backwards

it's hard watching your kids go backwards... i'm talking about cameron of course. it's hard to watch him suffer the consequences of his choices and me having to crack down on him big time.

you see, when i was at new hope, i didn't understand a whole lot. but i learned to trust them. and boy am i learning to trust their expertise even MORE now! i thought everything was so extreme. i didn't want to be that extreme. but i have come to learn that i HAVE to be extreme with cameron if he is ever going to heal.

for example:

cameron is still not potty trained. sounds ridiculous at age 6, right? well, he is to an extent. cameron has never dealt with change very well. when we moved to utah a few years ago from arizona, he started peeing his pants. he had been fine for MONTHS. and the change wigged him out. first it was just a little bit of pee and he'd run to the bathroom at the last second. (he has ALWAYS waited until the VERY LAST SECOND to even try to make it to the bathroom). then he started full on peeing everything his bladder was holding. then he moved to poop. he'd get a tiny bit in his pants. well, after just a few days, he was going in the corner and pooping EVERYTHING out in his underwear. as a mom, i was infuriated. i felt like i was still potty training a 2 year old (which in all reality, i was). i would lecture, freak out, stay calm, be patient. nothing worked. eventually, having him clean out his own underwear worked... until the next big change. when cameron started going to new hope and all of his control taken away, the potty stuff started happening again. well, the poop stuff. at new hope, this is a run down of what they have the kids do if they have bathroom issues (which from what i understand, most of them do when all of their control is taken away. they move to food and bodily functions because no one can take that control away from them). so if they mess their pants at all, at new hope they have to...

*fill a bucket with water

*place soiled clothing inside

*stomp/run inside the bucket to get the poop/pee out for several minutes- if they are mad, throwing a fit, being obnoxious doing it, they make them stomp longer

*when you tell them it's time, they dump out the water, wring out the clothing until it's not dripping (cameron had to do this at new hope once with a blanket he peed on... took him a long time to get the blanket to not drip).

*dump the water out of the bucket

*repeat the above steps using, vinegar in the water, detergent in the water, and just water by itself again. so they go through that whole process 4 times.

wait. it gets better...

they then have to repeat this whole process with the clothes they are wearing. at new hope, they keep a change of clothes for each kid. so if they soil their one pair, they have them change into their spare clothes, wash the dirty ones, and then the kids have to put the wet/clean clothes back on and wash the "newly soiled" spare clothes they changed into. those clothes are now "soiled" from their bodies which had the pee/poop on them. so they have to follow those above steps (4 different times... with water, vinegar, detergent, and water again) with the "spare clothes." sounds super drastic right?

well there is a reason the women at new hope are so smart with these kids. they have been dealing with them for YEARS. they know that the consequence has to be extreme enough for these kids to want to stop the behavior. and it is extreme.

when i was in utah, i only had cameron doing the 4 step process with the original soiled clothes. however, since he has recently started getting poop in his underwear again, i am going to have to start having him do what they do at new hope. and it's not like he gets a ton of poop in there, most of the time. but if i allow a skid mark, he'll push it to a large skid mark. and a larger skid mark. i have to be SO SPECIFIC with this kid. it gets so annoying! i don't want to be that specific and hard nosed! but I HAVE TO BE! if not, i am going to be dealing with these behaviors, a slight variation of them, or him PUSHING AND PUSHING AND PUSHING to get away with other behaviors if i allow any poop in his underwear AT ALL! TRUST ME!!! i have tried to not be so strict and give him the benefit of the doubt. but more and more, i'm finding he has to have extremely clear lines. if not, he pushes to the limit of me going insane. (that's why i was on the verge of insanity before we started all of this).

so why is he going backwards? why are old behaviors resurfacing? like arguing more often rather than just saying, "yes mom." and trusting me. like doing really sloppy jumping jacks. like hiding two toys under his pillow at night when we don't bring toys to bed. like putting his slippers 6 inches out from the wall when he knows i asked him to put the slippers in the very corner of the room, touching the wall.

