I am renewed!!! I don't even know where to start...
Cameron was mad when we got to New Hope this morning. He was not happy. He played lots of tricks and games... control games. Like when Kasey asked him to hang up his coat, twice. He wouldn't do it. He took it off eventually... and threw it on the floor. Not acceptable at New Hope. He didn't hang it up all day. They asked him to jump on the mini trampoline. He wouldn't jump. He laid on his back and bounced, with his hands and feet straight up in the air. He refused for a few hours.
He wrote a page of feelings... of hate... for Kasey. "I hate you. You are the meanest, ugliest, selfishest, rudest person ever. I hate all the women here." He wasn't happy. But it didn't come with the evil that used to accompany these feelings. He used to have true "hate" for these people. But it didn't feel that way today. It felt like he just didn't care to do what they asked him to. He was just stuck in a "blah" place more than anything else. They told me I've done good work with him over the past 6 months of being home. YAY! This hasn't all been for nothing. They can see big improvements in Cameron. YAY!
I was thrilled to be at New Hope. Now that I am over the "beginning stages" of learning about RAD and about Cameron, it wasn't overwhelming or emotional for me at all. It was amazing. I loved it. I wanted to stay and help. And I did for the morning. It was awesome. I liked watching the other kids get a feel for me, and try their tricks with me. Ha Ha. I know their tricks. I am a RAD mom! They weren't happy when I called them on their control games.
Then I decided to take the afternoon to just relax. I went to lunch with one of the other "RAD moms." That was MORE than enjoyable. To talk to someone that goes through exactly what I do was awesome. We both understood each other and have experienced many of the same things with our sons. I enjoyed her company more than she knew!
I can't wait for tomorrow! This has been so needed for me and for Cameron! I should have been here a month ago. As tough as this journey is, I find myself more and more grateful for it as time goes by. Like I said in my last post... this journey was tailored specifically for me... exactly the way I needed it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Round 2
I kind of feel like I am starting over... even though I'm not.
Cameron has been in a downward spiral over the past few months. I felt like I couldn't stop him. I was trying. We were doing the same things we have always done. When he is in a good place, he is okay with it. But, he was starting to whine, complain, argue more and more and more. He started throwing fits, tantrums, freak outs. I tried pushing him into a rage a few times... to get it out... hoping that after the rage, he would be the that little boy again... okay with me being his Mom and being in charge of him. But he didn't rage and he didn't come out of it. Days went by and he was getting nasty. He lost all privileges of playing with siblings. I tried taking all of that control away again. It didn't work.
Last Thursday, I went to the temple for my weekly dose of heaven. On my way home, Tyler texted me and said Cameron had run away and was out on the main road outside of our neighborhood. My heart dropped and I immediately got in contact with his teachers from Utah. I think I knew deep down inside that we needed to take a trip to Salt Lake. I was tired. Cameron had been awful to me the past few weeks especially... saying horrible things, rude, angry, etc. I couldn't help him snap out of it. He just didn't care. He was to the point that he refused jumping jacks for several hours, and laid on a blanket instead. He refused to do jumping jacks the way he is supposed to (pretty dang close to perfect jumping jacks). He laid on a blanket off and on for days... doing quiet activities (puzzles, reading a book) until he was ready to do, what we call, A+ jumping jacks. After three days of this, I knew he wasn't going to come out with me around. I knew we needed a third party involved.
We left the following morning to drive to Salt Lake (yesterday). We packed up after the kids were asleep. I am prepared to stay longer than I think I am (since last time, I planned to be gone 3 weeks and was gone for 2 months). The funny thing was, after I had decided that I was FOR SURE going to Utah, Cameron started being kinda good... caring a little bit more... his jumping jacks were pretty good... WHAT? I hadn't said a word to him! Not one! He had no clue anything was going on. Why was he suddenly snapping out of it? Should I just stay home? Ha. I knew better than that. I knew this was Satan's way of convincing me that everything was going to be okay. He was going to get better on his own. I could just stay in the comfort of my own home. I didn't need to haul my four little kids to Utah. I didn't need to be separated from Tyler for several weeks AGAIN. But I knew better and I carried on and packed up my life to bring to Utah.
