Long Overdue

I have been trying to write this post for 3 days now... I have been so busy at New Hope every day, that I haven't had a chance. So much has been going on and I am long overdue for a post about my RAD journey. We finished our second week at New Hope 2 with me being in charge of the four kids that attend New Hope 2 this past Friday. It was a good but tough experience for me. I enjoyed working downstairs for the day and being on my own. The hardest part has been having Avery attached to my hip (and let's be honest, my chest). She is so used to being at home, in bed, for 3 naps per day, and at pretty much the same time each day. So she isn't too happy to be sleeping in her car seat, with things going on around her. She is a light sleeper (because it's always quiet when she's sleeping). I spent yesterday in charge of New Hope 2 kids again. It was definitely easier than my first time. Cameron continues to do well in New Hope 2 and I have learned a lot about how to help him progress into the next stage of his healing.

My other two kids have spent most of their time with my in laws. The first weekend we were here, Isaac went to St. George with cousins and Macey came to my parents to be with me. It was not fun. She was pretty sassy and awful to me... refusing to do what I asked, yelling at me, hitting me, screaming fits. Not fun. The next weekend, both Isaac and Macey came back to spend a few days with me at my parents. It was nothing short of a nightmare and brought me back to how I lived the first 5 1/2 years of motherhood. They were screaming, yelling, hitting, refusing to do what I asked them to do, disrespectful, disobedient. It was awful. I was irritated beyond belief. They wouldn't stay in bed, wouldn't be quiet, etc. I was so NOT patient and calm like I usually am. Part of the problem was the small space we were sharing... Cameron, Isaac, Macey, and I, all sharing one room. Not too fun for bed time. It has also been tough staying with my parents (who have moved to a smaller home) and my grandparents, who live in the upstairs of the home. So I get super stressed about my kids behavior and bothering other people. So needless to say, I have been stressed, and my kids definitely feed off of that. I was a stress case this past weekend. Thank goodness my parents and grandparents are pretty supportive and don't get too annoyed by the behaviors we are trying to get rid of.

Cameron's teacher knew how stressed I was and how naughty my two younger kids were... she called me on Sunday and suggested Isaac come in to New Hope this week. (Yes. She is an angel, calling me on a Sunday afternoon while she was on vacation and happened to see my Facebook status that I was exhausted). She even offered (well, demanded :) ) for me to go to her home with my kids to have some space for a few hours, before she came home. (Yep. She is heaven-sent).

It is interesting... I planned to be here about 2 weeks. (But my gut told me I'd be here for more like 3 weeks from the very beginning). I wanted to go home the weekend before last. But for some reason, I just didn't feel right about it. I didn't know why. But I just felt like it wasn't the right time. Well, now I know why. Isaac came in for the first time on Monday. He screamed, yelled, hit, kicked, and even tried to bite one of the teacher's twice. (They expect kids to follow instructions here pretty exactly... he didn't want to. Something as simple as, coloring a picture, but facing away from the other kids so he didn't distract them from their work, sitting quietly facing the wall for 4 minutes when he wasn't listening, etc).  He was just not willing to do. For 2 days, he wanted to boss and be in charge and tell the adults what to do. It's great practice for school in another year and a half. He was horrendous two days in a row, and we were all surprised by how long he put up a fight. He learned a lot from living with Cameron for 3 1/2 years before we got help. He had a lot of anger inside that he needed to release. After the two days of awful behavior, he mellowed and has been so much happier since.

No. Isaac does not have RAD. Thanks goodness! The difference between him and Cameron??? When we came to New Hope last summer, Cameron had much more rage and hatred behind his need to control. His went way deeper, was more conniving, had a sort of "evil" feeling and great fear behind his need to control. Isaac's is more of just a "I have to do this because I have watched it for so long, so this is what I am supposed to do when I am mad and want attention" feeling behind it. But he has had some serious anger here with me.

On Isaac's second day here, as I was trying to get him to calm down, I lost it. After 40 minutes of waiting for him to hold still and be quiet with his mouth for 10 seconds, I just started to cry. LauraLee had me reading scriptures out loud to help calm him. He was winding down and completely exhausted from the fight he was putting up for so long. I couldn't believe how hard he was fighting. It made me really sad and brought back a lot of feelings from last summer when Cameron first started here. Not fun. Isaac eventually fell asleep from exhaustion, listening to LauraLee read from the Book of Mormon. He certainly had a lot of anger that has built up. It's a good thing we worked on getting a lot of it out now, rather than later.

We have also discovered that Isaac has an intolerance to dairy and gluten. I have always known he doesn't do well with milk. He has always had digestive issues... since birth. His intolerance to gluten could be a contributing factor to his behavior and moodiness. If he doesn't feel well most of the time, it could be playing a part in some of the behavior he has. So we started him on a gluten-free diet a few days ago. :)

I am going home on Saturday. I feel total peace with it, although I am sad. I am so anxious to get home to Tyler and be in our own house again.... I do much better when it's my own space and not interfering with other people and their space. But I am also sad to be without New Hope again. It is so refreshing to be with people that know how to deal with the behaviors my kids have and know how to help them.  Not only do I learn from them, but I get a break from having to do it all on my own. It's an amazing thing. Thank you Kasey and LauraLee for letting me come back!

When I first came last summer, I thought, "Okay, sweet. We have all we need and now I'm all done with learning." I had no idea how much more there is to learn and what a journey this truly is. I kind of felt like a failure at first, needing to come back here for more help. But I wanted to... and when Kasey suggested it, I had the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. The moment I decided to come, I literally felt lighter. I knew it was the the right choice. Not just the right choice, but the best choice! I had the same weight lifted when I decided to stay an extra week, even though I wanted to go home. I felt the very same weight lifted when Kasey called me on Sunday, when my kids were being so awful and suggested that I bring Isaac in. Part of me was sad... I was about to bring him back to my in laws and was looking forward to a break from him and how terrible he had been treating me. But I knew deep down inside that I needed to bring him. This was the reason I was supposed to stay in Utah an extra week. Isaac needed to go to New Hope. As soon as I decided it, I felt a huge weight lifted again. Amazing how that works.

I am so blessed to have been able to spend another few weeks here at New Hope. I am so grateful to have found this support system here, with wonderful people at the head of it. There really isn't anything better than the overwhelming feeling of being truly blessed and unbelievably thankful to my Father in Heaven. It's the peace I had been looking for, for so long... but couldn't find on my own. So blessed!