because i want to print this blog one day...

i'm full of blog posts lately... wanted to write down more thoughts, feelings, etc of course, about my rad baby.

i've been reflecting a lot about my first moments at new hope. really. i had NO CLUE what i was in for. (which is a good thing, otherwise i would not have shown up to my appointment). i remember them sending me to talk with my sister who is an emotional release facilitator. they kept cameron upstairs with the other children doing quiet tasks while i went downstairs with kasey and lauralee. when kasey asked me to give them an idea of what life was like for me, i think the first thing i did was burst into tears. i told them how i lived a life of hating my job. i didn't enjoy being a mom. i felt like i was being pulled in forty five different directions all the time. i never got a break. my kids were demanding, whiny, rude, disrespectful, high maintenance. i remember telling them that i was often emotionally wiped out by 8:00 in the morning. before tyler even left for work. i remember telling them how difficult cameron was for me. that i tried to be patient with him. but i was a wreck. i was yelling all the time, spanking, swearing, freaking out daily. DAILY PEOPLE! i was at the end of my rope emotionally. as one rad mom put it, "i was as out of control as my child." i was not that mom i wanted to be. i did not have good feelings toward cameron. and i felt so much guilt for it. i really felt like i was doing the best i could. but i was drowning... and NO one was throwing me a life preserver. no one was there. no one understood. no one "got it." i had many times (way more often than not) that i wanted to throw in the towel and walk out. take my own life. be done. it's sad, but it's true. i would think i needed a break, so i'd go out to target on a saturday and have tyler babysit... only to come home just as "down" and "beat into the ground." not much seemed to lift me. i struggled with depression, but i didn't know it. i had no connection with god. i never felt him. i struggled to feel much but despair, grief, frustration, and anger.

i had to leave out the back door to leave new hope. i couldn't stand the pain of leaving cameron behind in a place where i knew from the first 5 minutes, they weren't emotionally involved with these kids, and they weren't going to let them get away with anything. they were strict. very strict. and had no interest in playing the games that i didn't know cameron played. they were going to take all of his control away. all of it. and i couldn't bare to have him see me walk out a basket case. so i walked out the back door, ran to my car, and drove to heather's house.

heather is an emotional release facilitator... helping people release emotions that are holding them back in a way or inhibiting their life. heather was the reason i even knew of kasey and new hope. she has worked with several of the children that have been at new hope, working with kasey before. i really have her to thank for contacting kasey for me when cameron started making very dangerous and scary threats to me and himself, and started acting on some of them... starting just after he turned five years old last fall.

at the beginning of this process, i felt like i was giving up so much of my life. so much of my time, my friends, my family, my everything to do this with cameron. i stayed in utah for 2 months, when i was only supposed to be gone for 3 weeks. i didn't want to. in fact, that first day at new hope, i was trying to come up with every excuse in the book to NOT go back the next day. to not bring cameron back there where he was exposed and hurting. but something deep down inside of me told me i HAD to take him back. i HAD to keep going, as painful as it was. that first week sucked. the first weekend was WORSE. as i put the strict guidelines down with cameron, he was hurting me. kicking, hitting, spitting, punching my 19 week belly. i cried. A LOT. i spent more time crying that first month than i have in my entire life, i'm pretty sure. it was so hard! before long, i realized i had to do the same things with my other kids who weren't being obedient or respectful either. i had to do it all over again with them. and isaac had the same reactions that cameron did... hitting, kicking, screaming, punching my stomach. i couldn't believe it. had he watched cameron's behavior for so long and been so affected by it? that is one thing that has shocked me is how much this has all affected isaac. living with cameron has obviously been very hard on isaac. cameron pretty much hated isaac from the day he was born. and they never bonded, nor were they really friends at all. ever. he clung to macey once she was born, and they have stuck together ever since. i remember kasey telling me that i was going to be helping isaac to not have add. i remember thinking, "isaac? have add? really?" and boy have i seen it since we've been home. if he has free time, he just starts to jump, run, be crazy, jabber about nothing, be super hyper. he has to have directives like cameron... until it becomes more natural for him to not have to go crazy if he doesn't have something to do.

so back to feeling like i gave up my life for all of this... i used to feel like that (and i sometimes still do). but i have come to find through this process that i have not given up anything except disrespectful, disobedient children; a crazy mom who was so unhappy, a life with zero structure, exhaustion, frustration, yelling, screaming, kicking, hitting, fighting. i have been given an opportunity to have a new life that i could not be more grateful for. i would never go back in a million years to the way we lived before... the way I LIVED BEFORE! i used to make fun of people that listened to church or uplifting music all day. yeah. i've become that person (that always seems to happen to me... the people i judge, i become that same way). i used to judge people who were too strict on their kids... i'm now one of them. so really. i haven't given up anything for this life. i have been given a new life that i love... even if i have days where i want out... where my kids are making poor choices and refuse to do what i ask and end up doing 100 jumping jacks during the day and 6 time outs. THEY ARE HAPPIER!

it's funny... as they all started to be more obedient and compliant, i was so happy to give more opportunities for privileges. like play time with mom, going out, saying yes to their requests instead of no, etc. (i basically said no to EVERYTHING. until they stopped throwing fits when i'd say no). well, i gave too many, too fast. cameron started arguing more with me, trying to "boss" me around (in the nice way that he always does- this is because he doesn't trust), isaac started arguing and throwing mini fits, macey was crying more. so we went back to the basics last week of having small boundaries at home and concentrating completely on compliance and respect. what's funny is after two days of doing it (and lots of time outs for isaac and macey), THEY ARE ALL HAPPIER! my kids NEED these boundaries. they BEG for these boundaries. and we have to be extreme because we are doing this all backwards, remember?

back to when i was talking about going to target when i needed a break. i did this a lot. i'd need a break, so i'd go shop. or i'd go sit on the computer. i'd watch a movie. hmmm. only to find out that IT DIDN'T RELIEVE ME OF MY STRESS AND FRUSTRATIONS. i wasn't uplifted AT ALL! something i've learned... nourish your SPIRIT! i think so many of us neglect that. i always wanted a break and thought if i just took some time to watch my favorite tv show or grab a dress at target, i would feel better. i never did. never. never. never. however, this time around, i go to the temple once a week. i don't do it because i want to look so faithful. i do it because it is the ONLY thing that truly lifts me. and there are some weeks that i go and i don't feel lifted. in fact, i'd say about half the time, i come back not feeling as good as i'd like to feel. but there are other weeks where i come out feeling encouraged to keep going. every time, i do feel the confirmation that what i am doing is BEST for my family. not just a good thing. but the BEST thing! last week, i did my weekly session, and the last 25 minutes, i could not stop crying. one of the workers even had to offer me tissues because i could not stop the tears from flowing. i was full of gratitude for what i've learned and have been doing, and burning with the spirit with the will to continue on the path we are on. this is something that has been amazing to me. learning that i need to feed my spirit when i'm struggling and when i'm not struggling. not my wardrobe, target outings, or tv time. the temple used to be so boring to me (and there are many days i still don't feel like going and i'd rather take that trip to target or the mall). but i am learning that life isn't about "fun." and i'm learning that as "fun" as those things can be, they do not bring me happiness whatsoever. i am learning that i don't get blessings from doing those things. i receive blessings when i put what's most important first. this life is not about games, entertainment, and fun. those things are not bad, and i think are important to partake in. but i have had to learn that other things come above it and bring the nourishment i need to survive. for that lesson, i am forever thankful.