We have run into obstacles along the way. The drive down actually went great, but this morning... not so much. I think Avery has an ear infection. I think the pressure from her ears from driving through the mountains and everything yesterday was never relieved and that it turned into an infection. (That has happened to me before as an adult). She spent the entire morning screaming. No one could soothe her. She was miserable. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I even tried pumping and giving her a bottle. She screamed in pain. I tugged on her left ear... nothing. I tugged on her right ear... she winced and began to scream again. Dang it. Tyler ran to the store for some pain reliever for her and a homeopathic that I use for ear infections that is AMAZING. I finally got her to go to sleep and she is resting now. I had a very distinct impression that Satan does not want me here. He does not want me near New Hope. He does not want Cameron to get help. He does not want me to be educated on my son's needs. He wants this to destroy my family. Avery screaming all morning was supposed to be to tempt me to get in the car with Tyler, turn around, and drive back home. But I did not. I would not. I have to be here, as hard as it is.
Tyler left about an hour ago to make the drive back home to Washington in a borrowed car. Seriously? We are doing this again? I was emotional, to say the least. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so alone and so overwhelmed, even with all the family I have here. I still feel alone. It's hard for people to understand. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of having three other children to care for and meet needs for, all while providing the kind of environment Cameron needs, out of the comfort of our own home. I am stressed because Avery doesn't feel well.... and she is a very scheduled baby. I have her down for three naps per day, precisely when she gets tired.... before she gets overtired. If I miss her cues, and she gets overtired, she does not settle or rest well. She cries a lot when she is overtired and I haven't gotten her in bed on time. I am stressed because I breastfeed her... and I am the only one that can do that... on her time table... not mine!
I am overwhelmed, but know, without a doubt, that I am supposed to be here right now. I would not have come if I didn't feel a great amount of peace at my decision. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the second I decided I was coming to Utah on Friday afternoon. I knew I had to. I literally felt lighter.
Now I have to humble myself and ask for help. Am I the only one that struggles so much to ask for help, even from my own families? I feel like a failure if I can't do it on my own, without help. I feel like a loser Mom, that can't take care of her own kids. But I know what I need to do.
I plan to be here 2 weeks (is what my gut tells me)... but I am open to being here as long as I need to be... here is to Round 2... to re-charge, re-fuel, and re-learn. And for my little Cameron, to realize that the life he has at home isn't so bad... and that he is loved and will be taken care of. This is a painful journey. But I had a very good friend tell me that healing is painful... for anyone... even adults. This is painful for Cameron. For me. For Tyler. But I know, in the end, the pain will have been MORE than worth it!
This is a marathon journey toward healing... no where near the "sprint" I had hoped for, and wanted it to be. This journey is not just about Cameron and his struggles. It is just as much my own personal journey... a pretty amazing, hand-crafted one from above... specifically for me. And I am so grateful for it!!
Cameron has been in a downward spiral over the past few months. I felt like I couldn't stop him. I was trying. We were doing the same things we have always done. When he is in a good place, he is okay with it. But, he was starting to whine, complain, argue more and more and more. He started throwing fits, tantrums, freak outs. I tried pushing him into a rage a few times... to get it out... hoping that after the rage, he would be the that little boy again... okay with me being his Mom and being in charge of him. But he didn't rage and he didn't come out of it. Days went by and he was getting nasty. He lost all privileges of playing with siblings. I tried taking all of that control away again. It didn't work.
Last Thursday, I went to the temple for my weekly dose of heaven. On my way home, Tyler texted me and said Cameron had run away and was out on the main road outside of our neighborhood. My heart dropped and I immediately got in contact with his teachers from Utah. I think I knew deep down inside that we needed to take a trip to Salt Lake. I was tired. Cameron had been awful to me the past few weeks especially... saying horrible things, rude, angry, etc. I couldn't help him snap out of it. He just didn't care. He was to the point that he refused jumping jacks for several hours, and laid on a blanket instead. He refused to do jumping jacks the way he is supposed to (pretty dang close to perfect jumping jacks). He laid on a blanket off and on for days... doing quiet activities (puzzles, reading a book) until he was ready to do, what we call, A+ jumping jacks. After three days of this, I knew he wasn't going to come out with me around. I knew we needed a third party involved.
