square one

i feel like my life has been sort of a whirlwind, and blogging has taken a back seat since we went to camp and moved to utah.


one of the main reasons is i am busy. :) aren't we all? well, i have a pretty naughty 2 3 year old and when she is naughty, i carry her around in a moby wrap. and she is naughty a lot. it doesn't make typing on a computer easy at all. you all know about my son that has reactive attachment disorder. that takes a lot of time too. i have a baby too. she's almost 11 months. :) oh, and i have a 4 1/2 year old that i try to meet his needs too. and i do have a husband, but he is gone. a lot. works more than full time and a second job 2 nights per week too. (it used to be 4 nights per week, so i am thrilled with 2). the 2 nights he used to work, i leave and teach an exercise class to cameron's teachers. all of this is why i haven't been blogging lately. but i want to make sure to keep up with it more. so i'll do better. promise.


back in the summer, cameron was doing awesome. when we first moved here, he was in new hope 2. he was doing so well, respectful, obedient, fun to be around. we saw less and less naughty behaviors, less desperation in his need to control (it was more of just a habit at this point), etc. we were able to take him to the park to play, to church (he even went to primary once or twice, with dad by his side of course), to family events, etc. it was so fun to feel like we were somewhat normal again!


well, after a few weeks, i started to notice he was being really ungrateful. we took him to the park and got pizza for dinner one night and he complained when we got home that we didn't stay for that long. that was a red flag to me. but i carried on and ignored it. after he started being more and more ungrateful about other things, i started to feel like we needed to start to pull back a little bit, in fear of him spiraling. so we pulled back in the reins a little, didn't do as many outings, just tried to simplify. then he started making small jabs at me with his words. one day i was saying how my kids had the best mom ever (to them). cameron responded with "you think you are like the best person mom. but there are tons of people better than you." another red flag. to some, that may be funny. but to a mom who's child really doesn't love her or feel her love, it hurt. i shook it off the best i could and just ignored it. but he was making more and more comments like that and more often. i said one day that they had the cutest mom ever. cameron rolled his eyes and said, "whatever." seems like a harmless comment and every kid wouldn't think their mom is the cutest. but it was another red flag.


he started to go downhill at new hope. all of the kids in new hope 2 did. not focused, not able to function and follow specific directions. starting to use his control in everything all over again. to the point where he couldn't follow one simple direction without throwing his spin of control into it. not good. meltdowns started. peeing. a lot. every day at new hope, at home, every night. one day, at home, he even just stood in the middle of the floor and peed. never asked for the bathroom or told me he needed to go. just peed.


the good news? even though all of his old behaviors are coming out that he had when we first started this process, there is a different feeling behind them. i know that sounds weird. but when he would be violent with me before, there was no holding back. he was so so angry. there was so much anger, fear, evil behind his raging and violence. but this time has been different. he tries to hurt me, but i can tell he is holding himself back. like he doesn't really intend to harm me, but is going through the motions of doing it. when he bit me the other day, it wasn't a super hard bite and i could tell. when he was fighting me and trying to hurt me with weapons of sorts, he wasn't really trying, with no holding back. there was part of him that didn't truly want to hurt me. yay!!! that is so good!!!


something interesting one of his teacher's told me this weekend which i completely agree with... kids with rad will sometimes cycle back all the way to where they first started to test mom. is mom still going to be able to love me and be able to deal with my awful behaviors, even if i do awful things that i used to do? or is she going to go back to hating me, screaming, yelling, spanking, freaking out at me? or can she handle it all, be calm, give me consequences, and just let it roll off her back? can i trust her? 


so i think that's where we are at. he is testing the waters to see if i really have changed, and can love him through it all, or if i'm going to go back to my overwhelmed, confused, have no idea what to do or how to handle this child, kind of mom. hopefully i've been winning his trust the past few weeks. :)


i can't help but be so grateful for this process. cameron has challenges. challenges that if we don't help now, could affect the rest of his life. if he can't trust his mom and uses constant control on her, why wouldn't he do the same with the law? with his wife? his children? we are trying to help give him a life. yes, we do tough things now. like not letting him go to a family party tonight because of how awful he has been. but it's a consequence we chose to give to help motivate him. so we left him with a friend (another rad mom) that we know will follow through with our rules for cameron, (basically not being more nice than mom so he doesn't have more fuel against me as to why i'm the worst mom ever, and anyone else would be better than me :)) while we all went and enjoyed a family party. he doesn't get to play with friends, or see cousins, or anything right now. it's sad and hard. i would love to do those things. but we have to help the core relationship between my son and i first, before he can form other relationships. that way, they can be healthy and non-manipulative and controlled by him.


feeling so grateful for new hope and the women that run it. what amazing gifts they have... and a true love for the families they help each day. even though i've had many moments, wondering why we moved to utah, i am so grateful i have new hope so close. i feel so blessed.