Round 2

I kind of feel like I am starting over... even though I'm not.

Cameron has been in a downward spiral over the past few months. I felt like I couldn't stop him. I was trying. We were doing the same things we have always done. When he is in a good place, he is okay with it. But, he was starting to whine, complain, argue more and more and more. He started throwing fits, tantrums, freak outs. I tried pushing him into a rage a few times... to get it out... hoping that after the rage, he would be the that little boy again... okay with me being his Mom and being in charge of him. But he didn't rage and he didn't come out of it. Days went by and he was getting nasty. He lost all privileges of playing with siblings. I tried taking all of that control away again. It didn't work.

Last Thursday, I went to the temple for my weekly dose of heaven. On my way home, Tyler texted me and said Cameron had run away and was out on the main road outside of our neighborhood. My heart dropped and I immediately got in contact with his teachers from Utah. I think I knew deep down inside that we needed to take a trip to Salt Lake. I was tired. Cameron had been awful to me the past few weeks especially... saying horrible things, rude, angry, etc. I couldn't help him snap out of it. He just didn't care. He was to the point that he refused jumping jacks for several hours, and laid on a blanket instead. He refused to do jumping jacks the way he is supposed to (pretty dang close to perfect jumping jacks). He laid on a blanket off and on for days... doing quiet activities (puzzles, reading a book) until he was ready to do, what we call, A+ jumping jacks. After three days of this, I knew he wasn't going to come out with me around. I knew we needed a third party involved.

We left the following morning to drive to Salt Lake (yesterday). We packed up after the kids were asleep. I am prepared to stay longer than I think I am (since last time, I planned to be gone 3 weeks and was gone for 2 months). The funny thing was, after I had decided that I was FOR SURE going to Utah, Cameron started being kinda good... caring a little bit more... his jumping jacks were pretty good... WHAT? I hadn't said a word to him! Not one! He had no clue anything was going on. Why was he suddenly snapping out of it? Should I just stay home? Ha. I knew better than that. I knew this was Satan's way of convincing me that everything was going to be okay. He was going to get better on his own. I could just stay in the comfort of my own home. I didn't need to haul my four little kids to Utah. I didn't need to be separated from Tyler for several weeks AGAIN. But I knew better and I carried on and packed up my life to bring to Utah.

We have run into obstacles along the way. The drive down actually went great, but this morning... not so much. I think Avery has an ear infection. I think the pressure from her ears from driving through the mountains and everything yesterday was never relieved and that it turned into an infection. (That has happened to me before as an adult). She spent the entire morning screaming. No one could soothe her. She was miserable. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I even tried pumping and giving her a bottle. She screamed in pain. I tugged on her left ear... nothing. I tugged on her right ear... she winced and began to scream again. Dang it. Tyler ran to the store for some pain reliever for her and a homeopathic that I use for ear infections that is AMAZING. I finally got her to go to sleep and she is resting now. I had a very distinct impression that Satan does not want me here. He does not want me near New Hope. He does not want Cameron to get help. He does not want me to be educated on my son's needs. He wants this to destroy my family. Avery screaming all morning was supposed to be to tempt me to get in the car with Tyler, turn around, and drive back home. But I did not. I would not. I have to be here, as hard as it is.

Tyler left about an hour ago to make the drive back home to Washington in a borrowed car. Seriously? We are doing this again? I was emotional, to say the least. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so alone and so overwhelmed, even with all the family I have here. I still feel alone. It's hard for people to understand. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of having three other children to care for and meet needs for, all while providing the kind of environment Cameron needs, out of the comfort of our own home. I am stressed because Avery doesn't feel well.... and she is a very scheduled baby. I have her down for three naps per day, precisely when she gets tired.... before she gets overtired. If I miss her cues, and she gets overtired, she does not settle or rest well. She cries a lot when she is overtired and I haven't gotten her in bed on time. I am stressed because I breastfeed her... and I am the only one that can do that... on her time table... not mine!

I am overwhelmed, but know, without a doubt, that I am supposed to be here right now. I would not have come if I didn't feel a great amount of peace at my decision. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders the second I decided I was coming to Utah on Friday afternoon. I knew I had to. I literally felt lighter.

Now I have to humble myself and ask for help. Am I the only one that struggles so much to ask for help, even from my own families? I feel like a failure if I can't do it on my own, without help. I feel like a loser Mom, that can't take care of her own kids. But I know what I need to do.

I plan to be here 2 weeks (is what my gut tells me)... but I am open to being here as long as I need to be... here is to Round 2... to re-charge, re-fuel, and re-learn. And for my little Cameron, to realize that the life he has at home isn't so bad... and that he is loved and will be taken care of. This is a painful journey. But I had a very good friend tell me that healing is painful... for anyone... even adults. This is painful for Cameron. For me. For Tyler. But I know, in the end, the pain will have been MORE than worth it!

This is a marathon journey toward healing... no where near the "sprint" I had hoped for, and wanted it to be. This journey is not just about Cameron and his struggles. It is just as much my own personal journey... a pretty amazing, hand-crafted one from above... specifically for me. And I am so grateful for it!!