We left the following morning to drive to Salt Lake (yesterday). We packed up after the kids were asleep. I am prepared to stay longer than I think I am (since last time, I planned to be gone 3 weeks and was gone for 2 months). The funny thing was, after I had decided that I was FOR SURE going to Utah, Cameron started being kinda good... caring a little bit more... his jumping jacks were pretty good... WHAT? I hadn't said a word to him! Not one! He had no clue anything was going on. Why was he suddenly snapping out of it? Should I just stay home? Ha. I knew better than that. I knew this was Satan's way of convincing me that everything was going to be okay. He was going to get better on his own. I could just stay in the comfort of my own home. I didn't need to haul my four little kids to Utah. I didn't need to be separated from Tyler for several weeks AGAIN. But I knew better and I carried on and packed up my life to bring to Utah.
We have run into obstacles along the way. The drive down actually went great, but this morning... not so much. I think Avery has an ear infection. I think the pressure from her ears from driving through the mountains and everything yesterday was never relieved and that it turned into an infection. (That has happened to me before as an adult). She spent the entire morning screaming. No one could soothe her. She was miserable. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I even tried pumping and giving her a bottle. She screamed in pain. I tugged on her left ear... nothing. I tugged on her right ear... she winced and began to scream again. Dang it. Tyler ran to the store for some pain reliever for her and a homeopathic that I use for ear infections that is AMAZING. I finally got her to go to sleep and she is resting now. I had a very distinct impression that Satan does not want me here. He does not want me near New Hope. He does not want Cameron to get help. He does not want me to be educated on my son's needs. He wants this to destroy my family. Avery screaming all morning was supposed to be to tempt me to get in the car with Tyler, turn around, and drive back home. But I did not. I would not. I have to be here, as hard as it is.
Tyler left about an hour ago to make the drive back home to Washington in a borrowed car. Seriously? We are doing this again? I was emotional, to say the least. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so alone and so overwhelmed, even with all the family I have here. I still feel alone. It's hard for people to understand. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of having three other children to care for and meet needs for, all while providing the kind of environment Cameron needs, out of the comfort of our own home. I am stressed because Avery doesn't feel well.... and she is a very scheduled baby. I have her down for three naps per day, precisely when she gets tired.... before she gets overtired. If I miss her cues, and she gets overtired, she does not settle or rest well. She cries a lot when she is overtired and I haven't gotten her in bed on time. I am stressed because I breastfeed her... and I am the only one that can do that... on her time table... not mine!
I am overwhelmed, but know, without a doubt, that I am supposed to be here right now. I would not have come if I didn't feel a great amount of peace at my decision. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the second I decided I was coming to Utah on Friday afternoon. I knew I had to. I literally felt lighter.
Now I have to humble myself and ask for help. Am I the only one that struggles so much to ask for help, even from my own families? I feel like a failure if I can't do it on my own, without help. I feel like a loser Mom, that can't take care of her own kids. But I know what I need to do.
I plan to be here 2 weeks (is what my gut tells me)... but I am open to being here as long as I need to be... here is to Round 2... to re-charge, re-fuel, and re-learn. And for my little Cameron, to realize that the life he has at home isn't so bad... and that he is loved and will be taken care of. This is a painful journey. But I had a very good friend tell me that healing is painful... for anyone... even adults. This is painful for Cameron. For me. For Tyler. But I know, in the end, the pain will have been MORE than worth it!
This is a marathon journey toward healing... no where near the "sprint" I had hoped for, and wanted it to be. This journey is not just about Cameron and his struggles. It is just as much my own personal journey... a pretty amazing, hand-crafted one from above... specifically for me. And I am so grateful for it!!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
grateful
i have days fairly often where i am just filled with gratitude. i feel peace and comfort pretty much every day. but this overwhelming gratitude is different. it's beyond the peace i feel each day. and i love days where i am filled with this gratitude. today happens to be one of those days.
if you don't want to read a journal entry, stop now. i'm going into a lot of detail about some stuff, and it's going to be long. :)
my two younger kids have been sick. and i mean, really sick. i have never in my life, had a stomach bug this bad or watched another person be so ill. it was really sad. and i have some major anxiety when it comes to throwing up. i think i know where it comes from. an experience as a young teenager...
from the moment my parents announced we would be moving from south florida to bloomfield hills, michigan, i was sick every night and had major trouble falling asleep. i remember how real my stomach hurting was. every. single. night. my stomach felt like i needed to throw up. i don't remember ever actually throwing up. but it happened each night. i would get anxious because it was almost bedtime, and i knew that feeling was coming back. and it did. every night. my mom bought me some mylanta. for a sour stomach. it helped. i took that stuff for years. and i'm not talking sometimes. i'm talking every. single. night. if we went out of town, i brought my mylanta with me. we had it stocked in the house. stocked at our cabin in island park. we had it everywhere. my stomach issues lasted several years i think. but i finally grew out of it once i made friends in michigan and settled there.