it's all about control for him. he has to put his little spin on EVERYTHING! from what the ladies at new hope have told me, this time of year is really hard on kids that deal with reactive attachment disorder. lauralee told me that no matter how hard i try to keep things low key at home, the kids can feel that nothing is low key in society. and they feel it. they have a had time staying focused, not becoming too hyper and out of whack. cameron forgets things. little things. that we have been doing for months. and i know it's because he isn't calm inside. he may look calm on the outside. but i know from small behaviors that he isn't. tapping his feet constantly. rocking in his chair at the desk. forgetting little things that we do every day. not focused on school work. he's overstimulated inside. and he hates when i have him take some "quiet time" on the blanket in the bathroom where there is very little stimulation. to get him to "calm down" inside and just relax. he feels like it's punishment. and it's not. it's just to help him re-focus and relax. and it works after about 20 minutes of him laying on a blanket in the bathroom.

it's hard to watch him go backwards. it's FRUSTRATING! but i can't let it get to me. because cameron LOVES for me to be frustrated. sad. but true. in fact, he LOVES for me to be anything but happy. he THRIVES when i'm frustrated or sad or feel beat up. i wish he wanted me to be happy. but deep inside, he loves it. want to know how i know? first off, we have no connection... or a very small one. he's very deceitful.

the other day, i was upset. i had scheduled my time to spend in the temple and tyler got busy at work and got home 20 minutes late. i was mad. and i was crying. i had to cancel my appointment. tyler and i were talking about it. we weren't raising our voices (we don't do much of that at all anymore... which is a miracle in and of itself. i used to yell and rant constantly. but really, i rarely do now. with my kids or with tyler). but we were kind of arguing and i was crying. cameron was doing puzzles around the corner from us. he peered around the corner to look at me with this look of complete satisfaction on his face. he was smiling. i was devastated. so hurt. that my 6 year old son wanted me to be sad and frustrated. he wanted tyler and i to be arguing. my heart broke for a moment. and i sternly told him to get back to his work. it hurts when your child doesn't have any love for you. and really... he doesn't. i hope it comes someday. and i believe it will. i get glimpses of it sometimes (which i have written about previously). sometimes, he shows a little hint of love. and i can't help but get emotional and cry. but when he shows me that he loves me being miserable, it really hurts my feelings.

so anyway. i'm babbling about nothing now, but i'm trying to just be "okay" with his choices. not getting mad. not doing things for him. he has to learn by his own experiences. i can't do things for him. i have to sit back, give the consequence, and watch him choose and hopefully learn. it's hard. sometimes i feel like we are never going to be normal. sometimes i feel like this journey is going to take a lifetime. and it might. but i can never give up hope that someday, cameron will feel the love i have grown to have for him over these last few months. and i pray that he doesn't hate me for making him suffer. it's hard. but the feeling and thoughts i get in my heart when contemplating this whole process... when i'm feeling badly for my kids that we have to do this. when i just want cameron to be a kid. when i don't want to ask him what problem i have with his room is in the mornings (when he made his bed really sloppy and crappy on purpose or left one thing out that he knows he should do, just for the purpose of control), the thought that continually comes to me is that "tiffany. you are teaching your children to be obedient with exactness. you are doing what you need to be doing." that is the ONLY thing that keeps me going some days. when i get a thought to have cameron do it over, or say no to isaac and macey for something they ask for. to test them. to see if they will throw a fit or say, "yes mom" and let it go. this is hard stuff. but i am grateful for it. and grateful that i know deep in my heart, i am doing what's best for my family.

so even if we have to go backwards for a few months... with all the holidays here, a new baby coming in the next few weeks, grandma's coming to visit to help... it's bound to throw my kids out of whack a little bit. all i can do is keep things as simple as possible and stay consistent!!!!! i am excited for this baby to come... but the other part of me is terrified to throw change into the mix. but that's part of life. and we have to learn to deal with it. especially cameron.

so here's to being consistent and loving... but firm. what a learning process this is! and a true process. this is no "quick fix" as some people criticized when i first started. this is the longest route possible!!!!