he just went limp. no affection. no responding to it. he just laid there limp in my arms. and i remember thinking how sad it was that he didn't want to show me any affection back. although his arms the other night were on top of mine (a symbol of his want to be in control), he didn't fight it when i put mine on top of his and his below mine. and the hug was brief. sadly, affection is all fake with him. i didn't understand that (our therapist and kasey had told me that- to be very brief with affection. otherwise, they start to think they are winning you over)... i didn't get how a child could be manipulative with affection. UNTIL i got home and watched him with his dad. everything about the affection he had with tyler was to get gain for himself. to get what he wanted. to manipulate tyler into being nicer than me, to not be as strict as me. and i became so sad. that the people he "loved," he didn't really love at all. because he didn't know how to. his mind just said, "if i hug her, she'll let me run for 5 minutes instead of 6 minutes." or "if i tell dad i want to cuddle with him in the mornings in his bed, i won't have to listen to mom when she tells me to come eat breakfast." i could read the boys eyes. he gets this look in his eyes when he is being manipulative or his mind is in that "mode" of "how can i make this work for me?" and it happens with EVERYTHING! but it's getting less often that i see that look come into his eyes. and that's one reason he doesn't have the privilege to make choices yet... at least not a lot of choices. because he instantly becomes manipulative. he'll even do it if i give him two choices of cereal in the mornings. he instantly gets that look, and sits there for a few moments, contemplating what to choose. i usually say, "i'll just choose for you." or "cameron, it's not hard to choose what kind of cereal you want." he does this a lot with food. i'll give him the choice between a banana and apple. of course he has to ask for a plum. but it's getting better. i think he's starting to learn how to feel real emotions. and it's incredible to watch.
i have such a love for this little boy (now today is a good day, so i'm especially feeling it). he really is a little boy inside. he just never allowed himself to be little. so we make sure to give him time to do that... playing with and doing activities he never did before. he is a sweet boy inside. just sometimes (like 2 weeks ago when he raged and i had to have tyler take the other kids outside because they looked so afraid of cameron while he was raging) he lets other things take over him. but we are healing. he is healing. i am healing. and it's days like today that remind me that what we are doing is working. all of the heartache we have gone through over the past 4 months is starting to pay off. and i have a glimmer of hope that one day, we will be whole as a family... even if it takes until the next life.
there is a little boy in there... he's just starting to show it... sometimes!