this is the only thing i can think of where my anxiety with throwing up would come from. if anyone is sick or has been sick with a stomach bug, i stay as far away as possible. not just for a few days. at least a week after their symptoms are gone. i stay away. i even don't like bringing my kids to nursery in the winter time because of stomach bugs. i get paranoid. it's weird though... when we occasionally have this kind of bug going around at our house, i always think, "why am i so anxious about this? it's not that big of a deal." i have even thought that while leaning over the toilet myself. "this isn't that bad. why do i freak out about it?" i even will drink a coke or sprite to help calm my nerves... (no. no one has taken over this blog. i really just wrote that. if you know me, you KNOW, i do not drink soda. but i do. rarely. if i have a stomach bug of anxiousness about a stomach bug, it helps settle me for some reason). and yes, it helps. i stop eating for a few days... i basically treat myself like i have the bug, even if it's my kids that have it. i know. very weird. very strange. and yes, i'm pretty sure i need therapy. i know it's not normal. and it does interfere with my quality of life. :)
so back to why i am so grateful. (i wanted to document that experience from my childhood though and why i am so weird about puking). my husband is well aware of how much anxiety i have about throwing up. so when our kids started coming in our room every 10 minutes around 9:30 at night, i started to freak out a little. he said, "why don't you go sleep in bed. i'll sit out in the hallway all night and read my book and help them." of course, i didn't sleep. my stomach hurt. it was empty, which i wasn't sure if i was sick too, or if it was because i hadn't had my nightly snack that i always need while breastfeeding. but i was too scared to eat that snack. so i didn't. i tossed and turned and tossed and turned. i got up a few times to help tyler and the kids. and by 2 AM, i grabbed a coke out of the garage and brought a blanket and pillow in the hallway to help too. the kids eventually joined us and we all rested (haha. in between the throwing up and cleaning up) in the hallway all night.
does my husband rock or what? he stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG and was willing to do all of the work so i could rest. he even took the following day off so he could continue to help. yes, they were still throwing up for the entire day the next day. (not as often, but still). i am beyond grateful for him today. one of my love languages is acts of service. that is one of the ways i feel very loved. so for tyler to stay up all night with me and help screamed to me how much he loved me. for tyler to stay up all night is saying A LOT. he struggles waking up in the night. i would say i am up with kids in the middle of the night 99% of the time. so this was huge for him.
i am also feeling immense gratitude for this process i am going through. i am so grateful for all i have learned. for the peace i feel in my life. i love that the feeling in my home is so similar to the feeling of the temple. i don't say that in a prideful way at all. i just felt everything except peace before i started this journey. and now, i feel so much peace in my home and in my heart. i love it. i welcome it. i thrive in it.
sometimes when people find out what my life is like, they feel bad for me. i have days when i feel bad for me too. but in all honesty... i would not change a thing. yes, cameron has been a tough kid for me. he is hard. always has been. we have struggles. but given the chance to do it all over again, i would do it the same. (except maybe i would have gotten help sooner). i wouldn't trade cameron for the way he is. through him, i have been taught so much. through his disorder, i have been taught on a level i never thought possible. i feel like i'm learning at a pace that is way faster than i would otherwise have learned. god gave me this challenge to help me grow and become the woman i am meant to become. boy is it working! and fast! he knew this journey would take me where i needed to go. for that, i am so thankful. some days, it is HARD. some days, i feel bad for me. and i desperately want out! i want to go back to a normal and fun life. but most days, i am just grateful. grateful to be where i am. grateful for this journey. grateful for my cameron. my husband. my friends at new hope that have taught me everything i know. grateful for the spirit that guides me daily, if i am in a place to hear it, listen to it, and follow it.
i'm beyond grateful today.
if you don't want to read a journal entry, stop now. i'm going into a lot of detail about some stuff, and it's going to be long. :)
my two younger kids have been sick. and i mean, really sick. i have never in my life, had a stomach bug this bad or watched another person be so ill. it was really sad. and i have some major anxiety when it comes to throwing up. i think i know where it comes from. an experience as a young teenager...
