lots of steps backwards

i think i'm going to start a separate blog to journal about my baby that struggles with reactive attachment disorder. then i can keep our family blog separate from it... even though this journey involves everyone. and it's a huge part of our family right now. well, it's the center of our family. rad. that's sad that rad is the center of my family. it sucks. oh well. it's a huge learning and growing experience for me. and i mean HUGE!

with all the changes we have going on here, cameron is wigged out. and i mean wigged out. i know this because of old behaviors coming back. very child-like behaviors. behaviors we were able to get rid of while we were in utah. well, they are back. and some that he hasn't done for a few years are back. ugh! it's so tiring and hard to not feel bad for him. to just let him make choices (even though he doesn't even understand or realize why he does some of them). some of these behaviors include:

*pushing limits and boundaries that a month ago, he wouldn't have pushed. like...

-bending the rules constantly. every rule possible is bent. every expectation is pushed. and i mean EVERY rule and expectation. asking him to hang on to the cart while we are out and he moves all over every area of the cart... especially changing his position to go stand on the other side by grandma. a month ago, he would have held onto the cart in the same spot and not moved.

-coming out of his room at night and trying to watch tv from the corner. a month ago, he never would have done that. just pushing his boundaries and limits.

*being obedient in his own way- putting his spin of control on almost everything. some on purpose. a lot of the time, his brain automatically does it. he's back in "control mode" to an extent. me asking him to put away his toys and him saying, "yes mom" but then finishing the last puzzle piece or two before putting it away.

*pee and poop- not only is he getting poop in his underwear almost daily (it's slowing down now that he's spending hours doing his wash), but he has peed the bed, in the middle of the night a few times. HUGE sign that he is out of whack.

*arguing way more. not letting me be the mom, trusting me, and saying, "yes mom" and doing what i ask. he's trying to do things on "his terms" and not mine. he was doing so awesome at this before the past month.

*tucking his private part between his legs. yes, that is a lot of information. but it's the reality of what's going on. he had an obsession with doing this a few years ago. he's doing it again. i don't know what it means. but i know the behavior is back.

these may seem like normal behaviors. and yes, children without rad do these things. but cameron's is all about control. and he does have an attachment disorder. he is literally still 2 years old inside. i know he doesn't feel calm inside since these behaviors are coming back. i know he's all wigged out with the holidays, the baby coming, grandma here, another grandma coming this week.

i have been able to pull myself emotionally out of it for the most part. let his choices be his choices. you have to! otherwise you feel bad, you cave, you give in slightly. you cannot give in to these kids at all! if i give cameron an inch, he will take it, and take another, and take another, and push for another. the only way to get rid of these behaviors is to take all of his control and choices away. completely away!!! and that is hard. i WANT to give him choices. i WANT to give him freedoms. i WANT him to be a boy. to play. to run. to laugh. but cameron isn't ready for any of it. unfortunately, all of his choices are unhealthy and about control for him. he doesn't make healthy choices. he started to... and i started giving him more choices and privileges. well i did it too fast, and all of this change threw him off at the same time. and that sucks. this is taking so long for him to heal. but i know i am partially to blame. trying to figure it all out. i have felt bad at times and not given as severe of a consequences as i should. and then he starts pushing. and pushing. and pushing for more. and then i get tired. and we start over, tightening the reins even more. whew! it's exhausting

i get more frustrated by his choices. that i have to stay home constantly, can't give my other kids fun privileges when they are being good, don't have anyone else to help with cameron that i can trust 100% to follow through with all of the consequences. someone that knows all of his tricks. how he talks and talks and uses his mouth for attention and control. i get selfish and want a break. and i do try to take those breaks so i can keep giving. but sometimes, especially when new behaviors resurface, it's hard to not get really irritated by what he's doing. like peeing the bed. ugh! cause when he pees the bed, he has to wash the bedding. with his feet. with stomping on it. over and over again. i hate it. i don't want to make him wash them. i know it will take hours for him to go through the process. but what do i do? give in and not make him? and then he'll push and it will become a battle? nope. can't do it.

he's been telling me what a mean mom i am. yeah. it hurts. and there are many times when i feel like a jerk. a complete jerk for a mom. but i KNOW i have to do this. i can't go back. that would be an absolute disaster. he wouldn't feel safe. he would go crazy. so all i can do is my best. tighten in the reins, be consistent, calm, not reactive. don't react to his choices. just give the consequence. our days around here are super boring lately. even ask tyler's mom. super boring!

tyler gave me a blessing the other night. i had a meltdown. with all the stress of the baby and company coming, i lost it. the blessing reminded me that cameron has agency. and that these struggles he has could be something he takes with him for the rest of this life. i cried. a lot. seriously? i'm going through all of this. he's going through all of this? and we still have the possibility of him not healing????? my heart broke in that moment. i was devastated. devastated! here we are doing all of this stuff with him... and in the end, there are two factors i can't control. god's will. and my son's right to choose. i cried even more. i remember telling tyler, "i don't feel any better. i don't feel peace." it hurt to remember that god is in control. as much as i want to be in control (we are all a little bit rad), and i want to be perfect for my son, i can't. i can't do it all. i can't be perfect. i can only do the best i can. and leave the rest up to god's will and my son's ability to choose for himself. whew. that was a hard night to be reminded of that.

life is hard. and i pray that one day, cameron will love me. i pray that one day, he will be able to truly feel love from others. because right now, he doesn't. he uses affection to manipulate almost 100% of the time. i hope that one day, he will be able to feel the love i have for him. some days i feel like it will never come. but other days i feel a great hope for him. i wouldn't be doing all of this if i didn't care or love him desperately. i do. but it's super hard to do and to watch.

we can only do the best we can through all of this change. i can only give what i can... stay as close as i can to the spirit, stay "clear" in my heart and mind so i can be open to those promptings. not get frustrated. just pull myself out of it. let him choose. give the consequences. as a mom, that's hard. i love this little boy. i want him to be that little boy that he was giving me small glimpses of before all this backwards stuff started. i want him to love life and be happy. it's just a long road to get there. a really long and tough road.