grateful

i have days fairly often where i am just filled with gratitude. i feel peace and comfort pretty much every day. but this overwhelming gratitude is different. it's beyond the peace i feel each day. and i love days where i am filled with this gratitude. today happens to be one of those days.

if you don't want to read a journal entry, stop now. i'm going into a lot of detail about some stuff, and it's going to be long. :)

my two younger kids have been sick. and i mean, really sick. i have never in my life, had a stomach bug this bad or watched another person be so ill. it was really sad. and i have some major anxiety when it comes to throwing up. i think i know where it comes from. an experience as a young teenager...

from the moment my parents announced we would be moving from south florida to bloomfield hills, michigan, i was sick every night and had major trouble falling asleep. i remember how real my stomach hurting was. every. single. night. my stomach felt like i needed to throw up. i don't remember ever actually throwing up. but it happened each night. i would get anxious because it was almost bedtime, and i knew that feeling was coming back. and it did. every night. my mom bought me some mylanta. for a sour stomach. it helped. i took that stuff for years. and i'm not talking sometimes. i'm talking every. single. night. if we went out of town, i brought my mylanta with me. we had it stocked in the house. stocked at our cabin in island park. we had it everywhere. my stomach issues lasted several years i think. but i finally grew out of it once i made friends in michigan and settled there.

this is the only thing i can think of where my anxiety with throwing up would come from. if anyone is sick or has been sick with a stomach bug, i stay as far away as possible. not just for a few days. at least a week after their symptoms are gone. i stay away. i even don't like bringing my kids to nursery in the winter time because of stomach bugs. i get paranoid. it's weird though... when we occasionally have this kind of bug going around at our house, i always think, "why am i so anxious about this? it's not that big of a deal." i have even thought that while leaning over the toilet myself. "this isn't that bad. why do i freak out about it?" i even will drink a coke or sprite to help calm my nerves... (no. no one has taken over this blog. i really just wrote that. if you know me, you KNOW, i do not drink soda. but i do. rarely. if i have a stomach bug of anxiousness about a stomach bug, it helps settle me for some reason). and yes, it helps. i stop eating for a few days... i basically treat myself like i have the bug, even if it's my kids that have it. i know. very weird. very strange. and yes, i'm pretty sure i need therapy. i know it's not normal. and it does interfere with my quality of life. :)

so back to why i am so grateful. (i wanted to document that experience from my childhood though and why i am so weird about puking). my husband is well aware of how much anxiety i have about throwing up. so when our kids started coming in our room every 10 minutes around 9:30 at night, i started to freak out a little. he said, "why don't you go sleep in bed. i'll sit out in the hallway all night and read my book and help them." of course, i didn't sleep. my stomach hurt. it was empty, which i wasn't sure if i was sick too, or if it was because i hadn't had my nightly snack that i always need while breastfeeding. but i was too scared to eat that snack. so i didn't. i tossed and turned and tossed and turned. i got up a few times to help tyler and the kids. and by 2 AM, i grabbed a coke out of the garage and brought a blanket and pillow in the hallway to help too. the kids eventually joined us and we all rested (haha. in between the throwing up and cleaning up) in the hallway all night.

does my husband rock or what? he stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG and was willing to do all of the work so i could rest. he even took the following day off so he could continue to help. yes, they were still throwing up for the entire day the next day. (not as often, but still). i am beyond grateful for him today. one of my love languages is acts of service. that is one of the ways i feel very loved. so for tyler to stay up all night with me and help screamed to me how much he loved me. for tyler to stay up all night is saying A LOT. he struggles waking up in the night. i would say i am up with kids in the middle of the night 99% of the time. so this was huge for him.

i am also feeling immense gratitude for this process i am going through. i am so grateful for all i have learned. for the peace i feel in my life. i love that the feeling in my home is so similar to the feeling of the temple. i don't say that in a prideful way at all. i just felt everything except peace before i started this journey. and now, i feel so much peace in my home and in my heart. i love it. i welcome it. i thrive in it.

sometimes when people find out what my life is like, they feel bad for me. i have days when i feel bad for me too. but in all honesty... i would not change a thing. yes, cameron has been a tough kid for me. he is hard. always has been. we have struggles. but given the chance to do it all over again, i would do it the same. (except maybe i would have gotten help sooner). i wouldn't trade cameron for the way he is. through him, i have been taught so much. through his disorder, i have been taught on a level i never thought possible. i feel like i'm learning at a pace that is way faster than i would otherwise have learned. god gave me this challenge to help me grow and become the woman i am meant to become. boy is it working! and fast! he knew this journey would take me where i needed to go. for that, i am so thankful. some days, it is HARD. some days, i feel bad for me. and i desperately want out! i want to go back to a normal and fun life. but most days, i am just grateful. grateful to be where i am. grateful for this journey. grateful for my cameron. my husband. my friends at new hope that have taught me everything i know. grateful for the spirit that guides me daily, if i am in a place to hear it, listen to it, and follow it.

i'm beyond grateful today.