Many have asked what caused Attachment Disorder in my child. And what it means.
Most children with severe Attachment issues are adopted, have been in and out of foster homes, are literally malnourished, ignored, abused, and physically, emotionally, and mentally hurt... Over and over and over again. They are in one home and onto the next. And they learn to not trust anyone. That whoever has them will eventually give them up. That they are unloved and not worthy of love. Because of that, they feel the desperate need to control everything in their lives... And I mean everything! And it becomes an addiction. A need to survive. They live in "fight or flight" mode. 24/7.
My child is biological. So how does a biological child who was a wanted pregnancy, develop attachment issues?!? How does that make sense?!
While I feel like there were many factors that contributed to my son having attachment issues, it's important to know he is actually very mild on the attachment spectrum, as I like to call it. He was never physically mistreated, abused or hurt physically. BUT I experienced some pretty bad post partum depression that I never received treatment for. I was miserable as a new Mom for many reasons, my son had constant ear infections and my husband and I were young and NOT getting along. There was a lot that we "let out on our son emotionally." Meaning he was in his swing a lot, playing by himself on the floor, or crying a lot. In pain because of ear infections. And I really wasn't emotionally able to be there for him. He was always bathed, fed, diaper changed. But emotionally, I was just checked out and unable to meet his needs for love, attention, and attaching to a primary caregiver. I also believe his feisty personality was a contributing factor, in that he was a high maintenance baby and required constant attention to be happy, which was tiring for an already depressed caregiver.
So how does this affect a child as they grow?! This attachment disorder...
Most children will fight to get their way. My child would fight, to the death, for anything to go his way. It didn't matter if it was the way his socks fit, which shirt he wore. And I would give and take. But it got worse. Where he fought over more and more. Where giving him any freedom to choose at all, made him way worse with his need to have things his way. Things not going his way (over anything) led to violent behaviors toward himself, me and his siblings, as a very young child. With no holding back. We experienced tantrums like you've never seen before that lasted hours. And hours. Violence that you would think he learned from R rated movies (which he was only cartoons like Dora at the time).
My son wants to be normal, and we have moments where we wish he could handle what our other children can too! That's one of the hardest things is not getting frustrated as a parent. They grow older in waist size and height. Their peers all naturally learn how to socialize and its instinctive to grow out of "childish" behaviors. My child does not just grow out of it. He has to have everything modeled to him.
He doesn't understand himself or his behaviors. For years, we didn't either! But I am learning more and more about his struggles and in such a better place of understanding instead of being frustrated with behaviors.
I struggle with the feeling of guilt. Parents who have children that are adopted, are not to blame because they did not "cause" the issues. As my sons biological mother, I struggle with self blame, shame, and being angry that part of this is my fault.
But I have hope. That what happened, happened. And I can't turn back time or do it differently. So my focusing on the blame and shame would be a waste of my time.
The only thing I have control over is the here and now... And what we do as his parents to help him and to heal the relationship that my son and I have never been able to have. We have worked to understand and accept who he is, and what he struggles with. Accepting that he isn't like our other children. That he has much more specific needs. That he is socially, extremely behind. That he needs a special school. That he needs far more downtime, than our other kids.
Now, we have to help HIM accept who he is. Because for years, we acted out of frustration and shamed him for the way he acted. And so he still feels that every day, even though we have come SO far with that! So now, we help him love and understand himself. And accept who he is and where he is in life, even if it's different from the "norm."