from the moment my parents announced we would be moving from south florida to bloomfield hills, michigan, i was sick every night and had major trouble falling asleep. i remember how real my stomach hurting was. every. single. night. my stomach felt like i needed to throw up. i don't remember ever actually throwing up. but it happened each night. i would get anxious because it was almost bedtime, and i knew that feeling was coming back. and it did. every night. my mom bought me some mylanta. for a sour stomach. it helped. i took that stuff for years. and i'm not talking sometimes. i'm talking every. single. night. if we went out of town, i brought my mylanta with me. we had it stocked in the house. stocked at our cabin in island park. we had it everywhere. my stomach issues lasted several years i think. but i finally grew out of it once i made friends in michigan and settled there.
this is the only thing i can think of where my anxiety with throwing up would come from. if anyone is sick or has been sick with a stomach bug, i stay as far away as possible. not just for a few days. at least a week after their symptoms are gone. i stay away. i even don't like bringing my kids to nursery in the winter time because of stomach bugs. i get paranoid. it's weird though... when we occasionally have this kind of bug going around at our house, i always think, "why am i so anxious about this? it's not that big of a deal." i have even thought that while leaning over the toilet myself. "this isn't that bad. why do i freak out about it?" i even will drink a coke or sprite to help calm my nerves... (no. no one has taken over this blog. i really just wrote that. if you know me, you KNOW, i do not drink soda. but i do. rarely. if i have a stomach bug of anxiousness about a stomach bug, it helps settle me for some reason). and yes, it helps. i stop eating for a few days... i basically treat myself like i have the bug, even if it's my kids that have it. i know. very weird. very strange. and yes, i'm pretty sure i need therapy. i know it's not normal. and it does interfere with my quality of life. :)
so back to why i am so grateful. (i wanted to document that experience from my childhood though and why i am so weird about puking). my husband is well aware of how much anxiety i have about throwing up. so when our kids started coming in our room every 10 minutes around 9:30 at night, i started to freak out a little. he said, "why don't you go sleep in bed. i'll sit out in the hallway all night and read my book and help them." of course, i didn't sleep. my stomach hurt. it was empty, which i wasn't sure if i was sick too, or if it was because i hadn't had my nightly snack that i always need while breastfeeding. but i was too scared to eat that snack. so i didn't. i tossed and turned and tossed and turned. i got up a few times to help tyler and the kids. and by 2 AM, i grabbed a coke out of the garage and brought a blanket and pillow in the hallway to help too. the kids eventually joined us and we all rested (haha. in between the throwing up and cleaning up) in the hallway all night.
does my husband rock or what? he stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG and was willing to do all of the work so i could rest. he even took the following day off so he could continue to help. yes, they were still throwing up for the entire day the next day. (not as often, but still). i am beyond grateful for him today. one of my love languages is acts of service. that is one of the ways i feel very loved. so for tyler to stay up all night with me and help screamed to me how much he loved me. for tyler to stay up all night is saying A LOT. he struggles waking up in the night. i would say i am up with kids in the middle of the night 99% of the time. so this was huge for him.
i am also feeling immense gratitude for this process i am going through. i am so grateful for all i have learned. for the peace i feel in my life. i love that the feeling in my home is so similar to the feeling of the temple. i don't say that in a prideful way at all. i just felt everything except peace before i started this journey. and now, i feel so much peace in my home and in my heart. i love it. i welcome it. i thrive in it.
sometimes when people find out what my life is like, they feel bad for me. i have days when i feel bad for me too. but in all honesty... i would not change a thing. yes, cameron has been a tough kid for me. he is hard. always has been. we have struggles. but given the chance to do it all over again, i would do it the same. (except maybe i would have gotten help sooner). i wouldn't trade cameron for the way he is. through him, i have been taught so much. through his disorder, i have been taught on a level i never thought possible. i feel like i'm learning at a pace that is way faster than i would otherwise have learned. god gave me this challenge to help me grow and become the woman i am meant to become. boy is it working! and fast! he knew this journey would take me where i needed to go. for that, i am so thankful. some days, it is HARD. some days, i feel bad for me. and i desperately want out! i want to go back to a normal and fun life. but most days, i am just grateful. grateful to be where i am. grateful for this journey. grateful for my cameron. my husband. my friends at new hope that have taught me everything i know. grateful for the spirit that guides me daily, if i am in a place to hear it, listen to it, and follow it.
i'm beyond grateful today.
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