i'm going to try and keep this post directed at kids with just behavior issues... not specifically to kids that suffer from RAD. although behavior is behavior, it's a little different with cameron. so i'm going to make what i've learned as basic as possible. cause RAD is really complicated and confusing. these kids ability to manipulate (almost constantly) is crazy! healthy kids will manipulate, of course, but kids with RAD are serious masters at it. seriously.
so this is to all those mothers out there who feel like their kids control their lives, whose kids are disrespectful, whose kids have behavior that is plain embarrassing. healthy kids will respond to this rather quickly, depending on their age (and personality of course). AND most of all and MOST importantly, parents MUST BE CONSISTENT! MUST MUST MUST! if there is one thing i've learned that's most important, it is to be consistent and follow through with what i say. here is what i've learned.
*decide what behaviors you are okay with and what you are not.
*make your expectations clear to the children.
*do not let their decisions affect you or your mood. their choices are their choices. (this is KEY). their choices can affect their day. not yours.
*there must be a consequence to the inappropriate behaviors.
examples of some behaviors that were sometimes tolerated in my home that are not okay any longer.
*screaming
*jumping on furniture or off of the furniture (couch, beds)
*hitting, kicking, punching, scratching mom or anyone else (it sure made me mad and i didn't "allow" it, but there really wasn't a consistent consequence for it).
*saying "no" when mom makes a request (in a refusal sort of way).
*being too noisy or hyper (we are teaching our kids who lived with an extremely hyper brother, to be calm and quiet most of the day).
for instance... here is an example of something that has happened in my house with my isaac (who does not have attachment issues).
i asked him to sit on a specific blanket and play with blocks. he did for a few minutes and then got off the blanket. the consequence i choose is jumping jacks (you can also do a "strong sit" which i will explain in a minute). i asked isaac to do 5 jumping jacks (this helps redirect his attention and doing something physical helps remind him not to do that behavior). isaac refused to do the jumping jacks or just ignored me. if he would have done the jumping jacks, i would have redirected him to the blanket afterwards and reminded him to stay on it and play with the blocks. since he chose not to do the jumping jacks, he goes in a time out for 3 1/2 minutes. after he completes the time out, he has to go back and do the 5 jumping jacks i asked him to do that he refused, and he is directed back to the blanket for block play. now, getting him to do his time out has also been an issue (without taking 45 minutes to finally sit in a "strong sit.") a "strong sit" is sitting quietly with arms folded and legs crossed. this is what they must do in their time out. the timer does not begin until they are sitting that way. and if they come out of that position (to be defiant), the timer starts again. does that make sense??? it is this way with everything.
if i ask one of my kids to clean up the toys and they either ignore, aren't listening, refuse, etc (anything except say "yes mom" and clean them up), i ask them to do 5, 10, 25 jumping jacks (the little kids usually do 5 or 10 and cameron almost always does 25). if they complete the jumping jacks, they are just re-directed to what they have been asked to do. i would say 80% of the time, this works once they get the hang of it. if they chose to not complete the jumping jacks, they have a "sit time" or "time out" for the number of minutes that they are old. after which, they are invited to do their jumping jacks that they refused to do, and then to go back to their activity or chore. again, if they just refuse the jumping jacks again after time out, they just go right back into time out. so, at the beginning, kids will spend LOTS OF HOURS in time out! especially older kids, really difficult kids. yes, sometimes the entire day is spent in time out.
some kids may refuse to sit with their arms folded and legs crossed. that's fine. but there is a consequence to that too. my kids get restrained (if they try to run away, hit me, kick me, whatever it may be). if they will just sit and not fold and cross legs and arms, that's fine. they choose when they do that. but if they are defiant and trying to get away, i restrain them until they can control their bodies. and they also "owe" me for having to help them. two time outs, or bedroom time for however many minutes it takes them to do their "strong sit." you have to make the consequence worse than doing the behavior. so they need to "owe" you. you can tell them, "i can help you to the corner, closet, blanket, barstool for time out, but you will owe me two time outs if i need to help you." i hope this is making sense. it is seeming so complicated to write it all out.
in public, it's a little different. jumping jacks draws too much attention and is annoying. and people will think you're crazy. so if they aren't behaving how you expect them to, you leave. do some "mock" errands, without any real plans. that way, as soon as one of the kids does something inappropriate, they go back home. now here is another key. some people have said, "well that just teaches them to act out, and they get to go back home if they don't like the store they are at." that's where what we do at home comes in...
you start with very small boundaries for kids. give them very specific directions through most of the day. with my kids, we began with a blanket. and i would give them directions. "isaac. i want you play with these blocks on this blanket." they choose one of two things. listening or not. if they listen, great. if they don't, the consequences begin as explained before. (note: healthy kids don't mind the jumping jacks most of the time. they actually think it's fun- unless in a defiant mood. my kids will ask to do them- isaac and macey). another note, the kids are required to stay on that blanket and do that age appropriate activity until you direct them otherwise. you are practicing you being in charge and not them. if they come off or get too loud or anything like that, you start with the consequences). so basically, once the kids can learn to listen to "go, come, stay, sit" on the small boundary of a blanket, they can start to have other privileges and larger boundaries. so you start extremely small and can gradually give larger boundaries as they learn to be obedient and respectful. in between activities, we do physical exercise. they do jumping jacks, run in place, run in my backyard along the fence line for however many minutes i ask, or however many times i ask. again, healthy kids, 90% of the time think this is fun. isaac and macey get so excited when i tell them it's time to run! they love it. now back to the store. so if they misbehave and you take them back home, they go back to the small boundary since they could not handle listening, being obedient, and respectful, in the larger boundary. simple as that. they learn to LOVE going on errands (which cameron especially hated before). they learn that even helping mom around the house with cleaning or making dinner is a privilege.
