I haven't posted on this blog in over 3 years. Every time I go to write on Facebook about Cameron's journey, improvement, or set backs, I think, "I should write this on a blog" and I don't. This time, I knew I needed to resurrect this thing.

It has been 3 years of trial and joy. 3 years of improvement. 3 years of set backs. 2 years of trying a Public School for my son (who is now 10 by the way). I wish I had written these last 3 years but instead of going backwards, I am going to try and start where we are today.

We decided after 2 years in a Charter School, to place Cameron back in the private school we love so much. New Hope Academy, whose name truly is perfect. New Hope. A New Hope for families of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder or other behavioral disorders/issues. Because I promise you, 4.5 years ago, we just did not have any hope for our son, and I had no hope for the Mother I had become.

9 months ago, my husband was lucky enough to walk away from his job, to be home with our kids. It was something we felt strongly about, and although it was scary, my business was doubling and tripling his income as a Physical Therapist. So we knew it was the right thing to do, so we didn't have to use a nanny anymore for part of the week.

I believe the main reason my husband was supposed to be in the home, was to see just how badly our son needed New Hope, and how much he struggled in public school. He was not getting better. His behaviors at home were getting far worse, because at school, he couldn't stay regulated like he needed to.

Cameron has been at New Hope for about 2 months, full time now. From 9 AM until 4 PM. And after about 4 weeks, we started to see great changes in him. Much more calm, regulated (not hyper-vigilant, overstimulated, overly emotional over little things, not having meltdowns every night, not exploding in anger at his siblings, and no violence (he had started to get violent here and there again in the months past).

Over the weekend, I noticed he was less regulated. He was arguing a little more here and there, pushing boundaries more, and just not quite as calm. These were all signs to me that something wasn't right with him and he wasn't as "clear" as he had  been. I wasn't sure what was going on, but last night, for the first time EVER, I had a heart to heart conversation with Cameron that went somewhere. For the first time EVER, he expressed feelings in a healthy way. He was emotional, but a normal emotional. Not an explosive anger, no meltdown, no freak out, no blaming the world and everyone around him. A genuine conversation, where a lot of healing was able to occur.

Cameron expressed frustration at not being like other kids. He cried as he told me he just wanted to go to regular school. He wanted to prove to everyone and impress everyone, and get "better" so he could go to regular school. He expressed frustration at having bad days, at not being perfect at New Hope. He wanted to go forward, not backward in his behavior and abilities at New Hope. He wanted to move through and graduate so he could be normal. I think he has this internal battle. He knows how good New Hope is for him. He feels the difference, and sees the difference in how he is doing. But he struggles with the fact that public school wasn't good for him right now. He couldn't quite keep up with the social aspect, with the struggle of over stimulation, constant change, constant transitions, which all increase his level of anxiety, which he can only handle so much of, before he starts feeling unsafe, and anxious to the point of "holding it together" until he gets home, and explodes at everyone. New Hope is what he needs. I think he feels that. But struggles with the internal battle of not wanting to be here.

But last night, he was able to verbalize all of this! He verbalized his frustration of not feeling like other kids. Of not being as good as other "normal" kids. That he just wanted to be done here. He cried, and I cried with him. I explained to him that God gave him these struggles and they were part of his life. He cried and said "But why did it have to be me?" My heart broke for him. It took Tyler and I years to really understand Cameron and how his brain works... It took us years of watching, learning, arguing, etc, to understand his heart, and where he was. That Cameron is a good, good boy deep inside. He has a lot of "stuff" on top of his heart that we are working to peel back. And Tyler and I are watching them peel off, layer by layer. We talked about this. And he cried and said he didn't even know himself or who he was. I told him I understood that. We talked about the past... How Mom didn't understand him and that part of the reason he was struggling with things was because of how I treated him. Not knowing how to understand him or his behaviors. I took ownership of some of the things I had said in the past, and made him believe. But I was also able to tell him it wasn't on purpose. And that I loved him just the way God sent him. It just took me a long time to understand him. Many tears were shed. And we hugged multiple times. For the first time, it wasn't a freak out, a meltdown. He verbalized a lot of frustrations and feelings, and I helped explain things to him.

For some, this may seem small. For me, as his Mother, this was the first time we had ever had a normal conversation like this. Mine and Cameron's attachment as Mother and Son is very weak. And we had moments yesterday, where we peeled back layers, and strengthened that attachment. For kids that have his struggles, this bond and attachment can be healed, but it takes moments like these, over a long period of time.

We made huge progress yesterday and I could not be more happy about it. I am so thankful we have New Hope for him. For one, New Hope keeps him regulated and meets him where he is, instead of pushing and pushing to be like everyone else. So he doesn't have to "hold it together at school." We see less anxiety, less freak outs, less meltdowns, and MORE of the real Cameron deep inside. It's so healthy for him, so healthy for us as his parents, and healthy for his siblings who have lived with his behaviors from the beginning.

Small moments add up. It's not miracle work overnight or healing overnight, but we for sure bridged a gap yesterday. We built trust, mended one or two holes in his heart, and THAT overtime, brings healing to my son AND to me, as his Mother.