My journey with RAD part II

WARNING. THIS IS LONG!!! and mostly my rambling thoughts...

I feel like a completely different person than I was two months ago. I walked into “New Hope Acadmeny” not knowing what to expect. Maybe half a day of advice on how to help Cameron. I came out that day depressed, crying, overwhelmed, emotional, etc. I was bawling. I felt like it was so extreme. So mean. I felt so bad for those kids in there. It wasn’t until I pulled my own emotions out of all of it to realize that these kids behaviors and attitudes were extreme. Kids that poop all over the place the smear it on walls, pee in air vents, spit, kick, yell, abuse any adult that tries to be in charge of them (mostly their moms). If these kids are so extreme, they needed to have extreme boundaries and rules. And until they could learn to be obedient and respectful in those tiny boundaries, they did not get any other privileges.

After Cameron started to give up his addiction for control and did what I asked him to do, stopped arguing so much, and started to be respectful, I didn’t think I would have to do anything with my other kids. But then it all started. Isaac and Macey refusing to do what I asked them to do. Things as simple as “Sit on this blanket and play with these blocks” would get a big “NO!” And if I reinforced what I wanted them to do and wouldn’t let them get away with doing what they wanted, I was getting hit, kicked, punched in the stomach, etc. I knew they had lived with and watched Cameron for way too long. They were going to try all the same tactics they same him use for years. And it was literally abuse. From a 1 and 3 year old. I remember having days when I would be crying, telling Tyler, “I am so sick of getting beat up by my own kids.” I don’t beat them. I hardly ever spank the kids! And here I was, getting hit, spit on, kicked, shoved, punched, if they didn’t get what they wanted (sometimes). If I chose to fight a battle they wanted to win, they would fight it. Fight me. Literally. Now, Cameron was way worse and more extreme than the other two when he used to do these things to me. Fortunately, he hasn’t done those things in a few weeks. That’s where “New Hope Academy” really sped things up for him. But the other two, I am still dealing with abuse. But it only takes them a few days after a change (coming back home, or going to Grandma’s) to quit the behavior. It doesn’t get them what they want, so they stop. Oh and Macey’s favorite is screaming. Screaming about everything and anything she wants. I’m all done with that too and it’s no longer acceptable in my home.

More than anything, I have learned that I am all done with the abuse I have endured from my children. Never before had I thought of the scripture that “their children shall rule over them” more than I have in the past month! My children literally ruled over me in the past. They told me what they were going to be doing, spending their time with, what kind of behaviors were going to be acceptable, how many stores I was going to shop at (because I didn’t want to deal with the behavior if they didn’t want to be at the store). I have realized how many mothers live like this too. For some reason, I had never realized how awful kids are these days. No respect for adults. None. Zero. (Well, most children that is). They are demanding, rude, feel entitled to have everything they want. And the saddest part is, no matter their behavior or how they are treated, most kids get what they want to an extent. Now I am talking mostly from experience. Regardless of how my kids behaved or treated me, I still felt this obligation to take them places. They got bored so easily. They wanted to be entertained. Sitting at home was not okay. They were hyper, active, demanded my attention constantly between the three of them. It was exhausting. I had nothing left to give at the end of the day. I didn’t want to be around them. I just wanted a menal break. A break from chaos. I just wanted peace and quiet. Little did I realize how much anxiety and stress I lived with from day to day. I rarely felt the Spirit. Rarely! I was always stressed in my heart and “heavy hearted” is what I call it. I was not happy. My husband came home to a cranky, overwhelmed, frustrated wife EVERY DAY for ALMOST 6 YEARS! I’m not sure how he dealt with it. But by the end of every day, I just wanted out. And putting my kids in bed wasn’t all dreamy with stories and me giving huge hugs and kisses. It was more like saying, “go to bed and don’t come out of your room” and shutting the door. I never realized how good life could really be until I decided my children were no longer in control of me. I have never lived with so much peace in my life until the past month. And I mean NEVER. I have felt more peace in my heart and love than I have over the past 6 years of being a mother, COMBINED! No joke! I have been more understanding, more compassionate, more loving, more kind. But I have not been a pushover anymore. I have rules and expectations and when they aren’t met, there are consequences. There are consequences to pretty much everything. If they make good choices, the consequence is good. If they don’t make a good choice, the consequence is not good. It’s as simple as that. And I am more than CONSISTENT for the first time ever. I am finally the Mom in my house. And my children are finally learning to be respectful of me. I never realized that kids literally do not feel safe without rules and boundaries. When they have control, they feel very unsafe and unhappy.

Now my kids have been testing me big time since we got home. Our first day home was filled with time outs and jumping jacks (more on that later). But they are only testing my consistency to see if our “old life” is back. I can assure you it is not! Cameron will not be playing with friends or having a friend over until he can earn that privilege. I am no longer putting up with abuse from my kids. Well, they can choose to act that way. But they are in time out for it most definitely. And they are learning like I am.

I have had several Mom’s ask me already, “Okay. What do they teach you at this school? HELP!” I will probably be doing a Part III post on this. But don’t tell me I didn’t warn you that this is tough. It is not an easy way to parent. But, it is so worth it! For my sanity, my relationship with my kids and my husband. It is hard and emotional and frustrating, very confronting. Especially if you have parented like I have for years and years, change is not going to come over night. And they will test you. And if you have really strong willed kids like mine, they will beat you up. Only because they are not getting their way. But I think of kids in our society and how much we lack respect, honor for adults, manners, etc. And I also think of the kind of adults they are growing up to be. Lazy, feel entitled to have everything their parents have and MORE, without earning it themselves. And I think of the adults that were raised with similar values that I am instilling in my children now. Respect, honor, hard work, accountability, etc. They are way harder workers as adults, respectful, honorable, honest, etc. (The last generation that really grew up like this was my parents). We have lost so much in our society and ultimately, I believe it will contribute GREATLY to the fall of our country. Really, it will be a main reason or THE reason our country will fail. So, if more people are interested in hearing what I do with my kids and what I have been taught and learned, I will gladly do a post on it. If not, I will just email the few friends that have asked. Either way, I am a much happier person and really, once my kids give up the control they seek, they are happier too. Cameron is a testimony of that. And my parents, husband, and “New Hope Academy” are all witnesses of that.