hmmm. i think that pretty much covers the basics of what i do and what i've learned. it sounds very extreme (and trust me, it's not compared to what i have to do with cameron and his controlling, manipulative ways). it's just taking away their freedom to do whatever they want (if they have had that issue), and you taking charge. and when they aren't obedient, you give a consequence. the key is to not get angry, frustrated, or mad when they choose wrong. that's why we keep our days extremely simple. i have given up my life, my friends during the week, so that i can watch my kids specifically with all of their assignments to make sure they are on task and doing what i asked. that way, i can follow through immediately. i do have to make sure to take time for myself (and while they are in time outs, or doing their activities, i read my book or scriptures or blogs or whatever on the weekends). but for me, i parented one way for 6 years. it's going to take my kids a while to get the hang of what is okay and what is not. and having a child that suffers from RAD makes this process longer for everyone. not just him. he has affected isaac and macey more than i ever understood before doing all of this.
two things i have made happen in my home that i will be forever grateful for are:
*quiet time- i choose to have my kids go in their rooms for 2 hours each afternoon for a quiet time. i allow them to read books and do puzzles (as long as they are quiet and do it appropriately).
*not coming out of their rooms until 7:30 AM- i used to have days that would start at 5:30 AM. we bought an alarm clock that i can set for them, that lights up instead of sounding an alarm when it goes off. so at my house, it's set at 7:30 AM. they know that when the green light comes on, they are allowed to come out and start our day. BEST THING EVER. and if you don't have $40 to spend on one, just start by telling them what the expectation is. it's just a really fun few mornings filled with time outs when they come out before they should. :) my kids are allowed to come out to use the bathroom. they are expected to go right back to their room and read or do puzzles until that light comes on. :)
i have gone from being one really relaxed mom (on the outside- letting them do pretty much whatever as long as no one was dying. but on the inside, i was constantly stressed, lived with a ton of anxiety, and frustration) to a pretty strict mom. now, i have yelled, spanked, freaked out LESS in the past 2 months than ever before. because i don't let their decisions ruin my day. if they choose to sit in time out all day, or not work on their school work (cameron's struggle- not wanting to try anything that is hard for him and having meltdowns because of it), that's their day. my day can still be reading books, checking blogs, writing emails, etc. this is huge, especially for kids that love to ruin your day or get you mad. if you don't react, and just respond, it doesn't give them that "power" that they seek. if isaac refuses to stay in time out and comes out over and over again and i have to restrain him, i have a book or my cell phone close by so i can do "my thing" and he isn't controlling my time or my day. (for some kids, interaction is interaction. they don't care if it's positive or negative. this is something he observed in cameron for years). we have a lot of structure in our day. we used to have none. literally. there was no schedule, nothing. we pretty much had free play all day, every day. my kids were overstimulated (and i believe 90% of children and adults are these days. overstimulated) and SO WAS I!!!! so right now, we spend our days doing quiet activities separately, and together. and when i do activities with my kids, i am in charge of them and i give directions. if they can obey and respect the boundaries i give them, they have the privilege of spending some time with me. but even during that time, i am the one in charge.
note: this is not the way we are going to live forever. once my kids can learn respect and obedience in these small boundaries and listening to mom, we will have larger boundaries and be able to do "more normal" things. but only to the extent that my kids can handle it. if it's too much (and i know when it is... they don't listen, they get defiant, etc), we will just go back to simple. it will just take us a while because of cameron's RAD (6-12 months to heal they said), and for isaac and macey to heal from learning these behaviors and the stress of living with a child with RAD. mom was never in charge of the kids until 2 months ago. cameron has to learn to trust me. and in some ways, so do isaac and macey. that they are safe with me. it wouldn't feel safe for a 1 year old, 3 year old, and 5 year old to feel in "charge." and boy did they.
so glad i KNOW from the spirit that this is what i need to be doing. the first two weeks were the hardest. and we still have about half good days and half bad days... cameron goes through cycles. someone is usually defiant. and trust me, in moments like that, i doubt myself, doubt my therapist, doubt kasey and lauralee from new hope. doubt comes in and tries to get me to question. but i know deep down that this is what my family needs right now. and that with time, and god's help (because i can only do my best. i have to trust in him to make up the difference for the wounds we all have), we can heal. and i can only do what i can and what i feel is best. the rest has to be left up to him. i pray cameron can heal in this life. and that him and i can have a normal and healthy and loving relationship. we have seen much improvement in our home in the past 2 months. i can only imagine what it will be like 10 months from now.
i have done my best to explain this stuff. if anyone has questions or wants clarification, or to tell me i'm crazy and mean, feel free to comment or email me at tiffanydansie@gmail.com. i've dealt with a lot of criticism and i'm sure it's only just begun... used to get criticized for my out of control kids and not parenting correctly. well, now i'm getting it for being too harsh, strict, and not "letting my kids be kids." well i hope they will get to be kids one day. it's not like i want to be doing this stuff. some days, it breaks my heart. but i have to take my own emotion out of it for their sake. and they need to learn to respect their mom and be obedient. then we can move on to doing more "normal" things. but even then, they will be privileges based on behavior and attitudes. not "rights."
