whew

where has the time gone? in so many ways, times flies by for me. but in so many ways, it crawls!

so how has my RADish been? up and down. up and down. up and down. the key is for me to not go up and down with him.

the holidays sucked. they got way worse when we put up our christmas tree. we had sacrificed EVERYTHING over the holidays. no halloween. (not that i minded. i hate the holiday. i'm not even sure why they call it a holiday). thanksgiving couldn't really be anxiety and stress free. i had a baby. (a really cute one too). we had tyler's mom here for a week and my mom here. we didn't do anything different. we did the same stuff with cameron. we kept it as simple as possible with a new baby in the house and people visiting. kept our outings few and far between and short-lived. 2 weeks before christmas, we got a small tree. i decorated it very simply by myself. not long after we put it up, cameron really started digressing. he started being really mouthy, disrespectful, rude, just mean. and really mad. mad over the fact that he wasn't in charge. he started pushing boundaries even more. i knew it was because we put the tree up. he could feel my stress about his choices lately too. i just wanted the holidays to be over so we could get him back on track! we kept presents simple too. one puzzle, one book for each child. a dollhouse to share. they opened a pair of jammies christmas eve. that's it. no big, loud, obnoxious toys. nothing too overstimulating. but i was wrong... it was too overstimulating.

we took the tree down christmas night. i was so ready to get things back to normal so cameron could settle down and pull out of his fight for survival and control. the funny thing is, he did! he was so much different the next day.

but we took a step back a few days ago. yesterday was the worst day he has had in a while. i noticed that recently, he hasn't been saying, "yes mom" like he is supposed to, has been more talkative (his talking that is for control over situations, to be the center of everything). it just wasn't feeling good to me. so i decided to go back to square one yesterday. pull all of his control away. and he freaked. i was shocked he didn't rage. but he was mad. really mad. i didn't let him have any choices. i made him do jumping jacks every time he didn't say, "yes mom." or "no mom," instead of "yeah." or "ok." i brought my standards back up super high (i should have never let them drop. somehow with a new baby, christmas, i wasn't as calm inside, and i didn't even really notice that i wasn't expecting as much out of him). i think this is what caused his spiral downfall that i was starting to notice. he wasn't settled during the holidays. but once that tree went up, he started downward (was good for a week or so afterwards), and then started falling even more. so once i tightened those boundaries on him big time, he was mad at me. oh well!

i've been talking with the girls at new hope a lot recently. with some of the things i was noticing about cameron. his food stuff... saving food if he really liked it for the next day (as if he's afraid it's never coming back), asking for more food, etc. (sounds normal, but again, he does this all in need for "control"). we also have some good consequences for his bathroom issues. after his clogging the toilet wasn't working for control anymore, he started waiting until the last minute to go to the bathroom (pee). he has always done this to an extent. but i noticed he was waiting until the last minute. BIG TIME. to the point that by the time he'd do his jumping jacks to ask to use the bathroom, and got into the bathroom, he was peeing everywhere. all over my shower curtain, twice. well, when he does that, he gets to do wash. so he was washing my entire shower curtain and his clothes. it took him a long time. like we're talking a few hours. to wring out a shower curtain until it's not dripping? and SEVERAL times. not just once. so after that happened a few times, and he wasn't quitting the behavior of waiting so long to pee, i asked lauralee what to do. she said to have him take toilet time every hour. where he has to go sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every hour. she said to tell him, "i can tell you have a need to practice going to the bathroom. i can give that to you." so i set the timer (we set timers like CRAZY in this house), and he sits there for 10 minutes. after the second time, i found what i KNEW he would do... opened the door to check on him... his pants were down and he was standing in front of the mirror. i said, "oh, i can see you need more practice with sitting." and i gave him a 30 minute session in the bathroom instead of the normal 10. all because he wanted to do it "his way" and not the way i asked him to do it. i have to make the consequence worse than his need and want to "control" (even in small things like trying to trick me by standing in front of the mirror while in "toilet time" instead of sitting on the toilet like i asked him to). it's working though. he doesn't get the chance to wait until the last minute to pee because he gets a chance to go every hour! lauralee is a genius!

he lied to me too... about needing toilet paper. said he pooped (remember i take the toilet paper out and he only gets a certain amount). yeah, he told me he had pooped. he didn't. but he did have poop that needed to be cleaned up on him. i made him "pay" for the toilet paper. he owed me jumping jacks. and he owed me more jumping jacks for lying.

i have to be SO SPECIFIC with cameron. i can't leave ANY gray area or he sees it as "open to manipulate." it's so annoying. but we're trying to help him heal from this.

some days, i feel like this is going to be my life forever. watching my son's every move. bringing him with me everywhere. i feel like he's never going to heal. i miss having someone to "watch" cameron so i can GO OUT! so i can go do something fun with my healthy kids. or go on a date with tyler and not worry about what cameron is doing at home. that's when i really wish we lived in utah so i could take him to respite or new hope so i could do something fun. go to a friend's house with our family. this is such a long process.

but i also think of how much i have grown in the past 6 months. i am growing and learning at lightning speed. i think the lord knew this was the only way to get me to rely on him, to feed my spirit regularly, to learn and grow. it's such a perfect test for me. it really is. i have grown leaps and bounds. and so has cameron! even though we take steps backwards all the time, i think back to those first days at new hope and where he was a year ago. i remember dragging him to church week after week. tyler getting so frustrated with just getting him dressed for church, he'd leave him in the apartment and come down to the car fuming mad. i'd have to go back up and drag cameron outside... we'd finally get him in the car, and the entire way to church, i would be crying because he would be taking off all of his clothes we just spent 25 minutes getting on him. he'd mess up his hair we did. i was honestly at a loss for what to do. i didn't know what was wrong with him. i wish i had listened to my gut a year before when i said to tyler several times, "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM!!!!" so i have to think back to moments like those when i feel like this journey will never end. we have come so far. cameron is healing. it's just taking a long time.

i wish our therapist in utah would never have put a time table on it. i wish he would have said, "he could be healed in as little as 6 months, or as long as 5 years." or like tyler reminded me, he could choose to struggle with this his entire life. but i know i'm doing the best i can. i really am. the temple brings me an immeasurable amount of peace each week. i could not do this without it!

like i have said before, it may take until the next life. i can't force cameron to make good choices. i can't allow my happiness to be based on his choices. period. now or ever. i have to choose for me. and he has to choose for him. i'm just providing the best path possible for him to heal.

we are going to a camp this summer. a camp that is directed by nancy thomas. she is an attachment specialist and has been for YEARS. kasey at new hope learned from her. it is for our entire family. even though the cost is extremely expensive for us (and we're not sure how that's even going to work out), i feel really good about going. with no support here in the tri cities, we need something to continue to educate us and help our family. it's in june for a week. i am so excited. and it's here in washington (about 3 hrs from our home), which makes it nice.

i am so glad to be already started in this journey and not at the beginning. that's one huge blessing i feel right now! now onto more months of hope and healing for my RADish, me, and my family!