a fantastic week... for me

it's been one of those weeks... in a good way!

the funniest part is, it was a really rough week for cameron. he's been very back and forth. and then had two really bad days in a row. the difference was, i let myself still have great days. i didn't get emotionally caught up with his choices and behaviors. i wasn't irritated, frustrated, annoyed, in the LEAST! the fact that he was raging, yelling, screaming, kicking, whining, crying, throwing tantrums, doing terribly pathetic jumping jacks, not saying "yes mom" or "no mom," which is an expectation of respect in our house (for him especially). i just let it all roll off my back, gave him consequences, and zero privileges, and made sure to "fill up" with affection and playing with my other kids. i just let cameron make his choices, held my expectations super high of him, and let him choose. and after two days, he was HAPPY! the happiest i've seen him in months!

really... i would go to him when he was doing jumping jacks to tell me he had a "need," and almost every time, he had a little smile on his face. my jaw dropped i think. he has NEVER had a smile on his face (a sincere child-like one), while doing jumping jacks. he knew he was doing excellent jumping jacks like i expected him to. i had to hold myself back from jumping for joy, kissing him all over, being so excited for him. i knew that would send him right back down the tunnel of hell that he came from. so i said things like, "i notice you have decided to do good jumping jacks today cameron." and "is that a smile on your face?" i said to him, "you have been smiling a lot today." he looked at me, smiled, and said, "i know. i don't know why!"

it lasted... for most of the day.... i played a game of memory with him which he handled great. then we spent a few minutes just talking with avery and looking at her with all the kids. i could see him starting to get that look back in his eyes. and i was sad for him. we attempted a memory game with me and all the kids. it ended early. he started to go down his spiral... it's the end of the day though. we will see where he is tomorrow. maybe angry again. who knows. but i saw him! the real cameron today! and i was thrilled. but if he decides to be the angry, guarded cameron tomorrow... let it be. i'm still going to have a great weekend!

i had so many moments this week of awe. awe of how much i love my life now. how grateful i am for four beautiful children. and one especially that is "my refiner" as kasey calls these radishes. he truly is in my life to teach me... through some interesting ways. but i have been so grateful this week for this trial i have with cameron. grateful for all i am learning. grateful for the love i have developed for him. grateful for the things i have learned and the way i run my house now...

you know, it's interesting. i always wanted to raise my kids like this. i always wanted to turn the tv off. i never wanted my kids to watch much tv or movies. never wanted them to play video games. i wanted to play games together. to have children that were respectful and listened the first time they were asked. to love my children and be filled with that pure love of christ when i look at them. to have a home full of peace and love. to feel the spirit daily. to have 95% of my days be good and uplifting (100% would be nice, but comon)! until these last 6 months, my house and life was pretty much the opposite of all of this. i was even letting the way my children ate go down the drain. i'm a health fanatic, and at one point, last winter, we were going to the mcdonalds playground once per week. now some people might do that, and that's fine. but if you know me, you KNOW that is NOT ME! but i was beyond losing it. i was gone. i was as out of control as cameron. i had no authority, no peace, not much love, and just chaos. and then i got pregnant. and i was not happy. (and that is an understatement). that sounds awful, but i was. how in the world was i going to do all of this WITH ANOTHER ONE!!! i am beyond grateful to my heavenly father for the tender mercy he sent me of learning the things i have learned BEFORE i had avery. i had a really good handle on things before she arrived. for that, i am thankful every day.

i now live the life that i always wanted. peace, love, calm, uplifting. bottom line... i cannot be happier with the way my life is right now.